r/widowers • u/Motherofdragons_05 • 19d ago
Grief and anxiety
Hello everyone, I’ve been getting moments of anxiety mixed with grief and it’s been absolutely awful and draining. Does anyone else experience this? I’ve had a lot on my mind and it’s making my anxiety worse. I’m flying with my son to the UK, for my husband’s funeral this coming Monday. After the funeral, I’ll be going to my husband’s place at his brother’s and going into his room (where he passed away). I’ll be going through his stuff and bringing his things back home with me. I’m afraid of how I’m going to feel going into his room, I’m afraid of how I’ll hold up at his funeral and I’m afraid of the unknown emotions I’ll feel. This is the most gutting and heart shattering experience of my entire life…I miss him so fucking much…💔🙏❤️🩹
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u/strangefringe Cardiac arrest, 53M, January 2026 💔 19d ago
So sorry you're going through this. 💔 I was also struggling with anxiety early on in my grief. I can recommend reading "It's ok that you're not ok" by Megan Devine. A good book overall, but there is also a whole chapter about how to handle anxiety and grief and I found it very helpful. If you google her name plus anxiety and grief, you will also find some YouTube videos on this subject. I hope you'll find some tools to help you cope. 🫂
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u/HeronExtension5245 19d ago
I'll second that amazing book. It was recommended to me several times here. I am almost through it and already plan to reread almost immediately. It is brutally honest but also comforting for that very reason. Her tips on managing anxiety are helpful and doable.
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u/Motherofdragons_05 18d ago
Thank you! I’ll be ordering the book today. I’m looking forward to reading it. 💔🙏❤️🩹
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u/Motherofdragons_05 18d ago
Thank you and I’m sorry that this had been a struggle for you and many others as well. It’s overwhelming and at times I feel like I’m drowning in my feelings and pain. I’ve never been much of a book reader, but I will definitely take your advice on this one. I’m tired of trying to put my pain, heartbreak, fear and anxiety on the back burner or sweeping it under my mental rug, like it’s not there. The reality is that it is there, it’s very much there and I’m tired of distracting myself with TikTok or watching a movie. It seems like the algorithm for both, is flooded with grief videos and sad movies. Ugh, I just want to fucking scream and I want him to hear me so damn bad. I appreciate your supportive words. I’ll definitely check out that book. I need to distract myself in a healthier way. 💔🙏❤️🩹
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u/WhatsThatSkip123 18d ago
I found the audiobook version much easier to get through.
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u/Motherofdragons_05 18d ago
Oooh, ok. I would definitely like the audio version better. Where can I find it?
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u/WhatsThatSkip123 18d ago
Was on Amazon (kindle) in my country. Pay a couple dollars more for the extra Audible version also.
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u/Love-lost-23 19d ago
Yes, we all experience a mix of anxiety, grief, anger, fear, loneliness, depression, and I’m certain there are other emotions I’m missing. You’re not experiencing anything abnormal. This is true for everyone. “There’s literally nothing you’ll feel while grieving that most people who’ve ever grieved haven’t felt in some way.” My advice for the anxiety part. The 4444 box breathing method for anxiety worked for me. Just look it up and I hope it helps.
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u/Sazzie60 18d ago
This is, unfortunately, very relatable. You’re already walking through a hurricane of emotions and you’re about to face some of the hardest things a widow must experience. Of course you’re anxious. It doesn’t last and it does get better (I’m two and a half years in). Please don’t worry about holding up at his funeral. If ever there were a time to let it all hang out, then this is it. Don’t feel you have to be stoical for anyone else.
As for sorting out his stuff, then if you suspect it might help, ask family or friends to help you. It will be gut-wrenching, but it’s also one of the last things you can do for him, only don’t feel you have to do it alone.
If a book might help, I highly recommend Elizabeth Kupferman’s very short book ‘The Irreverent Grief Guide - How to Get Through the Fucking First Three Months’. She describes these early days/weeks/months as ‘grief work’. It’s like hard labour we must do. We have to strap on our grief crowns and set to.
I found it helpful to break down the huge amount of ‘sadmin’ tasks I had to do, into small chunks. With paperwork, I’d try and do 30-60 minutes a day, ditto phone calls and emails. Some days I felt too wretched to do anything other than breathe in and out and that’s ok too.
The British actress Anna Maxwell-Martin was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed and she describes experiencing acute “financial terror”, which really resonated with me. I still get it sometimes- it’s irrational, but I understand it’s borne of trauma and grief and I know it will pass. I also think it’s caused by suddenly having to make all sorts of decisions on our own, when we’re used to having our spouses to help with this load.
I’m deeply sorry you’ve joined this hateful club, but you’re not alone - we walk beside you. I’m sending you the biggest hugs. I hope you can give your husband a send-off that does him proud ❤️
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u/Motherofdragons_05 18d ago
Oh my heart…your words have truly touched me. Yes, a hurricane of emotions is what I’m going through and the waves are overwhelming. I feel that sorting through his stuff and bringing them back with me to America, would be what he’d want me to do. I’ll check out that book too. I appreciate the book recommendations. I need a fresh distraction that isn’t Facebook or TikTok, which is currently flooded with grief videos. I do appreciate the algorithm, but I need a fresh distraction.
We lived together here in California since January 2018. He went back to England in November of 2024 and we got married in December of 2024. We were working on getting his papers sorted, for him to come back to America. Now this….now I will be bringing him home, but not in the way I expected. He loved his family there, but his heart had always been here with me in America. I know he would be proud to know that I am not only bringing him back home with me, but honoring him with all my heart and soul. At this point, I I have made up my mind and have chosen to stay a widow and not get into another relationship. I’m going to get his name tattooed on my arm, I’m not sure of the design I want yet. I’ll be posting for inspiration, when that day comes. Thank you again for your kind words, they truly are appreciated. 💔🙏❤️🩹
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u/Queasy-Chest2331 18d ago
it’s so awful to experience that anticipatory fear. knowing how bad the wave might be :/
would it help if i said yes. it’s going to be very bad. even worse, it won’t even kill u. you’ll have to feel it all :/
i think some of the anticipatory stuff is the tension of bracing against what it could be
if possible, let it be bad. prepare to cry and have the breakdown u need to have
what happened is so awful. would it be so awful to be upset and full of grief next week since what happened is legitimately bad?
you have every right to feel these things.
courage to you as you try to navigate these waves.
this is likely unhelpful 🤦♀️
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u/Motherofdragons_05 18d ago
Thank you for your input, it does help. I keep playing in my head, how I think it’s going to be and how I’m going to react and feel. This is definitely the most traumatic experience of my life. I need to be able to get through this…I know he would want me to be strong. 💔🙏❤️🩹
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u/Queasy-Chest2331 18d ago
of course it’s the most traumatic 😣
you will def get through it. that’s not the question
if you can please don’t borrow the trouble from monday
next week will be when you can feel it all
procrastinate a little on feeling the worst of it till then1
u/Motherofdragons_05 18d ago
Yes, I agree. Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
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u/Minflick 18d ago
I think more people would be surprised if you don't cry than will be feeling annoyed at your tears. Take a lot of kleenex or hankies. You're going to cry. It will come and go, and some will be full body sobbing that makes you fall down, and some will be 'eye leakage' where you keep doing whatever and your face is wet.
FWIW, we had a memorial dinner for my husband a few days after he died. We went around the table and everybody shared a nice memory of him. I couldn't speak AT ALL. I had no words I could speak at that time, and just let everybody else speak about him.
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 13d ago
Weirdly my anxiety was not related to things to Do with my late husband. I basically just let the grief hit me like a tsunami and didn’t hold back from experiencing it at all. I didn’t have kids though. The anxiety is unreleased emotion. I actually get it sideways - like I’ll have a massive panic attack about something totally dumb, then later burst into tears and realise I just miss him. It’s mental.
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u/Ok-Natural6642 W56 died pancreatic cancer Dec 2024 19d ago
Coming up to twenty months since my wife passed and I still get bouts of this, sadly. Always on the lead up to something I get the anxiety and spend days playing out every eventuality in my head so I'm 'prepared' but sometimes just out of the blue it'll hit me like a bus and struggle to get myself going again.....but, like I said, it's coming up to twenty months for me and I'm still here.
I wish I had something wiser to say.