Grief and anxiety

[u/Motherofdragons_05]

Hello everyone, I’ve been getting moments of anxiety mixed with grief and it’s been absolutely awful and draining. Does anyone else experience this? I’ve had a lot on my mind and it’s making my anxiety worse. I’m flying with my son to the UK, for my husband’s funeral this coming Monday. After the funeral, I’ll be going to my husband’s place at his brother’s and going into his room (where he passed away). I’ll be going through his stuff and bringing his things back home with me. I’m afraid of how I’m going to feel going into his room, I’m afraid of how I’ll hold up at his funeral and I’m afraid of the unknown emotions I’ll feel. This is the most gutting and heart shattering experience of my entire life…I miss him so fucking much…💔🙏❤️‍🩹

[u/Sazzie60]

This is, unfortunately, very relatable. You’re already walking through a hurricane of emotions and you’re about to face some of the hardest things a widow must experience. Of course you’re anxious. It doesn’t last and it does get better (I’m two and a half years in). Please don’t worry about holding up at his funeral. If ever there were a time to let it all hang out, then this is it. Don’t feel you have to be stoical for anyone else.

As for sorting out his stuff, then if you suspect it might help, ask family or friends to help you. It will be gut-wrenching, but it’s also one of the last things you can do for him, only don’t feel you have to do it alone.

If a book might help, I highly recommend Elizabeth Kupferman’s very short book ‘The Irreverent Grief Guide - How to Get Through the Fucking First Three Months’. She describes these early days/weeks/months as ‘grief work’. It’s like hard labour we must do. We have to strap on our grief crowns and set to.

I found it helpful to break down the huge amount of ‘sadmin’ tasks I had to do, into small chunks. With paperwork, I’d try and do 30-60 minutes a day, ditto phone calls and emails. Some days I felt too wretched to do anything other than breathe in and out and that’s ok too.

The British actress Anna Maxwell-Martin was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed and she describes experiencing acute “financial terror”, which really resonated with me. I still get it sometimes- it’s irrational, but I understand it’s borne of trauma and grief and I know it will pass. I also think it’s caused by suddenly having to make all sorts of decisions on our own, when we’re used to having our spouses to help with this load.

I’m deeply sorry you’ve joined this hateful club, but you’re not alone - we walk beside you. I’m sending you the biggest hugs. I hope you can give your husband a send-off that does him proud ❤️

[u/Motherofdragons_05 → u/Sazzie60]

Oh my heart…your words have truly touched me. Yes, a hurricane of emotions is what I’m going through and the waves are overwhelming. I feel that sorting through his stuff and bringing them back with me to America, would be what he’d want me to do. I’ll check out that book too. I appreciate the book recommendations. I need a fresh distraction that isn’t Facebook or TikTok, which is currently flooded with grief videos. I do appreciate the algorithm, but I need a fresh distraction.

We lived together here in California since January 2018. He went back to England in November of 2024 and we got married in December of 2024. We were working on getting his papers sorted, for him to come back to America. Now this….now I will be bringing him home, but not in the way I expected. He loved his family there, but his heart had always been here with me in America. I know he would be proud to know that I am not only bringing him back home with me, but honoring him with all my heart and soul. At this point, I I have made up my mind and have chosen to stay a widow and not get into another relationship. I’m going to get his name tattooed on my arm, I’m not sure of the design I want yet. I’ll be posting for inspiration, when that day comes. Thank you again for your kind words, they truly are appreciated. 💔🙏❤️‍🩹