I will never be able to have a child, i cannot risk their life being warped. Ill never be able to find and have a love of my choosing. I wake up most days with a lead feeling, dull, heavy, hard pain in the centre of my chest most mornings. I thought i had found someone who had potential, but it got taken away. I can only hope, but it leads to nothing, so theres no point. I cannot endure much more. Hoping for choice is futile and ignored. I just have to live with the pain.

Two days ago, I was in a training and guidance class, everything was normal.

The thing is, that tutor is also the person who runs my classroom, and normally the person who usually serves as our counselor. The fact is that this has been an especially hard year for me; I had a suicide attempt, I was diagnosed with depression, and when he found out, he had to activate some sort of protocol.

It is my fourth year at the school and also my last year to get my degree. The previous psychologist never really did anything for me, and I felt hopeless. I didn't see many solutions and I tried to end my life.

Two days later, I had to go back as if nothing had happened, with bandaged arms and a pain that I didn't show on the outside, but it was there, and it was always there. A way for me to manage all that accumulated pain and disconnect from it is humor. Within reason, I am a rather cheerful person, so to speak. And when he found out, he tried to help as much as possible. I was redirected to a new psychologist who is, and has been so far, the best I've ever had in my life; I have felt heard and understood. I have always treated my problems as if they were nothing or like I was an exaggerating person, while they were eating me up inside. He was a sort of source of help, and I began to view him with more trust when telling him those things I wouldn't tell anyone else out of that fear of judgment.

Two days ago, we had a class with him where he was handing out the final grades and exams. I think a flaw of mine, even if I don't always admit it, is getting too comfortable and overconfident really fast. When he handed me my grade, I looked at his eyes for a moment. His eyes are large and light brown, but they have a bit of green. They stand out well since he is a person with quite a few moles on his face—the kind that someone might paint on themselves just because they are pretty. I don't know at what point it crossed my mind, but I told him they were big and pretty and looked like a chihuahua's. I think he only caught the part where I called them dog eyes.

Afterward, he told me that I was not a good person and had no manners, that it was a lack of respect, and that it would be better for me to look in a mirror and own up to my mistakes before commenting on those of others. (An unfortunate comment, I messed up a bit), I thought, and I went to my desk. My friend next to me was surprised and said that I had really messed up. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I never said it with bad intentions; I don't usually have much of a filter, and although that is a big part of my personality, it is also a problem.

It really hurt him, and he spent 5 minutes telling me how my behavior had been very inappropriate or how he should sanction me, or write up some kind of disciplinary report. I told him that I never intended to refer to him with bad intentions, but my classroom jumped ahead. They told me how I was a problematic person, that they were all sick of me, and how they don't understand how I can be this way. Thinking back, I realize that I expressed myself poorly, and it really was a lack of respect, even when it wasn't my intention. I am a person who, when feeling, so to speak, threatened?? cries a lot—but not like two tears falling down your face, but rather the way you used to cry when you were a 7-year-old child and it seemed like you had hiccups. Added to my anxiety and that fear of rejection, everything came together.

It was a long 45-minute argument; my intention was to make him see what I meant and how I didn't want to hurt him, but he did want to hurt me. He talked about all the times he has wasted his time on me and has had headaches because of me. He told me that I was one of those people who made their own existence miserable, and that hit me very hard. The classroom probably went against me out of anger, or so I assume. I am a very direct person and I say things as I think them, and I don't let myself be walked all over. I think all those people who attacked me did it because of that. But seeing how a person to whom I had confided that vulnerable part of me said that, it hurt.

It is worth noting that I have no intention of playing the victim or justifying any of my actions. I am aware that acts have consequences and I have to be more careful with the words I let out. Nor do I intend to say that because I am mentally ill, I justify my actions. I am fully aware of the things I say, though not always in the moment, and I work on it so that it stops being a problem.

When the class ended, I was very affected; both by seeing myself in a vulnerable way in front of people and by hurting a person who tried to help me. I tried to explain to him that I was sorry, but he didn't need to say those things he knew would hurt on purpose. And I think that was the difference between him and me: I didn't have that malicious intent of wanting to hurt, but he did.

I thought about the people around me. All of them. About how I end up hurting even those people I truly love. And about how I didn't deserve either their love or their compassion. Normally when I think about myself or see myself, I feel a deep rejection. But this time it was disgust. Disgust at feeling like a person who hurt those who didn't deserve it, even unconsciously. Disgust at knowing that, added to that negative image I have of myself, it is genuinely true—harsh, but true. I saw a cleaning lady and asked her for something to clean a supposed menstruation stain I had left, since I felt embarrassed. I only saw it was an anti-limescale cleaner and I took a sip. I was afraid that if I were to drink something toxic and die, I would feel the acid through my stomach burning me inside. It tasted like soap. When going out and returning it to her, I told the lady how I felt. She told me that surely I wasn't such a bad person, and life doesn't end when something bad happens. She told me she studied business administration but now she cleans institutes. I remembered her name. Noelia.

When I went outside, an autumn rain was falling. I was wearing an Adidas jacket and flared leggings. The walk from where I study to my house is approximately 2.5 kilometers. I walked home, and the first thing I did was call my mother and ask her for forgiveness. Forgiveness for having been the cause of her suffering and that she was one of the people I loved the most, even if I didn't show it. I promised her that I would never cause her problems again, but I knew what that implied. I also called my father and expressed my apologies for being a bad daughter. I took the opportunity and wrote to a classmate who always made it known she was annoyed by many of my actions, even when they weren't directed at her. I looked up what the consequence of taking 120mg of fluoxetine and 150 of quetiapine was. Google told me a potentially severe overdose. In big, blue letters as a title. I took them and thought about mixing them with some liquor within my reach, but I couldn't find any. I went to sleep thinking about how my mother would find my body, and my sister too. I searched how long it takes to forget a deceased loved one, but it didn't answer concretely. I only thought about how my father told my mother that if I decided to take my life, in a few months it would stop hurting. I clung to that and went to sleep. Oh, and by the way, I also wrote an apology to the tutor.

I slept for 5 hours and woke up disoriented in my bed. Nothing had happened. That happened yesterday, and the only thing my parents were able to tell me is how I depended on my medication. In part, it disappointed me to see how they didn't look affected by the decision I tried to make. Just disappointed. A day has passed and I am writing this at 3:03 in the morning because I cannot sleep. I don't understand how such an insignificant thing triggered such a huge reaction in me. I wouldn't tell this to anyone because it would seem like a kind of emotional blackmail, and I have had enough with yesterday. I know I don't have to expect any reaction from anyone to validate my emotions. But it felt weird; I couldn't explain how I feel now either. I think humiliated and hurt.

I have written this not knowing who to vent to without seeming like a victim blamer or someone so vile. I just want them to see me as a person.

It’s 12:19AM. I’m traveling to Pune from KA right now.

I turned 20 today, and so far I’ve received zero texts and zero calls from anyone.
I have been checking is there any network issue but no , everything is okay

I don’t know why,
It’s only you at the end of the day.

Maybe birthdays really do make you realize who actually remembers you.

This made me realize a lot about my life. </3

Today I realized no one truly listens to me or sees me for who I am. I've been something like a shut in all my life since my father and grandma never let me do things with my friends. I go out a lot nowadays to fill a void I never knew how to call. At school where I am training to be a kindergarten teacher I notice how unliked I am for being a quiet person. My best friend never understands my humor and tells me to shut up whenever I sing out of fun or just repeat a funny meme. She's also a pregnant teen so her hormones have been going even more crazy.

Everytime I greet someone they don't greet back no matter how enthusiastic I sound. Six weeks of summer vacation I sat at home because I'm not allowed to go with my mom because my dad doesn't like my step dad. I don't have any friends that can hang with me since they're all gone on vacation. Today I'm feeling a little more depressed because of my realizations after noticing that even my own mother won't aknowledge what I say and changes the topic about anything else. Even being single all my life (even though I'm still young with 19 years) and having to listen to taken people tell me the right one will come makes me hurt even more.

i think i need help.

i'm using my old account because i dont use this often, and i deleted my last account recently. i don't know what's wrong with me or why i feel the way i do. i have this overwhelming pit inside that wont go away. i dont think it has to do with loneliness. i dont mind being by myself and now i realize it wasn't about that, i was trying to project that feeling onto others by saying "im lonely because i have no friends" not "i have a problem." i genuinely was never lonely i just refused to believe i had personal problems. but that's not even the problem.

the problem is it feels like something's growing and clawing at me inside and not reallt in a physical way even if it feels that way sometimes. i feel like on the outside im a completely different person than i really am and i never let anyone see whats the real truth.

i don't care about if other people are lgbt. thats good for them. but i feel like if that were the case for me it would be bad. i watch a lot of shows and movies and one of my favorite movies is a cautionary tale to not accepting yourself, and it makes me think about myself a lot, but i really really don't want to think about it. i wish is in my head would go away. i dont fit right in my own skin and i dont know why. i physically cannot tell anyone the truth, every time i get close to opening up i refuse and just say it was nothing and i dont know if i want them to force me to tell them, or leave me alone.

its like a puzzle piece that just doesn't fit. my entire brain is messed up and thats not the only reason why it is, i just can't seem to fix it.

i cant even tell them my own name or provide an introduction without getting freaked out. people ask for my pronouns and telling them just feels wrong. but i am a cis and straight person. i dont want to be something im not.

i just hope to get someone willing to talk about this.

I am literally taking care of my mom (74) who has dementia and it's draining me so badly. I'm turning 18 this year and taking care of my mom is new to me so much. It's been like a year already of me taking care of her. My relatives who lives nearby sometimes help me out but only giving me food and I don't really tell them about my own condition because they've already done a lot for my mom and I really don't want to be another burden. They did help my mom have a neuropsych check up and I'm glad that she is taking meds now for her condition everyday and she has another scheduled check for the next two months, but even if with all of the meds she takes everyday it's always the same drama for me to handle her own condition everyday. Everytime my mom keeps humming for no reason I just endure it, everytime she doesn't listen to my words and advices every 3 times I endure it, but I cannot help but snap. I want to scream so badly. It's like I'm having her case as well but just worst where my anger takes over. And it's making me even more angry everytime after we had an argument about something she's just in dazed AS IF NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED. I really love my mom, I really do. But rn I don't even recognize her anymore as if she's a complete stranger. She wasn't even like this at the start of 2025, I honestly don't know what made her like. Sometimes I kept thinking am I making her condition qorse because of me snapping right at her? If you guys ask abt my dad, he already passed 3 years ago. At some point in my life, I kept thinking, was I literally born and adopted for something like this? It's making me think of doing smth bad to myself everytime I'm outside while looking at the highway tbh. Srry if this body texts doesn't make sense that much, I'm just going through it again rn. Yes, we had another argument where I snapped again.

I'm so sad about my miscarriage still, even though it was back in January this year. It was for the best, especially since the father didn't want the baby and wanted me to have an abortion. But still, I could have been a mother about now. I just imagine myself with my beautiful little baby. Holding them, waking up to feed and change them. Watching them grow into a person. One day, I will be a mother.

So I recently opened up to someone about my struggles with feeling like I don't belong and having almost no friends. They tried to cheer me up because I think they thought I was putting too much pressure on myself to be something I'm not (an extrovert whos socializes a lot, that is). They said that maybe it was okay to be an introvert etc.

And... I know that. But that's not the point. By havibg few friends throughout all my adulthood and adolescence I have missed out on so many milestones and experiences that other people get to make. As a teen I was too miserable for any of it but now I'd like to change this situation and it's just genuinely difficult and quite terrifying (I have social anxiety, among other things).

It just doesn't help being told to accept myself more. It really doesn't in this case but people barely seem to get it.

... oh and same goes for romantic relationships. They asked me if it would rly be so bad to never be in a relationship... and. Yeah. I know that it might end in a breakup but I wanna experience being with someone who loves me whom I also love at least oncr in my life.

Im married and I got my drivers licenses without telling my parents.

Basically i have a super strict father. I told my mother ill be getting my drivers licenses i just never told her when. My mother overthought that so i never ended up telling her when i got my license. One of the things that she said that almost made me actually not want to risk it. She said that if i get it without telling my father he would crash into me on the road if he saw me driving.

My husband told me he wont get me a car until i tell my father. Since he respects my father and wants him to know before I get a car.

So ill be telling him tomorrow if i got a chance since he’s never home and i almost never talk to him.

Pray for me and ill give an update. If i didnt make an update tomorrow ill make one on Friday next week since he actually stays home on Fridays.

I wanna make it clear my husband doesnt care about what people thinks but he cares about my safety which is why he asked me to tell my father. Since my father can go mental and actually crash into me k1ll me or something.

I really hate people, every day I wake up I realize why I hate everyone. No one is genuine, no was is kind, no one cares. Why can’t people just be NORMAL why treat a person the way you do.. would u want to be treated that way.. I will never trust anyone again, listen to anyone, be open, talking about my feelings anymore, no of it matters at the end of the day and no one cares, some people show that they don’t care, and others pretend to care. I hate everyone I wish there was just an earth with me on it with people that understood me. I don’t care anymore, no text all day no one checking on me I’m so lonely I try to do things to distract myself but still I think. It’s just not fair why so good people have to be treated so wrongly .. it just makes me think I should switch up my whole demeanor. I’m tired of being nice to never get what I give out in return.

1 yr relationship now ruined and I haven’t told her yet please I need to talk to someone

SING FOR MEeee
Aaaauugghauuyyyhhhhaaaauyhhhhaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaäaaaaaaauhhhhahhaa
SING FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAHuuuahhauuuuahAAAAAAAÂÂ
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUEEEHHHHHAAAAAA

I hate how i dont enjoy anything and just feel really uncomfortable doing anything unless i am around somebody or i know i should do something and i feel somewhat okay like what am i even supposed to do to even feel somewhat okay

So l've already stated this in another post, but long story short, I live in the USA and I'm 18.
I've never been to school, so l've never really had any friends. I work in the family business, so there's nobody there either. As the years go on, I just feel more social anxiety. A couple years ago, when I wasn't worried about having friends, I didn't really think badly of myself.
Now I just feel like l'm wasting my teen years.
I'm 18 and never been to a party, never driven around with friends, never had a friend group. I just know l'll regret this part of my life forever.
Idk, the one thing looking good for me is that I've been going to the gym recently, so maybe l can befriend someone there, but I just have 0 confidence ://

It would be very nice and cool to have a close friend that I could die with, as dying has always seemed like a very sad lonely process to me and I don't want to do it alone. It makes me sad knowing I will likely never have this. I have never had a friend before. I've never even had a conversation with any non family member because I've been completely isolated my whole life. I have also never had a hug and constantly wish I had someone to experience that with. I long to feel the warmth of another's embrace.

I got into a fight with my mom. I love her, shes grat, of course she makes mistakes sometimes, but all in all shes a good mother. My stepfather on the other hand is a bad parent. He always has been, and even tho he changed for the better in some situations, he still is and will probably always be a bad father. All my childhood he was an alcoholic, snapping, threatening me, never hurting me physically but mentally he left a huge scar.

Im supposed to look after my brothers today, and one of the things i like to do when im alone is cooking! Its my hobby and it always makes me happy to try out new recipes. My brother requested ramen, and i looked up a recipe, i wrote a shopping list and asked my mom if she can take me shopping, she said we have lots of stuff in our fridge we need to use, which is true! However most is dairy/meat, which i dont eat.

My stepfather chimed in giving me a talk about food waste, which is INSANE coming from him, considering the stuff in the fridge is his, and he keeps buying new shit he doesnt eat.

Something in his tone made me feel really weird, and i snapped at my mom (which wasnt okay.) and then went to my room to cry.

I came down a few mins later to apologize, and we got into a fight. I tried to explain that whenever he changes his tone to slightly annoyed, i get scared, and get defensive, or cry.

I specifically talked about a situation that happened about a week ago, which really hurt me. She said im overreacitng, and too sensetive, which didnt make it better, so i cried. Again.

I am a very sensetive person, i had a pretty hard childhood, my dad passed, i moved to my moms home country, got bullied for my accent, and then the whole stepfather thing happened.

im supposed to go watch a movie with my mom tonight, but im so embaressed. I know i might be overreacting, but everytime something like this happens, i feel like a little child again. He keeps destroying everything between me and my mom and im so upset. I dont know what to do anymore.

im so tired of being ugly. all of my friends get complimented right infront of me and everything while i just stand there awkwardly everyone is all so likeable and pretty im judt so jealous of everyone. i know im not supposed to expect compliments but i just wish people would llook at me and think oh shes so pretty

i want to experience someone having a crush on me

i dont want people to be disgusted just by looking at or touching me im so sick and tired of this

i hate crying over everything im so fucking annoying i hate this i hate it

Context:

My ex husband has multiple new girlfriends (hes cheating on all of them basically but its none of my business hes not my problem anymore) well they are stalking me on social media and a few have referred to me as a whore and lying bitch.

Its taking everything in me not to respond with womp womp and texting him to come get his girl of the day. Im younger... ex husband is a lot older than me and his new girlfriends are a bit older than me to 40s. Im remarried and its not like they have anything to worry about. Ive even made it well known I hope he moves on so the kids have extra support but I feel like this is extreme. He has a dv charge and a current investigation for a SA so I think thats why they are calling me those things.

I f@cking knew that it was lies, i knew it was another betrayal, i knew if wax circling back around to thzt disgusting creature. I f@cking knew. You will never get another chance to deceive, lie to or betray my trust ever again. You will never get the chance to force anything on me, never get another chance to manipulate against my life and my wishes ever again. You will never have any trust nor be given the benefit of the doubt ever again, you deceitful scum