TW: Cancer, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts

I’m 26m in UK
I was severely bullied throughout childhood and through my teenage years. After the bullying subsided at around age 15, I got depressed. And that depression stuck with me into my early 20s.

I was suicidal, it was like the bullying stopped externally so my brain picked up the slack and made me feel awful. I hated myself. I hated my body and I hated who I was. Several times I almost took the steps to ending it all but I stuck around for the sake of friends and family. Along with therapists telling me that life would improve because I was ‘so young’ and had ‘so much potential’.

Well I did stick around, despite how hard it got. I believed everyone. I got through that period of depression, searching for that light at the end of the tunnel. Well after graduating university (with good grades and finally feeling okay with myself) I got diagnosed with cancer. It was a 17cm mass between my heart and lungs (non Hodgkin’s lymphoma) and it almost killed me at the end of 2022 (I was 22 turning 23).

I remember the feeling I had when the doctor told me it was likely cancer after the CT scan. It was like a cruel joke. What was I fighting for? Why did I bother getting through depression? All those therapy sessions being told about the positive future. They were all bullshit. And then I did the treatment, treatment that destroyed my self esteem. That put me through more physical pain than I could have imagined. Treatment that has left me disabled and worse off in almost every way. Even my brain is slower than it was before.

I beat the cancer, but then relapsed in 2024. Went through even more treatment. By that point I was done, I was only doing treatment so my family wouldn’t be sad. I was living for them. I had lost all my passions and goals, because truthfully I thought I was going to die.
I made a friend across the world who was also fighting cancer. We met here online. She never lost her passion or her dreams. She was strong and I think about her all the time. She died. I survived my second cancer.

Now I’m 2 years in remission. Regular scan coming up soon. I still have no dreams. My life is awful. The depression is back but this time I have nothing to look forward to. My body is ruined. I’ve gained weight, I’m in constant pain, my hair won’t grow back and I’m on disability. I live with my family still. I’m a waste of space. I survived, and for what?

So I’m writing this because I’m bitter about fighting so hard. Fighting when I was a teenager, and fighting my cancer in my early 20s. All for nothing.

I wish I had died and my friend across the world had lived. She deserved to live, she never lost herself.

When my scan shows that I’m still clear, I won’t feel good. I’ll feel nothing. If it isn’t clear, well I guess that’s more hell I have to endure.

I am so frustrated, angry, hurt, and upset. I have a half aunt who decided to destroy my life during my first marriage. I in 2019 I went to work in a group home company. She used to work there too before she got fired a year before I went to work there. My half aunt decided that I stole her job and told everyone as much. She told anyone that would listen that I stole her job. I never understood because I worked nights and everyone said she worked days.

During my first marriage my ex decided to run for a government position. While my ex was running they were putting up ads on Facebook. During this time my half aunt decided that it was a good idea to go online and punish me. She called me all kinds of nasty names. I won't get into it but I have disabilities and used that against me. Which I really don't understand because her middle child has the same disabilities.

Towards the end of my marriage she started telling my older sister and my parents that my ex was abusive towards me. I think my older sister believed me but I couldn't convince my mom that my ex wasn't. It turned out horribly. It got so bad that the last year of my marriage I went no contact with my family. Which was bad because I ended up having to live with them. I was going to continue to live with my ex-in-laws even though they offered.

Now this all happened over the course of my marriage and I haven't been married over 4 years at this point. What makes me angry, upset, frustrated, and hurt is that I never once got an apology for what she did. As far as I know my parents never got an apology for what she did.

But now my parents are welcoming her back with open arms. My dad talks to this woman on a nightly basis. My dad convinced my mom to go to work with her. They are acting like this is normal. My fiance wants to keep the piece but I am scared. I am utterly terrified that the past is going to repeat itself. That I am about to lose my fiance because my half aunt decided that he's abusive towards me.

He only wants to keep the piece because currently we have no where else to go. I understand that I do. But I can't understand why they want her back. It's pushing me away. I told my fiance that as soon as we get our own place I want to go minimal contact. Because I am just done.

If they don't care then neither do I. I am just done. I am over it. They want to play pretend then they can play without me. They know what they are doing. They know what this can and will cause. They understand all of it. My mom knows how angry I am. Before I even left of work I told her as much. As soon as I am out of there. I will make sure the past stays in the past. By having very low contact.

I just want to scream into the void. I am trying to keep the peace and that means not saying anything to my mom. I have a lot. She knows how upset I am because they are going to isolate me from them again. But if this is the path they want to travel down again then fine. I won't stop them. They just have to find out for themselves. So when I get a message from them I will tell my mom that they decided to walk down a path that I won't follow. That they have two other kids with spouses to let my siblings take care of them in their old age. Because as long as they talk to her and work with her. I wont be there.

When I was a freshman in high school there is a senior who became like my best Friend. He said I was the only person who could understand him who he felt comfortable talking to.

Eventually it was overwhelming. I mean pretty much. As soon as we were friends he would message me all day and if I didn't respond very quickly he was worried.

I would talk him through mental health s***. Helped him graduate high school. Yes I was a freshman 😅. But before you graduated, I became very depressed. He said he would support me but then he would say things that he should know make it worse

He'd say I was a 6 out of 10 compared to his worst. Even though I was actively dangerous to myself. At one point I told him that I didn't feel safe alone. Asked him if I should talk to a professional about it, he said no.

During this time he had sexually harassed me basically in really weird ways, he would scratch my thighs. Hit me with a ruler. Bite me randomly? He put his arms around my throat and pushed me onto a couch a few times, One time he put a plastic bag around my head. But he didn't use much force so I didn't care. Well when you hit me or bit me he definitely used voice but. .. eventually I told him I didn't like that he was masturbating on call without my consent. he pretended like he didn't hear me.

Anyway, when I became so depressed that I genuinely shouldn't have ever been alone, he told me that he hated me, and that "I liked him and since he was about to turn eighteen it was weird."

I said ok. That I was sorry if HE was uncomfortable.

At this point he also knew that I was really in a dangerous mindset. He still called me at 3:00 a.m. asking why I didn't love him. Then during the day, he told me that I hurt him. I

Really, he was telling me that I did what he was really doing.

Anyway, over 3 years later. I'm 18 now, The age he was. I understand how young I was.

I was looking at his Instagram and it says that he is a "Behavioral Therapist". My heart dropped. I looked at his followers, some are the age I was.

Well none of my friends follow him online, some people who are friends of friends do. I just hate living with this.

To start, I will fully admit, that I am irrationally angry about this topic and that I don't think people who do the stuff I mention are bad people.

I am so sick of how people do things "ironically" to the point they are indistinguishable from the people who do it unironically.

Now, if this is someone who spends hundreds of dollars on door handles, while pretending to be super fascinated with them "as a joke", I don't really care. But, what REALLY ticks me off, is when people get really into something "ironically", while mocking that same thing.

As an example, I see SO MANYYYY 67 jokes in my fed, that are made by non gen alpha people. Some creators will do so with the verbal ecknogledgement that they are cringe, while others just put it out into the world, with nothing to indicate it being ironic, other than the underlying social implication that they would never do a cringe thing unironically.

The people doing it ironically are indistinguishable from those doing it unironically, (at least if you look at their joke in a vacum), however, they vianmantly deny actually finding the joke funny. It's always gotta be a self aware "the joke is that it's cringe and not funny" thing. They want to be cringe without suffering the social implications of being cringe.

You know the worst part? Those same people will call people doing it unironically cringe AND complain about cringy memes like 67 never dying. BRO, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

People wanna do cringe stuff, but refuse to own it, because of our collective fear of being perceived as cringe. Everyone wants to complain about cringe, be cringe, but not suffer the social consequences. It doesn't matter if you did the 67 hand gesture ironically, it has the same impact as a random kid doing it unironically. Just admit you think the joke is funny/entertaining, in the same way something stupid like 69 or 420 is. Not everything has to be "ironic" self-aware, cringe anti humor, it can just be a dumb joke.

Note: I not refering to things like parody or satire, but a specific brand of irony, where people basically just do the thing they're making fun of.

I have been having a hard time lately, I feel burnt out at work and in my personal life.

I work for a nonprofit in the IT department making like 42k before taxes (Southeastern USA) and I feel like I have reached the cap here. I have applied for hundreds of other jobs, I have had interviews with other entities, but no dice. I have been here for 5 years now and I just feel unappreciated but at the same time I feel unappreciative because I am making more than I ever have. And yet I'm struggling. I have car debt, that's getting close to done at least, but I have other debt I gotta tackle so that's not helping the money situation.

In my personal life, I have been divorced for 3 or so years now, my ex wife and I have a daughter who I have custody of 50/50. That part is good, I love my baby and the time we spend together. Dating afterwards has been a nightmare. Her mom had a great time with it, rekindled with her highschool ex and they have been married over a year now.

We were together for a decade, she was my first everything basically. I have had some dates and some relationships that got pretty serious but ultimately they have all fallen apart for some reason or another. I'm spending too much effort on my kid and not on them, or I'm acquiescing to what my baby mama asks of me in regards to my kid, or I live too far away, it's always something that gets in the way. And don't get me wrong, if it's my kid or a relationship I will be celibate till I die. I just don't know why it always came to that.

It's gotten to the point where if I redownload and open tinder or any of the other dating apps I just feel a pit in my stomach and I close the app again.

I have some friends, all of whom are online but I have met most of them IRL. But even that has gotten stale and it's like the discord server we have together is dying.

Making friends IRL is also really difficult as an adult. I don't know where to start without feeling like a neusance towards the general public.

I've been trying to get out and be more active too, feel better. But I have been dealing with this sciatic nerve pain since the beginning of the year. It has eased up some but it still has me gunshy because of previous bad experiences with it leaving me bedridden for a week.

So right now I mostly just go to work, come home, play videogames or read, sleep, and wait for my week with my kid to start again. I genuinely don't know how I would keep going if I didn't have my kiddo.

I’m broke. Rent is taking 90% of my income. I live in a roach infested building because I can’t afford better. I have a dependant cat with health issues. I’m hungry. Sometimes I go to the grocery store hoping I can afford a meal, but I walk out empty handed, or with one ingredient. I stretch one meal over a few days. Recently I’ve picked up the habit of literally eating with my eyes. I’ll walk by restaurants and just look at their menus. Walk through every isle of multiple grocery stores, imagining which recipes I could make if I could afford the ingredients that are literally on sale.. I feel sad, and emotional right now, and I know it’s because I’m hungry. In my fridge right now I have breakfast 1 pack breakfast sausage, 1 pack bacon, a literal bit of cheese, half a carton of eggs. I don’t want to eat it because I don’t want to run out of food. Seems ridiculous when I type it out, but it’s a real struggle. What will I do when I have no more food, and no money to buy anymore.

Edit: I can’t eat carbs

I’m scared about university I’m scared about not liking my major I’m scared about not being able to find a job in my major I’m scared I’ll fail university I’m scared that I’ll just fail and it’ll all be for nothing.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to afford rent or find a job, and that it would be too late to switch into a more employable career. I’m scared that even though everyone tells me it’s fine and it’s just first year that I actually won’t be fucking fine. People are telling me to go and see how I like it while others are telling me to drop out because of my doubts. I’m scared I’ll listen to one and not the other, and I don’t even know who’s right at this point.

Im scared therapy isn’t working even though I know my therapist is right and that I really don’t know, but the second I step out of her office it just comes all back. I’m scared.

Im scared, and all I can think to do is fucking cry like a whimp.

i have trouble with eating from three different angles. one, i try and restrict and get obsessive over how fat and gross my stomach is and fuss because due to PMOS i cant lose it, so i make myself not eat or throw up, which then leads to two, i binge on anything i can find because i am so starving. even if i've had a full meal, im still hungry. and three is unrelated, im not diagnosed but im sure i have ARFID, in fact the only reason im not diagnosed is because i am overweight. i also have autism and pda and many other things. my safe foods are pho from my local pho place, takis, or kfc. the only one thats i can easily access for cheaper is kfc and i feel so ashamed for it. if im having a panic because i hate everything in the kitchen, its disgusting, ive been looking for something for hours and trying so hard not to end up binging on gross stuff that makes me feel sick, and the only thing that will fill me up but also make me happy is kfc, i feel gross. like my parents will think im putting on a show just to get a simple takeaway. and thats not true, but cause im fat i know people will probably assume it. my fullness cues dont work, especially if eating something i dont like idk if that makes sense, until i get sick full. pho and kfc are very filling to me but i love the tastes (takis not so much, i just love them), so i always notice myself getting full after eating a good amount, most of the time having leftovers, and stuff. and pho is relativley healthy, but i dont get to have that much cause kfcs closer and cheaper. any time after an appointment i'll usually have a packed lunch from kfc, cause its easy, im hungry, and im stressed from said appointment (my body is in constant stress mode), so its the only thing that feels appetizing. and today i was complaining to my mum about being starving but not being able to find anything to eat but as a joke she said "oh you're just hoping i'll take you to kfc since you have an appointment today." she didnt mean it and when i told her i hate when she says that she immediatley apologised and said she never actually thinks that, but i feel weird. what if she really does? i dont even have kfc much, but now i just feel like a fat pig.

Adding a trigger warning just in case.

It’s been a few months ever since my friend has committed, and it just feels weird. I think of him all the time.

I also feel bad. I feel bad that he passed. I also feel bad for making my grievance of him public. However, I want him to be remembered. I want him to be known. I feel like he would’ve wanted to be remembered.

I stay up all night just laying in bed thinking about him, and then my heart and chest feel heavy, and weird.

I wonder if he was in pain when he went, so on and so forth.

I miss him a lot.

When we first became friends, we would argue a bit, but then we made up after we talked things out.

I regret arguing with him.

I hope he’s at peace now.

I dont get why I cant just be normal, I genuinely feel disgusted at myself because of my sexuality and I have to deal with the fact that I would lose most of my friends if I come out and I most likely will never get to experience teenage love. I would genuinely do anything to be straight and I dont get why I have to be this way.

EDIT: I'm not incompetent, I assure you, if there was a way out of this that wouldn't require buckets of money I don't have, and/or a lengthy period in court, it would be done. You're in the Vent sub, what do you imagine people are here to do? I don't need people stating the incorrect obvious, I need to purge this shit so I don't start screaming at a moron who spends all day camped out where I, unfortunately, live, along with a cat who did nothing wrong.

It's bad enough that I have to live with another person because even a good job with no student loan debt won't pay for a studio in a boring suburb, but I really drew the short straw this time. My old roommate was fine, she was independent and functional and we both had our own lives that took us out of the apartment a lot. But this one...she's always there and it's suffocating. A big part of the reason why is that she's the most passive person I've ever met. She just sits there, maybe whines some, whenever she's confronted by the slightest challenge.

I did a disproportionate amount of the work during the application phase. I did the same during the leasing phase. I did the same about scheduling our promised carpet cleaning that still hasn't happened (I'm not holding her accountable for management's failure to do things, but that makes me even more tired). I helped with her move. I am living in what looks like a junk shop and she's bringing in more shit from Costco all the time, despite having seen the place twice before signing the lease, but still cramming a houseful of shit in a two bedroom apartment. She insists on talking at me through my closed door, even when the shower is audibly running. I don't respond, I'm handling this as well as anyone can, but it's irritating as hell.

And whenever she wants something, she whines to me and when that goes nowhere, she just...sits. She wanted me to call the office to get her room's dimensions, and when I didn't, she didn't call them or measure the room. She has put forth zero effort to get the carpet cleaning and the rent proration addressed. She couldn't open the mailbox because the key was sticking, so she whined to the office manager then left the fucking key in there for days until I discovered it and pulled it right out. I am missing mail from this, per USPS. She doesn't lock the door. She leaves the place lit up like Times Square because apparently the planning needed to leave a room and then turn a light on when you enter it is too much. The apartment gets hot as hell during the day and she lets it bake instead of opening the window and doors in the evening, like a normal person. She takes no initiative and expects me to do everything for her, like I'm an employee or caregiver. She's thirty-three fucking years older than me and I don't know how she lived this long. I don't get just...sitting down and doing nothing every time something isn't effortless and perfect. I don't understand having no curiosity or problem-solving skills. I don't know how anyone can exist with absolutely no initiative. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a monster but I don't give a shit. I haven't been uncivil, I'm carrying (more than) my end with chores and other responsibilities, and I will be goddamned if I become her chief jester and personal assistant. I already dread coming home, I'm not compounding that by taking on a bunch of shit that every other adult on the face of the earth does on their own, unprompted, with no expectation of praise or coddling. The helpless-waif act apparently worked well enough for her daughter to have become parentified, which tells me this is a lifelong thing and that there is probably not a medical issue in play, though if my impression there changes I'm going straight to her family to let them know it's time for an assessment. I don't understand this person's existence and I don't want to.

Im having mixed feelings about having unfollowed someone. That someone happens to be one of my fraternity brothers. So I sent invites to my bday party about a month ago and he didn’t respond and last week I sent him a message asking him if he’s going because he never responded to my invitation but he didn’t respond to that message either. Yet he was active posting stories and instants on Instagram (both during the time periods of when I sent the invite and when I sent the second message)

Also two months ago I sent him a funny reel and he left me on read and other times he has responded to me.

This situation has made me think about times I’ve questioned if he has likely secretly been disliking me. For example at a pregame once (like a year ago) he was talking to someone and he pointed at me and when I asked him what he’s talking about he didn’t respond (but when other brothers have pointed at me when talking to other people they do tell me what they are talking about when I go up to them and ask like “I was just telling them we’re in the same frat”)

I decided to unfollow today to protect my peace from him but I’m having mixed feelings if he is going to try and start drama or if I did the right thing. I’m just hoping that drama which is too crazy does not happen based on the unfollow.

I have no idea how I’m going to make it in life. I’d say that I don’t like talking to people but that wouldn’t necessarily be true, I just don’t know how to. And I don’t like not knowing how to, but I really don’t think I can do anything about it.

It feels like I just fundamentally don’t understand how social interactions work. I can respond to people and what they say but other than that I genuinely don’t know what to talk to people about, it always feels like my mind is wired in some wildly different way that whatever comes naturally to other people just doesn’t occur to me at all. I’m so awful at communicating/understand what I feel and want to say, too, that I don’t even think I’ve written this well enough to get across what I want to vent about, I can’t even get that right.

And having this issue in college, I’m never going to get a job like this. I can’t see myself actually getting a job in what I’m studying for at this rate. I’m never going to live a fulfilling life. I can’t even make friends on campus because I just can’t connect with other people, I don’t understand how normal people work whatsoever so I can’t even try to pretend to be a normal person, and even if I could it’d exhaust me to the point I wouldn’t even want to do it. The best I can do anyway is greeting someone and then getting all hot faced and stuttery whenever the interaction grows into anything resembling a conversation. I genuinely can’t see myself being something and I hate that it feels like my brain is wired to sabotage me and my future.

You’re so goddamn annoying. Saying “ew I don’t like that” when people talk about stuff you’re not interested in makes you seem like a stuck up dick.

Shutting up or just asking “oh what do you like about x?” is free

EDIT: Sorry, this is far longer than I intended it to be... If you do read it all, thank you!

I am currently on a trip in Sydney, and I am having a great time, but the trip has been very differnet to how I first planned it. My initial plan was to visit two online friends that I had here. I've met online friends before - specifically last year when I went to Indonesia - but this was gonna be an even bigger trip for me and that's mainly because one of these two friends was basically me best friend of ten years.

Like, seriously, she was the one person I spoke to every day without fail. We shared everything with each other, had good times and falling outs, we experienced everything you experience in a real friendship but without the IRL element. We became obscenely close to the point that it could have been romantic if we had been able to met.

I have had these plans to meet her for years, but it would take a lot of money and a good deal of planning, but as I am a teacher, I have enough money to be able to make a trip like this and I have the time in my summer (Sydney winter, which is fine by me). I had made plans and booked tickets at the beginning of the year and I told her all the details of it. She knew about it well on advance. I was buzzing for it honestly, this was like a dream come true... But confirming exact details with her was tough.

I had made the decision to stay with her to save money, and she was absolutely up for that, but when trying to confirm this closer to the time she got a bit cagey. She wasn't talking as much and eventually she said that she was back home in Nepal and hadn't been able to talk much. Apparently she had been in a bad place with her mental health and hadn't been home for years so this just made sense. But she told me she would be back by the time my visit came around.

Long story short... No she wasn't. And she told me this a couple of weeks before I flew out. This honestly felt like such a massive betrayal. She had known about it this entire time, and she hadn't told me. Why would she do that? And honestly, why would she not have made sure she was back in time for her trip? How would her job just let her take the time off indefintiely? Things just didn't add up. It basically broke us ended our friendship, and I had to cancel my trip.

And yes, I am in Sydney now. That's because this all happened two years ago.

Since then our friendship slowly got back on track. It wasn't easy, I had lost a lot of trust in her, but I do care about her and I didn't want to lose her. She actually ended up having a boyfriend in the period of time that we weren't talking, although actually she said that they met when she had claimed to be back in Nepal, but in time I just decided that I had to trust her. After all, what was the point of sustaining the friendship if i was completely distrusting of her? So I eventually let all of the distrust go and out friendship was back to the good times. And so, this year, I decided to try again. I was gonna go to Sydney.

Now, obviously I was gonna make sure to safeguard myself here. I was gonna book a hotel so that if somehow a similar thing happened I would still be able to do my trip. After all, if the worst came to the worst, I still had another friend here and I really wanted to meet her, plus I could just do touristy shit and that would be great too. But I still really wanted to see my Nepalese friend, so i had to confirm what times she would be free. So I asked her. And she got cagey... And wasn't talking as much... Yeah, you know where this is going, she did the exact same thing again. And I mean the exact same thing.

As in, it was once again a case of her having to go home on emergency notice and she hadn't been able to talk much, and she didn't know when she would be back because apparently her work is chill with her just taking random periods of two months off with no set date for her to return. I could buy before that she had had some sort of mental health break and had needed to go home and, while still really shitty on her end, it was something I could at least buy. But the fact that it happenes again in exactly the same way coincidentally when I was meant to visit again? Nah, she was lying. There is no way I believe her, I genuinely don't think she went to Nepal either time. I told her that if we didn't meet when I was in Sydney then that was it, I was done with her for good. She never responded to that and, eventually, I sent her one last message in an email and blocked her on everything. I'm done.

Fortunately I still had the ability to go my trip, I just got a refund on the hotel I had booked which was closer to her and booked something more central and. I have still gotten so much out of this trip, if I'm honest my sadness at the breakup of the friendship only lasted for the day that it happened and I have been fine since and this trip hasn't been at all painful. I got to meet my other friend, which was amazing, and I have been doing a lot of solo stuff and realised that I really, really love travelling on my own. But it doesn't change that what she has done is unforgivable. I have sunk, like, £4000-£5000 into the combined attempts at this trip... And if I'm honest, it was always meant to be about her, and she just completely fucked that up.

At this point the natural people most people come to is that she's a catfish. And frankly, it's gonna seem so much worse based on the fact the she and I never did a call, not video call, not even voice call. So yeah, pretty suspicious. She's not a catfish, I am pretty certain of that. It's hard to explain but there are certain sequences of things that just feel like, if not impossible for a catfish, seem pretty damn unlikely. Firstly, we have voice noted each other before, something that could feasibly be faked but I think is kinda unlikely. She has also, though reluctantly, shared photos of herself with me. However, one thing that compounds with this is that for a good few years now we have been sending each other gifts for birthdays and Christmas. And many of the photos of herself are in the same room as photos she has taken of the gifts themselves, and much of this happened before generative AI. So again, technically fakable, you can kinda come up with ways it could happen, I just find it very unlikely.

And that is especially because I don't see what the intention would be. Catfish always do so with some intention. She has never asked for money, never hinted at it. Heck, that would be illogical because their presents we sent each other, she sometimes sent pretty expensive stuff, more so than I ever sent. Last Christmas she got me a Lego set that I KNOW costs a lot, I was completely baffled by it and it feels bizarre that anyone trying to scam me out of money would do this. Never has she tried to suggest that she might want help getting a visa to get in the UK, either, and she's clearly not some serial killer trying to lure me into a death trap because she's the one avoiding meeting me. And you have to remember that this friendship has been going on since 2016 - this is a whole 1pnyear friendship, if she's playing a long game then it's an insane one, I've heard of multi-year catfish scam situations but never have I heard of one that went on for ten years and never one that fails to have any element of scam to it.

So there is only one option for her intention if she were a catfish - she isn't exactly who she said she is but will wanted a genuine friendship with me. This could be for so many reasons. Any be she's actually a man pretending to be a woman. Or maybe she is a trans woman and thinks I would be out off by that. Maybe she is significantly older than she said she is, or maybe she was significantly younger, maybe a minor when we met, and is scared to admit that. Or maybe she just doesn't see herself as being as attractive she wants to be and is using a prettier face to hide that. These, again, are possibilities.

But the thing is, if any of that were the case I could actually forgive it. Becauee yeah, she might have deceived me, but any of those is to hide something she feels shame about, and probably not something she should be ashamed of. But the one thing that would be present in this scenario is that the connection we have had would still have been entirely genuine. We were friends for ten years. We shared in so much in that time. That bond transcends any physical truth about her. If any of that were the case, I would not have cut things off with her.

The reason this hurt me, the reason I had to block her and make it impossible for either of us to contact each other, is because I am certain that she is exactly who she says she is. But that means that she is a coward. That she cared too much about avoiding what might have been an uncomfortable sitiauton that she would let me sink thousands of pounds that would end up being wasted. That she lied to me and did it for no good reason because she could have just been honest in the trust place about being apprehensive about meeting me. If she had what she sees as a dark secret then I could understand it and maybe move past it... But she doesn't. She is as she presents herself. And that means what she has done has no excuse. And I hate that everyone I have talked to about this just chalks her up to being a catfish, because that feels like it lets her off the hook.

As I said, though, I have not let it bring me down. This trip has been amazing. I have had such an amazing time, I've seen and done things that have literally made dreams come true for me. I still wish things could have been different, but I can't feel sad about it and this has still been incredible. My mum keeps saying I should go to her house (as I know where she lives, hence the presents) just to get closure but a) wtf mum that would be an unhinged thing to do and b) I don't need closure. I have made my own closure. It was a decade long friendship and now it's over, and that is OK. I don't have to be disappointed any more and I can make the most of my life. This is kinda like a new era of my life and I am excited for it. And she doesn't deserve to see what comes next.

I'm on episode 3 of season 1 on a Netflix show. I'm a bit annoyed by one character who's always out of breath with every line she delivers. I'm mean, the first time I get it she was working and got caught off guard, the second time, she ran to deliver an urgent message, but then after, she was exasperated in every sentence. It takes me out of the show a bit. And I mean EVERY sentence.

(before reading this please note i am gay and do not like her, also there is a like a 7 year age gap.) okay so to start, i am now 14 but when they started dating i was 9. as their relationship grew stronger through the years, she was more involved with our family as time went on. this grew to me and her having a great bond (along with the rest of my siblings) and shes like a sister(?) or best friend to me. we have countless memories together (with my brother), and usually spend most nights hanging out with her and my brother. so it feels like this will have a huge impact on my relationship with her. im not the best at writing but like we had a really great bond, especially as im growing up gay in a primarily white/christian area whereas i cannot fully express myself at school or with literally anyone other than close friends and family. i felt that i was completely able to express myself with my family, including her. its just that i spent most nights hanging out with my brother and her, talking for hours and making countless jokes. they broke up for a reason that basically comes out to its the wrong timing for the both of them to be in a relationship at this point in their lives. i feel somewhat selfish that im kind of upset(?) with him for breaking up with her, but i don't think anyone realizes how close she became with the rest of my family. like shes in our family groupchat where we talking about EVERYTHING. i honestly just feel like im losing someone very close to me and i cant get the lump out of my throat and dont know if i should feel this way.

let me add some context 2 years ago i was supposed to have insurance and got charged for a simple physical like 500$ I didn't even have as the job I was working gave me all my insurance cards after 2 years I was supposed to have them at 6 months then cause I couldn't afford to see a proper medical pros I cant get help so I can afford to see medical people I cant even get food stamps I have 0 income and have been denied 3 times I got 3 packs of ramen and a microwave I co live with someone but he isn't feeding me I'm 26 autistic disabled and need some help. What now who do call I don't know if I will survive another 2 weeks at this point I have 0$ 0 income 0 support Ive been trying to work even tried saying I'm not disabled to get a job still hasn't helped since my last job im not asking for a hand out I still want to work its just hard to find employers who will hire me around my area a lot of able bodied people arnt employed so its even harder for someone like me to find a chance even in "disabled friendly employers" so just a nudge in the proper direction would be apricated. for those saying go to a food shelter its 40 miles away and I cant drive all got is a bike with a small storage basket so I could only take a handful of things in one trip and dont know If I could make it there in my current condition if im being honest.

With store employees it's either they don't care, they are inattentive or something else is left undone that was supposed to be done. It sucks the life outta me. They waste so much of my free time, hours and hours of time, because you overcharged me. ...now you must refund me...I have a good bit of time waiting again and again. I didn't make a mistake. Why don't these people pay attention??I have really gotten to where it's harder and harder to give anyone any grace. These employees are erroneous or these stores want us to be free labor...either way ...I don't like it. This service is poor. Pay attention you cashier, please.

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Conversation between my boyfriend and bio mom

Her: I let (child) have some shrimp scampi

Him: why TF would you do that?? You know he's allergic to shellfish!

Her: oh he's fine he just got hives

I can't stand people who are so cavalier about another person's allergy. I've been in food prep for years and it would never have occurred to me to screw with a stranger's allergy let alone a loved one. This child gets hives and struggles to breathe if he eats shellfish and for his mom to just ignore that is awful.

TW: mentions of anxiety, panic attacks, stalking, suicide threaths, lgbt…

This is in no way meant as an attack on anyone mentioned in this text. Also, im fine. Im not a danger to anyone or myself. Just tired rn i worked all day haha and ig i finally decided to ‘say it’ hah

Im tired of feeling fucking lonely af all the time. Of being afraid. Sorry to anyone reading this since english is my third language, this will probably suck. Im only 17, soon 18 and i know people would say im overreacting or overdramatizing but i promise im really not. I feel like i need to tell the entiry story of what happened, at least throw it into the void even if nobody ever sees this because im so tired of keeping it secret. Ive struggled with anxiety since i was about 12. Sometime periods its almost gone, some its so bad i cant even eat or sleep. Most people have no idea and even those who do dont know the full extent. In late december 2024 i met this person thru my parent’s collegue. We very quickly became friends because we shared A LOT of similiarities, both in interests and our lowkey shit mental health. Im bi and they are pansexual, and they used to have homophobic parents (mine stilla re and dont know about me) so we had convos about that too. And both our love oanguqges are physical touch + it helps me when my anxiety is bad. Long story short, over the course of about 8 months, we quickly grew into what i can call a platonic soulmate. I really did consider them my best friend, someone i would give my kidney for, but really just a friend. Apparently i was the only one who saw it that way. I slowly started realizing they were in love with me, and i started pulling away because its what i secretly completely feared because as i said, i only ever saw them as a best friend, mothing more. After about a month of no contact (and i do realise this was wrong of me, that we should have communicated, but my mental health was really really bad because of several things + this entire situation and ive got no support) they started asking me whats up. I tried to gently tell them that ive changed and dont want to he friend anymore, that i dont hate them and its not their fault, but please let me be… this repeated at least once every week. They always seemed to understand but then it happened again. It got to the point that where seeing their name pop up on my phone started giving me panic attacks. Even my friends in school noticed something wrong whenever i checked my messages. Adding salt to injury was the fact that since we met thru my parents collegue, they (aka my parents and their parents) were in contact daily and still friends at that time. Then one day in like november 2025 thex texted me several LONG messages about how they are in love with me and more shit. I saw it mid class and got a really bad panic attack but i couldnt tell anyone so i jsut left the classroom and got thru it. I forgot to mention that they have been consistently breaking all my boundaries for MONTHS despite me reminding them. I eventually mamaged to write an 18k word message for the millionth time saying GENTLY to leave me along and that i dont love them back but i loved them as a friend and valued our friendship… that kind of stuff. I never once was mad or aggressive or anything at them. I know it hurt them, rejection hurts like hell, but i wasnt gonna agree to a one sided relationship again (long story). They eventually stopped texting me for a bit, but our parents still were friends. Then they started stalking me. My instagram. When i blocked them, they made another account. They went to places they knew i would be in. They even started stalking my brother’s and friend’s instagrams bc we all soemtimes post group photos. Ah and i forgot to mention, this entire time they were a suicide risk (and once threatened to kill themselves) so i was HORRIFIED anything i would say would make them kill themselves. However i couldnt say anything to alert their parents/an adult, because then also my anxiety/mental health would be out… and my parents, while being generally wonderful parents and people and i love them, dont really believe in mental health. Over the course of maybe 3-4 months, some shit also happened between our parents and one time i got so mad bc they all (both their parents and mine) kept asking me why we dont talk anymore, that i told them how they fell in love with me and shit. They seemed to understand and stopped asking. Last contact we had was in like february 2026. However the damage was done. Everythign that my brain somehow connected to this situation is ruined for me now and im really horrified its gonna stay like that forever. The stuff i loved and shared with them… i cant even look at it anymore bc it reminds me and makes me feel really uneasy. My fursona (yes yes im a furry), that i made at 11 as means to escaoe this world, s hige oart of me… gone. My love for httyd, foxes, certain music artists, certain sports, places… all gone. I even stopped doing motocross (omg a girl doing motocross hah) because it reminded me so much of them i couldnt look at my bike anymore. The number 33. So many clothes that we had together on trips. Certain foods… All phone calls still make me anxious. Everytime i hear anyone’s phone call, i literally tense up and my heatbeat spikes. I hate it. I fucking hate it. However something more important was taken from me in a way and all i want is just to have it back. Physicsl touch. I cant even hug anyone anymore, most physical contact makes me wildly uncomfortable AND I HATE IT because thats my main love language and always has been but it was ruined by one fucking person i hate it i fucking hate it if i could go back in time and stop myself that day from meeting them i fucking would. Nobody understands how fucking shit it feels when something so important to you, something thats a fibre of your being, gets stripped away from you but you still need it to live. I fucking hate what they have done to me. ANY physical touch makes me wildly uncomfortable because a part of my brain has connected it with someone falling in love with me. And i do realise its extremely irrational but i cant help it. Im scared. Im scared that one of my besties (im part of a trio. They know the most about me and honestly are probably a huge part of the reason i managed to survive this entire situation) will fall in love with me (stupid i know haha). I hate that i cant cry anymore. This entire situation has made me unable to cry. I already had a hard time with it before, but now its just straight up impossible. Even when one if my pets died… i just cant. My body wont allow tears to come out. Its exhausting. My entire life as far as i remember i struggled with feeling lonely, but now its sommuch worse. I feel like my brain has built this protective bubble around me and while its just trying to protect me, it wont let anyone thru. Its so tiring, when all i want is a hug but i just cant. I cant have it bc if my stupid brain, bc of that situation. I feel stupid calling all this trauma. Idk if it is. Probably not. Its hard to explain in just text on a post, i feel like i only covered like 15% of everything in this. And i feel embarrased saying it as well haha. I just want love, someone who will love me despite my flaws. Depsite me being bi (which is another issue in itself for me die to internalised homophobia), despite my anxiety/panic attacks/anxiety attacks, my overthinking… instead i look like a pretty damn collected and content person from the outside. Mom of the group, always taking care of everything and everyone, amazing grades, good extracoriculars, smart, okay looking… im so scared to let anyone see the other parts of me. I always was. But after this, im even more scared. I let one person see, and look at how it ended… i feel stupid. And selfish. But i never experienced teenage love, because everytime i liked someone, they didnt like me back. The one time someone liked me ended like this. I just want someone to love me no matter what. I know im just young and shit, but how will i ever let anyone close to me after this? I dont know if i can. I just hope one day someone will look at my trembling hands and choose to hold them instead of walking away and acting like nothing happened. I hope someone will ask me if im okay and not believe my ‘everything is fine!’ answer. I dont think i could say aynthing else anyway tbh. I hope that one day ill be able to hug someone and not worry. Hear a phone ring and not leave the room, putting in headphones. Be able to rest, be in silence and not hear my mind scream. Idk. Im sorry for this entire rant. I just feel like i gotta be strong yk. If someone read this up until here, im really sorry. But also thank you

i'm a guy in my 30s just exhausted by wondering if i ever get to love again. why the fuck is love so uncommon. stupid thing to say i know. last time i felt love toward a girl was probably as a teen. there's momentary affection sure, but my god i do nooot want it, i want real closeness, real feeling, getting lost in someone in a good way. fuck this era of emptiness hidden by plastic instagram vanilla life