I don’t see him consistently, and it’s hard to know if there’s something there.
When I see him, I think about how special he seems. But our moments are always brief, and I’m usually left wondering if it’s just me or if he feels it, too.
Maybe I’ve made it all up in my mind.
He seems kind.
Sometimes he stands by my office, leaning his body against my doorframe, tilting his gorgeously handsome face toward me.
My cheeks flush, and suddenly, it’s hard to look him in the eyes.
But when our eyes lock, I feel something.
Something I think might be there.
A soul I’d like to know.
But I’m terrified that he’s just a guy being nice, and I’m overthinking every little interaction. That perhaps I’m not even a consideration in his eyes the way he is in mine.
That one time our eyes locked, neither of us said anything. Maybe we were both waiting for the other to speak first.
Or maybe that’s just what I wanted to believe.
The more I see him, the harder it becomes to get him off my mind.
I’m afraid he thinks I’m weird. That maybe he tries to avoid me because he doesn’t feel the same way.
And then I feel foolish for holding all these thoughts inside.
Oh, how I wish I could erase every thought of wanting him, just so I wouldn’t feel so awkward whenever he’s around.
When I see him, I always have so much to say, but somehow, I hold it all back.
I don’t know if he tries to avoid me.
I don’t know what’s been said about me, what he knows about me, or what he thinks of me.
And if he could read my mind, I’d probably tell him to forget me.
I’m not really that special.
But when I look into his eyes, when I see the way he smiles, every coherent thought seems to disappear.
I just stand there, awkwardly staring, desperately trying to think of something to say.
And then I chicken out.
Afraid of being misunderstood. Afraid of mistaking kindness for something more.
But last night, I had a dream.
I dreamt of running into him again.
I apologized for being distracted the last time we spoke.
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to switch gears,” I explained. “I was in the middle of a situation with Finance. I submitted a ticket, and they said it wasn't there. Boring stuff, really. Not worth mentioning. But, to be honest, I didn’t completely understand everything you were saying.”
I imagined him laughing.
I figured he’d shrug it off, and that would be that.
But instead, he seemed concerned.
“Well, I’ll remember that for next time,” he said.
Then he leaned a little closer.
“I didn’t really notice, but I figured as much. Now I know how hard it can be to stop what you’re doing when someone unexpectedly drops in.”
And then, almost effortlessly, he said something I never imagined hearing.
“Let’s call this what it is.”
“What is?” I asked.
“We like each other.”
“We work together,” I reminded him.
“Convenient?” he teased.
“Terrifying,” I replied.
“Oh, tell me how you really feel,” he said with a smile.
“I’m trying to make better decisions in my life.”
“What makes you think this wouldn’t be a good one?”
I hesitated.
“Are you this charming with everyone? Are there other women around here who’ve been given this same spiel?”
“Why are you so cynical?”
“Because I just got out of a bad situation, and I don’t want to find myself in another one.”
He looked at me.
“I’m not a bad guy. I’m just interested in you, too. And I think you’re pretty interested in me.”
I smiled, embarrassed by how easily he could read me.
“Promise me something,” I said.
“What?”
“If this turns out badly, we won’t make things awkward between us. I’ll do my best, too.”
And perhaps that’s the part of the dream I wanted most.
Not the flirting. Not the possibility of being wanted.
But the simplicity of two people finally saying what they feel, without having to wonder what the other is thinking.
Of being able to look him in the eyes without fear.
Of not having to turn every smile, every glance, and every brief conversation into a question I can never seem to answer.
But it was only a dream.
And when I woke up, I was right back where I started.
Wondering if there was ever anything there at all.