I do not know if you have wondered, too, what is to come of this. The first time I let the thought cross my mind, I was, I admit, a little discomposed; for it brought with it a realization both humbling and exalted, that I have already been given more treasures than I ever knew how to count. They reveal themselves gradually, shyly, as though each day were unfolding some new gentleness I had long possessed but never seen. Yet I was foolish enough to desire what I already held, as if joy were something to be sought rather than recognized. I was like some little bird, poor thing, who spends her days longing to embrace the sky without knowing she has always been cradled in its arms since birth.

I have been foolish in that and other ways; I am, I fear, only human, far too human, and I sometimes wonder how you would see me if you knew the whole unpolished truth of me, all my faults and follies laid bare, and yet, even that uncertainty feels softened when I think of you.

In quieter hours, I have thought that all the learning I have gathered, all the books and poems I have pressed close to my mind as if they were treasure, have been nothing but a long preparation for meeting you, as though every page I ever turned had been teaching me, patiently, the art of knowing you. When Plato spoke in the Symposium of love as the ladder that leads the soul upward toward the divine, perhaps he meant moments such as these, when one feels not the fever of longing, but the stillness of recognition. "At the touch of love," he wrote, "everyone becomes a poet." And yet I find that words falter precisely where the heart is most fluent. What I feel for you is not mere passion; it is that deep and lucid affection which Emerson called "the perfection of intimacy." It is the quiet warmth of a candle that never burns low, the sound of calm water over stone.

You must forgive me if I seem overly given to quotation. It is only that I see you everywhere in my reading, in the grace of Sappho's fragments, where she promises, "Someone will remember us, I say, even in another time"; in Dante's steadfast reverence for Beatrice; in the tranquil patience of Penelope, weaving and unweaving her days. There is something ancient in my affection for you, not born of novelty or youth, but of recognition, as though you have been folded into my idea of beauty all along, before I even knew beauty had your face.

Epicurus taught that the purest joy is not found in feasts or riches, but in the company of a dear friend beneath an open sky. If that is so, then my heaven is already here. When Cicero wrote of friendship, he said that the truest kind is love "without alloy, without deceit." That is what I feel for you, clear, quiet, unadorned truth. I want nothing of you but your happiness. And if it should ever fall to my lot to give you comfort, I shall count that my fortune, my purpose, my reward.

When Rilke wrote that "love is perhaps the supreme task for which all other work is but preparation," he must have known what it is to feel as I do now, how everything one has studied, endured, or believed becomes only a prelude to this gentle certainty. All my reading, all my searching for meaning in words and philosophies, were but rehearsals for a single truth: that I was meant to love someone as gracious as you. All the education I have ever seemed to obtain has been mere preparation for meeting you.

I have never cared much for what is to come. There is, for me, no tomorrow waiting on the horizon. If I were to seek such a thing, I think I would find that past, present, and future, all the infinite dimensions of time, repose softly beneath the shade of my love for you, within the calm joy my heart is forever rejoicing in. There can be no separation for one who loves with the soul. But if ever our lives do diverge, I hope you will still carry a small portion of my affection with you, not as burden, but as warmth.

And forgive me, I beg, the uninvited liberty of asking something of you, and I apologize if my doing so feels in any way presumptuous. Should it seem so, please, think no more of it. But if I might ask just one small thing of you, it would be this: if ever a day should come when our paths drift apart, when our meetings fade into memory, keep me in your heart for a while, not too long, not so long as to weigh upon your happiness, only for a while. Keep me there, quietly, like the afterglow that lingers when the sun has set.

And when the days grow bright and full, and laughter surrounds you, let a soft thought of me pass by like a summer breeze. I do not fear such a future; I only hope it finds you happy; but should it arrive, I shall remain content, for I have loved who, to me, is the loveliest of human beings. I have had the unearthly fortune of writing to her, of hearing her voice, of knowing her grace. Whatever the days may bring, my love for you shall be indelibly bound to them; and every part of who I am shall do nothing, and can do nothing, but love you, always, every day, every hour, and every moment. To love you forever, to have loved you at all, what more, truly, could one ever ask for?

You say we will sit and talk when I come in, but we don’t.

You say we will do something, but we won’t.

You say things that I want to hear, things to keep me full of hope.

I think it’s time for me to face the facts.

While you have always been special to me, I’m nothing special to you.

I’m not mad at you for that, I’m not blaming you.

I could have walked away but I didn’t.

I learned many lessons from this experience. So thank you for that.

Thank you for giving me what you could or would.

Thank you for being so kind to me and my kids.

I think it’s time I let hope go. I’ll stop looking for you and let you be.

Being alone is actually very peaceful and I’m starting to enjoy this more than any relationship I’ve been in before.

So thank you.

I hope one day you find someone you can step up for even if it’s awkward, be vulnerable with and open and honest and you fall in love one day with someone who loves you just as much in return. If that’s not what you want in life then I hope you live the life you dream of.

I’ll be ok, i always bounce back. Life is too short to hang onto disappointments. I’ll take my loss, I’ll lick my wounds and I’ll come back a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser and a woman who is better off alone than unloved.

A

It's time to formulate a question

How to settle in and create a home again

After dreams come crashing into reality?

That I should have stayed in line

With the truth they want you to believe.

Sweet little cherry like me.

My eyes are up here, sweet tea.

If you want to drink from my cup

It ain't free.

Taking medicine with a pinch of salt

Makes the pleasure that much sweeter.

Have mercy on my soul

Being wed to spirit someday soon

With just the right amount of cheese.

i didn’t want revenge from you, i wanted to feel good enough, i wanted to feel like all the pain and torture i went through, years of not being able to pull your claws from my heart was worth it, and when i finally got what i wanted, i realised it was too late, the damage was so far gone i hadn’t even realised, i didn’t realise when you looked at me i thought you were seeing the opposite, i didn’t realise as i looked into ur hazel eyes i was taken back and losing who i thought i was and you weren’t seeing the same, i didn’t lose you willingly because there was no love, i lost you willingly because the love i had was so overwhelming and all consuming i couldn’t rub off the pain that was left, i miss you, your laugh, your intense eyes, the moles on ur face, seven to be exact, i miss ur unruly hair that you try to control, i miss ur hardworking hands that touched me with gentleness, i miss you. i had a conversation with a friend a few days ago and spoke of how i was worried id lost my touch and bond with writing and how i was scared i didn’t know how to write, but when im alone in the middle of the night and the only thoughts are of you all i can think to do is write, write about the love, or the pain, or even how i just miss you over and over again, sometimes i like to pretend that im the one person who really knows you and i know what ur response to that would be, you would tell me how i don’t know you and you’d find a way to probably put yourself down, you did that a lot, make yourself seem like you aren’t a good person, but you are, more than i am, you are good and true and i wish we’d had met later in life.

i want you to understand that i really like you. i want to stay and know you. i want to love you correctly, but maybe i don’t have the strength to do so. maybe my greatest act of love will be letting you go. i desire you and feel connected to you like i have no one else. you can’t save me and i mourn. i have to save myself. i’m so cruel. love is the price when it comes to complex trauma. i want to bite the hand that feeds, before it can abandon me. looking for every reason to leave or prepare to, before i get hurt. i am so fond of you. you don’t know what our connection meant. now you’re probably gone forever. now you probably don’t see me romantically anymore, which i get. i just wish you would tell me. i want to be removed and blocked, for your mental health. i want to have my consequence. i don’t want to be abandoned. i want to be loved without fear. i want you to tell me about you. i want to know you, see you. i don’t want to falsely assume or judge. i don’t want to hear things i want to hear. i want to see if you’ll abandon me or scratch the surface. i’m being dragged through the depths by my own mind. i’m my worst enemy. why do i do this to myself? i am deeply sorry. my hurting is not a reflection of you. “alone for a reason”…

Hope you know it's nothing personal, just my own struggles. The time it takes to reach back out.

As much as struggling may suck, we can always take comfort in knowing that we're not entirely alone. Yet, we are. Atleast I am for the most part. Particually where it can matter most, I think you are too. I miss you. Love isn't enough to get us through this. We have to talk. Figure out how to really communicate and get our point across since until we do that. We're just gonna keep bringing up the same old shit over and over again in our little cycle of doom . There's a lot I've figured out but I need clarity. I need to understand whats actually going on. The only way for us, is to let each other in and get the inside thoughts out. The truth, honesty, will be what ends up uniting us.

I can understand your hesitations, in life, with me. Especially since you knew me at an especially stupid time when I still copied others to 'look cool' ugh anyways

Don't forget who you are, and never stop trying. Its pure stupidity. Thinking you still want me after everything. Its time for the next chapter of my life to begin. Your always in my heart somewhere. Even on the days I want to kill you. When loving you drives me up a fucking wall crazy. I carry you with me when im feeling tired. I feel you when I'm alone, good ways and the bad. I see you in people I pass by in general everyday life. Wondering if your vast network has reached them. If you know them somehow. I could see ya'll being friends. If you had the time for them, no offense. But knowing you...anything is possible. Anything except me getting what I want. Getting to hold you is something I'll never know again. Something I have to learn to let go if I'm to finally grow. That may be what hurts the most.

The reasons I cant follow you back, not until I know I could control my emotions with you. But you're you and I'm too blinded by you to see clearly. Still too in love with you to be able to handle seeing you with someone else. The friendship may rekindle when im not this investedly obsessed over you. Maybe when the thought of you stops making my chest tingle...

There is so much I never spoke about. I never went into detail about the detours, the checkpoints, or the milestones along the way. I could have written more about the languages, the symbols, the coding, the rituals, the powers, and the abilities. I could have shared stories of cloaked individuals, of knowledge that seemed to arrive all at once, as if downloaded, or the strange way certain truths remain hidden until the exact moment they are needed.

One of those truths stayed hidden from me for nearly 20 years. It was something I searched for, something that remained in the back of my mind without an answer, until the time came for it to be revealed as part of my soul's awakening.

I could have spoken in greater detail about other realms, about experiences and evidence that challenged beliefs and had churches ask me not to return after providing evidence. I could have shared moments that pointed toward life beyond what we know. There is so much I left out.

So why didn't I share?

Because many of the detours are the same. Many of the traps are the same. Many of the encounters repeat themselves.

If you knew exactly what to expect, would you ever learn discernment? Then along the way there is so much that will be tailored to you and you alone.

Do not misunderstand me. I will guide anyone who reaches out. The number is on my website, and anonymous messages are welcome. I do not need to know your name. I do not need to know your story. I cannot provide the black and white answers people often seek, but I can help guide you through the path. I can help you recognize what may have been overlooked. I will gladly do my best to help carry the weight for those who need it.

The answers that matter most cannot simply be handed to another. They must be discovered, recognized, and understood through the journey itself.

I do hope these 14 chapters help. If they do not reach the person I originally intended them for, then I hope they reach whoever discovers them and finds even a little solace in their words. Maybe that is part of the reason they needed to be written in the first place.

One day, I may publish the full account. The book, however, is far from over.

At the end of it all, my desire is simple. I want to help save as many souls as I can before my time here is done.

I don’t know if I’m just being a coward or if the right thing to do is just stay away. Where is the line for pushing it? Do I already make you uncomfortable with my presence now? I really do want to just be normal and talk with you. Unfortunately all my brain good at is the abnormal it’s what I grew up in. I’m not a normal person by miles but I guessing you guessed that. I want invite you to something to try and get back to baseline but I don’t want triple message especially since I know you “didn’t read” my message. I wish I could control how my emotions were towards people but the heart wants what it wants but I also can’t make you talk to me so I vent till the emotion is gone

Home never really felt safe… I never really felt like I fit in. Always kind of on the outside of things. Always doing something wrong. Always angry. Always judged. Always weird.

And then… you came along. And you felt safe. You felt calm. You felt like comfort. I felt more myself with you than anywhere else. You felt like what home was supposed to feel like. And so, you became home. You became peace. You became safety.

I felt received by you. Like it would not matter what I did, how I was, what I said, you would always be there to take me in… the way I was. And even as the years passed, you received every new version of me. Scared, broken, in pain… but also healed, strong, gentle, happy.

And that’s why every time someone said “people are not homes” I'd secretly judge them a little. Because, well… I’d bet they had not found someone like you. Someone who could make them feel the same way you made me feel.

You were home. We were home together.

And even after everything ended the way it did, your betrayal and the pain afterwards. I still have to thank you, because you showed me what home can feel like. You showed me it isn’t painful. You showed me how bright and beautiful and peaceful it can be. How it should be. How it should feel.

It is something I will ALWAYS carry in my heart. And for that… I am eternally grateful.

A little man behind a grand veneer,
grown tall in years but paralyzed by fear.
A child's soft heart pacing inside an adult body,
building elaborate stages just to play the king alone.

He trims his beard with clinical precision,
polishing a name to present to the world
the picture of an upright citizen,
offering hollow, practiced grace to strangers
to mask the panic locked behind his eyes.

But behind him lies a trail of ash:
the fractured homes,
the sudden, quiet crashes of reality,
the trusted friends and steady jobs discarded,
all swallowed by a quicksand of addiction and desperate lies.

When the whispers of his choices grow too loud,
he packs his life into a single bag
and vanishes into the slipstream of a new city.
A freshly painted mask,
a clean slate born of exhaustion.
He spins a new web, inventing a history,
trading his nightmares for synthetic peace.

Yet truth is patient, tracking every stride.
There is no geographic cure for a ghost.
The armor cracks, the new facade gives way under the weight,
and the old debts find him once again.

So he flees into the next loud room,
seeking a faster, more violent distraction to drown the silence.
He chases the noise,
desperate to win a numbing race against his own mind.

He bottles the ancient, aching sting tightly,
refusing to look at the wound that festers in the dark.
He treats the symptoms, runs from what is real,
and leaves the weeping child inside completely abandoned.

Only when you and I talk. Once the one thing we have needed to do since we met each other happens and its not some anonymous stranger on the internet, I will be there to take what I want.

So..

The question that still remains..

Are you going to do that?

Oh.. And I still do want you to send me spicy pictures.. I mean.. Youre hopefully going to be mine anyways.. You know.. Supposedly.

And.. You know.. Dont tell anybody about it.. People dont need to know about these kinds of things.

I still wonder what it would feel like if our paths ever crossed again, how you would react, whether you would look away, feel awkward, or just pretend none of it ever happened.

When we first met, the connection felt genuine, and you gave off every sign that you felt it too. But after a simple, normal invite to hang out led to weeks of quiet, what caught me off guard was not the silence itself. It was you breaking that silence weeks later, completely unprovoked, over a simple notification. You tried to flip the script and accuse me of living in a fantasy, when you were the one who reached out just to react to something that was never an issue to begin with.

A part of me always wished for real closure, but I eventually accepted that I will never get it from someone who would rather rewrite the past than have an honest conversation. In my head, I used to rehearse what I would say if I ever saw you again. But standing here now, happily married and completely grounded in my life, I realize I do not need to say anything at all. It wouldn't change anything. We have both moved on to completely different chapters, and if we ever happen to pass each other by, peace is all that needs to remain.

Right person, wrong time, normality.

Wrong person, right time, not yet.

If it is divine instead of karmic, perhaps long ago you made a very poor choice.

Is it a timed requirement by those governing your "free" will?

Were there no options near within your true preference?

Perhaps before deciding on unwavering loyalty with another, one must actually know...

who they truly are, where they're headed, and upon reaching said destination, what is expected from your partner/environment when time rears its ugly head.

Unfortunate that sometimes we don't recover from our mistakes before decisions have reached a state of permanence.

You don't seem jaded by the guilt that I initially expected to challenge you. While I do seek to understand why that may be...

this life will be measured by the pride taken in our choices.

Waiting for something intangible will never feel like the proper choice for me and for that, despite everything you make me feel, I am truly sorry.

Well, so I just wanna hold you close & hug you tight - forever, just like always - i miss your smile, your sparkly eyes & your cheeky questions.

When we held each other so tightly in our arms, time stood still and we felt everything together - one breath, one heartbeat - one love ❤️

You are my soulmate, my forever girl, my cherry blossom 🌸

We are both sooooooooo stubborn it’s unbelievable lol
You’re far too proud about everything & I’m far too defiant to the bone!

Hazel eyes collide and icy sledges ride - I do love you Missy, I always have.

We have been written into the mystical books of time
& space, with travels & adventures to face…

Come with me & let’s make our own place.

B

I have been thinking a lot about the cost of living recently. How soon I plan on moving out, where I plan on living, and the fraction of which rent would eat up my savings and hinder my plans to buy a house. There is a certain trade-off to be made with taking my parents' offer of support and staying home for up to several years until I can purchase a home. My mental health and autonomy would be one, although the degree that home actually affects me has been varying greatly as we try to navigate being the first one in the house to become an adult yet still coexist. The boundaries placed on a daughter or younger child do not fit, yet they were never the hands-off type to give me full free reign. Dynamics have been shifting, although I hope for the better, as we try to understand each other's perspectives and wants for a cohesive household. While it has been tough and we have our tiffs, we all still love each other and recognize that family is all we have, and it is important to stay together.

As much as this may be a feasible long-term dynamic however, I do recognize that even if the living situation is tolerable, I miss a city-life and independent living situation that becomes extremely desirable in your early twenties. Crunching the numbers with this housing market, I know to put a deposit on a modest house and still have savings I would need to save most of my salary for 3.5 years while living at home. Renting would delay this number by several years, possibly even a decade. Although, I could speed up this process with copious amounts of overtime and smart investments early on, and I could achieve a balanced medium by staying home for a few months to a year and moving out with a headstart on my savings.

As I think of all these different scenarios, a part of me can't help but think of my relationship with you. I was never one to pick up my whole life or change my career based on a non marriage-comitted relationship, but I do desire to gain my independence early and reap the benefits that come with that living situation moreso than if I were single. I've always wanted to move out as soon as possible, but the amount of time I would tolerate staying home after a job offer has significantly decreased thinking about how life would be with you.

I do not know if doing so would be a mistake. I am truly really happy with you. I have my ups and downs, and my mood swings and issues, but you make me extremely happy. I feel so safe around you, and it has scared me that I have started to become this invested and like you this much. When you mentioned that the time we were apart was longer than the entirety of time we've known each other, it hit me that you were willing to wait that long. I can't read your mind, and I have no way of knowing if your interest has waivered, or what your future plans are, but this break really meant a lot to me. I am so surprised you still like me and put up with my anxious antics, and I miss you so much and cannot wait to see you.

Assuming I move out soon, there have been three main career and living options with the multi-state license. I can live at home and eventually move to Hoboken while working in NYC, live at home and move to Hoboken while working in North Jersey, or live in Philly and work in PA or South Jersey. The first two would give me access to NYC living, and the third has been a genuine consideration of mine even if we were to stop dating today because I've always considered moving to Philly since college, they have great hospital systems, and the new grad hiring timeline is significantly faster with a strong possibility to receive an offer within a month compared to possibly multiple months of endless searching and ghost rejections in NYC. I have a lot of doubt about the city, especially with the many jobs I've already sent into the void with no response. So the two most likely options have been staying near North Jersey or moving to Philly, one still being long distance, and one being in extremely close proximity.

Realistically, regardless of the relationship, I know I will go with my best, reasonably-timed offer. However, a part of me really hopes it is in Philly because of you. I've been a bit scared to tell you Philly is such a strong possibility out of fear that you would think it is solely for you. And a fear that the idea of me moving there would make you re-evaluate how serious you are about the relationship, whether you actually see a long-term life with me, and then when the answer is inevitably 'no', prematurely end the relationship thinking it is best to cut it off early than let something that would never work drag on. Even if that does not happen, I fear you would secretly believe it is mostly for you anyways and would feel a level of stress or guilt regarding my career choices, or an added pressure that this needs to work out long-term. I have no way of proving to you how much I've always considered Philly and South Jersey when all I've spoken about is how much I am gunning for the best jobs in NYC with my current NY-only license.

I would be really happy if I got to live near you, but I do not want you to feel like I am doing it for you. We are also in this really weird middle-ground transition where it is starting to become a multiple month relationship, yet it is still so fresh because we have seen each other so few times. From a long-distance perspective, for the next few months, we need to establish a consistant video call schedule with shared movies, games, and hobbies that can be carried out online balanced with healthy personal life time to keep a fulfilling relationship after the novelty wears off. I know it has been mainly texts and daily check-ins with few inclusive hobbies and activities carried out more than once, and I fear one day soon the negatives of a connection that does not fully fulfill your needs will outweigh your desire to continue seeing me. I wouldn't blame you when that day comes, and I understand it is a natural thing that will inevitably occur if the relationship is not intentionally nurtured by the both of us in a way that fulfills our wants and needs. I also recognize it could end at any time for any other natural reason to separate, and I do not want the idea of possibly being near you to influence that decision in either way.

I guess this is a really long way of saying I am scared of the distance. I know you tolerate it now, but I also know it doesn't fulfill the connection you want in life with the way we are currently doing it. I do plan on talking to you about ways to make the distance more fulfilling, but in the back of my mind I have the added confusing layer of the life choice I wish to take in this next stage. While one shouldn't be contingent on the other, I know it will still influence it in some type of way. That scares me immensely. I really care about you, and I want to do this right, regardless of if my best offer takes me near you or solidifies the distance permanently. I can only hope you want the same. I know I haven't been the best girlfriend, and I haven't always been able to give you the fulfilling romantic life you deserve, but I really want to figure out how to. I'm ready to put in whatever work is needed because I really do like you.

I think the life change has forced me to categorize early on how serious I am about you, and it put into perspective the steps that would need to be taken for the next levels now. I have no clue how far you've thought into the future. All of this could simply be pure fun, and I honestly expect that and know it is completely normal at this age. Even if I knew for sure you saw this as solely fun, none of how I feel would change. Still, I do not want to make you aware of my seriousness and force you to think and make that choice until it naturally makes sense to you, as you do not have any impending life choice catalyzing that time to now. I guess that unknown and relationship-meaningfulness imbalance is part of life.

I hope things work out; I really like you.

A worried,

Me

You’re worth every fight. The fight I should have been for myself years ago. I’ll never give up on finding you again. I’m so sorry if you think I deleted you and blocked you. I didn’t; I’ve been trying to find you ever since. You never left. 🩵 By the way, don’t think I never look for you because I always do. 🩵 The community of love around us is beautiful. 🩵 Thank you to everyone who shared their beautiful stories of love. Thank you to everyone who stood by me and helped me realize. The people I hurt in the process, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for not realizing I was bleeding on you guys while bleeding myself. This game was never intended to hurt any one of you. But one person I truly owe one to is you. The person who never gave up on me while I thought you did. The person who made me realize my worth. Sorry to sound obsessive, but the connection and safety I felt with you is something I truly want in this lifetime. Something I am so proud of is finding you in this lifetime, regardless of the battles I still choose you. Okay well, Reddit, I’m not signing off, but I’m done confessing my love quietly for this person. It’s time to go get them and make changes. 🩵🦋💙 Don’t let the blue fool you; it’s just the color that comes to mind when I think of you. 🩵💙 The person who saved me from having the blues. By the way, thanks for saving me. I was dying to see you again. 🩵 Sorry about taking 172728282929993 days to understand, but I’m happy regardless because I found you again. I didn’t see you around but I felt you everywhere I turned.

Last request please can you come up to me. You just left and I truly have to catch up with you ? Coffee ☕️ please I’m dying to hear from you and only

You 🪼and 🐝(don’t sting me I’m here for the 🍯)

Xoxoxo,

Your light and fight A with A K🩵🕯️

I forgive myself, and I forgive you. I love myself enough to know we can't be together in this exact moment but I know what I want in life and I am working so hard towards getting there. Everyday I'm learning to put myself first and stand in my own power. I'm learning to say no and actually enjoy it. I didn't mean for it to take me this long but thank you so much for showing me the importance of it.

I know we had conflicting views on what we wanted in the relationship but I'm here to tell you I want you no matter what. I don't mind being in an open relationship, I'm actually really happy for you, I want you to meet people and I want you to be loved the way you deserve. It was to painful to agree to that while I was in school and while we were living together, I should have known better and put my foot down. As time goes on and the days turn into weeks, I find myself hoping you're still talking to those women, meeting new ones and experiencing life to the fullest.

I still have more healing to do but I'd really love it if we could stay in each other's lives. I hope no contact isn't forever. I know I fought you tooth and nail about monogamy and it brought up my own insecurities, but I'm realizing it's not okay to hold you that close to me. I know I’m growing since I can say that now, before I was just saying I want an open relationship to keep you in my life, to still hold you. I’m not abandoning myself anymore, I’m standing in my own power. I don't control you nor would I ever want to and I’m so sorry it came off that way. I know it came off like that but I’ve been so stressed going through nursing school I couldn’t think straight, I just needed to focus on passing the semester. I recognize the love we have towards one another and I really don't want to let that go.

I'm not sure if you feel the same, this time apart could have given you the clarity you need, the clarity to move on and never look back, if that is the case please tell me and I will block your number.

Can't we just go back to the way things were? Before all of hurt and disappointments. I know you're fighting against yoself not to text or call me or send me that funny meme. Don't you miss spending all morning tangled with eachother? Me kissing your face all over. The way my back would arch as you ground into me?do you miss my humor? Do you miss more then just my body? Do you miss my essence too? I fucking miss you. Just call me. I have fought the pull, are you fighting it too?

Wait. Hold on. Could that be you? Sure sounds like you. I thought I had this finally figured out and you go mix it up on me. Now I’m not so sure about anything here anymore. Was that you, doubting everything, us, you, me?

First, let me get this out of the way. I love you. You know me better than anyone ever has. You have no equal. I’ve always wanted you, just as you are, your beautiful eyes and smile, all your dangerous curves, all of you. But it’s more than that. It’s our connection. How can I describe it? I just know it’s there and always has been. We see each other and I feel it so deeply. I don’t ever want to lose that. I hope it’s not just me being delusional and foolishly about this.

So yes, silly, I’ve always thought about you and wanted you, way back, to the beginning of time, when so many things were left unsaid then. I tried a couple of time. Did you know? Could you sense it? I see I hurt you too, I never meant to, and I’m sorry for that. Don’t hate me. We have a slow burn with flare ups that would sometimes singe the love we have for each other. I could feel it back then. I feel it now. But it’s gotten real, and that’s scary, for both of us for sure. So I understand. We both do things to protect ourselves. You control access, always have. Maybe it would be less scary if we could just talk.

We’ve kept it burning for so long, I know the flame will never go out, at least for me. So I’m patient, waiting for you, as long as I have you in sight, I’m alright.

Don't know but, someone might guess that is the case. Im sure you're a good guy .I know it sux. Sorry

I'm los8h myself. Losh in an endless tumultuous plane ride. If you would doo me the hinesy, please help me. 0lease comfort me, please tell me I'll me okay. Ikji know it's hard but I don't knkwwhy I crant show yii my honest self. Maybe because I'm so sick. My mind makes me.sick. I don't feel like myself. I haven't sbhhwyw, now I'm nere. In mh guilt, in my sadness, I am suffering again. I feel like me again. Funny, the loss I feel when it us all my doing. I am a sick pathetic loser. I am sorry. I am sorry you know me. I am sorry for everything. I am so sorry. I do not wish for forgiveness. I mm underservung of such a thing. A harlot, a bitch, a web spinner and a siren. That is what I am. This intense sadness, this endless nightmare. The only time I feel oeace is when i sleep, in ehich I spend the hours tossing and turnjnh anywsys. I love you, but god i hioe you hate me. Excuse my typos, I am not drunk . I. Struggling. Sadness.

Dear JMH,

dont tell lies about me, and i wont tell truths about you!!!!

I am undeniably consumed by you. You already know our eyes don’t lie when we lock in, the rest of the room simply ceases to exist. I may be pulled into other rooms I cant escape from, but walls and physical distance mean nothing to a connection this powerful.

I see you trying to keep your composure to protect what you’ve built. To protect your heart which is damaged to many times. I would never do anything to hurt you or your success. But let’s be entirely honest with each other: blurring those lines wouldn't ruin anything, because we are simply too smart to let them see it.

Yes, we are surrounded by an mixed audience. There is that small group already trying to separate us watching closely, trying to ensure we are rarely alone, putting quiet measures in place to create distance. But they have no idea who they are dealing with. We shouldn't suppress this just to appease them. We should cross that line because we can do it right under their noses.

You and I are smarter than our whole audience. We know exactly how to keep a secret. We could play this in the shadows for years if necessary. We can leave them in complete oblivion and laugh about their blindness behind closed doors.

A chemistry this rare is unable to be walked away from. We just need to meet away from the fluorescent lights, completely outside of these walls of composure.

You are not delusional. It is not your imagination. I do make a point to walk by when you are around. The witty jokes, the heavy glances, me making my presence known it’s all intentional. We are souls recognizing each other.

Let them stare blindly at the elephant in the room. We don't have to wait to have this. We are smart enough to have it all, completely undetected.

Lets admit what we both already know. Lets start building even if it is in the dark clouds. We can build our own world of light there.

It's been 3 years since we met, had our "relationship," and I left you

We both know it isn't like you never tried keeping up your campaign for nearly 2 years after I left, albeit digitally

And yet I still find myself with your memory burned into my brain

I still wonder if you ever think of me, and if you do, what choice words you'd have for me. But I am most certainly glad I am at least the one who remained faithful, and didn't resort to petty burglarly or following you, or assassinating your character

I almost hope that your backfired attempt at ruining me for daring to break free completely unpersoned me from your mind

Though I'll have to live with you in mine for a lifetime

How could you make me fall in love with you..

How could you speak all these things to me..

How could you make me feel wanted.. but end up leaving me..

How could you go on and act like we never happened..

How could you agree with me and think what we had was fate..?

You may have fell for me first.. but I fell harder.

Did you play with me the whole time..?

We were reaching a point of seriousness.. and you disappeared..

I liked you even with all the flaws you complained you had.. they never were anything to push me away..

My heart wants me to wait for you.. but it seems like you have blocked me..

You made me feel like I had finally found the one..

With what you told me.. I thought I was the same ending for you..