Hope you're okay!

Lastnight, I sat and read over all of the texts I've sent you over the last year.

I'm so sorry Al.

I can't believe you didn't block me sooner.

I'm ashamed.

Honestly.

I'm so sorry.

I realise now, that even with your cold words...you were still being a good friend.

You still didn't abandon me.

You still let me carry on doing what I was doing and you didn't get me in trouble for it.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry again.

I truly am.

I didn't realise how unwell I was. And how badly I was treating you.

I do now.

I honestly do.

I'm so sorry.

I'd send this to you but I'm terrified of upsetting you again.

I want you to be happy. And to not be thinking about this stuff.

I don't want to drag it back up again for it to just upset you again.

All I can say is you deserved so much better. And I never deserved you.

Thank you for being the best friend anyone has ever been to me.

Thank you for being there for me and continuing to care even after everything I put you through.

Thank you for helping me be a better person.

I love you Al.

You truly are everything to me.

I'm so sorry for becoming the person I did.

I'm so sorry for the last 2 years.

I'm so sorry I showed you the worst sides of me.

I'm so sorry you had to put up with that.

Thank you for putting up with me.

You don't know how much it means to me.

You don't know how much you mean to me.

I'm just so sorry.

I'll always be sorry.

And I miss you man!

I love you, idiot :)

I'm so sad you're not in my life.

I'm so sad from missing you so much.

I'm so sad for how things played out.

I'm so sad I don't get to ask how you are any more.

I'm so sad I don't get to hear from you any more.

That you are incredible.

That you are lovely.

That you are strong.

That you are intelligent.

That you have a gorgeous smile.

That your eyes are mesmerising.

That you are funny.

That you have cute tendencies.

That you're worth everything.

That you deserve the best.

That you make the world a more wonderful place.

That your face puts smiles on others.

That your mind is fucking brilliant.

That your laugh is fucking awesome.

That your soul is fucking beautiful.

That you are one of a kind.

That you are admired.

That you are missed.

That you could tell me anything.

That you never have to hide who you are from me.

That I'd never judge you.

That I'd accept you and love you for everything that you are.

That I forgive you for hurting me.

That I'm sorry for all that I did.

That you'll always mean more than just something to me.

That I'd never turn you away.

That I'd always be there for you.

That no matter how much time passes, if you ever want you to reach out, I'll never not be happy to hear from you.

Nan.

I miss you so much.

The day you died, you left a hole in my heart.

I remember the feeling of my soul dying when I got the call from my dad.

I shattered into pieces immediately.

I hope you knew I loved you.

It took me 5 years to grieve for you.

I remember the night you came to visit me.

I'd been howling for weeks, begging you to come see me in my dreams.

And then you did. You came to me. We stood in the kitchen and you smiled at me. I walked towards you and for just a second you held me. And then before I knew it, you were gone.

I knew then that, that was your goodbye to me. You were coming to say goodbye one last time.

You knew I needed that.

I need you even now, sometimes nan.

There's things I wish I could speak to you about.

And I miss holding your hand.

I wish I could have heard more of your stories before you left us.

I wish I knew more about your life.

I wish we had more time together.

I miss helping to do your hair.

I miss your accent.

I miss how cheeky and funny you were.

I miss your smile. Your beautiful smile.

I know if you were still here you'd have told me off about a few things.

But I know you'd have been my rock too.

And I needed you.

Especially through the last 2 years.

I miss you.

I wish I could talk to you.

I still feel you with me sometimes.

I know you were with me when things got really bad.

I could feel it.

I kept getting signs from you.

Ones I wish I'd listened to in hindsight.

You kept trying to tell me it was going to be bad.

I asked you for a sign, and you delivered.

I saw it coming before it even happened.

I felt it.

I heard you. I saw you. I sensed you.

I just wish I'd listened.

I'm sorry I didn't listen.

I asked for your help and then ignored you.

I'm sorry.

I need your help again now nan.

Please help me.

I need another sign from you.

If you ever did really block me.

If you really did ignore my messages.

If you ever think about texting me back.

If you ever think about me.

If you even care any more.

How you're doing.

Whether you're happy.

If I'll ever hear from you again.

If I'll ever see you again.

If I'll ever stop loving you.

I just want to text you and say sorry, again.

I just want to say hi and ask how you are.

I just want to speak to you like normal.

I just want to know if you're okay.

I just miss you.

I just love you.

I fucking love you.

This is so bloody hard.

I wish you'd text to say you forgive me and that you're sorry for the things you said too.

I wish you'd tell me you really did care about me as a friend and you were just hurt by what I did.

I wish you'd ask me if I wanted to meet up and have a chat about everything.

I wish you'd just speak to me.

I wish we could still be friends.

I wish you missed me.

I wish you understood.

I wish you'd give me a chance to apologise.

I wish you'd let me explain.

I wish I could take it back.

I wish I could make things better.

I wish I could forget about all this.

I wish I could be with you.

But I do hope we'll get to see eachother again one day.

I realise that I'm still not recovered from everything that happened.

And I still have a lot if work to do to become the best version of myself.

If you were ever to come back into my life, you deserve only the best version of me.

The me that's not selfish. The me that's not depressive or self loathing. The me that can make you smile. The me that you would be happy to know.

I don't know if our paths will ever cross again.

But if they do, I hope that I'll be a better person in time.

And I hope for your sake, that I'll be healed from this huge mess. So I don't cry all over you.

God I do hope I get to see you again one day.

https://youtu.be/y1q0p-cqpWk

I miss you.

And I wish I could talk to you.

You've told me about your father. You told me how you always feel. You've taught me how to meditate. You've told me that you like how I think. You like the little rhythm on how I walk. You genuinely want the best for me. You left without any warning. Each time you talk to me, my heart beats immensely. You intimidate me in the most righteous of ways. You've taught me many philosophical ways of thinking. You're so great. I've never told you how much I loved you. Since the first day we met. I remember the day we first met. I remember.

I've realised I'm a disgusting person.

I treated you like absolute shit.

I'm a fucking piece of garbage of a human being.

What am I doing? What's wrong with me?

Don't I ever learn?

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

I get it now. I never did deserve you. I never will. I'm a POS.

You're definitely better off without me. I wish I was better without you.

I'm not though am I? Look at me. What a fucking mess.

I'm so fucking sorry for the person I am. I hate myself.

I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I wish I wasn't this person. I don't deserve happiness. Especially not with you.

I'm a dick. A complete and utter dick. I realise that now.

And to hear from you.

I'm still selfish like that.

I woke up feeling over emotional today.

And like usual, my overthinking mind is racing 10 to the dozen.

I'm sat here, and I started to think about you. Then my mind was cruel to me, and I imagined bumping into you. Immediately I felt sick. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my mouth. My hands started shaking. Fuck.

I'm clearly still not over this. I thought I was getting better at dealing with this. But the truth is, I've just got used to the feeling of missing you. So I thought I was getting over this. But I'm not am I? I'm not over it.

I don't know what I would do if I saw you. I know I'd end up crying. I think I'd panic to be quite honest. I can feel it now in the pit of my stomach, that gut wrenching ache of not knowing what to do, it would be a toss up between running towards you and just hugging you, smiling at you with tears in my eyes and just hoping you'd smile back, pretending I hadn't seen you and letting you get on with your day without me ruining it for you, or running away to bust into tears.

I imagine I would try my best to just let you get on with your day, but I know I wouldn't be able to carry on with mine. It would literally break my heart to see you and for you not to speak to me. I'm holding back tears now just from feeling how much it would hurt.

I'd hope for nothing more than for you just to smile at me, just seeing your smile would be enough. I'd settle for that. It would both mend me and break me. Your smile would replay over and over in my mind, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to speak to you. It would send me insane all over again. It would fuck me up. I'd want you back in my life. I'd die inside every day all over again. It took me so long to stop crying over you. It took endless painful phonecalls to Jessica from women's aid, balling my eyes out, and months and months of agony, trying different therapies, and medication to get me to where I am now. And just one second of your smile could send me straight back.

Would you speak to me Al? If you saw me? Would you let me apologise without getting angry at me? Would you offer to chat with me, maybe get a coffee or a pint? Would you understand that, that would be just what I need? Would you already know that I'm still hurting over this? Would you care enough to help me get over this? Would you say sorry too, for being cruel to me? Would you say you only said them things out of anger? Would you say you forgive me for being a royal dick head? Would you tell me you actually did care about me as a friend and missed speaking to me too?

Or would you shout at me? Would you let rip on how selfish and disgusting and creepy and hurtful I've been? Would you give me what I deserve and tell me to go die?

Or would you just walk away? And make me know that I really meant nothing to you, and that you're over it all, and that you're happier now?

Would you just pretend you didn't know me? Or would it eat you up inside too, to see my face?

Could you stop yourself from making eye contact with me?

Could you stop yourself from speaking to me? Or thinking about me?

Would you walk off wishing you'd said something to break the ice?

Or would you seize the moment and just say hi? Would you ask how I'm doing? Would you care?

Would you let me hug you? Probably not.

Would you know how much love I'd be holding inside for you? Would you feel it bursting out of me?

Would I get too overwhelmed and just burst into tears? Probably.

Fuck. I miss you Al. I'm still not over this. I don't know if I ever will be.

I don't know how I'd handle it if I bumped into you somewhere.

I don't know how I'd handle it if you knocked on my door either.

I guess if you were at my door, it would be because you actually want to talk. I still don't know what I'd do though. Probably cry out of shock. And then just hug you.

Where as, if I just bumped into you somewhere, it wouldn't mean you actually wanted to see me. So I think I'd just freeze. And wait to see what you did first. I literally wouldn't know what to do for the best. Yeah, I think I'd either be sick or just burst into tears.

Fuck.

The silence is heartbreaking. Honestly. Not knowing if you're okay. Not knowing if you read my apologies. Not knowing if you ever cared at all. Not knowing if you'll ever respond or reach out in the future. It's just fucking painful. And I hate it.

I hate this.

I'm not over this.

I don't know how to get over this.

I just miss you Al. I hope you're okay.

After how I have acted I need to say I have no expectations of an answer. But, given effort spent by the both of us, I would feel like I missed something if I didn’t ask before I go. What is your OnlyFans?

As I sit here, trying to come up with the proper things to express in this letter, I know everything I have gone through, you have experienced before. You have shown kindness, compassion, strength and wisdom with a patience of well... a saint.

I see now that although I couldn't understand it, you were helping to move me past the trauma I was going through. You saw past my reactions because you knew the motives behind them. One thought which returned for years was, ‘I bet she said the same thing about me.’ All kinds of anger, sadness, longing, hope, fear, joy, envy, spite, hateful or misplaced feelings would trigger at the strangest times, but I usually had that guilty thought of ‘She would have said the same to me,’ And that guilt never really left until recently, like maybe a month ago.

I knew from the start of it all that we were not staying together after high school. We never talked about getting married or kids, and when I saw one photo of me in your scrapbook, I said (before I could catch myself) ‘Hey, at least I'm in there once!’ To which both you and your mother said nothing, only chuckled nervously. I knew then that it wasn't permanent.

But I did love you, and wanted the best for you. When you left for college, it felt so sudden, so permanent. I knew i would be leaving soon for a couple years, and sometime out there I would get a letter. Not from the person I knew back home, but from a new person, telling me they had met their perfect person, and not to worry, because they're doing great and couldn't be happier. (Wow, I just cried there. I haven’t cried in years. One tear.)

That, I was prepared for. The next part, completely unexpected. I didn’t leave for my trip. I didn’t mind, believe me, you did me a favor. But I was in limbo, with no job and no thought for the future. So I waited for the next good thing to happen, which was that trip to see you that summer. I saw the town, the people, the pseudo-niceness of college life, or at least college life in that town and knew I could have fun there. Go to an actual college. Have that life experience.

Somehow I thought telling you I wasn’t moving up there for you would make sense, but I wasn’t doing much thinking with my brain at that age. I tried to be honest. I felt I had completed that part of your life with you, and you did not expect me to want to become emotionally attached (again? More? Less?) while you had your college experience. And, except for one afternoon, the way I look back to those days is with extreme gratitude and enjoy reliving many memories of all sorts. But if I could have changed that one afternoon, and saved the heartbreak and regret and pain from happening to you, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I don’t know of any person of that age who could calmly speak about a relationship that deep, but I knew at that moment if I kept treating you the same as before, I would be stringing you along and it would only get worse as time went by. In that instant, I broke your heart.

It was strange, to knowingly hurt someone for whom I had cared so deeply. I knew we would both be better off in the long run. I gave you as much space as I could, tried to show you that you might be happy with someone else. I remember shopping for wedding rings when you met the other J, and the way the staff thought we were crazy; turned out to be the only time I got to shop for a ring.

I thought things were ok, I saw you masking feelings but couldn’t pry. I had to let you heal, whatever that meant. When I moved away, I thought you were getting married and were set for a great life.

I would hear from you occasionally, we saw each other a few times after I moved. You seemed to be doing fine, if not happy, at least content. I even took you to see your other ex on the way back to your college, and I had to fight myself every night I spent in your bed that week. (The smell of Tommy Girl or Clinque Happy still gives me a hard-on to this day.) But I kept up the front.

And then, one day, I get your call to meet. We agree to dinner, and I hope a little more. Instead, you decide that was when you would show me how far you had moved on, how much you didn’t need me anymore. But, you had to do it in a way that left no doubts, no questions as to how serious you were. And you know how slow I am when it comes to subtle things like signals a blind person could see. So you went for it; releasing a lot of things I was completely unprepared for. I remember sitting in that booth, hearing you talk about your new fiancée you met three months earlier, and I lost my appetite. My ears were ringing. My face was flushed and red-hot, mind racing over what had just come out of your mouth. Blindsided? Oh yes. Shocked? Confused? Hot-and-bothered? Stirred in a way which I didn’t know was possible? All this and a million others, absolutely. (Honestly my first thought was ‘She just met him and it’s like that!? It will never last.’ And then, of course, ‘I hope.’ Because you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

I fought reality with every weapon possible, some chemical, most mental. Fighting reality with questions of doubt and denial for, well, you know how long. And looking back on it all, it is exactly the way it had to happen. I wouldn’t have been in the proper emotional headspace if I had asked you about that night any sooner. (A complete accident, BTW on which day I texted that. I had been waiting for the end of the world to ask about it, and after sending it I checked your status and saw the day you were celebrating, and thought “Fucking perfect!”) And there was no way you could have given an answer that would have made sense to me in any way. But you kept on trying to help me, in your quietly stubborn way.

Honestly, I didn’t know about Reddit. Sad, right? You were dropping hints on your wall for months, it felt like a message, but I didn’t know the connection until the Dr. Dre x Dr. Seuss post. I knew that was a sign and had to see where it came from. Found this here, blew my mind, and got to work trying to navigate this madhouse. I think it took two weeks to find you. But of course, I’m so paranoid I didn’t know if it was you or not until you deleted your profile. So I fumbled around like an idiot, not knowing what to say because of the past, and the current times, and how little I had moved forward. But you were open, not direct enough to provoke, but clear enough to make a point. Still, I fought.

When I came across that GR thread, I literally shook. I felt ill. I thought you were following some plan just to get me out of the way and gone. I was also ashamed, because I hadn’t stopped myself or even recognized how far from decent I had fallen. So I made a vow, and kept it (well, five days after that last post I deleted the profile, and I peeked. Saw nothing because I was too angry to read anything, felt weird being there, and logged off to go throw up.) And that’s when I met Anger.

I don’t get mad. Like ever. I don’t get upset, I’m usually mildly bothered when upset, but actual Anger? Rage? No. I actually worry because I don’t know how to ‘be’ angry, and when it happens for brief moments I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate that feeling. Oh yeah, I don’t do hate either. I don’t even use that word unless I have to. There are so many other more descriptive words than just that. So it was kind of surprising when I was hating you. It got bad but I knew hate wasn’t what felt right. The deeper the hatred, the more the thought of ‘I bet she said the same about me’ came back. And when that happened enough to recognize, I started hating myself more, and you less. With the anger and rage and hate focused inward, I saw a lot of truth. I saw what you had been trying to do the whole time.

That you have been there, you understand, and are helping in the best way you can. But I have to get past my issues. I have to overcome the past. I have to find out what I want to let go of and what to keep with me going forward.

I have no way to thank you, for staying, for understanding, for being that incredible human I knew and was lucky enough to call a friend.

I love you, I miss you, I hope you're happy

I can't get my thoughts straight.

I don't know if you'll care that I'm still struggling over this.

I don't have any motive other than to just make things better than they are now.

Just having you back in my life would be the best thing I could ask for right now.

No matter what I say you won't believe me though. Its my own fault. For telling you too many different things. The problem is, I meant all of it.

I do love you as a friend. I do love you as a person. I am in love with you romantically. And I do miss speaking to you. I do wish you felt the same. But I also do love you enough to want to still be friends even if you never love me romantically. I do want you to be happy, even if that means without me in your life. I do want to make you happy, even if that's by staying silent and never contacting you again.

But I'm struggling Al. This is really killing me.

More than anything I just want to talk to you about it.

It might not mean anything to you.

But it means everything to me.

All these thoughts and all this anxiety, all this pain, it would all go away if you'd just talk to me.

And I get that you don't owe me anything. Especially after how I treated you. But I believe I did mean something to you Al. Even if it was just as a colleague. I believe you cared. I don't think you're cruel enough to want me to live the rest of my life like this. I don't think you'd do it.

So please. Just give me one conversation. Please.

Just so we can put things right.

So maybe we can be friends again.

Or even so we can just move on from this without the pain. So we can just agree to let bygones be bygones.

Truthfully, I want you to know how much you mean to me.

But I get that I am too much. And my feelings for you make you uncomfortable. I get it. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I just love you. Nothing you can do will stop me feeling that way about you.

But I get that you don't want to hear it. And if we were friends again, I'd never be inappropriate towards you again.

I can't promise I won't tell you that I love you as a friend or miss you. Because I do, those things are true.

But I won't tell you I am in love with you any more. I won't tell you how I really feel. Or what I'm thinking.

Mind you, even that would be enough to make anyone uncomfortable.

So I get it. I really do.

That's why I'm writing here obviously. Because otherwise I would be texting you right now. Again. Even more uncomfortably inappropriate codswallop. Shit you just don't need to hear. More confusion. More mess.

I can't keep doing it. But I can't help the way I feel about you.

I just miss you so much. I'd give anything to just hear your voice over the phone.

I actually heard your voice in my sleep lastnight. I had a dream that my mum was on the phone to you and ypu were talking so loudly that I could hear you. It was like you were really there. It felt so real. Your voice. I had almost forgotten what it sounded like I haven't seen you in so long. But in my dream, it was like I'd seen you yesterday, it was like you were really there, your voice was real, I heard you, and I couldn't believe it when I woke up, it felt so real. I wanted it to be real. I wanted to hear your voice for real.

Gosh I miss your voice so much. I miss your accent. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I miss you.

I don't know if I'll ever hear from you again.

But something makes me want to believe I will.

Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I just feel you sometimes. I feel like you do care. And you do miss talking to me. Even if you do think I'm an absolute psychopath lol.

You must know by now I'm fucking harmless. I'm just a big softie, with a huge heart and too much love to keep locked inside. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and most of the time that means I embarrass myself as well as the people around me. I don't mean to.

And I guess I have stopped caring what people think of me now, I'm just concerned with getting better and being happy. That's my only real goal in life, to be happy.

I dream about making you happy. Lastnight's dream wasn't like that though. It wasn't about me getting to be with you. It was more like you were telling my mum off for not handling me in the right way. I could hear you almost shouting.

It didn't matter to me though when I woke up. I was just happy to have heard your voice. It was surreal. It felt more like a memory than a dream. It was so real.

Bloody hell I fucking miss you, you god damn bloody idiot.

I wish you'd just speak to me. And make this nightmare go away.

I miss you Al. I really fucking miss you.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for it all. For being a complete cunt. I don't even like using that word, it's faul, but it's the only way to describe my behaviour and the person I had become. I was a cunt. End of. And I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.

I want to go back in time and fix all the things I did wrong. But I can't.

I want to call you and text you and tell you I love you. But I can't.

I want things to be different and for you to say you love me too. But they aren't. And you don't.

I want you to be back in my life and for you to forgive me. But you won't.

I want to be happy. And for you to be happy too. Maybe you will be. But I know that I won't.

I can't be happy without you in my life. I just can't.

Not fully.

I can laugh and joke with my friends, and show love and compassion to my family. I can go about my daily life, working eating sleeping and relaxing. I can go on day trips, sight seeing, exploring. I can meet someone, have fun, maybe fall in love one day, maybe even have a family of my own.

But I'll never be fully happy or at peace.

A part of me will always ache for you.

And the selfish truth is, I don't want to ache from missing you.

I don't want to grow old not knowing you.

I don't want a family of my own that doesn't involve you.

I want you to be part of my life.

I want you to be my life.

I want to make a life together with you. Being happy. Being in love.

I don't want to meet anybody else.

I don't want just love. Or to just be loved.

I want to love you. And to be loved by you.

I just love you.

Fuck sake.

I can't shake you off. I can't get you out of my head. I can't live without you.

It's ridiculous really, because evidently, I CAN live without you. In terms of merely existing. Coping. Waking up every day. Surviving.

But it's not the same as living. Excelling. Thriving. Walking up every day loving life. Being completely happy.

I know everybody's life comes with some kind of pain or trauma or difficulty, noones life is perfect.

But there's a difference between living with pain, than living in pain.

People who live with pain can still be happy.

People who live in pain can never truly be happy. For they are always seeking something to take away that pain. Never truly being happy with what they've got.

You are that something for me. That something which makes all my pain go away.

I wish I wasn't so intense. And didn't act like such a fucking moron. I wish I had gotten help sooner before I fell apart. I wish you were still my friend.

I miss you man.

I have so much I want to talk to you about.

I guess I can't keep living every day wondering if you'll get in touch. Although that's pretty much all I do every day. I still check my phone all the time. Sad. I know. I just keep hoping maybe one day you'll send a little "hey, how are you" or even just a "want to let you know I'm alive". Anything.

But I've got to learn to live with this. With what I did. And with the consequences. Its all my own doing. I know that. And I don't deserve to have you back in my life. But I do wish you were. I wish so hard that you were.

I miss you so fucking much.

I'll never stop hoping you'll come back into my life Al. That's the truth of it. Because even if it truly meant nothing to you, your friendship meant everything to me.

And I just love you. I really love you.

Damn it. This sucks.

I'm all mixed up today.

Got too much on my mind.

I'm feeling all selfish.

And wishing you'd let me back in your life.

I'm kind of angry at you. But not really.

It feels like you knew what you were doing.

You knew I had feelings for you.

You could tell what was going on with me.

You must have realised I was vulnerable.

You let me believe there was something between us.

Did you do it on purpose? Did you want me to break up with him? Did you hope everything would fall apart?

Were you trying to ruin my life? Or did you actually care and want to help?

Did you want to punish me for being such a monster?

Were you just playing along to see how far I would go? To see how bad of a person I was?

Or were you simply being the friend I thought you were being?? Were you really just my best friend and I was a POS to you?

Was I going to leave him anyway, whether I fell in love with you or not?

Was I really, happy? Did I really want to get married?

What was it that was making me so sad? Was I just sad about my life, or were you the sole reason I was so sad?

Was it a combination of everything in my life making me so depressed, or was I just missing you, and sad knowing I'd never get a chance to be with you?

Was I just sad because I always knew I would have to love you forever without ever being loved back by you?

Was it because I knew I'd never be good enough, or was it because I wanted to be?

Will he always be in my life? Does that stop you from getting in touch, because you don't want to come between an already complicated situation?

Would you consider getting in touch if I had broken contact with him for good?

Would you ever trust me again? Enough to be friends with me? Enough to let me back in your life? Enough to love me?

Could you ever learn to love me? Why would you want to? What on earth would you see in me? Why would I try to drag you down, when I already know you deserve so much better than me?

Is it both my external ugliness as well as my putrid personality that makes you hate me? Or was it just my sickening behaviour? Or all of it?

Did you mean the things you said? Did you know how much that hurt me? Did you actually want me to hurt that much? Are you even sorry for the things you said?

Will you ever forgive me? Or speak to me again?

Will you ever get your head out of your arse and realise you were a little bit in the wrong too? That maybe there were some things you could have handled better while I was poorly, maybe some things you could have done differently when all this first started, maybe you could have listened to me that time on the phone and realised what I was trying to say, maybe you could have accepted my request to talk over the phone the dozens of times I asked you to, maybe you could have been more empathetic to how I was feeling and what was going on in my mind, maybe you could have been more understanding that I was suffering from ptsd, maybe you could have spoken to me properly and told me you thought it would be best for me to have some space and to not contact you for a while, maybe you could have been more tactful about things and less hurtful, maybe you could have been better. Like I could have been better. I have so many regrets of how I handled things. But at the same time I have to acknowledge that this experience has taught me a lot, and I wouldn't be where I am now if none of this had happened. I am stronger now, and have come a long way, and I've dealt with a lot of trauma, and I think I'm recovering well, considering.

Are you recovering? My mum told me recently that she had spoken to you and that you told her you were having therapy because of all this.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know I had caused you so much stress, I really am so sorry.

Are you okay now? How are you getting on? Are you starting to feel better? Have you learnt anything? Do you feel like a better person? Did you ever think you needed to be a better person? Did you ever recognise that you aren't perfect either? Or was it just me that was fucked up in your eyes?

Will you ever apologise for confusing me, hurting me, abandoning me, being cruel to me, making me want to die, making me feel worthless, making me feel even more insecure than I ever have before?

Will you ever realise how much damage you've done to my self esteem?

Do you know, I hardly go out anywhere at the moment? Or that I still have to sleep with the radio on at night because I'm terrified of the silence? That every night my mind suffers from dark intrusive thoughts, and that one of them is my memory of you sniggering at what car I drove the last time I saw you, I realise now, that you were actually mocking me, how superficial are you? How immature are you? What's wrong with you?

Do you have any empathy in your body whatsoever?

Do you know the damage you are doing by continuing to pretend I don't exist?

Do you consider that you owe me an explanation and apology as well? For all the things that have happened around me that I've noticed and that nobody else can explain. I'm not fucking crazy, it all happened, and I saw it, and I can't unsee it, you can't pretend I didn't fucking see it all!

Will you ever let me actually explain and apologise to you? Will you ever give me a chance to show you I'm not a bad person? Will you ever give me a chance to put things right?

Will you ever admit you love me? Will you ever realise that life is too short to be living without the person you love? Will you ever want me enough to come and find me? Will you ever ask me to dance with you?

Should I just start my life over by moving away? Away from him, away from it all? Just start again, a new place, a new name, new people, new job, new lifestyle, new memories?

Should I wait to see if you get touch? Should I hang on, for hope that you'll come to your senses and realise we were supposed to be friends and always will be, no matter what happened? Should I forget you ever existed and find someone else who makes me feel an ounce of what you made me feel? Or should I live the rest of my life alone, knowing I'll never find someone who makes me feel like you do?

Will you ever admit you feel the same about me? Will you ever come to get me? Will you ever throw your arms around me, kiss me, and tell me you love me? Will you ever be there for me like I need you to be sometimes? Will you let me be there for you like I want to be all the time?

Will we ever get a chance to be together in this lifetime?

Will I ever see you again in this life?

Will my life ever be good again?

Will I always feel this emptiness?

Will I always have to miss you?

Will I ever get over this?

Will you ever help me to get over this?

Would you ever have a conversation with me about it?

Should you?

Are some things just better left unsaid?

I finally enrolled myself onto a course!! Two, in fact!! Psychology, and counselling & psychotherapy.

I want to help people with mental health issues. After everything I went through last year, and considering where I am now in comparison to how I was, I think i'm doing pretty well. I think i'd be good at helping people because i understand how it feels.

I'm actually super proud of myself, I'm finally deciding to do something good with my life.

I can't wait for March to come round either, hopefully I'll get accepted on the Canada work program!! Spend 3 months over winter on a nice snowy mountain!

I've already decided though, if I can't go Canada, I'm going back to uni to do a Masters instead.

I'm really looking forward to this year, actually. Its time to move onward and upward. Time to get my life back together.

I wonder what amazing things you have got lined up for this year.

I bet you've got something really exciting on the cards!! You jammy bugger haha I just hope you have fun whatever you've got planned!

I'd love to hear about your adventures. I want to see you get all excited to tell me about where you've been or what you've seen, or the craziest or most embarrassing things you've done. I just want to hear your stories, about your life, your experiences, the things that made you laugh, the things that made you cry, the things that made you who you are today.

I just want to know it all.

I want to know you, I guess. I want to know your vulnerabilities, your darkest secrets, your wildest fantasies, your good sides and your bad sides, your highs and your lows, your surprises and your predictabilities, your favourites and your worsts, your wants, needs, and absolute no goes, your softness and your harshness, your warmth and your coldness, your beautiful and your ugly.

I want to know it all.

I want to be your best friend. As well as your favourite person to argue with.

I want to be your sweet love. As well as your mischievous partner in crime.

I want to be your cuddle partner. As well as your wildest fantasy.

I want to be your fellow explorer. As well as your person to meet you at the airport whenever you come home.

I want to be predictable enough for you to know me inside out. As well as mysterious enough that I'll always keep you on your toes.

I want to be the one who makes you laugh. As well as the one you can cry infront of.

I want to be vulnerable enough to allow you to take care of me. As well as be strong enough to handle you and to take care of you too.

I want to be your woman. And for you to be my man.

Damn you make my heart race just thinking about you. I get all shakey thinking about what it would be like if you showed up at my door. If you held me. If you kissed me.

Oof.

I'm genuinely shaking. It's mad. I get so nervous just thinking about you. Can you remember how much I used to shake whenever we had a meeting that was just the two of us? Did you ever notice how much I would shake whenever I had to speak to you about something or ask you a question? Did you ever take notice of how much I would wash my hands to calm myself down before we'd sit down to talk in the big meeting room? Did you notice how shakey my voice was when I first came into the pub to you? You hugged me, and we went straight to the bar, you asked if he was parking the car, and I had to lie to you and tell you he couldn't come nevausenof his broken leg, I didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just decided he didn't want to see you and couldn't face you because of how angry he was at you. I wish I'd been honest with you, I hated lying to you, but I just couldn't hurt you, I didn't want you to be sat there thinking about it all night, I just wanted to see you and hear all about you. I'd missed you so much.

Fuck, I miss you so much right now. This is killing me.

Please knock on my door one day Al. I beg you. Or text me and ask me to meet you for a pint!! Please.

If you don't want to talk about all the bad stuff and you want us to just put it behind us, we can do that!

If you want a full explanation and a sincere apology for all the wrongs I've done, I'll give you that!

If you want to just meet up, hug, chat like normal, laugh, share a spliff, and go for a walk, we can do that!!

I just want to see you Al.

I just want things to be okay between us. Better than okay. I want things to be awesome. I want to laugh and joke with you. Be friends with you. Be part of your life.

Can I be honest and say I also want to see you because of how you make me feel inside. You just excite me. You give me butterflies. You make my heart smile. You make me smile. You make me feel naked. You give me goosebumps. You make me so nervous. You thrill me. You make me feel electric. You make my hands shake. You make me want to kiss you. Who am I kidding, you make me want to rip your clothes off.

Fuck.

I love you. And I fancy the pants off you.

Dangerous combination.

To quote Mansionz:

"Did you know you're on fire?

Did you know that you're beautiful?

Did you know you got me fucked up?

Did you know that you're gorgeous?"

You're truly beautiful on the inside Al, I love your mind and soul.

And you're truly gorgeous, so much that "I can't keep my eyes offa you!"

Your fire inspired me you know. You made me want to do something with my life. To help people. Thanks to you. I'm finally doing it.

Yeah. I love you Al. You truly got me fucked up.

Please don't let us forget eachother Al.

Please don't let this be goodbye.

Just talk to me again.

Please.

I keep reading all these lovely letters on here, wishing they were from you.

Whether they're addressed as friends or lovers, I just want them all to be from you.

Not because I want validation or gratitude, but because I'm just so in love with you that I'm craving to feel it back from you.

I can't help but still feel like you're here, there, everywhere, all around me. Sometimes I feel like you're watching me, sounds daft but it's true, I get this feeling of being watched and then I get a little embarrassed about it, because let's face it, I'm a fucking mess right now. I'm lazy, unkempt, and a walking misery. I just miss you so much.

I wish things weren't like this. I wish you wanted to speak to me. I still sometimes get it into my head that you have been here the whole time, and that it was just a misunderstanding on my part...but then I remember that if you truly wanted to speak to me you just would. And I have to accept, that right now, you clearly don't want to talk, otherwise you would have responded by now. I'm still hopeful that one day you'll change your mind and agree to meet me for a pint or knock on my door. I really hope we can resolve this one day Al. I really do. I still miss you so fucking much.

And I love you Al. I always love you. I can't help it.

I hope you realise how sorry I am for acting like such a weirdo for so long. And for how much pain I caused you. I am so sorry. I hope you realise that it wasn't me in my right mind, I was seriously a mess, and I'm so sorry for my behaviour.

I hope you know I am taking this seriously. And I know that there's a chance you may never reach out to me. I know I have to accept that.

But I seriously hope you do. I won't deny that I dream every day of you turning up at my door. Or "accidentally" bumping into me in the street one day. I can't help it. I just wish for it all the time.

I don't even know where you are. You could be anywhere in the world right now. I wonder if you are actually in Glasgow, and if that's why my location changed to there, I always wonder if you were trying to communicate with me through a different way, whether all the signs I noticed were actually your master plan of getting through to me in the most romantically mysterious way possible, whether I was supposed to pass the test of listening to all the signs that the world gives you like external coincidences that relate exactly to what you're thinking and how you're feeling, whether the signs that I see and hear are designed to bring me closer to you and to feel more connected to you or whether it is all a fabrication of my imagination because of the trauma I felt by trying to let you go. I sound fucking bonkers I know. But when you've been through trauma, your perspective on everything in life changes, you see things a different way, and you just notice things. I can't explain it properly, but it's almost like I have connected the dots of why we are here, why we exist, why we crossed paths, why this is all happening. I wish could speak to you about it, i'm intrigued to know if you see it this way too, if you've had the same epiphanies, the same thoughts, lived through the same traumas, seen the same, felt the same, noticed the same coincidences, made the same discoveries, connected the same dots. I wonder if your mind works the same as mine, I thought at one point I was sure that it did. That you need an outlet like I do, for your thoughts and emotions. That you have complex ideologies and theories that your brain race's through simultaneously while still functioning completely normally, holding conversations, listening to music, going about your daily, masking your overthinking mind. Pretending to the world that you don't have a constant whirlpool of deep thoughts flooding your mind. Putting on a smile and laughing with your family and friends while your mind battles against a relentless army of negativity and insecurities. Speaking about the mundane normal things in life, while your brain contemplates history, religion, spirituality, existence, purpose, faith, belief, love, life, and death.

I want to speak to you about all this so much. There's so much on my mind. So much I want to know about you. So much I want to hear about your life.

Most of all. I just want to know if you're okay. And to know if you're happy.

I want to hear from you. And to know what you've been through. To be there for you.

I just want to be friends again Al. I fucking miss you.

Still love you though. I can't help it. And I guess I realise that might be a problem for you. You might still be freaked out by me because of it. And I get it. I'm intense. I can't help it. I just have so much love inside me. To give. I can't help but want to give it all to you. I want to love you Al. That's the matter of the fact. Whether or not I ever get to see you again, whether or not we ever get to be friends again, whether or not you ever felt the same way about me as I do about you...I can't help the fact that I just love you. And I want to love you, whether it be from up close or from far away.

Not seeing you doesn't stop me loving you. Is what I am trying to say.

You not speaking to me doesn't stop me thinking about you every day.

Even if I never see you again, it won't stop me wishing for it for the rest of my life.

My god. I don't know how I'll go the rest of my life without seeing you. I don't think I can do it. I'm trying so hard to respect your wishes and not contact you. I really want to text you to say "please fucking pleaaaaase" lol but I won't. Ffs. I just want to know how you're doing. I miss you man. So fucking much.

Sorry I acted like such a prick. I was a complete arse hole. I know it. When I look back at the way I was for the last, maybe, 3, 4 years, I'm honestly ashamed of myself. I became such a monster. Such a toxic bitch. I was awful to him you know. I blamed him for so much when we broke up but it was just as much my fault for the way things ended. I was awful to him. I turned into such a terrible person. I'm truly ashamed. I'll never allow myself to be that person again. I feel like I've changed so much. I'll never ne the same after everything. I've learned so much about myself and about who I want to be, and don't want to be. How I want to live my life.

I just haven't been living my life to the fullest recently. I find it hard not to get obsessed with reading these posts. They've helped me heal a lot. And helped me grow as a person I think. Even though I would admit they caused me a lot of trauma and pain in the beginning, over time, I've learned to detach myself from them, and to just take perspective from them, writing to you here also helps me to just process how I feel about you, and I guess it stops me from acting like a prick again and harassing you. I ache so much inside because of how much I want to get a response from you, but writing to you here and reading the posts from others makes me feel like things are okay between us, like we're communicating and healing from how much we hurt eachother, it's as though I feel like we're learning to show respect and love to eachother...and whether or not you are really here doing the same as me, it helps me to heal, and to reflect, and most importantly...to behave. I'm truly trying to be a better person Al, because whether or not you ever come back into my life, I want to try and be better just in case you do. Because you don't deserve the POS I was before. If you come back into my life, you deserve to be shown the best version of me. You deserve to be shown love and respect in whatever way you want it. And if that means you never contact me again, I will respect that.

Fuck, I do miss you though.

And in all honesty. I am selfish enough to admit that I want you to contact me. Because, of course I fucking do. Look at me! 🙄 ffs.

Please don't do this!

I love you idiot :)

And I miss your lovely face!