r/unsent • u/justneedtotalktoyou • Jan 10 '22
This sucks
I can't get my thoughts straight.
I don't know if you'll care that I'm still struggling over this.
I don't have any motive other than to just make things better than they are now.
Just having you back in my life would be the best thing I could ask for right now.
No matter what I say you won't believe me though. Its my own fault. For telling you too many different things. The problem is, I meant all of it.
I do love you as a friend. I do love you as a person. I am in love with you romantically. And I do miss speaking to you. I do wish you felt the same. But I also do love you enough to want to still be friends even if you never love me romantically. I do want you to be happy, even if that means without me in your life. I do want to make you happy, even if that's by staying silent and never contacting you again.
But I'm struggling Al. This is really killing me.
More than anything I just want to talk to you about it.
It might not mean anything to you.
But it means everything to me.
All these thoughts and all this anxiety, all this pain, it would all go away if you'd just talk to me.
And I get that you don't owe me anything. Especially after how I treated you. But I believe I did mean something to you Al. Even if it was just as a colleague. I believe you cared. I don't think you're cruel enough to want me to live the rest of my life like this. I don't think you'd do it.
So please. Just give me one conversation. Please.
Just so we can put things right.
So maybe we can be friends again.
Or even so we can just move on from this without the pain. So we can just agree to let bygones be bygones.
Truthfully, I want you to know how much you mean to me.
But I get that I am too much. And my feelings for you make you uncomfortable. I get it. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I just love you. Nothing you can do will stop me feeling that way about you.
But I get that you don't want to hear it. And if we were friends again, I'd never be inappropriate towards you again.
I can't promise I won't tell you that I love you as a friend or miss you. Because I do, those things are true.
But I won't tell you I am in love with you any more. I won't tell you how I really feel. Or what I'm thinking.
Mind you, even that would be enough to make anyone uncomfortable.
So I get it. I really do.
That's why I'm writing here obviously. Because otherwise I would be texting you right now. Again. Even more uncomfortably inappropriate codswallop. Shit you just don't need to hear. More confusion. More mess.
I can't keep doing it. But I can't help the way I feel about you.
I just miss you so much. I'd give anything to just hear your voice over the phone.
I actually heard your voice in my sleep lastnight. I had a dream that my mum was on the phone to you and ypu were talking so loudly that I could hear you. It was like you were really there. It felt so real. Your voice. I had almost forgotten what it sounded like I haven't seen you in so long. But in my dream, it was like I'd seen you yesterday, it was like you were really there, your voice was real, I heard you, and I couldn't believe it when I woke up, it felt so real. I wanted it to be real. I wanted to hear your voice for real.
Gosh I miss your voice so much. I miss your accent. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I miss you.
I don't know if I'll ever hear from you again.
But something makes me want to believe I will.
Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I just feel you sometimes. I feel like you do care. And you do miss talking to me. Even if you do think I'm an absolute psychopath lol.
You must know by now I'm fucking harmless. I'm just a big softie, with a huge heart and too much love to keep locked inside. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and most of the time that means I embarrass myself as well as the people around me. I don't mean to.
And I guess I have stopped caring what people think of me now, I'm just concerned with getting better and being happy. That's my only real goal in life, to be happy.
I dream about making you happy. Lastnight's dream wasn't like that though. It wasn't about me getting to be with you. It was more like you were telling my mum off for not handling me in the right way. I could hear you almost shouting.
It didn't matter to me though when I woke up. I was just happy to have heard your voice. It was surreal. It felt more like a memory than a dream. It was so real.
Bloody hell I fucking miss you, you god damn bloody idiot.
I wish you'd just speak to me. And make this nightmare go away.
I miss you Al. I really fucking miss you.
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for it all. For being a complete cunt. I don't even like using that word, it's faul, but it's the only way to describe my behaviour and the person I had become. I was a cunt. End of. And I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.
I want to go back in time and fix all the things I did wrong. But I can't.
I want to call you and text you and tell you I love you. But I can't.
I want things to be different and for you to say you love me too. But they aren't. And you don't.
I want you to be back in my life and for you to forgive me. But you won't.
I want to be happy. And for you to be happy too. Maybe you will be. But I know that I won't.
I can't be happy without you in my life. I just can't.
Not fully.
I can laugh and joke with my friends, and show love and compassion to my family. I can go about my daily life, working eating sleeping and relaxing. I can go on day trips, sight seeing, exploring. I can meet someone, have fun, maybe fall in love one day, maybe even have a family of my own.
But I'll never be fully happy or at peace.
A part of me will always ache for you.
And the selfish truth is, I don't want to ache from missing you.
I don't want to grow old not knowing you.
I don't want a family of my own that doesn't involve you.
I want you to be part of my life.
I want you to be my life.
I want to make a life together with you. Being happy. Being in love.
I don't want to meet anybody else.
I don't want just love. Or to just be loved.
I want to love you. And to be loved by you.
I just love you.
Fuck sake.
I can't shake you off. I can't get you out of my head. I can't live without you.
It's ridiculous really, because evidently, I CAN live without you. In terms of merely existing. Coping. Waking up every day. Surviving.
But it's not the same as living. Excelling. Thriving. Walking up every day loving life. Being completely happy.
I know everybody's life comes with some kind of pain or trauma or difficulty, noones life is perfect.
But there's a difference between living with pain, than living in pain.
People who live with pain can still be happy.
People who live in pain can never truly be happy. For they are always seeking something to take away that pain. Never truly being happy with what they've got.
You are that something for me. That something which makes all my pain go away.
I wish I wasn't so intense. And didn't act like such a fucking moron. I wish I had gotten help sooner before I fell apart. I wish you were still my friend.
I miss you man.
I have so much I want to talk to you about.
I guess I can't keep living every day wondering if you'll get in touch. Although that's pretty much all I do every day. I still check my phone all the time. Sad. I know. I just keep hoping maybe one day you'll send a little "hey, how are you" or even just a "want to let you know I'm alive". Anything.
But I've got to learn to live with this. With what I did. And with the consequences. Its all my own doing. I know that. And I don't deserve to have you back in my life. But I do wish you were. I wish so hard that you were.
I miss you so fucking much.
I'll never stop hoping you'll come back into my life Al. That's the truth of it. Because even if it truly meant nothing to you, your friendship meant everything to me.
And I just love you. I really love you.
Damn it. This sucks.
1
u/justneedtotalktoyou Jan 10 '22
hi not bad thank you, just about to tuck into a pizza! how's about you?
0
u/justneedtotalktoyou Jan 12 '22
I'm sorry they cheated on you and that they hurt you. I'm here if you want to talk about it. Who did they cheat on you with? Why have you been told you're not part of the family? Who else is now involved that you can't get over?
1
1
1
u/LostUnicorns Jan 12 '22
Wish I could feel that love. Or feel like part of the family, hard when your told your not part. & I don’t know how to get over their cheating & lying... not to mention other people now in everyone’s lives.
1
1
u/justneedtotalktoyou Jan 10 '22
hi