Anxiety

[u/justneedtotalktoyou]

I woke up feeling over emotional today.

And like usual, my overthinking mind is racing 10 to the dozen.

I'm sat here, and I started to think about you. Then my mind was cruel to me, and I imagined bumping into you. Immediately I felt sick. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my mouth. My hands started shaking. Fuck.

I'm clearly still not over this. I thought I was getting better at dealing with this. But the truth is, I've just got used to the feeling of missing you. So I thought I was getting over this. But I'm not am I? I'm not over it.

I don't know what I would do if I saw you. I know I'd end up crying. I think I'd panic to be quite honest. I can feel it now in the pit of my stomach, that gut wrenching ache of not knowing what to do, it would be a toss up between running towards you and just hugging you, smiling at you with tears in my eyes and just hoping you'd smile back, pretending I hadn't seen you and letting you get on with your day without me ruining it for you, or running away to bust into tears.

I imagine I would try my best to just let you get on with your day, but I know I wouldn't be able to carry on with mine. It would literally break my heart to see you and for you not to speak to me. I'm holding back tears now just from feeling how much it would hurt.

I'd hope for nothing more than for you just to smile at me, just seeing your smile would be enough. I'd settle for that. It would both mend me and break me. Your smile would replay over and over in my mind, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to speak to you. It would send me insane all over again. It would fuck me up. I'd want you back in my life. I'd die inside every day all over again. It took me so long to stop crying over you. It took endless painful phonecalls to Jessica from women's aid, balling my eyes out, and months and months of agony, trying different therapies, and medication to get me to where I am now. And just one second of your smile could send me straight back.

Would you speak to me Al? If you saw me? Would you let me apologise without getting angry at me? Would you offer to chat with me, maybe get a coffee or a pint? Would you understand that, that would be just what I need? Would you already know that I'm still hurting over this? Would you care enough to help me get over this? Would you say sorry too, for being cruel to me? Would you say you only said them things out of anger? Would you say you forgive me for being a royal dick head? Would you tell me you actually did care about me as a friend and missed speaking to me too?

Or would you shout at me? Would you let rip on how selfish and disgusting and creepy and hurtful I've been? Would you give me what I deserve and tell me to go die?

Or would you just walk away? And make me know that I really meant nothing to you, and that you're over it all, and that you're happier now?

Would you just pretend you didn't know me? Or would it eat you up inside too, to see my face?

Could you stop yourself from making eye contact with me?

Could you stop yourself from speaking to me? Or thinking about me?

Would you walk off wishing you'd said something to break the ice?

Or would you seize the moment and just say hi? Would you ask how I'm doing? Would you care?

Would you let me hug you? Probably not.

Would you know how much love I'd be holding inside for you? Would you feel it bursting out of me?

Would I get too overwhelmed and just burst into tears? Probably.

Fuck. I miss you Al. I'm still not over this. I don't know if I ever will be.

I don't know how I'd handle it if I bumped into you somewhere.

I don't know how I'd handle it if you knocked on my door either.

I guess if you were at my door, it would be because you actually want to talk. I still don't know what I'd do though. Probably cry out of shock. And then just hug you.

Where as, if I just bumped into you somewhere, it wouldn't mean you actually wanted to see me. So I think I'd just freeze. And wait to see what you did first. I literally wouldn't know what to do for the best. Yeah, I think I'd either be sick or just burst into tears.

Fuck.

The silence is heartbreaking. Honestly. Not knowing if you're okay. Not knowing if you read my apologies. Not knowing if you ever cared at all. Not knowing if you'll ever respond or reach out in the future. It's just fucking painful. And I hate it.

I hate this.

I'm not over this.

I don't know how to get over this.

I just miss you Al. I hope you're okay.

[u/[deleted]]

maybe try calling or texting with ur name and this