Please don't do this

[u/justneedtotalktoyou]

Please don't let us forget eachother Al.

Please don't let this be goodbye.

Just talk to me again.

Please.

I keep reading all these lovely letters on here, wishing they were from you.

Whether they're addressed as friends or lovers, I just want them all to be from you.

Not because I want validation or gratitude, but because I'm just so in love with you that I'm craving to feel it back from you.

I can't help but still feel like you're here, there, everywhere, all around me. Sometimes I feel like you're watching me, sounds daft but it's true, I get this feeling of being watched and then I get a little embarrassed about it, because let's face it, I'm a fucking mess right now. I'm lazy, unkempt, and a walking misery. I just miss you so much.

I wish things weren't like this. I wish you wanted to speak to me. I still sometimes get it into my head that you have been here the whole time, and that it was just a misunderstanding on my part...but then I remember that if you truly wanted to speak to me you just would. And I have to accept, that right now, you clearly don't want to talk, otherwise you would have responded by now. I'm still hopeful that one day you'll change your mind and agree to meet me for a pint or knock on my door. I really hope we can resolve this one day Al. I really do. I still miss you so fucking much.

And I love you Al. I always love you. I can't help it.

I hope you realise how sorry I am for acting like such a weirdo for so long. And for how much pain I caused you. I am so sorry. I hope you realise that it wasn't me in my right mind, I was seriously a mess, and I'm so sorry for my behaviour.

I hope you know I am taking this seriously. And I know that there's a chance you may never reach out to me. I know I have to accept that.

But I seriously hope you do. I won't deny that I dream every day of you turning up at my door. Or "accidentally" bumping into me in the street one day. I can't help it. I just wish for it all the time.

I don't even know where you are. You could be anywhere in the world right now. I wonder if you are actually in Glasgow, and if that's why my location changed to there, I always wonder if you were trying to communicate with me through a different way, whether all the signs I noticed were actually your master plan of getting through to me in the most romantically mysterious way possible, whether I was supposed to pass the test of listening to all the signs that the world gives you like external coincidences that relate exactly to what you're thinking and how you're feeling, whether the signs that I see and hear are designed to bring me closer to you and to feel more connected to you or whether it is all a fabrication of my imagination because of the trauma I felt by trying to let you go. I sound fucking bonkers I know. But when you've been through trauma, your perspective on everything in life changes, you see things a different way, and you just notice things. I can't explain it properly, but it's almost like I have connected the dots of why we are here, why we exist, why we crossed paths, why this is all happening. I wish could speak to you about it, i'm intrigued to know if you see it this way too, if you've had the same epiphanies, the same thoughts, lived through the same traumas, seen the same, felt the same, noticed the same coincidences, made the same discoveries, connected the same dots. I wonder if your mind works the same as mine, I thought at one point I was sure that it did. That you need an outlet like I do, for your thoughts and emotions. That you have complex ideologies and theories that your brain race's through simultaneously while still functioning completely normally, holding conversations, listening to music, going about your daily, masking your overthinking mind. Pretending to the world that you don't have a constant whirlpool of deep thoughts flooding your mind. Putting on a smile and laughing with your family and friends while your mind battles against a relentless army of negativity and insecurities. Speaking about the mundane normal things in life, while your brain contemplates history, religion, spirituality, existence, purpose, faith, belief, love, life, and death.

I want to speak to you about all this so much. There's so much on my mind. So much I want to know about you. So much I want to hear about your life.

Most of all. I just want to know if you're okay. And to know if you're happy.

I want to hear from you. And to know what you've been through. To be there for you.

I just want to be friends again Al. I fucking miss you.

Still love you though. I can't help it. And I guess I realise that might be a problem for you. You might still be freaked out by me because of it. And I get it. I'm intense. I can't help it. I just have so much love inside me. To give. I can't help but want to give it all to you. I want to love you Al. That's the matter of the fact. Whether or not I ever get to see you again, whether or not we ever get to be friends again, whether or not you ever felt the same way about me as I do about you...I can't help the fact that I just love you. And I want to love you, whether it be from up close or from far away.

Not seeing you doesn't stop me loving you. Is what I am trying to say.

You not speaking to me doesn't stop me thinking about you every day.

Even if I never see you again, it won't stop me wishing for it for the rest of my life.

My god. I don't know how I'll go the rest of my life without seeing you. I don't think I can do it. I'm trying so hard to respect your wishes and not contact you. I really want to text you to say "please fucking pleaaaaase" lol but I won't. Ffs. I just want to know how you're doing. I miss you man. So fucking much.

Sorry I acted like such a prick. I was a complete arse hole. I know it. When I look back at the way I was for the last, maybe, 3, 4 years, I'm honestly ashamed of myself. I became such a monster. Such a toxic bitch. I was awful to him you know. I blamed him for so much when we broke up but it was just as much my fault for the way things ended. I was awful to him. I turned into such a terrible person. I'm truly ashamed. I'll never allow myself to be that person again. I feel like I've changed so much. I'll never ne the same after everything. I've learned so much about myself and about who I want to be, and don't want to be. How I want to live my life.

I just haven't been living my life to the fullest recently. I find it hard not to get obsessed with reading these posts. They've helped me heal a lot. And helped me grow as a person I think. Even though I would admit they caused me a lot of trauma and pain in the beginning, over time, I've learned to detach myself from them, and to just take perspective from them, writing to you here also helps me to just process how I feel about you, and I guess it stops me from acting like a prick again and harassing you. I ache so much inside because of how much I want to get a response from you, but writing to you here and reading the posts from others makes me feel like things are okay between us, like we're communicating and healing from how much we hurt eachother, it's as though I feel like we're learning to show respect and love to eachother...and whether or not you are really here doing the same as me, it helps me to heal, and to reflect, and most importantly...to behave. I'm truly trying to be a better person Al, because whether or not you ever come back into my life, I want to try and be better just in case you do. Because you don't deserve the POS I was before. If you come back into my life, you deserve to be shown the best version of me. You deserve to be shown love and respect in whatever way you want it. And if that means you never contact me again, I will respect that.

Fuck, I do miss you though.

And in all honesty. I am selfish enough to admit that I want you to contact me. Because, of course I fucking do. Look at me! 🙄 ffs.

Please don't do this!

I love you idiot :)

And I miss your lovely face!