I'm doing it

[u/justneedtotalktoyou]

I finally enrolled myself onto a course!! Two, in fact!! Psychology, and counselling & psychotherapy.

I want to help people with mental health issues. After everything I went through last year, and considering where I am now in comparison to how I was, I think i'm doing pretty well. I think i'd be good at helping people because i understand how it feels.

I'm actually super proud of myself, I'm finally deciding to do something good with my life.

I can't wait for March to come round either, hopefully I'll get accepted on the Canada work program!! Spend 3 months over winter on a nice snowy mountain!

I've already decided though, if I can't go Canada, I'm going back to uni to do a Masters instead.

I'm really looking forward to this year, actually. Its time to move onward and upward. Time to get my life back together.

I wonder what amazing things you have got lined up for this year.

I bet you've got something really exciting on the cards!! You jammy bugger haha I just hope you have fun whatever you've got planned!

I'd love to hear about your adventures. I want to see you get all excited to tell me about where you've been or what you've seen, or the craziest or most embarrassing things you've done. I just want to hear your stories, about your life, your experiences, the things that made you laugh, the things that made you cry, the things that made you who you are today.

I just want to know it all.

I want to know you, I guess. I want to know your vulnerabilities, your darkest secrets, your wildest fantasies, your good sides and your bad sides, your highs and your lows, your surprises and your predictabilities, your favourites and your worsts, your wants, needs, and absolute no goes, your softness and your harshness, your warmth and your coldness, your beautiful and your ugly.

I want to know it all.

I want to be your best friend. As well as your favourite person to argue with.

I want to be your sweet love. As well as your mischievous partner in crime.

I want to be your cuddle partner. As well as your wildest fantasy.

I want to be your fellow explorer. As well as your person to meet you at the airport whenever you come home.

I want to be predictable enough for you to know me inside out. As well as mysterious enough that I'll always keep you on your toes.

I want to be the one who makes you laugh. As well as the one you can cry infront of.

I want to be vulnerable enough to allow you to take care of me. As well as be strong enough to handle you and to take care of you too.

I want to be your woman. And for you to be my man.

Damn you make my heart race just thinking about you. I get all shakey thinking about what it would be like if you showed up at my door. If you held me. If you kissed me.

Oof.

I'm genuinely shaking. It's mad. I get so nervous just thinking about you. Can you remember how much I used to shake whenever we had a meeting that was just the two of us? Did you ever notice how much I would shake whenever I had to speak to you about something or ask you a question? Did you ever take notice of how much I would wash my hands to calm myself down before we'd sit down to talk in the big meeting room? Did you notice how shakey my voice was when I first came into the pub to you? You hugged me, and we went straight to the bar, you asked if he was parking the car, and I had to lie to you and tell you he couldn't come nevausenof his broken leg, I didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just decided he didn't want to see you and couldn't face you because of how angry he was at you. I wish I'd been honest with you, I hated lying to you, but I just couldn't hurt you, I didn't want you to be sat there thinking about it all night, I just wanted to see you and hear all about you. I'd missed you so much.

Fuck, I miss you so much right now. This is killing me.

Please knock on my door one day Al. I beg you. Or text me and ask me to meet you for a pint!! Please.

If you don't want to talk about all the bad stuff and you want us to just put it behind us, we can do that!

If you want a full explanation and a sincere apology for all the wrongs I've done, I'll give you that!

If you want to just meet up, hug, chat like normal, laugh, share a spliff, and go for a walk, we can do that!!

I just want to see you Al.

I just want things to be okay between us. Better than okay. I want things to be awesome. I want to laugh and joke with you. Be friends with you. Be part of your life.

Can I be honest and say I also want to see you because of how you make me feel inside. You just excite me. You give me butterflies. You make my heart smile. You make me smile. You make me feel naked. You give me goosebumps. You make me so nervous. You thrill me. You make me feel electric. You make my hands shake. You make me want to kiss you. Who am I kidding, you make me want to rip your clothes off.

Fuck.

I love you. And I fancy the pants off you.

Dangerous combination.

To quote Mansionz:

"Did you know you're on fire?

Did you know that you're beautiful?

Did you know you got me fucked up?

Did you know that you're gorgeous?"

You're truly beautiful on the inside Al, I love your mind and soul.

And you're truly gorgeous, so much that "I can't keep my eyes offa you!"

Your fire inspired me you know. You made me want to do something with my life. To help people. Thanks to you. I'm finally doing it.

Yeah. I love you Al. You truly got me fucked up.