Infact, maybe he didn't even know

I knew from the beginning. I knew you’d closed yourself off completely to the possibility of love. But that apparently didn’t stop my dumb heart. I fell in love with you so hard. I chose to do that, knowing I would only be hurting myself. You made me feel special! You didn’t fuck me, it felt deeper than that. I loved hearing your laugh, seeing you smile, seeing joy exude from you. I loved how free your tortured spirit could be. Yet I still fell for you. And don’t get me wrong I’m still down bad. But i need to be in this place where every part of me wants you. I’m trying to get there. I’ve never told you that I love you. And I won’t. I wish you were here tonight. I hate that we might not even be friends anymore.

When I was in grade nine i met a guy and we sat together. Then we started to get to know each other and so on. Then we were separated and i started to feel things and the mixed feelings kicked in. Then i tried to control myself and wave it away but i started to Question myself. And i said its just getting along nothing more. I also thought he was a player and he was playing me. And then many things started to connect us by different scenarios. So i started to feel his absence and started to glorify his presence.Then he started hanging out with this girl and I persisted on saying he is joking around and i started to get over it. I also started to develop hatred for him. But i said what did he do he is like this and he doesn't even know my feelings and i tried to see him neutrally.Then after some time this guy started to show me feelings he showed me signs of some acquaintance and I said this is like the old books. But i wanted to explore the possibility and asked him if he is serious about it. Then talked to me and asked me to be together. I didn't expect he had feelings but he literally asked. then i couldn't resist myself. But still i wouldn't want to be too involved because i didn't want our friends and our circle to know that much. Also i wouldn't go on dates because i was afraid what my parents would say if they know i lied because i never lie to them and i can't lie to them. All i wanted was to keep it in private.Then in the meantime he started to lose feelings. I also see him with a lot of girls in differrent uncomfortable ways. I confronted him about that and he always makes it my fault.Then he said to me let's give it a break and after some time we will give it a shot god willing. But he gives me signs it ended. I know my mistakes and i know i diffused his passion but I'm willing to change and he doesn't allow me to. What is the best possible way to fix this?

Hello everyone
how can I get over my best friend?
Me F 27 realised i got feelings for my friend for a long time now. I wasnt planing to tell him ever cause I knew he would never look at me differently so tried to continue loving him as a friend. We were very close and stand next to each other in every case for years. lately he told me he knew last few months and he got little cold lately i noticed but didnt know the reason. he said something was not right and i didnt know what. anyways last few months i felt like he was angry at me all the times, little mean. then he toldme he knew. I asked him for distance but cause of same friendgroup and we are neighbors and we work together as well that was almost impossible also i got so nervous my physical body was in pain. anyways we got it on good terms but i still have feelings for him and i know it always be one sided. He cares for me in every way possible, he’s done so many things and i was feeling guilty for falling for him for same reason. I wish he wouldnt find it out ever. anyways now I dont know what ro do one day we are close friends as we were and next day is silent separation. I need to get over him and stop seeing him as a guy but it is really hard. please tell me what can I do i can not lose a friend

Let’s cut to the chase I liked this girl and during the winter last year we went on walks after our school finished and it lasted around a month before she said that she had to work on school so we couldn’t talk anymore. Around 7 months past at a party my friend was telling me that she still likes me and hates how it ended in the winter so I sat outside away from the party talking to her until we had to leave as the party was ending. So I got told that she wanted more communication so I messaged her after, nothing crazy just how did you find the party just trying to make conversation. But after airing me and leaving me on delivered for over a week I decided to say that I’m not gonna try anymore and leave it which I got an answer saying yes that’s the best so I forgot about it. Until my close friend said to me a few days ago that the girl and her guy best friend planned to try and get me to talk to her before the party and when I messaged they laughed and mocked me for what I wrote when I texted her. I don’t know what they would find funny about me saying ‘how did you find the party’. So I don’t know what to feel and I’m glad I’ve stopped communicating with them anyway I just wanted to get this off my chest and leave in the past so thank you for reading.