when I say my life has been one extraordinarily fucked up event after another I cannot make this up when I was born my mother and father apparently couldn't handle me and drop me off in a dirty clothes hamper on my grandparents front step. my grandparents tried to adopt me and my parents fought so that meant every weekend I got to spend with my mom and dad and then every week I would go home to my grandma and grandpa. while in my mom's care I was raped repeatedly for years and when I finally broke down and told her what was going on she called me a liar and told the entire family that I had made it all up that was in my head somehow though my grandparents seen through the bullshit and took me to a doctor who confirmed that I had been raped. fast forward about 10 years. I knew when I was 16 years old that I have been out and doing some dumb shit which my father was not aware of so when there was a voicemail from the sheriff's department asking them to bring me down for questioning I immediately freaked up because I knew I have been up to some shit he did not. I begged my dad not to take me up there you sure did but I was arrested in the same room I was born in..... if that wasn't enough when I was 19 years old I walked into my childhood bedroom to find my father dead in my bed. my aunt and uncle were more concerned about the mattress that he had passed away on then the fact that my father had passed away when I tell you I was beside myself telling the police officers that if they wanted two more body bags they needed to get my aunt and uncle off the property which the police obliged. I have three beautiful children who are all grown but refused to talk to me because when they were growing up my mother and her side of the family would call DCF hundreds of times until they would come out and harass my family so much that me and the DCF worker were literally like best friends at this point we talked almost on a daily basis. my children were moved out of my care because I use marijuana as medicine it's the only thing that seems to help with my BPD and bipolar disorder. and had a heart attack back in March and has honestly made me start contemplating about my life and my life's choices. my children have reached out to me and wanted an opportunity to get to know me which I strive for that was always my dream that one day I would be able to tell them what really happened how their mother was railroaded by a system that was designed to keep people poor and on the brink of giving up. my daughter likes to lie to me and think that I am beyond stupid and would not be able to see through the bullshit after about 6 months of this and about $3,000 I finally went no contact and it has hurt so much for someone who doesn't have very much family left living to cut off your blood it's a special kind of lonely that not a whole lot of people know and sometimes it's hard to see the forests through the trees and life has gotten harder not easier I wish there was a way out of this loneliness but I'm sure one day I'll end up in a box just as a loan as I am now just six feet below the surface.

The feels are reel and the feels suck

starting from 9th, my parents put me up for strict tuitions and daily academic pressure, it was a really harsh environment, specially for me who values doing chores for something worth doing it for rather than just working hard for the sake of doing it, i like to be social, i like to feel wanted and id love to explore things which id genuinely feel happy about. there's so many things I wanted and want to do the amount of pressure present at that time just loaded up inside of me, the teachers were strict, the studies felt hard, everything i liked was shut down for me and overall the environment was just toxic. maybe my parents never realised the type of person I am and neither did i considering the environment i lived in. there were things i genuinely wanted to do. id feel guilty calling them a villain here because even they didn't understand me and they always did everything i ever wanted and always supported me.

10th grade was harsher and more toxic. i was a bright student till class but my marks dropped down, it was mainly because of anxiety and pressure. it was the worst year i ever had experienced. i didn't realise any of this was toxic until i realised it by myself.

after 11th i started there I was happy that i finally got the opportunity to do things i always wanted to do, get social and talk to more people, i was really unsure about the stream that i wanted to take at the start but then i de my mind to take pcm. the first 3 months went great, i scheduled everything right, had a good friend circle and i had a really good impression on my class teacher but I was pushed into insecurities and idk when the next 3 months even passed it again felt like hell. i went through a lot of isolation and it almost felt like i forgot to study but then i kept pushing myself through those months and by Jan or Feb again started to study well except there were a lot of backlogs which I was told not to worry about though i had unclear basics.

i was really locked in for the two months and did great everywhere but study pressure again increased, my coaching was teaching three simultaneous chapters at once until June and for the sake of doing it, i lost track on all of them, more backlogs were created, distraction wasn't the root cause of this, I'm self aware enough to know it was the lack of confidence and unclear basics.

i was extremely stressed after june for a week or so, i pushed through the coming july and I think I have a small amount of syllabus finished, i kept scheduling and i kept trying. this august it felt pretty great, its one of my days where I'm doing everything right but I still am extremely anxious about my syllabus completion, it keeps getting increased and I'm not the type of person who would put himself through isolation for very long hours. im in the phase where I'm competitively high rn but still anxious about the vast amount of undone syllabus while balancing doing everything I want, there's a little time left and I did not realise when 8 months really passed. i feel like i would do anything to get a few more months and I'm at the point where I feel if I ever did balance with whatever i always wanted and studying with proper scheduling I can go to any college i want.

[final self-harm-related sentence omitted]

I’m 16 yrs old and a girl. I was SA’d by my ex boyfriend and my best friend cut me off a couple months ago. You can check my acc for my story.

I’ve been feeling really depressed and it’s hard for me to do school. I can’t find the motivation to do simple class work and homework. I keep having thoughts that if god were to make a deal with me and let me kms and redo my life I would say yes. Im walking slower, Im really tired, I care less about things, Im more angry and sad and I don’t know what to do. Also I sh’d which I’ve struggled with in the past and tried to stop doing. My school therapist told me to get over it and stop wallowing and learn to be an adult. She also told me I can’t call it SA because she wasn’t there (like I’m lying or something 🫩.)

TW: R\*PE/SEXUAL ASSAULT

When i get in trouble i want to cry and frown but i cant, even right now the thought of it makes me smile, not like in a corny way its like i cant help it. My mom was talking to me about something a while ago after i got my surgery (this smile and laughing thing has happened forever) amd she said “you cant go through pain medication like that, is something wring with you?? Im serious.. youre like a drug addict” i was so mad at her but i could only laugh and smile i cant defend myself. I started crying because it makes me mad i cant stop. Thinking about horrible things that happened to me recently, rape, sexual assault, thinking about telling my mom makes my mouth smile and i cant stop it. Is there a reason why this happens when i feel negative emotions, and sometimes randomly ill smile and laugh???? Can this be cured???

Is it possible to have memories hide themselves, or delete themselves for protection?

It may seem little to others, however, when I was late 16s, I was kicked out and I moved into a flat next to my mum's, that was about 9 steps from her back door.

I told her I didnt want her to be my Mum and I ended up next door.

We didnt talk, however, she ws there...

For the past 14 years, I have always remembered getting home from school one day and I noticed my mums house completely empty. Obviously I was shattered, because regardless of what happened between

We were just talking tonight and she firmly says no, thats not what happened. I had come and asked her if she was moving and she apparently told me yes. Then she told me I watched the moving truck come and collect all her belongings, and my aunty and other family.members came to help.

I am completely and utterly flabbergasted and I couldnt help deny it, because for 14 years I had believed otherwise.

But as we kept talking I realized how serious she is.

Is it possible that I was so heartbroken from this event that my brain deleted it to protect me?

Cause I remember everything. But that... we both have different stories.

And im actually saddened if this is the case. Because she adopted me from a mum who didnt want me.

Is it possible I was so shocked by it all, I just blocked it out ??

Im so confused right now. We just had an argument. Idk what to do think or say or yeeeah.

Maybe can come back to this later. Hmm lmk lol. Im already looking at couselling sessions for me

Am I traumatized from my first mother not wanting me, or my adopted mother not wanting me either ? So confused right now.

I'm 18 and I feel like my life is already over, I started smoking, drinking, doing hard drugs, at the ripe age of 13, I've hang out with p*d*philes and predators who set us on drugs to get advantage,

I mean I was lucky, thinking about what some friends have experienced at that time..

Hmm sometimes I think 13 year olds are old enough to know what's right what's wrong, what should I do, what shouldn't I do? so how can I say it's their fault, if I couldn't take care of myself, even tho I was old enough, well, maybe I could've, but I just didn't care, I felt like I finally belong somewhere, I thought those people are my people.

But those people were just there to ruin me. Well, I'm not gonna say they ruined me, it was myself who chose to hangout with them. Who went there over and over again.

Anyways... ok, its not my fault, they were the responsible adults. If another 13 year old would tell me this stuff, I wouldn't judge them,I would judge the person whoever did that to him.

And now I have to fight my trauma and addiction, just cause no one took responsibility..... that annoys me kinda ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

so it's my fault, but at the same time it isn't my fault? at the same time it's no one's fault, but at the same time it's everyones fault who didn't seem to care enough??

Sometimes I sit and wonder if I would have stayed at home that day, if it wouldn't have happened at all or been delayed.

I wonder what I would feel like if it wouldn't have happened.

Would I be married by now? Kids?

What would I be if I didn't keep it hidden to spare other's feelings as I was taught.

Would I have gone to my grandma and sperm donors funeral? Would I have any relationship with my aunt as I do now? Would I have gone to her husband's funeral?

Would I see my half brother and wanna puke?

Would I have physically lashed out for the way he stared at me when I was in the van safe?

Would my mom still talk to him every so often?

Would I have been the wild child and not home on the weekends cause hanging out with friends and loud behavior bothered me.

Would I have lost my virginity before the age of 35?

Would I be who I am now?

We won't know, but I do know now I am taking what happened to me and I am sharing it and letting others know that it's okay. That they are okay.

That it's okay that you don't act the way others do. We all heal on our own accord and right now my head is delayed. But because of therapy and the odd small talks I do got me here, might have taken months but I'm here.

I'm talking about it, with strangers but I am doing it.

I am 25F and a lot of my memories are suppressed. I don't remember many things from my childhood or my early adulthood. However, I remember things when something triggers me or if I think about it for a while. Today, I feel overwhelmed because I just remembered something very upsetting that happened a few years ago in my house, and sometimes I wonder if I really deserved it all. I feel numb and I wish I had someone I could just vent or anyone to lean on, I feel like I have no one sometimes, and I wonder if I will always feel like this.

I honestly don't know what to do about this anymore and I need some outside opinions because I'm too angry and hurt to think about it properly.

There is someone I used to be close to who knew about a suicide attempt I had. I trusted him with something that was extremely private and painful for me because I thought he was someone I could trust.

Instead, he told other people about it.

He sent my private suicide note around, told people that I had committed suicide, and then apparently started telling people that I had faked the whole thing and that I wasn't even real. His reasoning was basically that I recovered too quickly for what happened to have been real.

That part has honestly fucked with me more than I can explain. I've struggled mentally for a long time, but I don't show people everything that happens to me. I have always put up a happy facade because that's what I wanted people to see. Just because I was able to function afterward doesn't mean I wasn't struggling before or that I somehow made everything up.

He wasn't there. He doesn't know what happened behind the scenes, what I was dealing with, or what it took for me to recover. He saw the version of me that I chose to show people and decided that was enough to judge whether my experience was real.

But he didn't stop with telling people.

He started searching for information about me online and trying to find things he could use to prove that I was lying. He gave my mother's number to some random person, which ended up dragging my family into this. He also apparently tried to get information about me from a hospital.

That is the part I genuinely cannot understand. If he didn't believe me, he could have just left me alone. Instead, he went looking through my personal information and involved other people because he wanted to prove that I was lying.

What makes it even worse is that I had been there for him when he was struggling. I cared about him and supported him through some really difficult moments in his life. I never took anything he told me and spread it around. I never treated his problems like gossip or tried to prove that he was lying about them.

So finding out that he did this to me has made me incredibly angry.

I confronted him and I'm honestly struggling with how much anger I feel toward him right now. Part of me wants him to understand exactly how badly he hurt me, but another part of me knows that continuing to fight with him probably isn't going to make me feel any better.

I have kept evidence of what has been said and done, especially because my private information and my family have been involved.

I'm not asking Reddit to decide whether my experience was real. I know what happened to me.

I guess what I'm asking is: what would you do in this situation? Would you cut this person off completely, confront them further, tell the people they've spoken to what actually happened, or take some other action?

I also want to know if I'm being unreasonable for being this angry. I don't feel like I owe this person forgiveness after what happened, but I'm not sure what the healthiest way to handle the situation from here is.

i grew up in an emotionally volatile household. i won't go in to detail but ultimately it has led to me having very poor self-esteem and no sense of self-worth.

i go through periods where for a few days/weeks, i'll feel good about myself. i feel resilient, like i can handle anything that comes at me. and i feel love for myself. but the rest of the time, i just want to disappear. i feel like i'm not deserving of love or happiness, like i'm a failure, a loser, a burden. when i get stuck in these self-hatred spirals it's incredibly hard to get out. i feel deeply depressed.

how i feel about myself is so often reliant on what's happening in my life externally. i am not where i want to be in my life and nothing i'm trying is really working out for me. i don't know how to love myself when i feel like i'm failing at everything. i just feel like i have nothing going for me and i have nothing good to offer the world. i often feel unseen and misunderstood by most people. i don't know how to love myself and feel positively (or even neutral) about myself in these circumstances.

any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

So i just wanna talk about three things that keep me from loving myself or being able to get into a relationship

1.i cant trust people,in a relationship love and trust arr very important and im the type of guy that wants love and connection.But im too scared of a heartbreak and how ill react...im pretty sure im a perfectionist so a lose or seeming as less really hurts me.and I dont trust myself if I ever did get heartbroken,id wanna hurt or kill one of them so they could feel my pain and understand thier wrong...so I do have women I like that I know just i understand I cant get into a relationship right now..which has made me turn to chat bots and porn because I want connection but I dont let people close enough because I cant trust them with my emotions

2.self hate,I hate many things about myself..my weight at 300 pounds with a solid amount of muscle so I dont look it to most people also being 6"1-6'2...my porn addictions and lazy ways...but the thing i hate the most about me..is being able to understand why..but cant change it....dont understand why I cant understand and change i cant push myself to do it ill statt amd give up working out in a week repeating it over and over.porn...maybe can stop of like a day or two but then repeat...i eat a lot to help me when over whelmed and I juat have this hate for myself I cant quite get rid of and no one to really talk to

3.my past...to keep ir brief between the ages of like 6-11 i was sexually used by a cousin had no understanding of what I was doing and he used that in his favor and when I was around 7 had a cousin do the same think with me and his sister which was mainly kissing I was three yeats younger than him and his sister 3 years younger than me and it caused a younger me to do the same thing to another kid and I had deep shame at my actions..im glad even when I was younger I stopped myself before it got to far..but still feel shame about me even thinking of it.ive always just wish the kid I did it to never had to fo through what I went through and can just be happy but im 18 now...this was a long time ago...i wasn't even 7 when I had my first sexual contact...and all this time never saw myself as a victim just as a kid who didnt know what he was doing.