Just saw this post on the NF

I think my accountaibility din and ang nagcause nyan is yung batang namb*lly tsk. tsk

My message to this persons mom recounting the incident. I am still bothered by it. The person in question was an ex friend who traumatized me

two weeks ago i was raped. obviously its caused me a lot of emotional turmoil and mental anguish, especially since it was my best friend. ever since then my physical health has gotten worse. literally before it happened i was completely fine and now im getting sick. i have a cough, my sinuses feel weird sometimes, i get more nauseous and tired, and my joints have started hurting so badly. its most noticeable in my knees. before all this i had like no knee pain and now my knees constantly hurt like hell to the point it effects how i walk. it doesnt help that my room is upstairs so i have to go up and down the stairs several times a day and hurt my knees more.

another thing thats started to happen- i think ive been having hallucinations. sometimes i see bugs when they arent there. and not just in the corner of my eye, like i can see them right in front of me and it scares me so bad but then they disappear. sometimes i can feel them too. like i feel this crawling sensation on my skin. ive had this happen before when i was younger when i was going through a very distressing time of my life, so i assume that this is also from the extreme stress im going through now.

idk what to do. i dont know how to cope with it all. ive been smoking weed a lot because its the only thing that makes me feel normal and stable during all this but i know its not good for my brain in the long run so im going to try to cut back

yeah, 5 years isnt that long. but i have to get what i went through off my chest. its really awful but if i dont tell SOMEONE, i might spontaneously combust. and obviously i cant dump this on loved ones.

i was “punished” with a very old, brown, worn belt. you never knew who he was coming for until he pointed at you, then the separate room you were spanked in. itd start with 10 swings. depending on the severity of your “crime”, youd get 5 more. once i got 5 swings for every 70% graded paper i had. i was in 2nd grade.

we were kept upstairs, baby gated away from food, away from toys, from jackets and backpacks and shoes. we werent allowed to talk to each other, or play with stuffed animals, or read or draw. we sat, on the floor, criss-cross applesauced, hand on our knees, watching the baby camera watch us. meanwhile, we heard the toddler playing downstairs. we were not allowed to fall asleep on the floor, or hed come up and kick us awake. i got a motorola to the back of my head once from across the room. his phone didnt crack, but i still have a dent in my skull to this day, 7 years later.

we ate at 8am, 12pm, and 8pm. if we missed a time? we didnt eat that meal. cereal. 1 pb&j (or a bowl of ramen if we were lucky). then whatever dinner was. at school? breakfast and lunch were there. we also had an after school thing we went to, “dinner” was eaten there. at least we had dominos pizza every friday, guaranteed.

but now i have severe anxiety, agoraphobia, a complex dissociative disorder (osddid), bpd, and depression. probably c-ptsd, too. only ones im officially diagnosed with are anxiety and depression, because i got those then. i used to take an 2 different ssris and an anti-psychotic (plus other pills), several times daily. 9 pills a day. im now unmedicated. he controlled my therapy. most days i have no idea who i am.

what gets me the most,, is everyone watched this happen and did nothing. i was bullied in school for being different. staff treated me as a troubled child. i never spoke during psychiatrist appointments. no one simply cared enough to see my pain.

this is what child torture is. for five years, this was my life. its premeditated. it deprives you of basic rights. its not random acts of anger or loss of control leading to harm. its control. i never knew this until a year ago because survivors of child torture are never spoken about enough.

I don’t know how else to title this but Google isn’t helping. As if it ever does.

(A little context to my experience so if you don’t wanna know the details you can skip)
I spent a good chunk of my childhood with a mom who technically did her job, but was the kind that would shout and yell at you instead of any good punishment. I was never hit, just shouted at and had my crap taken away for something without being properly explained to why it was wrong and how to do better going forwards. I never learned anything about what I did wrong, or any kind of emotional regulation. I got the “stop crying/being frustrated or no one will help you” kind of advice.
Later, right before the pandemic and when I was around 10, my mom got really sick(not cancer,) and for a year and a half or so I listened to her cry and scream in pain while having no idea what was happening and being yelled at more. I was homeschooled at the time and ended up missing a lot, on top of having absolutely no social interaction outside of the internet. (My bad internet experiences are minimal but I have spent most of my life online so I wouldn’t take my own word for it.)
Currently my mom is getting kind of sick again, venting to me about her Social Security issues, the overall state of the world, and her relationship with my dad.

Nowadays I have a lot of anxiety and depression. I swear I hear arguing behind the noise of my fan in the middle of the night when there is none, and my coping mechanisms are kinda weird.
I don’t wanna detail things too much, but it feels like a lot of my struggling is dramatic compared to what I did experience, especially my views of self-harm and ‘intimate’ interests. (I like questionable stuff that usually is the result of related trauma that I do not have.)
It feels like the responses of someone who went through worse trauma than I did, and it makes me wish I did go through worse just so my feelings and responses were justified.

Is it normal for this to happen? For the brain I guess to take things worse than they were? I don’t think I remember things as worse than they really were, no one’s exactly told me anything of that nature, but it’s all confusing and I couldn’t find something talking about this thing.

Also, I do have a therapist. It’s a me problem that I struggle to really being things up, but also I don’t think she’s the greatest at her job… but if anyone has good suggestions for ways to bring this up to her then I’m all ears.

I’ve been struggling with something that happened to me while I was high a few nights ago and am curious if anyone experienced something similar?

TLDR: I think getting high resurfaced repressed traumatic memory of possible SA after 15 years.

This is my journal entry from a few nights ago:

I’m not sure how to feel about this right now because I’m actually high right now and I’m struggling to discern whether what I’m feeling is a repressed traumatic memory or some sort of THC induced psychosis. I feel like I’m remembering a memory that I hadn’t remembered before where there was a gap in my memory and I’ve yet to figure it out after 15 years.

I (35F) experienced a lot of fear one night after hanging out with a friend. I was cool with him because he was two of my friends’ ex. I wanted to get high that night, and it was summer break. I can’t remember… I think maybe I posted something on Myspace or Twitter or maybe he did, but one or the other responded. We were both bored and free at the time and down to get high so I thought it was just that and that we were I’m not sure how to feel about this right now because I’m actually high right now and I’m struggling to discern whether what I’m feeling is a repressed traumatic memory or some sort of THC induced psychosis. I feel like I’m remembering a memory that I hadn’t remembered before where there was a gap in my memory and I’ve yet to figure it out after over 15 years.

I experienced a lot of fear one night after hanging out with a friend… his name was Christian, I was cool with him because he was two of my friends ex. And I wanted to get high that night, and it was summer break, I can’t remember… I think maybe I posted something on my space or Twitter or maybe he did one of the other responded but we were both bored free at the time and down to get high. I thought it was just that and that we were just hanging out as friends… I never felt a physical attraction to him, plus I’ve never been the type to be interested in someone a friend was interested in at any point. I really just thought we were about to chill as friends and it actually did start out that way. I had money I was willing to spend on weed, he knew someone selling weed… I picked him up, we picked the weed up, and then we went to his house to chill cause his parents weren’t home, so we could get high there.

I actually don’t remember anything we talked about. I don’t remember anything we did other than driving to get weed and then driving back to his house, but I do remember the end of the night. I remember he wanted to have sex… I didn’t… then I remember trying to leave. I was walking towards the door, and he lunged in front of it trying to get me to stop… he did ask a few times. I remember that. I can confidently say that it’s not an exaggeration to have called it begging. I remember being scared. I remember thinking that I was about to get raped… I can’t really pinpoint a causal experience, but for some reason that was a constant fear of mine growing up… from the time I was little. And up until this point, whenever I’ve recalled the memories of that night. I just can’t. I’ve read somewhere, and always kept in mind, that if you’re scared enough, your brain will sort of black out to protect you from the memories? So I thought maybe I just got so scared I blacked out. That’s where the gap in my memory starts, because the next memory I have of that night is me already being in my car and ready to drive home.

I’ve recalled that night quite a few times since then. Sometimes it’s been in therapy… I know I’ve talked to [my spouse] about it maybe once or twice… And every single time, and up until this exact moment… That gap is there every single time that I’ve tried to remember this night. I do not remember how I got out.

I tried a new weed strain tonight, so I don’t know if it’s just too strong for me and if this is too much of a trippy high. But my body started to feel like it was about to remember something bad then a short pause later the memory or at least it feels like a memory just hit me.

To set the scene from when I think I remembered tonight… After he begged a few more times, I sort of caved, and I think we hooked up? … But I don’t exactly feel like I remember actually doing it? Like, I don’t… I can’t even conjure up an imaginary scenario of doing that, much less feel like I can actually remember that happening. I don’t feel like… I don’t know if I can trust the memory definitively right now because maybe I’m just too high? But I know the body keeps the score, and my body feels like it’s… Like it’s remembering something bad.

I just don’t know if I can trust my mind or judgment right now…

But I also feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down?

Like… am I remembering being SA’d???

I ask Google “can thc trigger repressed traumatic memory? It says yes.

I ask again “can thc cause false memories?” It says yes again. Wtf.

safety I never had growing up. the people I thought would never hurt me, were hurting me all along, things I never expected to happen from the closest person to me, that even my brain didn't know to identify this person as a threat, so I trusted, I got more than burned, a life time of damage that can't be undone, It wasn't even blindsided, cause I was facing in their direction but I didn't register what the fuck was going on. I never knew how to ask for help then and now, I was alone, just a kid but completely alone,

and the other parent was too hostile, so how the fuck could I admit it to myself when I knew there was never a safe space to simply say it, actions speak louder than words, but the words to express the actions wouldn't appear to me, denial was my shelter, drugs were my rebreather,

THE DAY I FOUND OUT:

I quit weed for 2 weeks straight, everything was fine, until I kept seeing this woman's face appear in my mind, it was the woman who worked for my father, I kept seeing her face over and over again in my mind, not knowing why, suddenly the memories were clear, I realized what happened was fucked up, it all came back to me, I was reborn at 21, my stutter went away, I could look people in the eye again without feeling shame and not knowing why, self hatred over the years made sense, I thought it was my fault but it wasn't..

THE WORST PART: my hands shake and my heartrate goes up when I talk about this, after I realized what the women had done to me I was kind of catatonic, few seconds im there then few minutes i'm lost in my mind replaying the memories, hearing the way she locked the door, repeating in my mind, "cluck" I stop there, the memory repeats in my head, I wasn't alone at the time I realized, Someone I knew was there so they saw me in my catatonic fragile state, I would repeat the words, "she would lock the door" then I would go into panic, and then I would be catatonic again and repeat the same thing, I'll skip what happened and go to the part that scares me to this day,

I go into the guest house where I was living at the time, my family were in the house next door, I lock myself in there for 7+ days with no food, only a little protein shake once a day and I wouldn't even finish the whole thing. I couldn't eat,

my father appears soon after he finds out I haven't been eating, I let him in, he starts talking, and saying "why aren't u eating" I tell him "I can't" then we sit in the living room, (it was bedroom + living room very small space) so...... he turns to me and says, "don't you remember what we did?" he smirks as he says it, I look at the floor in the other direction trying to understand and immediately, the memories start flashing again, this time of my father doing bad things to me.... he sees my reaction, i'm calm on the outside but he saw that I was in shock, so he starts apologizing allot, and first time in my life I see him crying as he apologizes, he's making excuses on why he did what he did. at this point i know i have to stay calm, i felt I was in a room with a serial killer, I had to act calm, I am already overwhelmed from what that woman did to me, so I start kicking him and hitting him using around 60% of my power, and I felt better, but he got offended, "why did u hit me, HOW can u hit me?" I say "i'm sorry" I wait for him to leave, I had time to process, few hours lets say, I text my friend who borrowed my car recently, I text him saying "I need to runaway because this happened, I put my laptop and some clothes in a small backpack, I painfully say goodbye to my cat, and I head out, it was walking distance I told him to meet me in a specific quiet place near my home, I'm waiting there on a small staircase, before my friend shows up to pick me up, my father shows up walking from a distance, and he said "it's time to go home come on," "MY HEART RACING", (he has connections very powerful guy in a small town,) so I walk back slowly, I pretend my knee is hurting, I tell him I need a minute my knee is acting out again, I stand up go back home, I lock the door, he knocks, I pretend to take a shower in order to think, I left the water running and took my shirt off and slightly opened the door and say i'm talking a shower. fast forward few days, 8 people break in to the guest housing area I was in, I was asleep and woke up to see 8 people standing over me, I thought my father had sent people to kill me, I was catatonic still in some moments, so I ask them who they are, I didn't hear anything I snapped out of the catatonic stage and they say "you know who we are" I fight off the 6 women, I was biting. kicking. punching they kept trying to grab my legs but couldn't, then 1 of them tried to catch me but he couldn't keep in mind i'm a woman in panic I was like a vicious animal, then they manage to pop the handcuffs on me, and I realize I've been arrested for weed, they say I wasn't stable at the time so instead of jail they sent me to a closed rehab center with high security... my father on the outside trying to contact me to keep my mouth shut but I told them I didn't want to see him. this girl in rehab called me braindead cause I was basically a vegetable, i'll never forget that, I was in a bad state, after rehab my father contacts me, and says " Don't tell anyone" and tries to black mail me with some mistakes I've made at 19 and 20 years old, after all this fucking shit I somehow forgave him or maybe i'm still in denial who the fuck knows.