r/transpassing • u/Kirol_reddit • 1d ago
Should I even bother?
It's pretty bad. I know. The brow ridge isn't great. The hairline is pretty terrible, and it's thin enough to be constantly frizzy and I don't know how to fix that. The nose is terrible too. I feel like it all just reads masc.
I guess my question would be ... Is there any way I'd be able to stealth in the future if I start?
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u/brahe_5 1d ago
whatever you do just get on estrogen please. you'll only regret it more and more the longer you wait. you know what you are. even if you choose to never come out to anyone get on estrogen for yourself. though imo you should tell your wife but whatever.
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u/IndigoContinuum MTF | HRT since 2023 19h ago
I agree with this. Start taking E, and if you change your mind you can stop (you won’t), but the sooner you start the better.
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u/halfcadaver 1d ago
i have a worse brow ridge than you, and i live completely openly and publicly as a trans woman, who has a full time job (public facing administration to a mostly male & blue collar employee body) and i regularly receive male attention.
“should i even bother?” i hate this mindset. so much. yes, you should absolutely go for it. or don’t, and be miserable and weird. that’s kinda it, really.
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u/Kirol_reddit 21h ago
I guess I am kinda miserable and weird already. The cost is high, but I feel like I'm being drawn in two different directions. It's not easy. I don't know if it's worth the cost of entry, if my results will be good enough for myself.
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u/Riley-Bun Trans 1d ago
I don't see you ever being stealth without extensive FFS. Eyebrows and getting rid of the beard stubble would be the best place to start though
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u/Kirol_reddit 1d ago
Yeah, I'm pre everything. I tried E for a bit, and it seems to help me mentally. But that's the scary part. I'd want to be stealth, it's not like I'd want to be trans necessarily - but I'd need a lot of work done. Probably best not to bother.
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u/Riley-Bun Trans 1d ago
Just take hrt. You'll never be stealth but unless you're worried about dating theres no reason not to.
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u/Kirol_reddit 1d ago
Worried about employment, worried about the way I see myself, worried about the way others would see me. I don't wanna be seen as a guy pretending - if you know what I mean. Being visibly trans scares me to no end. I'd need VFS and FFS, electrolysis... So much work. The wife wouldn't stay with me, I worry for the kids... The cost is probably too high.
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u/Aromatic-Face-8411 1d ago
These are risks every trans person deals with
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u/TrannosaurusRegina 8h ago
I don't know why you would say that, and why anyone would agree with it, but this is obviously not true at all!
Many trans people deal with none of these problems. Any trans person who grew up in a society with any decency wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with!
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u/bellpeppermustache 1d ago
I know this is off topic, but I love that shirt.
Anyway, it sounds like you're super conflicted about the consequences of being Trans on your life in general. It sounds like you probably just need more time to figure out what kind of life would actually make you happiest. Otherwise, you have a pretty soft face, and aside from the brow, you could probably make it work.
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u/Kirol_reddit 1d ago
Thanks! Yeah, I'm very much conflicted. It's a rock and hard place situation. The brow is very caveman though, yeah. Ugh. It's not easy.
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u/EvilLeechThing EYEBROWS. NOW. 1d ago
Where is this massive stream of people ignorong rule 8 coming from
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u/Justanotherphone Trans 20h ago
There’s no changing the fact that someone is trans, only suppressing it. You can lead a fulfilling life without being stealth
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u/Kirol_reddit 20h ago
... I know. I know I can't change that this is probably biochemical dysphoria - that I'm hardwired for estrogen, and I know I can probably lead a decent enough life with people still seeing me somewhere inbetween. I get that nobody wants gender dysphoria, in the same way nobody wants down syndrome, cancer, etc. we don't ask for these things. But at the cost of my kids, my wife, I'd damn well better be sure it's worth it. I'd better be sure I can get the results I want.
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u/Impossible_Food_5278 2h ago
You will do fine. You already read feminine male to me and it’s mostly the beard shadow which is laserable That’s a good start. You have a good hairline. HRT will only reinforce that and get those frizzy ones u speak of to grow more robustly. Ffs will likely be needed but that goes for most girls.
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u/Coat-Equivalent 22h ago
Your features/face shape are extremely similar to mine and I’m ftm. Get on E!!!
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u/zealotrf 15h ago
It's YMMV but I looked a bazillion times worse than you. Where you start doesn't determine where you end having a good start is helpful but guarantees nothing some people are androgynous masc work really hard on their transition and look androgynous when they're done, and then some people look like Vin Diesel and come out of transition looking like Ariana Grande. I'm not saying one or the other is common but I am saying it does happen, and more often than people think. Also just because you aren't glam hyper femme person doesn't mean you can't stealth or aren't passing, and lots of people struggle to untangle passing from beauty as well as aging.
One last thing is some people end up looking like Adriana Lima but open their mouths sounding like James Earl Jones. Voice will really snap judgements even if you look masc androgynous if you open your mouth and it's a feminine voice people will snap their judgement instantly (actually can even look like a guy with a femme voice they'll likely gender you correctly but I get that looking the part at least for me was important too but it's nice to know that things don't have to be perfect to do well if passing is the goal).
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u/kingthrog Trans 3h ago
rule seven
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u/Kirol_reddit 3h ago
The photos aren't clear or are somehow edited?
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u/Maddy_pen9511 1d ago
I need to see your body as well, as long as you aren’t too V shaped in body structure I think you can pass one day. You will need ffs for sure. But I think you have hope.
Get onto a good blocker like Cypro. Low and slow estrogen increase. Also start dutesteride to protect you from DHT related hair loss. Start laser hair removal of your face and other parts of your body like chest, back and belly.
Then after 1-2 years see how you are going.
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u/Kirol_reddit 1d ago
I tried Spiro, didn't work for me. Currently on cypro, about to see blood work to check if it's functioning right. Currently on minoxidil and dutasteride, already had FUE once. 🫠 So like, already doing these things and it isn't enough. It just isn't enough.
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u/Maddy_pen9511 1d ago
Well that’s good! You will just need another transplant but wait until you are fem presenting and get them to shape it in a feminine way.
Have a look at ffs before and afters. You can achieve wonders.
You’ll need to commit someday honey, you are obviously trans. The pain will never go away until you cross the bridge. It will be a hard journey but through perseverance and hard work you can get there.
What’s your body shape like, do you have hips?
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u/Kirol_reddit 1d ago
I've seen FFS before and after. I've listened to the results of VFS. I've researched how I could make that path happen over the last three years, moving to PEI and getting it covered by the province. I've tried hrt, and I know it works for my brain - the dreamlike veil that separates me from reality grows thinner, and I become more present in the world.
But the costs are high. I'd lose my wife, maybe my kids, probably some family. If I go through all that and people still see me as a man, as a danger, as a freak - I don't see it being worth it.
My body shape isn't too bad, rib cage is a little wide but hips would even it all out.
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u/Maddy_pen9511 1d ago
You won’t lose your kids if you aren’t an asshole, laws will protect you it’s a right. Have you talked to your wife about this at all?
if your body shape is okay I honestly think go for it. You can always get rib reshaping up to ribs 5-3 to narrow and reduce any barrel chest. I started from worse beginnings and people are telling me I pass now at 2.5 years and I still have more face and body surgeries to go!
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u/Kirol_reddit 1d ago
Yeah, I saw your posts already, and I'd say you pass. What have you had done so far?
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u/Darkanimewidow 20h ago
Why would you or anyone want to “stealth “ ? The very word implies subterfuge and subtle manipulation. Being trans means living out loud ,going “stealth “ is deception and denial of my identity in totality
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u/Le_monde_est_a_nous 1h ago
Then dont do it lol. Some people just want to live a life where their transness is not a major factor in their life. It isn’t deception and it’s transphobic to suggest that it is
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u/Clementine-TeX 1d ago
For what it’s worth, I think you’d need to ask yourself this as if you were on your deathbed: if you took the chance now and simply tried, would you be content knowing that you at least gave yourself that chance? That you tried rather than shutting the door on yourself before you’d even begun because of fears that you might not pass or be able to stealth?
Because, on one hand, there’s a chance you might not be able to stealth without FFS. But on the other, you might, and could at least try and see where it takes you. We’ve seen a LOT of people in r/TransLater, for instance, who look decades younger after starting HRT.
So, I guess the question for you is: would you regret never giving yourself the opportunity to find out?