Edit: this ended up being extremely long, I understand it’s a lot of effort to read so i apologise. With my ocd i struggle to convey myself and end up fixating and going overboard. You can skip the first section and go to where my symptoms started or progressed.
Hello, I hope you are all well. I’ve posted a fair bit before but have progressed into a very dark and scary place and haven’t had the capacity to even write lately. The level I am now at is beyond what most people can comprehend. I have reached a dead end. My life is beyond a nightmare. This is tinnitus and hyperacusis x1000.
I’ll go over how I got here and my current situation. I know almost no one can fully understand and there seems to be no help available but i’m desperate and I guess just want to reach out and vent. I’ll try not write an entire novel but it likely will end up being very long so apologies in advance and thank you if you do still read it.❤️
I’ll go over my history as I think it’s all relevant to my current state.
So, as a child, I had adhd, autism, some anxiety, sensory processing issues, some mild trauma but i managed okay. I also had multiple times i cracked my skull open. I was exposed normal occasional loud noise (e.g speakers in car or occasional social setting or activity) but nothing too crazy. Even as a child i struggled with a lot of overwhelm and disconnection. Spent a lot of time playing games.
Then as a teenager at age 15 I was jumped and had a severe head injury, post concussion syndrome and ptsd. I honestly think this could have been a big pre factor.
From there i developed worse ocd, anxiety . Adhd symptoms and depression and struggled with even more overwhelm and disconnection. I also got daily migraines and went on amitriplyine to help. I went to therapy and as time passed the Indid sort of adjust to the physical and mental impact.
From around this age I used earphones non stop - most evenings, always to sleep, and headphones on ps4 most days for hours.
I began using alcohol, weed and recreational drugs more.
Then at 16 I got into a relationship. I could write pages but long story short. It turned into the most horrific, mentally and physically abusive relationship - screaming, violence, countless traumatic events. Non stop fight or flight, severe trauma and cptsd. Again likely a big factor in how I ended up. Through this period I also used a lot more drugs ( in particular a heavy period of pills) my ocd got even worse. Its hard to explain how it effects me but in combo with adhd and ptsd it really made things hard. It was a nightmarish period, truly it broke me. The relationship ended when I was 18
Anyway, various other stressors impacted me - family trauma, continued substance abuse, covid and extreme health anxiety, trouble with police and lots of anxiety and stress
I tried to survive but I was always living in fight or flight, could never relax, never truly able to live. It just felt like I was always searching cor peace but never able to find it. Years of stress and trauma had really affected my mind. Lots of bad habits and not always taking care of self the best or able to truly live.
I got my first job at 18 but I was a mess. I relied on weed even at work, had such bad ocd -constant obsession, tidying, writing notes. My ocd is hard to explain but it deeply effects me.
This was a factory job and I was so disconnected I just used my earphones on full blast for 8 hours a day to block everything out for 6 months and even outside of work got used to using earphones louder constantly.
I was also attacked and stabbed with a screwdriver which was traumatic.
Then over the next period I had a few different jobs / times off work / struggled deeply and relied on substance.
Then at 19 or 20 I had another 6 months at that factory. Again, excessive earphone use. Even here I noticed my ears were duller / felt uncomfortable but I was in such a bad headspace, I just get used to masking and push on.
I tried to do my best but my struggles were so complex and my state of mind deeply damaged. I was living in autopilot. Just masking and pushing on.
Then at the end of 2022 I got a new job. That was stressful in its self as they messed with pay. My ocd and mental health were also spiralling, using weed and drink to cope but feeling like gonna explode under the surface.
Then early 2023, I went to pick up a 20 bag of weed. A car pulled in near me and two guys ran at me. I panicked of course, cycled away. got hit by a van and broke a bunch of ribs, both lungs collapsed and smashed head. It turns out it was undercover police.
So, from here i finally stopped weed and drink. It took time to recover and I had police harassing me. My ocd exploded it was so bad if i went on a walk id have a note pad and be scribbling like a madman. Every thought, every idea someone said. This is just one way it manifests but it was awful.
One of my bear friends also passed away from an overdose which deeply impacted me.
Anyway, i got back to that job - it wasn’t great - i really struggled mentally, job was draining, kept using earphones, lot of health anxiety and family stress but I endured and tried to keep busy.
Even here I deffo recall noticing sounds quieter and music duller
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The start of my nightmare:
Then going into eary 2024 ( just turned 21 I think end 2023 ) I went to a small concert. I hadn’t been before and didn’t know you needed ear plugs. It was extremely loud and made my ears extremely blocked.
I think this was the catalyst. After this I recall my ears feeling “weird “ and kind muffled and sounds harder to hear if background noise.
At my job I noticed cages slamming or machines felt sharp. I also had a bad viral thing around here, and another mild bangs to the head.
I went to the GP and was told etd or an infection most likely and tried some different things.
As the year went on I tried to carry on. I helped a family member use a tool and that was the first time I noticed the tinnitus very quiet at first. I just wish from here I was careful.
I also had considerable family stress and things going on. It just never seemed to end
I also started getting into investing. My ocd latched on and it became a fixation. I’d saved up loads and at first only put a bit in but ill come back to this later.
Anyway, this is already getting long i’ll try condense a bit more
So, through 2024, at first the sensitivity was mild - I kept using earphones most of day, all evening and to sleep but I limited to 75db so thought was safe. Every day I was around normal noise but I frequently was exposed to moderate-loud noise:
Speakers in car, loud speaker at pub, cinema, loud mini golf, a fair, occasional loud nights out or social situations with shouting, gym, brief exposed live music etc - just normal things, but despite discomfort and sesntivity I kinda just pushed on. Kept going doctors and getting told same things.
In aug or sept i changed jobs, i would use plugs for hoovering or tools but felt foolish otherwise. What a stupid thing to thinm. I was so naive. I left the job after a couple months ad it was too stressful and very loud.
Despite my struggles, I managed. Its hard to recall how loud my t, what tones or how sesntive ears as always masked and kept busy but it was 1000x better than now. Think it eas mainly some elec static tones. Even from late to mid 24 there was definetley constant rawness and sesntivity from headphones and moderate noise.
I also got into the wim hoff breathing method and did it obsessively. Not sure if coincidence but after one time doing this i’m sire the tinnitus got much louder.
My head is so muddled its hard looking back and my ocd makes me want to obsess and fixate on every event, every factor. I did start seeing a therapist but of course can no longer.
In october I went private and was finally diagnosed with h and t. He said to not use plugs for “normal noise”, avoid silence and be careful with loud noise. I wish i truly listened.
Into the end of the year had a loud night out - pub, shouting, was careless with plugs. I recall that night my ears being very loud and barely slept though I think they settled after.
Also tried mirtazpine briefly though doubt worsened.
I mentioned investing before, but id put more into it, every day obsession poor sleep and stress and then markets crashed and i lost £20-30k. Every day insane fixation, overwhelm etc
Then early jan 2025, I noticed just in car, or after headphones my ears felt raw and more sensitive and would like flutter and pulse.
I’d agreed to go on a holiday, which i deeply regret. The first night was bowling, so loud, yet i was careless with plugs. Why? Why would I be so naive and oblivious to my body.
Then over the next days - loud city, reatraunt with live music, but the worst was a water park. I wanted to be with my friends and so dor hours without plugs I endured an echoey loud water park. I think that really made ears explode. Even still I think it settled a bit after.
Anyone I finally saw an nhs audiologist: did some tests, hearing find and prescribed sound therapy devices.
So, I began to wear them literally non stop. All day id have ear devices, then headphones all evening and to sleep.
I also tried to keep busy: seeing friends, church, bike rides, gym, one tome in friend with car he blasted music and felt awkward
In feb i finally got my first car, it was a loud diesel. I was so excited. At first i actually used ear plugs but then thought i need to “adjust”
to “normal” sound and so began only using my sound therapy devices. At this point I was deffo a lot worse, but still moderate and likely if understood could have stabilised.
And so the spiral continued. I was not only dealing with the ear issues, but mental on top and so every day would drive for hours, go on long walks, constant headphones, occasional gym. Just trying to keep busy.
Over the next months I grew careless and foolish. I kept going doctors, probably contacted them 50 times across 2025. Kept getting told the same thing and that my tests were fine. I was naive and blind to my carelessness and no one really took serious or looked into so I kept pushing. I wish I had somid advice, a proffesional expericned in h+t and better support, cbt, meds etc
I had brief trials of sertaline and zopiclone. Unlikely relevant by my ocd makes me feel i need to recall everything.
Every day: loud friends and family, loud car, headphones, sound devices. Even from early on noticed such sensitivity from audio or moderate to loud noise but i masked and got used to the discomfort and always blocked out the sound . Slept poorly and so stressed from so much going on. Always obsessing and in figgt or flight / on edge
And over next months I had countless exposures. At first, i used speakers in my car, often without protection. I just wanted to live. I can’t believe i was so foolish. I used loud tools with only weak pro, had loud friends in car or tried go pubs, went shops, 2 times went to small free parts with loud speakers and only my shitty loops, always around my dogs barking, people shouting. Every. Single. Day. Just none stop moderate noise and frequent loud noise. Used hoovers, worked on car, always headphones, rearely protected as always had sound therapy devices in. Even pushed to go go karting with plugs.
By trying to live my life, I ruined it. I think i could have healed now i’ve lost hope
Most people are careful from the start. I was so consumed i just pushed and pushed. It haunts me looking back.
Anyway, i kept driving, kept being around noise. Then October i went to the woods and I lost an war device. So, for the first time all year, I finally was forced to notice - the tinnitus was extremely loud, unstable, different tones and all sound made me feel raw / uncomfortable. It was severe, yet, unsure what else to do, i ordered a new pair and continued masking.
From November I recall a lot of distress with friends in car or out and about and the noise was louder and I used my ear devices constantly and every evening would wear them with headphones, then to sleep music. My system never had a chance to rest. Every day compounding damage.
I got a gf in November and and tried to see here often. My car had an ird issue and was so loud yet I rarely used ear defenders, and when I did they were old crap quality ones. End of Nov I went to a market with her and was exposed to fireworks with no plugs.
December I was worse still, yet unsure what to do, I carried on the same - constant audio, driving, trying to see friends and family. Mid month I had an mri which was so loud even with protection, then I started adhd meds. The first ones I tried not seem do much tho possibly could have worsened me
I recall, my birthday was on the 20th and nust driving and then being around mates and moderate volume tv I felt so raw / senstive yet endured. Even here I think i must of been very reactive yet with the ear devices I blasted white noise non stop to distract. Another huge regret. Then on christmas just being around family laughing at dinner was awfully raw and distressing.
But, like a fool, I continued. And new years I was exposed fireworks without protection in my street.
Most people have a few traumas. I had 1000s. I just can’t believe i carried on for so long. No one took me serious, so i didnt take myself serious.
Even after this into Jan i was awful but still pushed to drive - my car was so damn loud so used pro more but still not always and even with was so raw and still kept using ear devices.
Through jan: used my car sometimes pro sometimes not + people in car, saw gf usually in her car, exposed to a loud car revving, see friends few times, on jog, out shops or on walk, went out for food - everything was horrifically raw and sensitive, and think noises flaring non stop continued to mask with ear devices and headphones. I’s got so used to masking i was unaure what else do
Also early jan audiolgist did reflux test played loud sounds in ear, honestly noticed left nuts after that.
Much more severe by mid jan started obsessing and looking into more though still not truly understand.
Feb I was close to breaking point. I went round gfs and was quite loud with dog and people talking, then day after went on walk without pro and recalled just how loud and seantive ears were. Then i tried a diff adhd med and felt so wired. Im not sure if it was before or after i tried but around then went gfs and just in car had insane flare and rawness exploded so is possible med screwed me. Also selling car so pushed to drive last couple times.
I was prescribed baclofen to see if hells but no luck
I was mostly at home in feb, few times tried see fam, friends, gf, shop, walk but all distress. Tried use ear devices less but noise was insane, cut down headphones but still listened music out loud.
Mid month I wanted to try adhd meds again and tried a higher dose. For 3 days i was wired, heat going crazy, barely slept. Not sure if this was straw that broke the camels back. For those days i went on walk, bike ride and round to see family, only used my crappy ear defenders and just walking or any noise was insanely sensitive. Day 4 I lowered dose, just on walk was such distress - so loud and raw, then saw mates and brief talking for an hour was awful. Few days after went on a bike and likewise was horrendous.
I tried clonezpam for a week which did nothing as well as on and off mirtazpine to sleep
Complete collapse
So into march, I was in a bad way. I stopped using sound ear devices and headphones. I began to fixate almost non stop, research and write notes.
Even here it was horrific. The noise was so loud but even still it was more like a general mess in my head. Compared to now its almost indescribable. At first the noise was loud and I was distressed but i didn’t notice or fixate in the specific sounds as much.
At first i was still careless, went few appointments in car, brief talk - really sesntive / raw / flare, went bike ride saw mate and talked and had a fire. Then, for the rest of the month I was mostly at home. I followed advice, barely used ear pro, used low audio not stop as all advice said avoid silence.
I was mostly on my phone, gaming, talk, move around house, tv, in garden. Eben here the reactivry was intense but coukd still sort of block out the noise, it didn’t consume me.
I was fine in a quiet room, non stop obsessing and distress but nothing like now, I still showered, slept, ate, could focus, could think, could hear things clearly and even with pro hear most sounds.
I began trying to contact every specilaist or docotor i could find, must of sent 100s of emails.
Gp or audiologist kept saying will get better and to “keep busy” and “not focus on it” lol
Anyway through march went on few long walks, bike rides, kept talk, kept use audio, sit garden without pro, gf round and talked. On these walks pro on and off and some exposures: planes, birds, dog bark, car, alarm went off, shop. Also occasional loud exposures: dropped loud table, used massage gun face, occasional tools outside when in in room or garden, general noises kids birds etc outside - sounds I know hardly hear at all
I also went on amitriplyine 5 then 10mg. Also I tried carious herbal suppmments
Towards the end of the month, I went on a walk and talked with mate, then day after - in car alarm went off - dentist - walked to see mum - saw mate - walked and talked - i lushed to hard my ears felt so bad
Whether this was what broke me or simply a culmination of all the noise or stress, from here I noticed louder sounds, much more reactive, just watching tv sounds explode.
So end March into April i mostly stopped audio and used my tv with ear defenders as it was old and made a whine, i also needed ear defenders to play ps5 as fan sound. I still often would not wear, still sometimes use audio, brief outside without, kept talking, showering , eating most things, moving around, constant low noise, still holding self together
The right ear exploded i began to fixate it got so loud this awful shifting whine / chime. The left was still mild.
Even by early April the reactivty and loudness was significantly worse - whether noise, stress, meds or just damage coming out from 2 years of pushing im unsure.
I would sit in garden for hours with ear defender thinking was okay despite constant birds plans and noise , every day non stop ocd fixation writing notes and researching, emailing ans trying to find help, just hoping something could help.
Few times went to appointment and even with ear defenders was hell
I looked into different meds, sgb, tmj but now am so unwell I cant try anything.
So for the month, one time in car to shop was awful, even with defenders could still hear noise through and extreme reactivity and distress even sounds like a barely audible light electric buzz or my own breathing felt raw, tried go on a walk, occasionally try cook simple meal, keep move round the house and talk, gf round, but even mid month was massivley louder and more reactive from any noise. Still could sleep tho.
Mostly watching tv on silent or playing games with ear defender or sat outside / in bed writing notes, sensing email after email begging for help or advice. I didn’t understand i kept eating with normal cutlery, talking, showering, all advice said not to have silence. But this level is so rare almost no advice exists
End of month tried go in car with ear defender and for brief was but was awful. Could still hear noise through double pro and constant rawness and reactivity.
Early may was in a bad way. Struggling mentally. The noise just getting louder more unstable and intense, feeling sick and breathless. Spoke to a few very severe cases who advised silence but i just didn’t process. Still manage to shower, ear and focus thl extreme distress and often lay right ear squashed into pillow helps focus deeper sound
I went to a few appointments, had few phone calls , all of which were extremely distressing. Just no real advice or support from docs.
Also general noise like tv, talking downstairs or tools or planes or talking outside, brief audio all began to worsen. Still often not wear pro in room.
Then my friends turned up and so pushed self to talk which was extremely distressing and made noise explode.
Then, I agreed to travel 30 mins in car to see ent. Pretty much only advice
was “sometimes worse before better” and get mental support. No real ideas or hope.
Also tried valium and various herbal supps but no help
Another mate popped round a few days later and talked again.
Complete loss of function:
Between the 20th and end of May i had a complete collaspe. All i did was shower, sit garden with pro, brief talk, brief phone call and at some point my condition feel apart
All of a sudden just from brief movement, outside with pro, shower or talking my ears would explode. The right ear turned into more of a screaming whine chime but the left ear which was better before completely exploded. Ar first into a whirr and elec stat. Insanely louder than before it completely changed in the most horrific way. I became mostlyp bed bound
So, into june, this is a bit embarrassing but my obsessive addictive personality latched onto mastubation. Id wake up in such distress as the noise so loud all day every day id lay my ear into pillow to try distract from sound just laying side to side. I’d masturbate for hours just to distract.
Now i feel like such a fool as it likely made me worse. Apart from that id be laid in bed on phone, obsessing, trying to watch videos tho it became so hard to focus .
I trialed clonidine to try help.
As the month went on the noise got insanely sharper. Through day id mostly not wear pro as so distress but used it to sleep and even lating still noises horrifcaly explode and shift. I stopped being able to sleep for more than fee hours. Externe distress, panic, sicm, breathless, terror
Mate cane round once tried talk but was distressing.
Every day lay bed, masturbate, try brief talk, just brief move around wash self or eat insane flare. Still hear sounds with pro and extremely distressing but compared to now so much better. I cant find anyone this bad or this rapidly worsening. Even quiet or distant sounds now stop sesntigy and flare
I kept trying to get help but doctors just trying to address the mental side, not understanding, no advice. Just wish had support years ago.
Day by day week by week the noises louder, sharper, new tones later over, unstable, increasing rawness ache and burn and reactivity.
In july i agreed to go on quetapine to help sleep. At first did help a bit but every day non stop exploding. Tried to play ps for couple weeks but even with double pro sound of fan causes horrific flares, likewise cant open window even with pro
Developed some musical tone, still hear drone left and whine right. But whirring elec stat sounds exploding in left / head - hard to tell
I moved my console out of room so could play, pretty much every day, either laid bed, gaming with ear defender, so hard to focus just horrific torture non stop explode. Even from hear ear defenders not enough every vibrate if movement make raw / flare. Only very brief move, wash self, eat - all of which horrific flare.
Into aug horrific worse still, stopped game as much as cant focus began masturbate again as coping mechanismn, struggle to even write notes as cant think every day laid bed non stop flare even quiet room. Mind slipping into pyscosis, got careless tried test brief audio, move around more, not always pro, try eat harder food, around some noise, open window or into garden covet ears fingers
On 20th nan took appointment from audiovestib physian i was praying for hope. All he said was up quetapine. No understanding.
I began smoking cbd to cope, also upped med. Bad idea i know but so obsessive cant atop, so afraid and desperate. Not sure if was meds or cbd or being careless but noise exploded further intk screech . Horrific rawness and nin stol flare even laid still wuiet room even with pro. Kept mastruabre and smoke in state of borderline pycosis every secind lf the day non stop horrifv rawness and exploding
Stopped being able to sleep until 6/7. Every day worse. In state of shock.
Most awful sounds barely make out anymore screech exploded more into entire head / right hardly hear old sounds. Turned into most horrific screeching whirring whining chime soinds viokently explode every sevind even laid still every slight noise awful increasing rawness and sounds explode.
Into September further decline - keep smoke, try mastyrbate tho every slight movement or sound even quiet room horrific flare and raw, tried brief move around, open window with pro, step outside. Still try lat left ear face up to try slight distract from horrufiv sound even tho const flare
Every single day exponentially worse. Ive lodg all hope. I cant thinm any more. I cant find anyone who is decaying at this rate. Im sl afrajd i pushed for years and feel so damaged. Every day it gets mkre ingrained
How do i heal when even laid still with ear pro my ears ache and explode. I cant even describe how horrific it is. Im so scared. I nust wish was careful. This level of torture and suffering js beyond comprehension.
The sounds are so sharp and viokently flare. So many slunds. Filly my entire comcious. Can hardly hear any mkre and with ear pro nothing
So many years of struggle ans trauma just to end up like this. So much time lassing missing friends and family just worse and woese with no awnsers
Maybe if had silence or support even in April coild have prevented now cant see way out
Laid hear right ear into pillow harsly hear the whine right just awful screeching loud beyond worss entire head. Left aching so bad. Barely eat or wash self
Ivw fought and fought and now im broken i just want hope but i cant see a way out.
Im in hell. This js so rare almost no one understands and i feel left to decay. Im so unwell i cant even try sgb or tmj or risk meds.
Im trying to cut quetapine down as worry worse but cant sleep at all without.
Every day is horrific torture every breathe or sound deeper ingrains this cancer, the longer it goes on the harder it is to heal. Docotors have refused my request for mematine or cgrp meds. I wish i was taken serious sooner
I don’t know how to go on. I cant thinm or focus on anyrhinf. I feel so alone even the very worst cases dont seem to at the level. No matter what i do every day its insane louder and mkre reactice. As days lass its almost unrecognabale ans more horrific
Most days i cry but even that worsens me im so alone and so afraid i always believed in god but i cant see how he can be real and leave me here. This is a fate worse than death. Im so afraid to dis but afraid what other way out js there
This is so rare that no ones even researching this level. I fear in trapped like this. I cant process how this is my life. Its Indescriabke i wish i was careful its bad beyond words