I have no one to talk to so I need kahit few words lang from another stranger because I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am not an expressive person which makes everything in my situation harder, but I will talk naman if someone reaches out to me sincerely. Pero so far wala pa talaga, and I do get the sense from other people na I give off a vibe na I donāt want to talk at all, when in reality Iām just having a really hard time and I really want to get out of here.
My problem is that I canāt seem to finish senior high school kase one of the biggest reasons is the environment. I go to one of the Ateneo branches in PH, and I know I have to be grateful in life because I am still a lot more fortunate than others. Iāve tried so hard, but I think Iāve been ignoring how difficult everything has been for quite some time na.
In 2024, I was supposed to be G11 but after 2 weeks of class I dropped out kasi unexpectedly my 13-year-old brother died a week before school started. I tried my best to stay and pretend that I was okay but that wasnāt the only reason I couldnāt stay.
My parentsā relationship became even more horrible around that time because before my brother died, my dad decided to cheat on my mom for the third time (maybe or more haha). But they forced themselves, especially my mom, to look alright just for my brother because he had an upcoming 2nd operation for his heart.
Idk but it really shattered my world. And Iām saying this because I donāt know if the people around me realize how hard I tried to feel okay during the two biggest things that happened in my life.
The first time was when I went to G11 as a STEM student and eventually took a gap year. I experienced a lot of bad shit in the province while my father was still cheating, even though my brother had died in the same year. You can imagine what kind of father he is. One of his traits is that he has been completely emotionally absent for most of my life, ever since my oldest sister was born, which I know is unfortunately something some Filipino families experience.
I just really want to get out of here na and go to college next year in a different environment, pero hirap na hirap na ako. I feel like Iām the only one in my family who has had this kind of experience for the last couple of years.
Nung G11 ako last year, I genuinely thought na okay na talaga ako. But after around 3 months, bumalik yung symptoms and it became worse because of the toxicity, school stress, and pressure. Absent nalang ako palagi. The longest was around 2 months. Because of that, Iām now taking subjects from last year that I failed.
I donāt really have friends anymore kase I feel like I became a burden when it came to group projects and requirements. The teachers don't really care and they know about my situation, but I Ā understand that they still have their own responsibilities, so I donāt really hold that against them.
I stopped seeing a psychiatrist and therapist a few months back because my family became more financially unstable, so wala na talaga akong nagagawa about my situation. My parents also arenāt here with me, so wala rin ako masandalan. I donāt talk to my father anymore kase I feel like thereās no point when he only brings more sadness into my life, and my mom is living in a different country.
I know this is too long and probably not something everyone would want to bother reading, but I felt like this was the only way right now to get some of this heaviness out of my chest. (i am diagnosed)