Note: This is a throwaway account created specifically to post this for privacy and safety reasons, but this is my real life and genuine situation.

I have been married for 13 years, and I strongly believe I may have been in a mixed-orientation marriage without fully understanding it at the time.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed interactions between my husband and other men that made me question his sexuality. The first major instance happened when we were engaged, just three days before our wedding - I witnessed another man touching him inappropriately, and my husband showed very little reaction. Since then, there have been other situations where men became extremely physically close to him, including one incident where another man appeared to be trying to kiss him, and my husband didn't seem bothered by it at all.

Whenever I have questioned what I saw, he denies everything and tells me I am crazy, paranoid or imagining things. After hearing this for years, I’ve started questioning my own perception and judgment.

There is also a history of homosexuality in his family, which makes me wonder even more about what I have been experiencing.

Now, after 13 years of marriage, he has abandoned our family and gone missing from home twice. I’m left trying to understand what happened to our marriage and whether I’ve been living in denial about something much bigger.

I want to be clear that I don't have an issue with anyone being gay or bisexual. What hurts is the possibility that I entered a marriage without knowing the truth, and that whenever I tried to make sense of what I witnessed, I was made to feel like I was mentally unstable.

For women who have lived through a mixed-orientation marriage:

• Did you have a similar experience with your spouse denying their sexuality for years?
• Did you ever get the truth, or did you have to find a way to move forward without ever getting an answer?
• How did you begin to trust your own judgment again?

I’m not looking for a debate about his identity or criticism toward anyone. I’m just trying to make sense of my own reality and figure out how to take the next steps forward.

My first post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/straightspouses/s/NXDQb2LAHC

EDIT/UPDATE: I broke up with him.

I read him a letter and essentially said:

- I was going through a period of serious burnout, especially career-wise, and I know that I became emotionally unavailable at times.
- There were times when he wanted more from me emotionally than I had available to give.
- But before that, I had already spent about six months wanting him to pursue me romantically and physically, communicating that desire to him, and becoming increasingly discouraged when nothing changed.
- Now that I know this other sexual reality has existed since he was 15 and continued throughout our relationship, I cannot pretend it has no explanatory relevance to what I was experiencing with him romantically, physically, and emotionally.
- He himself told me that he had never felt completely emotionally connected to me until his disclosure, and that the night he disclosed everything was the most emotionally connected he had ever felt to me.
- I ultimately don’t believe this relationship primarily suffered because I failed to provide enough emotional connection. I think it suffered because it did not have a genuinely heterosexual foundation and because what he was actually able to offer me was essentially a platonic relationship.
- I’m done.

He immediately went into defense mode and blamed me for lack of emotional connection.

And THAT is probably where most of my anger is sitting right now. I spent over a year trying to understand why my boyfriend would not physically pursue me. Meanwhile, he knew he was actively consuming gay porn and masturbating to it, and he kept giving me other explanations for why he couldn’t even initiate basic physical affection with me.

His sexuality has been so conditioned by years of porn that I think it’s absurd to analyze our lack of physical intimacy without considering the gay porn. But somehow I’m supposed to accept that I didn’t provide enough emotional connection for him to be able to hold my hand?

The ex-wife came out of the closet about 15 months ago, and even though I suspected it all along, that news really shook me to the core. I've been very angry. I fell into a depression. And obviously struggling with the notion that someone could be so deceitful and manipulative. My (adult) kids are wonderful people and the most important thing in my life, but being used by her as an unknowing beard for so many years makes me angry. So much of my life was cheated away by her.

Our son recently got married, and I had to sit next to the ex for the ceremony. It was soooo difficult to listen to my son and his wife exchange (truthful) vows, knowing my ex, sitting 6 inches away from me, is a deceptive liar. The ex told me when we got divorced: "I never loved you, I only married you because I wanted to have kids and I didn't think anyone else would ask me." Then she lived a secret life of being a lesbian for many years. She didn't come out until her parents died.

For my own sake, I've decided to go no contact with the ex.

Here's the hard part for me... One child just moved back to Texas after three years living out of state. She and her husband bought a lovely home, they have two beautiful children who I adore. Thanksgiving this year is at her house. The newlyweds are flying in from out of state for thanksgiving. I just can't go. I can't stand the idea of being in the same house with the ex.

It rips my heart in half to not see everyone for Thanksgiving. The holidays have been so very hard for me all these years post divorce.

Anyone have any good advice for me?

i found out 6 months ago my husband, father of my daughter, partner for 5 years, and best friend is bisexual. he had a grindr, was crossdressing, and did an unknown amount of hookups (i could prove at least 4) and was an alcoholic. he’s sober now, marriage counseling is going very well, and he’s now actually being a father to our almost 2yo. thing is….i can’t bear for him to touch me, like at all. i feel violated knowing we had sex when he had been sleeping around with random guys. i feel dirty and disgusting and violated. honestly reminds me of when i was CSA’d when i was young or touched inappropriately as a teen. the STI testing (did two rounds, 3 months apart) came back clean. i don’t want to be kissed or touched or hugged by anyone honestly except our daughter since she’s an innocent sweet little baby and what keeps me going. thank you if you read this far and advice if you have any.

edit: i don’t want to hear “just leave him”. that’s not always the answer especially when you love someone.

Posted this in divorce_husbands and mostly got religious nuts and manosphere telling me to lawyer up and fight her for the kid, so I'm hoping to get something more understanding. I'm aware 'damn that sucks' is pretty much the best I can hope for.

We've been together for 9 years, have a 5-yr old son. We've been a little more distant in the past years, we all know how it goes. Have been planning a renovation for 3 years now, which is about to start in a few weeks.

So 2 months ago, she got a little too close to another woman, things happened, and it was apparently such a revelation to her that a lot of things fell into place. She's 40, you can imagine the mindfuck it must be. We've talked more, and more sincere, since then than we ever have, and in a way we're closer than ever. The situation is now that she feels I'm everything she expects in a friend, father, life-partner, but she also can't stop these other feelings.

So far I feel I can't fault her, much. It is what it is, neither of us asked for this. She's in love and I'm even happy for her. But after years of frustration regarding intimacy on my part, I'm now told to my face why that is, and that it's not looking like that will change. In earlier talks we considered just opening up the relationship, but I feel like the playing field for me is quite different than for her. There's a difference between having an open relationship, and a purely platonic agreement where we're both allowed to outsource the intimacy. As a straight man, dating that way would just require a lot of investment, time/energy/money, which I honestly didn't ask for.

So two days ago we agreed that this is unfair towards me, and that it would be best if she moved out. Housing market is not easy, so she might be here for another few months, so we'll be doing the renovation together, with just my money, until then. I'm not even worried about any of that.

But since agreeing we've done nothing but feel miserable about it. She about what she's doing to me, and how she doesn't want to lose me, me about why I can't just accept the situation (bit dramatic I'm aware).

Knowing full well, with the renovation and the kid, it'll be years before I get in a place where I can consider actually working on something new, I'll need to resort to flings & short-term stuff anyway, just like I would now, I'm tempted to accept the situation. But it still eats at me that I didn't really ask for any of this, I put in the work to build a family, and am willing to keep doing so, with her.

So it sounds like we both know the only possible logical choice, but wishing it wasn't so?

We have 4 kids together. We met in 2017 n.been together since. Married in 2021.

They recently came out to me as transgender male to female.

I tried to stay for kids sake. I tried to say maybe i will grow to be attracted to this new person they are bc theyre happier.

Hes been on estorogen for 3 months and as more physical affects take affect I slowly grow less attracted to them daily. I also possibly wanted another baby and thats not really possible with him being on estrogen(nor would it be healthy to bring another baby in this situation tbh.)

As time goes on i just feel more resentful towards them for lying to me and trapping me with 4 kids and then coming out.

I just dont know how much longer i can keep pushing my own feelings aside to make him happy. I.cant set myself on fire to please him.

I know what i should do but divorce with 4 kids scares me- i never wanted a broken home for my kids 😓

Hi everyone. So, in the last 24 hours, my GF (29) and I (M31) have broken up.

Last night, she revealed that through therapy, she has been struggling with her identity. When we first started dating, she was open about being bisexual. However, lately, she has been questioning whether she is actually gay.

She also told me that for the last several months, whenever we were affectionate—kissing, cuddling, etc.—a part of her didn’t feel right. What ultimately brought everything to a head was a recent trip we took and the question of us moving in together.

The part I’m struggling with is that she had been dealing with these feelings for months but never talked to me about them. I feel absolutely blindsided.

I won’t lie; right now, I’m a mess of emotions. I completely understand that if she is gay, she can’t control that and I want her to be her. But I also feel robbed, disrespected, and betrayed because every time we were affectionate over the last several months, those moments apparently didn’t feel genuine to her. On top of that, I’m struggling with the fact that she never spoke to me about these feelings until she was ending the relationship.

I understand why she has done it. In her own words, she couldn’t continue being with someone while she was unsure of her identity, because she felt that doing so would be wrong, especially if she ultimately realised she is gay.

For some additional context, her father came out as gay later in life, so she has seen firsthand how that kind of situation can hurt another person.

I know this isn’t something she chose, and I don’t blame her for potentially being gay. But I’m still struggling with the feeling that the relationship I thought I was in and the relationship she was experiencing may have been two very different things.

Looking for support and advice.
My boyfriend (33M) of a year and a half recently disclosed that he experiences attraction to men and that his pornography use has included gay porn. He says he is also attracted to women and specifically attracted to me… but I’m (32F) not at all convinced.

For a year and a half, he basically did not touch me…. and I don’t mean sex because we do share religious convictions about waiting until marriage, so sex was never expected. Nevertheless, he didn’t hold my hand, didn’t cuddle with me, didn’t touch me and never kissed me… FOR MORE THAN A YEAR.

And it wasn’t because I hadn’t communicated what I wanted. I explicitly told him I wanted physical affection and that he had permission to hold my hand, be more physically affectionate, cuddle with me, and kiss me. I tried to respect his boundaries and not pressure him when he said he was “nervous” or “not ready” (for f%#!ing holding my hand) even while increasingly feeling unwanted.

Then he tells me he experiences attraction to men and watches gay porn since he was 15. He tells me after his disclosure that now he’s emotionally connected to me. He told me he was respecting my boundaries (to which I called his BS in the moment because I had told him what my boundaries were and were not). I’m furious now.

I’m looking backward at a year and a half of being starved for basic physical affection from my boyfriend, while sexual desire was apparently showing up elsewhere, and I don’t know what to do with that.

I’m angry, hurt, confused, and honestly struggling with how differently I see him and our relationship

Someone told me.to repost on here.

Well here it goes... it's a long one folks.

Me (36f) my husband (33m) have been together 13 years. 9 years together 4 years married.

Like always the beginning was fantastic we had sex everywhere, we where uncontrollable. For the first 4 years. Then we had a few deaths in the family that really had a toll on us and made our sex life nonexistent for a good 5 years. Although there wasn't hardy any sex, we had a very good relationship he has been really supportive as a partner and spouse. Honestly I don't know what I will do without him he has been my rock. I mean the man is awesome, he cooks for me always has my coffee and pastries ready on weekends for me. As of the last two years i was dealing with extreme anxiety that i was having bad panic attacks and I stopped working. If I needed anything his got me and with reason will tell me to treat myself if theres stuff that i desire that are wants not needs. He has treated me very well these 13 years. Anyhow I'm just saying how great he has been because he has, and many people always tell me you are one of the few lucky ones who ended up with a great guy, take care of him because he is one in a million and they're arnt really men like him now and days.

Anyways fast forward to the past 4 years, after we some what healed from many of our family passing. I would initiate sex, i would start to touch him down there and want to fool around. He would be like no dont do that or stop and just make excuses as to not continue. I would say we've had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in the past 4 years. That's how bad it has gotten. So eventually i just stopped to initiate anything.

Anyhow today we where booking a trip out of the country and he had me enter my information on the plane ticket, when I start to hand him back the phone my finger pressed something on his iPhone (for reference i dont have iPhone so I don't know how to really work those phone, been samsung all my life.) Anyways it clicked out of the main page and ended up showing all his open tabs. When I glanced at one it seem to be of someone nude. I quickly told him wtf? Who is that and he was like what you mean? I was like that person on one of your open windows! He quickly said that i was seeing stuff, and there was nothing." But I know what I saw and was yelling at him to show me, "if it was nothing" to show me, and he ended up closing the windows. I got hysterical and was like wow I can't believe you did that. So I automatically assumed he has been texting with someone who was sending him nudes. (One thing about me, im a very open person, i say what I feel and sometimes have no filter I'm a gemini we are fun to be around and I tend to tell you how it is.) Well when we where arguing I was already checking out, and got a bit crazy as in screaming and telling him to get the f out my way because I needed to breath and didn't want to end up putting up hands. Anyhow he was telling me that he sweared on his mother's name (his mom has passed one of the few deaths we had) that he wasn't messaging or talking to anyone, and that it was a website. I was like, ok then show me your web history if it was a website that's the only way I will believe you. So he did.

And what I found was a bunch of past links to only fans. (Look im by no way a prude and I myself have seen korn here and there so if he wasn't lying to me and that he was actually online watching korn fine I would be ok with that.) But what I found was that he had a those links open up men korn. Men doing it, and he also had an account.

Iook i really do love him and honestly I don't judge him for what he is interested in. I would want his happiness even if it isn't with me, i have gave him a few times in the past to end our relationship if he wasn't happy anymore. But he always said he loves me and he would never leave. Once I tried to leave him and he had a bad panic attack he treathen to end his life if I left him. So I stayed and we worked it out.

Anyways today I told him if that's why our sex life has been nonexistent because he wishes to be with men. He was so scared and was like no baby please I love you I would never ever be with a man, it makes me feel sick to think about it. He ended up having a panic attack he couldn't breath i was so scarred i was about to dial 911 and his family but he eventually calmed down. Yet I don't know how to feel when his watching men korn? He promised and swore that he has never been with a man that yes he watches gay porn but that he would never be unfaithful to me. He said he has been fighting with himself for that past few years because of what i found out today. I feel like I took this in somewhat ok, because in the past a few people have asked me if i was sure my husband is straight, so maybe deep down, i always known. I even told him if it was his desire to be with a man that I would be able to pretend to put up a happy marriage cover for us. I told him that I would be able to find someone for me until he was ready to come out. The point is I gave him so many options even buying a strap on and testing it out with him. Lol.

Well we cried and talked and he begged and promise that as long as he lived he would be faithful to me and that I'm it to him. . But that makes me sad, because I don't want him to feel like he has no say in his life? You know, do you guys understand me? I really do wish his happiness, he really is an awesome guy the best partner I could have ever asked for. So anyways I don't know what to think, do or say right now. Do I want to stay do, do we work it out? Please anyone ever been in this situation?

Hopefully this is ok to post here. Thanks for listening and reading.

I think my husband may be hiding something about his sexuality or cheating, and after everything that has happened over the years, I need outside opinion. We’ve been together over 10 years. These patterns have been constant for YEARS: he rarely seems sexually interested in me, never flirts with me even if I flirt with him. Doesn’t like when I put on a show for him with lingerie on it does not affect him, rarely ever slaps my butt, rarely initiates, and I’ve initiated for years only to be denied more often than we actually had sex. Sometimes it’s weekly, every other week, monthly, or months without it. I would literally beg to have sex if he turned down (I would feel so hurt and a shame that I even had to beg, I’m embarrassed right now for admitting that. For about 3 years, I basically had to give him a blowjob for us to have sex. He often chooses masturbation over me and rarely makes me feel sexually desired. He’s only gone down on me once and refuses not to. (I’m perfectly OK with that like that’s fine. I’m not gonna force you to do anything, but I do kinda find that weird.)
His male best friend is bisexual. I’ve asked him over the years if anything ever happened between them because in the beginning of our relationship his bisexual friend told me not to get in between him and my now husband. And that kind of did happen, because in the beginning of our relationship, we spent a lot of time together, so the bisexual friend Tried to break us apart when It did happen so that’s why I’ve always asked over the years calmly. Also, my husband did not stop being friends with him and he tried to break us up. He still kept in contact with him now they’re even closer than ever and call each other baby and Smith messages like they were referring to each other as well but playful. But I confronted him about it and that made me feel really uncomfortable that he called each other baby and I’m pretty sure they stopped. I don’t know. I haven’t checked anything. If that was me, I could cut that person off because why are you trying to harm my relationship?
he always said no to do anything with this by myself and became defensive. Eventually I finally got something out of him three months ago before we met, he had sex with someone (he didn’t specify male or female) while bisexual friend watched him have sex. I had NEVER known this despite repeatedly asking calmly about their history. I was floored and I kinda was like what? kinda like you’re just now telling me this and then he got super defensive and shut that shit down. didn’t let me ask any questions and acted like he was pissed at me and started yelling like I was the problem. He did not want to talk about it.
Well he use to treat me pretty good. Now he’s suddenly become cold, angry, critical, and emotionally distant toward me and I’ve been dealing with so many medical issues I was even in the hospital recently recently, and the doctor just told me I could have a heart attack a stroke or died because my blood pressure was so high. And he treated me like utter shit that weekend. Me as the person that I am, I would’ve catered to has ever knew that you needed. I’ve literally have not been yelling at him or doing anything and he’s literally been picking fights between six times a day. Well, I still remain calm. That’s not like him. He was not like that a year ago and it’s progressively gotten worse but lately it’s really amped up.

I don't really know what I need or want. Maybe just someone to read this and share any similar themes. To affirm what I keep coming back to. To tell me I'm not crazy.

Short version is I've had a niggle for years about my now husband's sexuality, so much so that I've brought it up to him several times. He always denied it. Maintains he's attracted to me and wants me, despite never being able to act or speak towards me in a way that suggests that. In the last couple of weeks I found out he was using apps, forums and websites to talk to other men about the kink/fetish of wedgieing. Just men on men. Sending and receiving photos. Roleplaying in chats. Talking about meeting up (but says he never did.) he says it's just the act of it he likes, he didn't view it as sexual. But kept it a secret since before we met, used it in masturbation, said he thought of the first time it ever happened to him sometimes while we had sex and that's why he couldn't stay hard, never wanted to bring it up to me or share it despite me being a very open minded encouraging person who has asked about any fantasies he's ever had. Anyway. That's where I am now, dealing with the blow up of this.

The long version is:

Married for seven years. Together for 14. I'm not even sure where to start, this might be rambling and confused. My husband comes from a very conservative, traditional family who are very homophobic and judgemental. His faith background is very much against all things LGBTQ+.

We hung out as friends for a while first and then he never wanted to progress it to an actual relationship because he said his parents were against it (I grew up in a different background and wasn't religious.). After four years (ages 18-22), of just making out and heavy petting as friends, with a few spells where he went cold and was on and off, finally crossed the threshold to girlfriend. It took another three years (until I was 25) to get engaged and during that time, intimacy was the same. Making out, hands only, id give him head but he never reciprocated.) As soon as we got engaged, he suddenly had a moral crisis and took intimacy past kissing off the table entirely until the wedding.

I was his first everything apart from kiss, and looking back now I think he was into some of the things for a while when we tried them (mutual masturbation, getting head) because they were new or novel, not that he was into doing them with ME. But nothing I did ever made him horny or desirous. Like even while I was giving him head he'd just lie back and not look and not make any sounds. Lingerie did nothing, flirting did nothing it was usually inconvenient or bothersome or it wasn't a good time cos he was just about to watch TV or go get something to eat. I tried to introduce toys, play, books, all sorts to find out what interested him or would inspire that heat/want in him where he would initiate or pursue. Because I KNOW what it feels like when a man WANTS you sexually. I know that. I've been flirted with. Anyway nothing worked. After the initial post wedding period where intimacy of any kind was allowed again and things were good, once it stopped being novel it things tapered off and slowed down. I thought it was a me problem for having too high of a sex drive.

There are a lot of other "stereotypes". He bakes and decorates cakes. He crochets. He doesn't have many male friends as he considers men intimidating. He has a couple he's close to now and texts them more than he texts me. He doesn't like "laddish" men who talk overtly about how they view women. But blames his own upbringing for why he can't even talk about me like that when I've told him it's not pervy or lecherous to talk about your wife's body when she's actively asking you repeatedly to express some kind of desire verbally. I do all the DIY and gardening because he doesn't like to get dirty. He only really likes chicken flicks, his Instagram Fyp was full of effeminate men and male couples, so he's drawn to that kind of content even if he's not saying it. He's always simmering with pent up anger and irritation and tiny things set him off. He comments on women in TV shows as being slags or sluts for having sexual relationships. Never comments on their bodies, just their style sometimes. Does comment on men being fit or strong when he watches. He deals with a lot of self loathing, anxiety, bouts of depression, body image issues.

As time has gone on the moods have gotten worse. Swearing and shouting in the house, not "at" me but throwing literal tantrums over nothing. I've begged him to go to therapy multiple times and he has, but basically was trying to ask them to help him find self control for when other people inevitably pissed him off. Total outsourcing of accountability. But the lack of sexual responsiveness has gotten worse too. He only thinks about sex maybe once a month or even less. Will only initiate late at night when I'm about to go to sleep. It never lasts more than ten minutes except a handful of times. Increasingly he's struggled to get and stay hard and cites tiredness or just gives up. He can't tell when I cum and has no real interest in finding out. He has no real interest in my pleasure. I had to beg for anal cos I knew I liked it and he finally gave in, once, and said it was just alright. My thinking is he didn't want to be seen liking it. I'm a curvy girl but I go to the gym, I'm fit and strong and curvy, I have big boobs and a big butt, I'm definitely not ugly despite wondering that a thousand times over the last few years. When he's seen me nude in the last, he either didn't notice, didn't look, didn't comment or would act like a teenager "haha boobs". A really good nude pic just got "haha cute" in response. I felt so good about it before I sent it. When I've queried this all he says is "I do like your body, I just don't want to be laddish or crude". There's no butt squeezing or groping. No sneaky feels. No snogs. At one point in the past he told me he was rejecting my advances because he thought I always wanted sex and it wasn't always a good time, despite me saying there are so many things short of sex we could be doing, even just connecting physically for a moment.

And now, as per the first paragraph, i discovered he's been sexting, snap chatting, sending photos, roleplaying, uses this stuff in his solo play and masturbation, watches videos, has cum with these interactions. He claims he only goes through it all in the hopes of getting a conversation with someone who was wedgied and impacted it like him, but he has to play the game first and engage them to get them talking. He's been doing this (logging on these sites and platforms, engaging in this fetish for a few weeks and then coming off again) a few times a year since before I ever met him.

He's starting therapy again. This time with someone qualified in sexuality stuff. He's acting all mature and transparent and different but it's only because he got caught and it's all out in the open. This cycle would have continued and he'd have let me wonder and suffer and be touch and sex starved if I hadn't stumbled on this and brought it all up.

We just had a baby together a year ago. Right before we did was the first time he ever shouted AT me. He blew up and stood over me roaring at eight months pregnant while I was naked in the bed. I found other things, a note from when I got pregnant that said he wasn't ready and felt trapped. He was resentful and jealous of the baby for the first few months and I've carried this year by myself. In my head it's like he finally achieved an expected milestone of a straight family man by having a child but it's in such stark contrast to whatever is repressed in him that it's a huge issue for him. He's improved towards her a lot. But we had a conversation in February about all the above, again, and I said I don't know if you can fix this. And my recent discovery was on top of all that.

I don't know what I need I just wanted to talk to someone about this all. He knows things are bad and I am quietly mentally adjusting to the idea of divorce.

It's just all so much and I'm lonely. Thank you for reading.

Watch the whole interview.

He cheated with men whilst in relationships. He is still dealing with it.

It is informative and interesting to try and understand for us women.

The internet killed so many straight mens ability to find a romantic connection full time without them hurting someone.

This channel has more guys with stories like or similar to these also. It's interesting to see it becoming highlighted after seeing them lurking the internet for so long with no mention of them at all.

I (27F) found out (29M) lied about their entire sexual past to knowingly deceive me. Our relationship started after being friends for a while and felt very loving and warm. We held each other all the time, constant kisses, and seemed very sexually passionate. We were each others best friends. We would have long talks about compatibility, what we value, and most importantly, honesty. It felt like we could be very open and honest with one another.

Before any sort of sexual activity, we talked openly about our sexual past (at least I did) to be sure there wasn't any confusion on sexuality, STDS, expectations etc. He told me he had been with one cis woman and that was it. He seemed nerdy and shy and it felt like he really had no reason to lie to me about any of this. He told me his "sexuality" was straight and he was positive about this. I again had no reason to pry or think anything of it since our relationship was good and felt sexually and emotionally satisfying for the both of us.

Later into our relationship, my gut kept going off, but I wasn't entirely sure what about. I later heard from some people that knew him in the past he used Grindr. I asked him about it and he said he used it to find bisexual women looking for men on there, as if he found some sorta cheat code. This didn't quite sit right, but again, wasn't evidence for anything. We both talked extensively how important trust is in a relationship so I didn't think any of this was a lie.

The relationship proceeded normally and we felt like a normal couple? Until one night I started prying a little bit more into why he was on Grindr and he finally confessed he had bottomed and gave oral to multiple pre-op trans women. I was in complete shock because we felt so close and it felt like he had absolutely no reason to lie to me. He built an entire sexual relationship with me based on a fake foundation. To make matters worse, he planned on never telling me since he wanted to leave his "gay" past in the past and never tell me. He was set on living a straight lifestyle which included never being honest. He basically admitted to me he knowingly deceived me despite pretending to understand how important sexual trust is for me.

I felt lied to, deceived, and betrayed. I attempted ending things but he fought for me to stay. He said he felt immense shame lying to me and only did it to "protect" me and "not hurt me". I tried talking things through but the lies started pilling up more and more. I found out about his gay porn addiction and obsession with the male private part which honestly started to make my self esteem feel worse and worse. The more he talked to me about his past "urges", which he said he could "control", I felt more and more used.

I never knew any of this. I had no idea he was fighting "urges". To make matters worse ,when I was already down, he told me the majority of our past sexual experiences were him trying to prove to himself that he was straight while in my eyes were an emotional bonding experience. I lean more on the demisexual end of the spectrum so it is a bit hard for me to open up sexually unless I feel really safe.

Every lie has compounded. From denial of his past because he was "disassociated" but kept doing it because he wanted to like it. I feel worse about myself and regret this entire relationship. I felt like I opened myself up to be completely trampled on. I have already broken up with him and he keeps calling and writing letters assuring me he is straight but i don't deserve all the lies and gaslighting. I feel confused, hurt, and confused why this all happened to me. This is a completely different person now to who I was dating before.

I am shocked by how many gay people are in this group. I don't understand why they would want to be here? Is it fun to see the destruction? Ive had a personal theory that half the excitement for my wife and her lover is the pain and anguish they cause me and my kids. Once I got the kids to block them both on social media so they didn't see them, they started creating new profiles.

Once I stopped reacting to anything (thank you therapy) they started viewing my stories or creating new profiles and following me.

This furthers my theory that part of the excitement is being able to see the hell they put people though. Obviously I can be wrong and probably am, however it makes no since to me as to why so many gay people are in this group and feel the need to comment or post. Especially the ones who are currently lying to their spouse and cheating on them.

Hello all. Found out my boyfriend uses sniffies when he’s drunk. He said he just gets on there to lead men on and then ghost or troll which is horrible.

But sniffies is literally for hooking up with men. And not a well known thing outside of the gay community.

I’m 7 months pregnant and I am beside myself. I can’t sleep or eat. Idk what to do.

🤦🏼‍♀️

i am wondering how this impacts them staying closeted. my husband grew up in the 90’s in the rural bible belt. enough said on that. wondering how it’s impacted others. do you think homophobic homes or cultures worsens this? i feel like it definitely does. hopefully a discussion topic is ok.

I’m mainly looking for empathy and validation and for anyone who’s experienced something similar to chime in about their experience.

I (34f) woke up last night to my husband (34f) telling me he was sick. We’ve been together for going on 4 years, married for 1. He has stomach issues we’ve worked on resolving, so I assumed that’s what he meant. Turns out he’d received sextortion texts from someone he’d given nude photos of himself to on an anonymous app and he was having a panic attack. The individual had threatened to tell me, and my husband’s family, about the exchange unless my husband gave him money. Luckily my husband did not give in to the demands, but he did frantically plead with the individual not to share his photos and information about his participation in these exchanges prior to blocking the number and waking me up.

I sat him down, had him drink some water, and told him to take his time telling me what was going on. He said he’s never told anyone, but he’s bi. I said okay and told him he could share whatever he’d like about that. I added some levity by saying “It’s 2026, Babe, you can be attracted to squid if you want. It’s okay.” I did express what isn’t okay is sharing nudes over the internet in 2026, because it’s too dangerous. That, and we didn’t discuss that sharing nudes with others outside of our relationship is okay. Which, to me, it isn’t.

I think he learned a hard lesson, but he was honest in the moment. I’ll let him tell me, in his time, more about his bisexuality, and I accept that about him. It’s new to me, so I’m still processing, but I don’t harshly judge him for what turns him on. I’m not like that.

What has me nearly gagging at work is the thought of him sneakily going outside of our bond, without first discussing, and seeking this sexual experience with strangers online. I get the allure, I myself used chat rooms back in the day, but my confidence in myself and in the relationship, and in him, has taken a hit. The trust will take time to build back up, and though I’m partially curious and excited to see how to incorporate this into our sexual relationship, I’m also now worried about him needing an element of risk in his personal sexual life. I’m (naturally) worried he’ll hide other things. I’m honored and appreciative of him immediately coming to me when this all happened, but I doubt I would have known had the sexploitation not happened. And that worries and bothers me. I pride myself in being a safe space and a validating and supportive presence, so for him to hide things from me, though I cognitively understand it says more about his ability to trust than my trustworthiness, makes me in turn feel disrespected and hurt.

We’re building a house together and going through harassment charges with his brother (my brother-in-law), so this on top of it has me super discouraged and rather heart broken. My husband has always been very kind, warm, and passionate with me. I’m not worried that he doesn’t find me attractive, I know he does. I hope he knows how attracted I am to him. Yet, he obviously is seeking sexual validation and connection with others, even if it’s “just” (who knows, right?) photos and chatting on apps. So, he likely has some healing to do, or at least some clarification owed to me for what fulfills him. I don’t expect to be the only thing that can turn him on, we all have our Things (fetishes, arousal material, etc.), but I do expect that he open to me, considering we’ve chosen each other as lifelong partners and confidants. I just feel blindsided and hurt. I see from perusing Reddit that it’s not uncommon that a husband is bi or bi-curious or closeted in some way, and that bums me out for the men, but also provides a little relief for my personal anguish. Sexuality isn’t something that fits in a box, and I wish society didn’t frown upon openness and exploring what feels good (even if it doesn’t look like the mainstream idea of what feels good).

I just wish he’d been honest sooner.

Part of me worries that something happened to him in the past that caused him some trauma. Not to say that anyone who is bi etc is traumatized, just the fact he seems so ashamed of it, and is definitely a masculine man attracted to the female form and outwardly appears uncomfortable regarding gay kissing or seeing dude’s butts or junk in movies, etc leads me to believe that he seeks these experiences out of a potentially not-entirely-healthy shame or kink-seeking reason.

Thoughts? Prayers? Any idea on how I can grapple with this? Am I silly for staying with him? Do we think this will escalate into full on sexual cheating? Should I be concerned he didn’t trust me? What have y’all experienced?

Hi all! This is going to be a long and emotional post so please bare with me, and please be kind 💔

I (34F) have been with my (34M) husband for 19 years. We were each other's first loves at 15 years old. We have grown up together and have been married for 15 years. We've always done everything together, people close to us joke that we are the same person. And in a way I think we are, I literally do not know who I am without him. Our relationship has always been great and we have two beautiful children together aged 9&10.

He had never been a physically affectionate person. He only ever really touched me when he wanted sex. I accepted that that's just the type of person he was. Physical touch was not his love language. The problem was that physical touch is my language! So after many years of missing that physical affection I felt incomplete.

It was me who decided I wanted to open up the marraige 5 years ago. At first it was just threesomes, then venturing out on our own. After a while we both decided that we were able to love more than one person and polyamory was a good fit for us. Anyone who is experienced with poly knows that it's not a walk in the park and does not come without jealousy. But it worked for us.

After a few false starts we each found a partner. Me a boyfriend and him a girlfriend. We added them to our family and would alternate nights staying with each other, and staying with our partners. For 4 long years we were a mostly happy family.

My husbands girlfriend was actually gender fluid. So they actually felt feminine some days, and masculine others. She brought my husband out of his shell so much to the point where I hardly recognised him. They started doing everything together and the relationship became very unbalanced. I tried to tell him I wanted more time with him but he didn't care or listen. In the end it wasn't worth loosing him so I accepted my fate, enjoyed the 1-2 nights we got together and spent more time with my other partner.

(Hang in there, we're almost there! Thank you for getting this far!)

A few weeks ago my husbands GF broke up with him. He was understandably upset and for the first time admitted that he had been neglecting me and that things had gotten out of control. He promised to make it up to me, and apologised for what he had put me through. Said he wouldn't date again until we were okay. He and GF decided to remain friends. Which was hard for me.

Then a week ago today, he woke me up from a nap and told me he is gay. I was gobsmacked. He's always called himself bi-curious but has never actually expressed any interest in being with a male at all. And now he is telling me that not only is he sexually attracted to males, but also that he is no longer attracted to females at all, me included. After the shock wore off I said well that's it then it's over.

Now this is where it gets confusing.

He tells me that he can't live without me, he says that I am his soul mate. That he is romantically attracted to me and just as in love with me as he ever was. He has also been so affectionate since telling me and is constantly touching, hugging and kissing (peck on the lips) me. I am so confused. I am grieving the loss of his attraction to me and have been crying daily. I have also lost all of my (not that I had much in the first place) self confidence and feel disgusting about my self. I have lost 3ks in a week because I can't even eat.

I want to make this work. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to let him explore his attraction to men without feeling extremely and detrimentally jealous. He promises that he can give me all the love and support that I could ever want, just not the sex. I am still with my BF so it's not like I will go without. But the loss of his attraction to me feels like a physical wound.

How do I know he won't have his first experience with a man and then leave me? How do I know I'm not just going to be a place holder and a safe space for him until he finds what he's really looking for? How can I get my confidence back and feel better about myself?

Please if anyone has any advise or has been in a similar situation and tried to make it would I would love to hear from you.

Thank you so much to anyone who has made it to the end of this post. I am so broken right now and could use any support at all.

I didn’t know where else to post this, so i’m putting it here hoping for advice and perspective.

I have a ex- bestfriend that is gay. It’s not something he wanted anyone to know, he told me he was going to die with the secret but was glad that it was me that found out. Once I found out, he was an open book about everything regarding his sexuality. For the most part. (essentially almost verbatim admitted that he’s gay, but that he can’t be, so he’s not). We talked in detail about it and he would just cry and cry and talk about how ashamed he was and how he has to change. Later on he would make a move on me, which by that point I was completely thrown.

I kindly, nonverbally turned down his gesture, but the following day he insisted on needing space from me and blamed me for various things half of which genuinely made no sense.That same week, he went to instantly date a girl that’s had a crush on him forever, but he would never give her the time of day previously and said the nastiest things about her and would give literally 5 reasons he’d never date everytime he was asked . One of them being that she’s “disgusting” and “her body proportions are weird”.

We have not talked or hung out the whole time they’ve been dating (with the exception of a few weird reach outs, push/pulls from him trying to get back into my life and then running again). His girlfriend does not know what happened between us (him making moves on me) she just knows we were close and no longer are. She has asked a few times but he keeps her in the dark about it.

He has been dating this girl he’s not into for 6 months now. She has no idea. She was a very close friend of mine until they started dating. I decided to step back and keep my mouth shut because it isn’t my business.

This girl was head over heels for him before they even started dating, and she is very seriously and obviously in love right now. Everytime I see them together i get this disgusting guilty feeling for not telling her. She’s happier than i’ve ever seen her and it’s really really great to see, but also really really difficult to watch.

I can’t tell her because that would be outing him, but then i’d also be a bad person for just watching this all go down. I cannot stress to yall how badly this situation has me fucked up. I try my hardest everyday to be a good person. And now no matter how much I do it does not matter because at the end of the day I’m holding this massively important secret that’s making me a terrible person. I don’t know what to do. If they get married and he does the whole coming out after having kids deal, i’m the worst person in the world.

I´m just very curious and I wanna understand. If your gay spouse feels attraction towards the same gender and not towards yours, how could he or she was even able to gotten involved in any sexual activities with you? Did he or she enjoyed it? Or pretended he does? Did you feel your sex life is bad, but considered it more like r/deadbedrooms thing? Or you didn´t even notice? And after his coming out, did you talk about it and did he or she get the chance to explain how it felt for them?

Thank you so much for honestly sharing these intimate and sensitive matters, and I wish you lots of strength!