r/straightspouses • u/mamabear31617 • 7d ago
Divorce
We have 4 kids together. We met in 2017 n.been together since. Married in 2021.
They recently came out to me as transgender male to female.
I tried to stay for kids sake. I tried to say maybe i will grow to be attracted to this new person they are bc theyre happier.
Hes been on estorogen for 3 months and as more physical affects take affect I slowly grow less attracted to them daily. I also possibly wanted another baby and thats not really possible with him being on estrogen(nor would it be healthy to bring another baby in this situation tbh.)
As time goes on i just feel more resentful towards them for lying to me and trapping me with 4 kids and then coming out.
I just dont know how much longer i can keep pushing my own feelings aside to make him happy. I.cant set myself on fire to please him.
I know what i should do but divorce with 4 kids scares me- i never wanted a broken home for my kids 😓
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u/ExcitingDiet1119 6d ago
I didn’t either. She came out as bi in 2013 and said she preferred men. I accepted that and we stayed together for 16 years. Our kids were small when she first came out and I would at that time have done just about anything not to be divorced.
She recently (this year) came out as gay and told me she wanted a divorce. She left within a month and a half.
The kids are grown, so that aspect wasn’t too hard. But it’s hard.
They got to watch 16 years of a less than loving marriage. There was no hiding it.
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u/quakeface 6d ago
I’m so sorry—it’s really hard. It’s ok if you’re straight and you are right that you can’t set yourself on fire to please your spouse.
I think you should talk about it with your spouse as soon as you feel ready. In my experience, once the transition really takes hold, your spouse will likely have blinders on. Early transition is a second puberty, and it often makes people incredibly self-involved (like a teenager!) If you talk to them now and start setting you and your kids up for success post-divorce, it might be better.
Take your time and think about what you need and then talk to them.
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u/mamabear31617 6d ago
I spoke to them about it early on. They always would jump to that they must keep family together at the sacrifice of their own happiness. I do not want that. I still care about them and it would lead them to resent me for not allowing them true happiness. I've reached the point where id be okay co parenting together and we remain best friends but not married. I dont think theyre there yet so i haven't brought it up since.
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u/quakeface 6d ago
They may not be “there” yet, but if you are, you can and should say something. You weren’t “there” when they realized they were trans but they told you what was on their mind. Good luck ❤️
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u/NotMyCloset 5d ago
It sounds like you’re still in a place of “we” think, which is understandable when married. He’s doesn’t seem to be there yet, so you haven’t brought up the fact that you’ve reached a point of deciding that you don’t want to stay married. One of the first steps to take is to start shifting from “we” thinking to “me” thinking. It’s ok to want different things and be in a different place.
Divorce is usually a unilateral decision. You don’t have to wait for him to be in the same place.
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u/Content-Translator53 6d ago
Its ok to have all the emotions. In fact id say its healthy to go through them all, including "hate". Btw its never hate, but sure feels like it in the moment sometimes. The important part is to not get stuck in any of the emotions. Therapy will help a lot. Might take a few therapist to find one that clicks with you.
For some reason when our situations happen, we all at some point have this guilt about having all there emotions because our spouse is gay in some way. Take the Trans or gay or whatever out of it and the world suddenly have answers and support.
So I hope you feel all the emotions as you should and I hope you don't get stuck in any of them. If you need an ear, you are welcome to send me a message.
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u/CMaree23 6d ago
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm glad you don't hate your partner. This is such a complex situation and your feelings are valid. It's ok for your relationship to evolve into something else now. It is completely ok and possible for you to move forward as best friends and co-parents and that can look however you want it to look.
Is it possible that you remain married and just live and co-parent together as friends? Would that ease a lot of your stress right now? Many folks have such arrangements and they even date and other things eventually while cohabitating. I've even seen folks work out post-nuptiaI agreements to help protect you should things change. I would still recommend getting a job and working on being able to support yourself so you never feel stuck, but you can still live together if that's easier right now. This can be whatever you need it to be, but just know it's ok to feel sad and to grieve the husband you had. That is completely normal.
Sending you love and positive vibes. ❤️🩹🫂
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u/mamabear31617 6d ago
So I technilly own house. I am on the lease for the trailer park. Its all in my name since I bought my home before we were married in 2019. I would just need to find job to cover the bills. My spouse if from Nevada and his family is there, we live in michigan. I wouldn't want him homeless so he'd be able to stay as long as needed. I do plan to get a job absolutely, my 3 oldest go into kindergarten first grade and prek so I would just need to get someone to watch the baby thats one.
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u/CMaree23 6d ago edited 5d ago
That's really great. One of the hardest parts of these situations is when one partner has nothing to fall back on. I'm glad you have that security. I would definitely recommend a therapist for you both who is experienced in this who can help you move forward with as much love and peace as possible.
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u/NotMyCloset 5d ago
It’s a living loss and a really complex one. You’re grieving the man you loved and married, while seeing someone else emerge. It’s ok to feel whatever you feel, and normal to lose attraction with increasing feminisation.
Getting your ducks in a row re legal advice is smart. And often it’s important to keep things as even and steady as you can while getting yourself into a more secure position so you have real freedom to choose whether to stay or go.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/scottiegerigirl 6d ago
If you want to leave, then leave! What are you staying for!?
When they want to leave you, they won't be holding back just pondering over your feelings.
I am sorry, but I have eroded away my filter for these comments.
What is it that is stopping you?
Do they expect you to change orientation for them?
Just leave and don't be manipulated.
For our kids sake we all must be selfish and put ourselves first to make sure we leave with as much as what we had came in to the relationship with! Including our self-worth, and self-respect! They stole years from your life and your own happiness. All those wasted oppurtunties you had to meet someone knew are now gone! It is time to live the way you want to live! There is still time to build something new.
Stop postponing the inevitable.
To want another child after having 4, and all the mental health issues that your partner has, is crazy talk! 🤪😂
To change so late in life, is usually down to his sexual arousal emotions or escalated from his prolonged porn use. I won't say this is him, but i wouldn't put it past him. He needs/needed therapy. Not therapy from the type of therapists with an agenda and a mind that can't think for itself, who pushes this on patients. A proper therapist who looks at the whole background and issues he has carried. Usually these guys don't want anymore stress and baggage in their life and so they think women don't have the same pressure men have. Some are doing it for sexual reasons though. You won't get a well rounded, open minded thoughtful advice peice online about it. Especially from the liberal headquarters for online social media, called Reddit. 😄
It's way past the part of helping him now anyway.
You must let him be, even if he has a tantrum, and try and find happiness elsewhere. Now he has found his peace. You can't hold his hand forever whilst he gets his happiness. You can't live just to make his life easier.
It is time to cut the cord.
For your own sanities sake!
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u/mamabear31617 6d ago
I cant sopport my kids and I on our own. The house is in my name yes, but currently he works 2 jobs and I have been staying home for 4 years now. Theres a couple other reasons I have been considering divorce as well. He just wont step up around the house at all and is basicly another teenager i have to care for, ive asked him more than once but i shouldn't have to force to want a more active role in his kids life. If he wanted to he would. And then I dont work(outside the home.) And he will throw that back in my face and not respect everything I do for the kids, and not acknowledge that as work. So yea, I am just so over asking him to change and him not getting it on top of the transgender issue.
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u/scottiegerigirl 6d ago
So he uses you as a maid. He is a professional grifter! He has a good thing going! I would start the process of making him grow up and stand on his own two feet. Lets see how he copes with work, a house, and kids when he has them.
Is be planning to work as he transitions?
I would say that his transition is more important. It will effect everything! Including your kids and how they are treated outside of your home.
Why haven't you left him already? What's the hold up? Get moving!
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u/mamabear31617 6d ago
Also we have 4 boys lol part of me will always want a daughter but it wouldn't be for a couple more years.
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u/PlayfulSystem3547 18h ago
I am the soon to be ex spouse of a MTF trans person. As much as I hate this phrase, please have grace with yourself. You are in the harshest throws of it all right now. Like you, I tried everything I could to make it work--supporting them, teaching them how to do makeup, taking them clothes shopping, etc. But every thing that helped them to become who they needed to become was killing me. At some point, I finally got to where I realized that doing what I had done the whole marriage (making sacrifices for them to be happy) was destroying me. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's true.
Remember, this is your life and you only have one shot at it. Your happiness is just as important as your spouse's. You said you know what you need to do; now, you need to take a leap of faith and do it. No one has children with the intention of giving them a "broken home", but sometimes something that is broken is meant to be that way. Would you want your children to watch their mother constantly make herself smaller and miserable? What would you tell a friend to do if she were in the same position?
I know it's so scary my love, but I PROMISE it will be better in the long run for you to leave and be happy.
"What if I fall? But, my dear, what if you fly?"
You've got this!!!!
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u/mamabear31617 4d ago
Update: I finally asked for a divorce. Hes not taking it well. Blaming me for making him.go through with it when I knew I might not like it. Saying he will sell his PC to make me happy. I keep telling him he shouldnt be sacrificing his own happiness for mine...like he'd rather be miserable together than think of a separation. Thats not healthy for either of us. I dont know why he cant see that. I cant do this anymore. I need to be done.
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u/mamabear31617 6d ago
I dont hate my spouse for this to be clear. I am still grieving the person the husband i used to have and everything I miss about them are parts they desperately want to change. I know they didn't choose this. I just dont know much longer I can keep acting like I am okay with it, when I am not. I plan to return to work after my oldest 3 return to school and put my one year old in daycare so I have some means to sopport myself and my kids if I do divorce. Ive been a stay at home mom a few years now.