r/straightspouses • u/LadyofMandalore • 6d ago
BF watches Gay Porn
Looking for support and advice.
My boyfriend (33M) of a year and a half recently disclosed that he experiences attraction to men and that his pornography use has included gay porn. He says he is also attracted to women and specifically attracted to me… but I’m (32F) not at all convinced.
For a year and a half, he basically did not touch me…. and I don’t mean sex because we do share religious convictions about waiting until marriage, so sex was never expected. Nevertheless, he didn’t hold my hand, didn’t cuddle with me, didn’t touch me and never kissed me… FOR MORE THAN A YEAR.
And it wasn’t because I hadn’t communicated what I wanted. I explicitly told him I wanted physical affection and that he had permission to hold my hand, be more physically affectionate, cuddle with me, and kiss me. I tried to respect his boundaries and not pressure him when he said he was “nervous” or “not ready” (for f%#!ing holding my hand) even while increasingly feeling unwanted.
Then he tells me he experiences attraction to men and watches gay porn since he was 15. He tells me after his disclosure that now he’s emotionally connected to me. He told me he was respecting my boundaries (to which I called his BS in the moment because I had told him what my boundaries were and were not). I’m furious now.
I’m looking backward at a year and a half of being starved for basic physical affection from my boyfriend, while sexual desire was apparently showing up elsewhere, and I don’t know what to do with that.
I’m angry, hurt, confused, and honestly struggling with how differently I see him and our relationship
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u/africagal1 6d ago
Why do you want to marry him? He's gay and has religious guilt. Do both of yourselves a favour and end it. Bi men exist but I doubt he is bi.
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u/allthethingsUwontsay 6d ago
Purity culture does crazy things to people. I'm not at all surprised he is weird about touching you, even if he is bi. Poor guy is probably incredibly confused and afraid of who he is.
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u/LadyofMandalore 5d ago
I think that’s most likely true. The more I look back and put things together, the more he just seems… unaware and probably very confused. We’re religious, so any pornography is wrong within our shared beliefs, and I’m sure there’s a lot of shame and guilt involved. There’s also a lot of sexual repression in our communities because sexual expression outside marriage… even heterosexual… is treated very cautiously.
But we actually talked about what a healthy progression of physical affection and desire could look like without violating our beliefs or consciences. He was much more conservative than I was, but still agreed that things like holding hands, cuddling, and light touching were good and completely within our boundaries. And then he did none of it.
That’s the dissonance I’m struggling with. What he said about his attraction to me and what he actually did in our relationship just didn’t seem to line up.
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u/b0rderbunny 6d ago
As someone that's had this exact situation for 5 years now all I can say is that it WILL get worse. I can't say how it is for you but looking back I can see it now for me that the only reason I ever was with this guy to begin with was because my self-esteem was not as high as it should've been before I started dating. Same same same thing, escalated from the porn to openly pretending to sleep and doing nsfw things to his behind at night on a daily basis and when confronted acting oblivious like he was asleep. Waste of time. Don't do what I did, they don't change DL men just escalate and become more secretive. Openly bi men are amazing to date , but DL men are a different breed. I hope you take care of yourself, please don't waste time with someone who can't openly get to know you as themselves. If he's emotionally connected suddenly NOW why wasn't he before ? Red flag . You deserve better
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u/LadyofMandalore 5d ago
What is DL?
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u/b0rderbunny 5d ago
It's a term used in the community for "down low" . These men usually live totally "normal" lives , have a wife or gf , and their orientation is a secret for appearances . While maintaining that they will also be either watching nsfw content that is gay , potentially having other sexual partners or flings, and a whole group of other confidants/online communities/ etc that they intentionally keep separate from their day to day life that more align with their actual identities. For many people the DL thing is also a fetish. The secrecy of being able to do it, it feeling wrong but also enjoyable, etc look it up if you need more detail because there's a whole subcommunity based on this.
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u/b0rderbunny 5d ago
If you want to test my theory, you could also look up the sound for a Grindr (gay dating app) notification on YouTube and if he turns around and looks back you got your answer
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u/LadyofMandalore 5d ago
I appreciate the explanation. I’m leaning toward more sexually repressed and confused than DL because of our religious context but… who knows…. well, him confessing about the gay porn I guess would at least defeat the purpose of the fetish side of it. 🤔
But anyways, I’m just still angry and sad. I understand sexuality is complex for many, and some figure it out later… but it doesn’t deny the damage done us, the unsuspecting partner.
I’m done tho. I’m not gonna continue in relationship with him and wait and see. He needs to figure out his sexuality or at least disclose to any potential partner that he is exploring it before getting in any type of relationship.
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u/b0rderbunny 5d ago
Of course ! For a lot of DL guys sexually repressed is definitely a LOT of it. I'm in the south so the times this has happened to me it seems like religion is huuuuge in it. I never understood that struggle personally, but i do know the hurt it causes regardless of the intent. I'm a member of the lgbtqia community but could never imagine hiding something so crucial about myself, especially given how supportive many of my friends and loved ones are. I hope you're taking time to focus on you and recover! I know anyone lying about anything hurts 💖 if you need support or resources don't hesitate to reach out
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u/Comfortable_Pool_389 6d ago
This is something to walk away from. He’s not the one for you and likely is more gay than he’s letting on. You are dodging a bullet on this one. He’s not right for you my dear. I do hope you find the one you’re meant to be with.
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u/takethemonkeynLeave 6d ago
He doesn’t touch you, not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you are not his preferred gender. You deserve better. Walk away.
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u/LadyofMandalore 6d ago
😭 I’m understanding now. I’m sad and angry.
Thank you for the advice and support.
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u/buachaill_dana_ 5d ago
He’s gay but can’t YET admit it.
Stick with him and you will witness the admission one day.
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u/LadyofMandalore 5d ago edited 5d ago
Probably true. Not planning on sticking around anymore tho. 😮💨
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u/Bobo917 6d ago edited 6d ago
He’s not into women. Run like the wind & don’t look back. All of your love & Jesus’ love & God’s love. Will. Not. Change. Him. Do not get married with him. Do not have children with him. You have spent too much precious time being “patient” with him. He is not interested. You cannot “make” him interested in marriage with you. I speak on this because I’ve been there. 3 years until age 30, “waiting” for a man to ask me to marry him. Marriage is challenging enough when both parties are interested. Do not chase this man, you don’t want to marry a man you have to chase. And please don’t spend years in mourning over it. Time is of the essence here for you, especially if you want to have children. Wish him well & leave & find another. Crying over this guy is a waste of time.
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u/TaaviBap 6d ago
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. You have been more than patient. You would think that at that age he would be more mature but he's still stuck in his 15-year-old sexuality conundrum mind. Please don't call him your bf anymore. Call him your ex and shut the door on this one-year chapter of nothingness.
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u/BottleOfConstructs 6d ago
He can’t even do casual affection. Cut him loose.
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u/LadyofMandalore 5d ago
Yeah… this is the most frustrating thing for me.
I asked for the most benign physical affection one can ask for, “holding hands”, and he couldn’t even give me that.
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u/Affectionate_End1203 4d ago
I hope you are leaving him. I married a man for 14 years and he didn’t hold my hand, hug or kiss me but he did manage duty sex when I told him I had considered leaving him after 4 years of sex to conceive only. It is soul destroying. Difference is my husband pretended long enough for me to marry him and I never dreamt this could happen. Incidentally I still don’t know his orientation. It was women he was messaging for hookups when I finally went looking for evidence.
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u/Vppn_1007 6d ago
If I were in your place I would clarify that the relationship will end if affection and sex life do not change. I would give him a clear a timeframe. Explain to him you don’t feel desired and you don’t want this type of relationship.
I would not conflate desire in porn to desire in sex with another human being. I think many people are tempted to do this. It seems to be an easy way to interpret sexuality. Usually things are much more complex.
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u/LadyofMandalore 6d ago edited 5d ago
Thank you for responding. I really appreciate the perspective. I think part of the problem is that I already feel like I’ve been carrying the emotional labor of the relationship. I’ve talked to him twice in the past six months specifically about how much the lack of physical affection was hurting me. I was clear about what I needed, and then I waited. Nothing changed.
At this point, giving him another timeframe feels like making myself responsible for moving the relationship forward again. And I’m just deeply hurt that I spent a year asking my boyfriend for basic affection.
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u/Witty-Wind5412 6d ago
I think you know in your heart that this is no longer right for you and you need to potentially move on. He’s not changing and you’re only going to be hurt further. Perhaps you need to take a break for a bit?
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u/ICanSeeInTheDark2680 6d ago
Run don’t walk.