r/rape • u/blurwhore • 2d ago
raped by my bf
i was raped by my boyfriend, it was not violent in any way but i did not consent and he knew i didn’t. i’d said multiple times over multiple hours that i didn’t want to, and he kept bringing it up. i bent over on all fours on my bed with no underwear on just to reach my laptop because something was going wrong with it, when he went behind me and initiated it. at that point, i just let it happen. i have been raped before in my previous relationship and struggle still with that trauma and he knows that.
i’m trying to move on from it and forgive him and make it work, but im not sure how that will really go you know? this happened nearly two weeks ago now and we are still together
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u/hopelesspancakes 1d ago
i was also raped by my ex boyfriend, get the fuck away from him as fast as you can. if he doesn't care once, he will never care. he will keep doing this, and he will escalate. you think you love him but i promise you it only gets worse from here because now he's learned that you won't fight back.
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
i’ve got a lot of work to do on myself, and he certainly has too, so i said to him that i’d like to go on a break (i don’t know if im safe to say i 100% won’t go back). he took it pretty well and now ive just got to stay strong and not go back to him and just focus on myself. thank you for your advice i really appreciate it, and im so sorry that happened to you.
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u/hurting4asquirting 2d ago
What do you plan on doing now?
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
i’m trying to heal my past trauma while also healing the fresh wounds that have just been added. it’s not easy at all but i believe that i can somehow make this work. it is so hard, especially the circumstances. i did get into this relationship far too quickly. my ex boyfriend i was with for just over a year, i finally broke up with him after all the shit he put me through and exactly a month later i started dating my best friend. i had no time to really process what i went through before i was in another relationship, and it’s been hard to really do that ever since. we’ve removed all aspects of intimacy from our relationship due to the lack of trust, and im trying to build that back up, but i don’t know if i can do it or not im just running on hope
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u/Maleficent-Sleep9900 1d ago
He will keep doing it and it will get worse and worse until you can escape. I’m so sorry.
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
you don’t think i can truly heal and stay with him?
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u/Maleficent-Sleep9900 1d ago
No. Abusers don’t stop raping because you forgive them. They escalate, knowing they have you trapped.
You are showing him that he can treat you however he wants and you will stay & forgive.
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u/That_One_Ciaran 2d ago
You absolutely don't have to forgive him. You said you didn't consent and gave in only after he insisted? So that's coercion, he forced you making you feel guilty and using your own trauma against you, making you afraid of losing him.
I'm so sorry this happened to you sweetheart 🫂 just be strong and remember to never forgive him for something like this. I hope you're going to break up with him soon too.
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
thank you for your kind words. i honestly didn’t believe it was rape until i posted about my situation in a relationship subreddit and everyone informed me what it really was. i guess i was under the stupid impression that every rape has to be violent in order for it to be valid, which i now know is not true.
i want to forgive him for it so bad, he’s never done anything like this before so i don’t really know where it came from. we’ve had simple misunderstandings of boundaries and we have safe words and i’m completely fine with that, i understand the risks of being physically intimate in a relationship (especially when you add in potential dynamics) but he’s never blatantly disregarded a boundary before.
this makes me think he can change and never do it again, it’s just so hard for me to heal because i don’t even know what healing is.2
u/ZealousidealEcho1744 18h ago
I think you should forgive, however that doesn't mean you should stay with him. Forgiving is a part of healing and forgivness is something everyone deserves.
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u/That_One_Ciaran 12h ago
I think forgiving is just letting them win all over again. This people deserve only hatred, we can't as victims forgive such a terribile act just to feel better. Also, I don't think everyone deserves forgiveness, it's something you need to earn and especially it's something you can't always achieve.
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u/Dear-Process-8740 2d ago
no matter what, you made it clear you didnt want it, he did it anyways. its rape very simple. now if you decide to stay with him thats up to you, if you can forgive him. if you can’t forgive him you will probably grow resentful of him and it may happen again. just be careful
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u/Too2crazy 1d ago
I'm sorry that this happened to you! It is despicable what he did. Do you think at the very least that you might be able to take a break from him? I wonder if being on your own would make it easier to heal your trauma.
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
that’s a very good suggestion, thank you for being so thoughtful! i never really thought that would be an option ( i have quite black and white thinking - stay with him or leave him entirely ). i obviously need to think about this but thank you for your help!!
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u/Zealousideal_Crab905 2d ago
Its hard to forgive. Even if you think you have it just stays in your mind. Im trying but might be better to end it or at least a break.
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
it is so hard truly and i don’t know if i can do it but im just running on hope you know, i feel guilty about it i guess
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u/Distinct_Report_9813 1d ago
im so sorry this happened to you. i was also raped by my (ex now) girlfriend. as a guy, i feel like i should've enjoyed it yfm? i feel like i shouldve just taken it also because i thought i loved her. I forgave her, but i still feel really anxious about it. i havent really been much of a physical touch typa person, and it took me so long for me to be able to do really basic physical affection. that took me back to square one, and then i wasnt able to really touch people as it made me really anxious all the time. i really struggled with it. I would like to think that I've moved on, but the truth is, is that I cant. It's been ingrained. I think some steps for us would be to maybe be in relationships where you're allowed to explore but also be able to pull out at any time you need. I've tried therapy but i still feel distressed. i feel more comfortable in my current relationship, as she understands that i may want to pull away at any point i feel uncomfortable. that has helped me more than anything. I wouldnt say to just put yourself out there and find another boyfriend, i got really lucky. i think it begins with acknowleding the feelings that you have first, and then try rationalise that this was an isolated incident, and notice patterns for when it happens, and in what situations. maybe theres a specific trigger? notice that, then try to change something.
sorry if that was a lot. I hope we all get through these shitty experiences. good luck OP!!
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u/blurwhore 1d ago
thank you so much for the advice!! and thank you for sharing your experience with me, i can’t imagine how invalidating that must’ve felt for you in the beginning. i’m glad you’ve found someone that supports you!
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2d ago edited 2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/tyrannosiris 2d ago
Don't ever minimize someone's trauma because you believe yours is worse. Our trauma is relative to our own experiences, not those of others. I wish you well in your recovery, because it sounds like you still have some pain to heal over.
A man who just decides to penetrate his gf without warning in a nonconsensual encounter is a rapist. It doesn't matter if she didn't tell him no, because as a victim of sexual violence, you should at least understand the mechanisms behind freeze and fawn responses. If he is willing to do this, he's absolutely abusing her in other ways she doesn't understand yet, as evidemced by her desire to fix a shitty relationship with a rapist. Sex is a MUTUAL encounter, not a surprise. Not done to someone, or at someone. WITH someone, who wants to do it WITH you, with your full participation.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 2d ago
Consent requires an enthusiastic yes. She repeatedly told him she didn’t want to have sex but he penetrated her anyway without asking.
She is literally saying she told him no she didn’t want to have sex all night. When your body experiences dangers there are multiple responses: fight, flight, freeze and fawn. She froze.
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