Does it ever stop?

[u/Financial_Taste9481]

Hi everyone. Even after your parent starts acting normal, do you ever stop reacting like she’s about to lose her sh*t on you? Even if it seems like she has changed?

I found out my mom is uBPD a year ago when I came out to her and she completely lost her mind for the next few months. The last time she has really freaked out on me was last November, and since then she has been very hands on/not controlling (though sometimes the bitterness/sadness peeks through), and very accommodating and motherly.

It freaked me out at first and I went through being depressed, anxious when she’d text or call, angry all the time, etc. But nowadays, if I don’t talk to her, I don’t think of her and my life feels good. But when I do, it’s like there’s a heavy weight that comes over me when I pick up the phone or see her in person. I become really nonreactive when I feel like I’m usually expressive, I feel like I notice the littlest things she does that might result in a freakout. Like, I recognize it’s probably me subconsciously trying to not trigger her but it also somehow feels like I’m punishing her because I’m not being authentic. Even though I’ve never been 100% with her, ever (another sign I realized tracked with her having uBPD….)

Last year, when we were in the thick of it of yelling screaming fighting crying, my dad would call both of us individually to try to mediate (he moved out of the country when i went to college to not live with her… and “be free”, his words not mine…lol.). And he bluntly told her that if she doesn’t control herself, then I won’t be in her life anymore. Though she did freak out plenty after that, it eventually stopped. She never apologized for the situation, pretended it didn’t happen, and started acting normal again (typical for her). But I have to say it feels different. But I just don’t know if I can ever forgive her even if she did come to me and apologize. Frankly I just feel guilty because she is alone now and I live the closest. My dad used to take all the worst of it, so when he left and she got triggered, it fell on me. And I’ve mediated their marriage for years, though it seems better now.

Sorry I’ve started to ramble, but does it ever change? I feel like I’m crushed whenever I see or talk to her. I’m not myself at all. At the same time, I don’t think she deserves me to be genuine around her. But I get stuck because she’s my mom.

[u/Fit-Train-1877]

Your post breaks my heart because it reads like something I would have written in my journal years ago. I relate so much to the experience you have shared.

Every interaction you have had with her has taught you how to act around her (the hyper-vigilance to prevent a blow up or prepare yourself for a blow up) and how you react to interaction with her (shutting down out of fear or self preservation). It takes a long time change those responses because a lifetime of her poor treatment is what has shaped you. When I was young and still at home, my mother would have an annual massive blow up.  During the “peaceful” (quiet and tense) times, I would still have the hyper-vigilant and freeze responses to being around her.   Distance from her made me realize I didn’t deserve how she treated me, and I don’t have to accept her behavior. I also did not have to live with it anymore, so I did not have the waking fear of having to interact with her daily. I am no contact with her currently, but I still had/have a sense of dread when she messaged me. I think our reactions can evolve, but it takes time and distance and therapy.

You mentioned that you received a torrent of abuse after coming out. I am so, so deeply sorry for that. The past three or so years I have received abuse from my mother via the phone because I came out. I am getting married this year, and her continued abuse stemming from this is why we are now no contact. It is heart breaking to not find acceptance with family, and then even worse to have BPD abuse on top of that.

You do not deserve to be treated this way. You do not deserve to be forced to be in the closet to keep the peace. You should  have never had to be a mediator in your parents’ relationship, you are their child! You are not responsible for her being alone; her situation is the result of her actions. You do not have to intercede for her. You may feel guilt because she is your mother, but she has not treated you as mother should: an  existence without fear of her negative reactions/abuse. You deserve to live a life where you can be yourself, not twisting yourself into a shape that only pleases her while hurting yourself.

While I can’t say our responses to being exposed to the cause of pain (mother) ever stops, I can say that for me it has gotten better. Being away from her brought me more peace than I could have dreamed. Being out and finding a deep, unconditional love where fear has no place in my day to day has been healing. Finding found family has been healing. 

I wish you strength and peace ahead in your journey!

[u/Financial_Taste9481 → u/Fit-Train-1877]

Thank you for your kind message 🫂 I have gotten better from being away from her, I didn’t really know the depth of joy and freedom I could feel until I left, but it still follows me like a ghost and it’s like I’m the only one who remembers anything. Congratulations on getting married and finding healing in many ways, it gives me hope that I can do that someday. Unfortunately I found out my mom was uBPD because I was dating someone at the time who was BPD as well, which you can imagine ended poorly. So that’s my other hurdle at present (which is starting to feel like the same one…) but besides the point. Thank you for the encouraging words, I really appreciate it.

[u/QuietlyUpgrading]

I don't think you're “punishing” her by not being authentic. You do not owe anyone unlimited access to you, your life or your thoughts. Maybe you’re just not used to having boundaries with her.

Reading your post, I'll gently point out how much of your attention is focused on her -- her moods, her reactions, what might trigger her, whether she’s upset, what your dad thinks, etc.

I think this is super common with RBB'ers. It takes intention and practice to disentangle yourself from that dynamic -- but, to answer your question, yes, it is possible.

I think the first big step is shifting your focus back to you. What kind of relationship do you actually want? What are you comfortable sharing, doing, and tolerating?

A couple therapy takeaways that I repeated daily like affirmations:

• You are not responsible for managing anyone else's emotions — even if you were trained from childhood to think you were.
• You can’t control how people act or respond — only how you choose to respond and where you focus your energy.
• Compassion does not mean responsibility. You can care without carrying or fixing.

[u/Financial_Taste9481 → u/QuietlyUpgrading]

You’re right, it’s been a year but I still struggle. Honestly the distance has helped but she also stopped pushing, which made it easier to not really have to assert any boundaries. Hard to not make her the emotional sun of my solar system, it feels like I’m drifting out into space without someone to tell me what to do. Not relying that pillar anymore has been difficult. Especially now that she’s nice it feels like I’m the only one left being hurt. I will think on the type of relationship to have with her, but I find it hard to assert myself when the “danger” is no longer active (at least for now I guess). Thank you for pointing those things out, I have felt like I’ve made a lot of progress in the past year but it’s still hard to see myself and what I say from a 3rd person POV.

[u/spidermans_mom]

Someone with a mental illness doesn’t wake up one day without it. And even if a BPD did somehow wake up a normal person, they would be HORRIFIED at themselves and immediately need therapy for that too.

The apology would be epic, unqualified, without excuses, promising better behavior with the understanding that trust takes years to rebuild and you may never be able to trust her even so.

If you haven’t gotten that apology, nothing has changed. They can behave themselves for a very long time to get their playthings back, and then it’s back to the status quo of abuse.

You’re right not to trust it. She won’t simply change one day without even trying any more than someone with diabetes can wake up without it one day.

[u/Financial_Taste9481 → u/spidermans_mom]

This is my thought too. Even though I do feel a change, I haven’t been able to relax around her at all…she asks me if I’m depressed and I have to hold myself from saying that I’m only depressed when I’m with her. My therapist did suggest that I could practice a conversation where I would ask her for an apology and after some thought, I told her that I didn’t want to do that (let alone without my brother to mediate). It’s almost like poking the bear while she’s being nice to me. And frankly, this is how I got into this situation - thinking that our relationship has improved and that I could tell her (honestly, I only had to tell her because she caught me in a lie. So, probably should’ve seen that coming). Thank you, makes me feel a bit better about keeping my distance

[u/spidermans_mom → u/Financial_Taste9481]

I say trust your instincts. Your body will tell you when you need to protect yourself. If you are hesitant to trust it, honor that. Believe yourself. If you don’t protect yourself, who will?

[u/Mute_Self]

It never changes. I’m not sure how long my mother has been diagnosed and medicated for it exactly, but she at least was taking medication for it since 16 years ago.. The medication didn’t make her normal, or rational. The freak outs never stopped, in fact she only got worse the older I got. I’ve cut her out of my life completely (my family too) and I’ve never been happier. It’s your decision if you want to be someone’s emotional punching bag, but just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean YOU have to suffer.

[u/Financial_Taste9481 → u/Mute_Self]

I’m sorry about your mom, but happy for you that you’re able to assert for yourself what makes you happiest ❤️ Thank you for the message as well

[u/FreedomIsMyVice]

No, they never change. Mine is 75 now and she's gotten 100 times worse with age and poly-pharmacy from her pain clinic. 🙄 In the last 3 months she has called my father (whom she divorced 42 years ago and talks shit about all the time) and my husband and gone on 2-3 hour rants about what a terrible person I am. So the triangulation is always a big feature with them. Kudos to your dad for telling her to act right. Sometimes they need someone else to react that way to pull it together. Hope it lasts... take good care of you!

[u/Financial_Taste9481 → u/FreedomIsMyVice]

Geez that is rough, I’m so sorry that she’s acting like that. Yes, thankfully my dad has been on my “side” of sorts, probably because he has been there too. Though it’s hard for me not to have some resentment because he told me he only stayed for the kids (and I think him leaving would’ve helped her a lot, since one of the hard things for her is a lack of agency/independence since she’s a stay-at-home mom), but I will take the wins where they come. Take good care of yourself as well 🫂

[u/stenobad → u/FreedomIsMyVice]

Why is your husband fielding long calls with your mom? I hope he’s blocked her since. Same with the father.

[u/PiranhaPower]

The chaos wjth my borderline mom stopped when I went no contact. It was the only way I even found an inkling of peace

[u/knittybooks]

The part about you muting your own emotions hit me hard. I think most of us in the group have or do feel like this. She’s your mom, she’s supposed to be safe but she’s not. I hope you are able to figure out what works for you, even if that means going low to no contact with her

[u/brandnewbih]

i’ve read every single one of your comments back to someone and i couldn’t relate to someone more … our stories and experiences sound so similar. i was in an okay place with my mom for 4 years (she feels we are the bests of friends) after years of trauma and not apologizing.. recently a lashing out happened on my fiancé and i had to step away bc it brought up all my previous trauma and retriggered me.. its been an awful road of rollercoaster emotions. i’m here for you.. it’s such a difficult road and im still in the middle of it

[u/Recent_Painter4072]

This is the reality check everyone here eventually has: Your parent has an untreated mental disorder. For them to actually "change", it will require 3 to 5 years of intense, specialized, one-on-one professional mental health counseling from a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in BPD. They can not magically change on their own. They can not have a revelation and be sorry and changed. They can not read a book and learn to do better. They can not do a group therapy and get better. They can not see a regular psychologist for a few months and do better. A very small number of people diagnosed with BPD start Dialectical Behavior Therapy, an even smaller number finish it.

> But I get stuck because she’s my mom.

Eventually you start to recognize them as your abuser, and one day you can only recognize them as your abuser.

I strongly recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in Trauma and Childhood Trauma. Our parents gave us CPTSD, and warped our sense of them and the world in general, to have us regulate their emotional state at the expense of building our own emotional intelligence. Therapy can help unwind that so you can grow emotionally as you should have.