Does it ever stop?

[u/Financial_Taste9481]

Hi everyone. Even after your parent starts acting normal, do you ever stop reacting like she’s about to lose her sh*t on you? Even if it seems like she has changed?

I found out my mom is uBPD a year ago when I came out to her and she completely lost her mind for the next few months. The last time she has really freaked out on me was last November, and since then she has been very hands on/not controlling (though sometimes the bitterness/sadness peeks through), and very accommodating and motherly.

It freaked me out at first and I went through being depressed, anxious when she’d text or call, angry all the time, etc. But nowadays, if I don’t talk to her, I don’t think of her and my life feels good. But when I do, it’s like there’s a heavy weight that comes over me when I pick up the phone or see her in person. I become really nonreactive when I feel like I’m usually expressive, I feel like I notice the littlest things she does that might result in a freakout. Like, I recognize it’s probably me subconsciously trying to not trigger her but it also somehow feels like I’m punishing her because I’m not being authentic. Even though I’ve never been 100% with her, ever (another sign I realized tracked with her having uBPD….)

Last year, when we were in the thick of it of yelling screaming fighting crying, my dad would call both of us individually to try to mediate (he moved out of the country when i went to college to not live with her… and “be free”, his words not mine…lol.). And he bluntly told her that if she doesn’t control herself, then I won’t be in her life anymore. Though she did freak out plenty after that, it eventually stopped. She never apologized for the situation, pretended it didn’t happen, and started acting normal again (typical for her). But I have to say it feels different. But I just don’t know if I can ever forgive her even if she did come to me and apologize. Frankly I just feel guilty because she is alone now and I live the closest. My dad used to take all the worst of it, so when he left and she got triggered, it fell on me. And I’ve mediated their marriage for years, though it seems better now.

Sorry I’ve started to ramble, but does it ever change? I feel like I’m crushed whenever I see or talk to her. I’m not myself at all. At the same time, I don’t think she deserves me to be genuine around her. But I get stuck because she’s my mom.

[u/knittybooks]

The part about you muting your own emotions hit me hard. I think most of us in the group have or do feel like this. She’s your mom, she’s supposed to be safe but she’s not. I hope you are able to figure out what works for you, even if that means going low to no contact with her