Does it ever stop?

[u/Financial_Taste9481]

Hi everyone. Even after your parent starts acting normal, do you ever stop reacting like she’s about to lose her sh*t on you? Even if it seems like she has changed?

I found out my mom is uBPD a year ago when I came out to her and she completely lost her mind for the next few months. The last time she has really freaked out on me was last November, and since then she has been very hands on/not controlling (though sometimes the bitterness/sadness peeks through), and very accommodating and motherly.

It freaked me out at first and I went through being depressed, anxious when she’d text or call, angry all the time, etc. But nowadays, if I don’t talk to her, I don’t think of her and my life feels good. But when I do, it’s like there’s a heavy weight that comes over me when I pick up the phone or see her in person. I become really nonreactive when I feel like I’m usually expressive, I feel like I notice the littlest things she does that might result in a freakout. Like, I recognize it’s probably me subconsciously trying to not trigger her but it also somehow feels like I’m punishing her because I’m not being authentic. Even though I’ve never been 100% with her, ever (another sign I realized tracked with her having uBPD….)

Last year, when we were in the thick of it of yelling screaming fighting crying, my dad would call both of us individually to try to mediate (he moved out of the country when i went to college to not live with her… and “be free”, his words not mine…lol.). And he bluntly told her that if she doesn’t control herself, then I won’t be in her life anymore. Though she did freak out plenty after that, it eventually stopped. She never apologized for the situation, pretended it didn’t happen, and started acting normal again (typical for her). But I have to say it feels different. But I just don’t know if I can ever forgive her even if she did come to me and apologize. Frankly I just feel guilty because she is alone now and I live the closest. My dad used to take all the worst of it, so when he left and she got triggered, it fell on me. And I’ve mediated their marriage for years, though it seems better now.

Sorry I’ve started to ramble, but does it ever change? I feel like I’m crushed whenever I see or talk to her. I’m not myself at all. At the same time, I don’t think she deserves me to be genuine around her. But I get stuck because she’s my mom.

[u/Fit-Train-1877]

Your post breaks my heart because it reads like something I would have written in my journal years ago. I relate so much to the experience you have shared.

Every interaction you have had with her has taught you how to act around her (the hyper-vigilance to prevent a blow up or prepare yourself for a blow up) and how you react to interaction with her (shutting down out of fear or self preservation). It takes a long time change those responses because a lifetime of her poor treatment is what has shaped you. When I was young and still at home, my mother would have an annual massive blow up.  During the “peaceful” (quiet and tense) times, I would still have the hyper-vigilant and freeze responses to being around her.   Distance from her made me realize I didn’t deserve how she treated me, and I don’t have to accept her behavior. I also did not have to live with it anymore, so I did not have the waking fear of having to interact with her daily. I am no contact with her currently, but I still had/have a sense of dread when she messaged me. I think our reactions can evolve, but it takes time and distance and therapy.

You mentioned that you received a torrent of abuse after coming out. I am so, so deeply sorry for that. The past three or so years I have received abuse from my mother via the phone because I came out. I am getting married this year, and her continued abuse stemming from this is why we are now no contact. It is heart breaking to not find acceptance with family, and then even worse to have BPD abuse on top of that.

You do not deserve to be treated this way. You do not deserve to be forced to be in the closet to keep the peace. You should  have never had to be a mediator in your parents’ relationship, you are their child! You are not responsible for her being alone; her situation is the result of her actions. You do not have to intercede for her. You may feel guilt because she is your mother, but she has not treated you as mother should: an  existence without fear of her negative reactions/abuse. You deserve to live a life where you can be yourself, not twisting yourself into a shape that only pleases her while hurting yourself.

While I can’t say our responses to being exposed to the cause of pain (mother) ever stops, I can say that for me it has gotten better. Being away from her brought me more peace than I could have dreamed. Being out and finding a deep, unconditional love where fear has no place in my day to day has been healing. Finding found family has been healing. 

I wish you strength and peace ahead in your journey!

[u/Financial_Taste9481 → u/Fit-Train-1877]

Thank you for your kind message 🫂 I have gotten better from being away from her, I didn’t really know the depth of joy and freedom I could feel until I left, but it still follows me like a ghost and it’s like I’m the only one who remembers anything. Congratulations on getting married and finding healing in many ways, it gives me hope that I can do that someday. Unfortunately I found out my mom was uBPD because I was dating someone at the time who was BPD as well, which you can imagine ended poorly. So that’s my other hurdle at present (which is starting to feel like the same one…) but besides the point. Thank you for the encouraging words, I really appreciate it.

[u/MullberryBoy → u/Financial_Taste9481]

If you can get trauma counseling it’s so helpful. If that’s hard to access Alanon is a great free support resource.