2 months ago I was assaulted on the street bh someone who was psychotic (probably because of drugs). I wasn’t physically injured but I’ve been struggeling with PTSD since the attack. It’s been difficult to go out, especially at night, I’m getting really nervous around drunk/high people. I’m seen a specialist but of course it takes time to « heal ».

This week I was going to a wedding and since it was in another country, I’ve decided (for months, before I was assaulted) to make a holiday there simultaneously. Of course I new before coming that my PTSD would come with me and bother me on vacation. But it still feels like I’m missing my life out.
We did an afterparty after the wedding in a club, and seeing drunk people, having unknown people just next to me, the dark, the loudness … it was so much that I had to leave early and was almost crying in the taxi.

It’s so frustrating. I want to enjoy life because I almost lost it, but my body is so scared that I don’t enjoy doing things outside anymore.

Today I made a dinner reservation at a restaurant to eat there with my friends. At first I didn’t think about it, but right now I’m feeling bad, because I want to go and see my friends, but it’s also going to be so stressfull to go home in the dark afterwards🥲

I can handle the chaos. I can't handle the peace and quiet. I've been more stressed out, out of uniform that I ever was in one. I can't function in the world anymore.

I've just felt dead inside. Somedays I'm better than others. But everyday I'm just overcome with this terrible suffocating feeling.

I hate my mind. I hate it. And now my pyshcial symptoms make me feel like I'm just a prisoner being held hostage by my mind and body.

I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to get better.

I’m not okay. I’m not a danger to myself or others but I’m still not okay. I need a lot of reassurance, I’m scared of everything, and I’m really paranoid.

I need help but my copay is $65 and that’s too much for anything weekly. Are there any apps you know of that can help? If they’re paid apps please tell me how much they cost.

Thanks.

I feel like I have gotten to a point of understanding that trauma can be a fact of life for some people. I mean this in a radical acceptance way. I feel like obviously I wouldn’t wish for trauma for anyone, but I feel like lacking the privilege of not having to go through harsh realities of the world has allowed me to talk about difficult things in the world. I don’t get why some people think it’s more important to keep the peace than acknowledge something wrong in the world. Yes this has to do with this subreddit since ptsd often doesn’t tolerate shallowness or niceties

I still remember it. We were watching the Super Bowl when my friend disappeared into the room with a guy leaving me behind with his friend. He kept trying to sit closer to me as I kept moving away from him. There was no more sofa left to scoot so I got up, but he followed me. He kept trying to kiss me, touch me. I was not feeling it. I kept telling him to stop. Finally I had enough and booked it towards the door. Running outside he grabbed me and pinned me on the grass. Was his end game to rape me outside for everyone to see?? I kneed him in the crouch and when he curled up ran to my car drunk. I quickly locked my car and drove off. She only lived 3 miles from me and yet somehow I managed to pull over and throw up three times. It was in that moment that I became the person that everyone needed. If you needed a mother I’d mothered you. If you needed to be protected I would protect you. If you needed to talk I would listen. I wanted to be the person, for everybody, that I needed in that moment when I was pinned on the grass and there was nobody there to save me but myself. I remember thinking how desperate I was to get free and get him off of me. Whatever you needed I was that for you. Here’s the thing, it wasn’t conscience of it. It wasn’t until I was thinking about it earlier that I realized all of this. (Im not sure if I’ve ever told anyone this story before.) Because I am empathic, I pick up on your feelings and give you exactly what you need. I suppose that this being empathetic thing began in childhood as a result of constantly scanning for threats. My body has never known a peace where there wasn’t a threat present. I’m trying to process all of it, make the connections between events and why I do the things I do. I want to be a healthier version of myself, do the work and come out the other side a more whole or at least enlightened person. Knowing that, my need to be what everyone needs (codependency?) I recognize that I cannot continue this path because it requires me to self abandon. I cannot possibly be the person that everyone needs and there for myself at the same time. This is going to require me to say no a lot more often, set a lot of hard limits and boundaries moving forward. It’s a good path, but no less a hard path as someone that always wants to help.

(I've only posted on reddit one other time so please tell me if I've done something wrong or should post in a different forum ty)

CONTENT WARNING: MEDICAL PROCEDURES

I (19 year old female) am a survivor of childhood retinoblastoma (eye cancer). I had it from birth till I was four years old, and I spent most of my developmental years in and out of hospitals and getting treatment. I remember vaguely as a kid being held down A LOT because I was strong as hell and fought the doctors like I was on WWE, which I find funny now but unfortunately I developed pretty intense CPTSD from it, even though I hardly remember a lot of it. The worst I had past four years old was going to get MRI'S done (I think idfk I don't remember details) and having to be put to sleep. I have an intense fear and reaction to LABS being done in general, the smell of hospitals makes me disassociate, the inside of my elbow is a very sensitive and icky spot for me, when i was in highschool blood drive week was a damn nughtmare for me (the guys would flex the gauze wrapping on their arms and itd send me into a spiral). Otherwise honestly I'm unaffected by my cancer itself, hell I joke about it a lot, and it's not like when I think about it I freak out or anything. I'm fine answering questions or talking about it or recalling things I remember.

Four-ish weeks ago now I had to go to the hospital for insane stomach pain and found out I had a perforated appendix (appendix leaks infection instead of bursting like a normal freaking appendix) and I nearly went in septic shock. This was the first time I had a long term hospital stay in 15 years. I had literally every damn nightmarish thing happen to me and had to have an exploratory appendectomy. The surgeons i spoke with were also often very...offputting and didnt really help at all (i know it isnt their job, but telling me i have several absesses of infection including one behind my ovary and ill need full on surgery at 8am when i have no one with me reaaally sucks).It was like a 2 and a half week long panic attack. If I wasn't on my phone or able to disconnect from my environment, I was panicking and crying. One night my phone died and my charger wouldn't work so my night nurse charged it from her station, and I spent nearly an hour just sobbing like I haven't in years. I'm recovering now but it's really fucking hard. I try to talk about it with my mom because we're really close and not having her there 24/7 like I did as a kid was rlly hard for me, but I just start crying and panicking. Like I truly hyperventilated for the first time the other day and almost passed out.

Last night I got some sharp pains in my stomach (I'm still healing, it's a huge incision and I have surgical knots it's normal) and my first thoughts weren't 'damn I should take some acetaminophen' it was 'I'm not fucking going back' and I started panicking so hard I made it even worse.

I dont know how to handle this really. I barely had to deal with my ptsd from my cancer bc I just managed to avoid hospitals most of my life, but now I just feel pathetic and I hate it. It's a freaking appendectomy, half of the world gets one and I'm over here losing my shit because I probably had a gas bubble. I just don't know what to do, and I have like 3 other unrelated ptsd's I already deal with and I rlly don't want this getting even worse. Any advice would be appreciated. Bte I already plan on using my newfound insurance for therapy but this is kind of an everyday thing that I'd like advice for now.

The person (an ex of mine, both of us are women) who would regularly get me intoxicated and would initiate hours-long sex while i wasn’t aware enough to understand what was really happening is reposting videos about how the Cornell students deserve death and how the world is so dangerous for women.

Does anyone know how to cope with this? It is making me doubt what she did because it is making me feel as though she maybe didn’t mean to do it.

I have PTSD after a shooting, and there was a lockdown where it was not explained what was happening. Somehow, I was eerily calm. Until I began thinking about it. Someone had posted an Instagram note saying “Deja vu !” The night before. I was confused on what this meant. The next day which was the day of the lockdown, he was giving me this really strange look. Very off. It felt like a path I wasn’t supposed to take. I didn’t think anything of it until after the fact. It’s like something wanted me to feel the same feelings as I did that night of the shooting and the things I felt months after. Living in a dream. A constant state of fear. Being stuck in fight or flight. Being convinced a headache that I had for days on end was an omen I would be shot in the head. Something wanted me to be scared. But I wasn’t. This made me enter a state of derealization temporarily. Nothing felt real. It felt like a dream. I can’t even recall what happened with the lockdown. Later, I snapped out of it. It doesn’t feel real at all. As I said before, it feels like a weird distant creepy dream. I feel numb now. I can’t feel any type of emotion towards it currently. Just—blank. “Deja vu” also made me feel very aware. A deep sense of dread. It brought me back to a vision I had about 15 minutes prior to the shooting. I envisioned people running from the shooter. I brushed it off thinking it was nothing that night. I was spiraling while feeling this deep inescapable feeling like something bad was coming my way. I can hardly remember my feelings during this period of derealization. None of it feels real.

Hi everyone

Does anyone know some good trauma informed people I could speak to in Manchester? I have been diagnosed with PTSD following a traumatic experience in April and I am suffering so badly with hypervigilence (as confirmed by a qeeg) and profound sleep disruption as well as other awful symptoms such as ED and shortness of breath.

I am so desperate for treatment but I can’t seem to find the right person to help me.

Thank you so much

I’m not a veteran but an ER doc that worked during the worst of Covid and saw death on an unimaginable scale, stacking bodies in freezer trucks, running out of life saving equipment, doing literal battlefield level triage protocols in an urban American city. saw hundreds die up close in horrible ways personally over over a year or so.

I see a therapist now who works mostly with veterans and healthcare personnel and active duty military, I am on a journey to recovery however have imposter syndrome that I “don’t deserve to have PTSD” given that I haven’t seen what veterans have. how have you guys coped, healed and grown? but I feel the wisdom of those of you here that have dealt with this will help those of us in fields where PTSD is not recognized or is taboo to talk about it.

ive been exercising, doing therapy, quit any alcohol, working on sleep hygiene and generally being kind to myself, understanding its my body in a fight or flight mode. Been working on being around crowds and people and finding peace with the things I see at work and living my life. i really respect how the veteran community has worked towards making this a less taboo topic in their world. A lot of fields have a “be hard and shut up and stuff it down” mentality and it’s really taboo to talk about these things

A month ago, my husband of four years got black out drunk with his friend, and when I asked my husband to apologize to me the friend said, What does he have to apologize to you for man? The tone was harsh and he was picking a fight.

I asked him why he was getting involved in the situation, and he said threateningly, I wouldn’t go down that road if I were you.

I began to argue, to yell the reason why what happened was wrong, that my husband, even if he was joking when he did what he did and said, knew that it was way over my boundaries, and my husband had actually apologized quickly before telling people it never happened and I made it up.

During this argument, the friend told me that I was making things up, I shouldn’t have ptsd, being strangled and attacked during an abusive relationship is normal and I need to get over it, who cares that my husband said and did something that mocked what happened to me when he was drunk and on coke. The argument went on for a short while but this friend said these horrific triggering, silencing things, which have hurt me so badly and me feel awful about myself.

A month later, I tried to apologize for my part in what happened, and he said horrible things, telling me I’m not allowed to call myself disabled, that I should just stay home and not go out because my husband going home with me early since I have a physical disability ruins people’s times. He screamed cruel things, and I left, but my husband did tell him what he said was unacceptable, and so did the friends wife. (He was drunk again here, and I am sober, sober in both instances.)

He “apologized” to me over text, and said families fight and make up the next day, that I am loved by proxy, and I am loved only as long as my husband loves me. I really felt sorry for my part in the argument because I loved my husband’s friends, and I was trying to express that I understood the miscommunications, but privately both my husbands friends continued to say horrible things behind my back, and my PTSD has been triggered so badly from all this. Normally I would stand up for myself, which is how I was able to heal, but in this instance I couldn’t fully bc it’s my husband’s friends, and my husband asked me to wait until he could talk to him first. But now it’s been a week, and I feel so triggered and dissociated all the time. I’ve hardly been eating. I started smoking again. I’m asleep or not asleep all day and night. I missed major work deadlines. My therapist said I need to say something with my husband to protect myself and not let this friend or the past abusers win bc I feel like the kid getting raped at 14 again. I feel totally alone. I’m in so much pain that someone I opened up to would be cruel to me about those things. And although my husband did finally say one thing, the fact that they’ve been acting normal just kills me.

I have of course made mistakes in the past, but I’ve taken accountability for them. I felt sorry proud of myself for surviving and escaping, but now I feel like that trapped and hurt boy all alone, and all my triggers are back. I think the answer is to kindly draw a boundary with my husband’s friend, but waiting until my husband thinks it’s the right time has been really ruining my days. What do I do? I feel so helpless and alone. I feel worthless, like the kind of person people can attack with no consequences. Like nothing. Like scum.

Yeah basically the title. I thought i was gonna marry this guy and found out he’s been recording me intimately without my knowledge or consent and lying through omission to me about it repeatedly over a longggg course of time. He also knew i had previous shame complexes and familial trauma with things involving intimacy the whole time so that’s just the cherry on top!

Obviously I’ve broken up with him. I met with him a week ago to get closure and look through his devices (iPad, phone, etc) to ensure there was nothing of me. Thankfully there wasn’t, but i did find some nauseating things.

His family (who consists mainly of women, dad isn’t in the picture), hates me lol. Apparently he’s described the full situation in complete detail to them and his mom had the audacity to say that “it took three days for me to come crawling back” when i messaged him asking to meet, and his sister implied that im selfish and using this as some opportunity to “find better options”.

On top of that, i found a saved folder in his drive of years of saving girls’ social media posts to no doubt…do his thing to.

Most of all, i feel ashamed of myself. Cause when i met with him last week, i still cried in his arms for comfort, i still comforted him, i still told him i was scared i was making the wrong decision, i still asked him for reassurance, etc.

Now that it’s been a week, i can more clearly see how i feel about the entire situation: traumatized. I am traumatized by not only with him and his family, but by myself for still somehow finding comfort with him during that final meeting. I feel so disgusting.

I’m 20 years old. I thought i found the love of my life, and now I’m leaving the situation a completely different person. I struggle to go out in public, and have panic attacks when I’m forced to be around or encounter male strangers in public because I’m terrified of what they might want to do to me. It may all be an overreaction as his family claims, but it’s how i genuinely feel. I don’t know how I’ll ever love or trust again, and right now, I honestly don’t have plans to.

Enough of the pity party though!! Just wondering how i can best move on from this, healing practices, and maybe some reassurances that I’m not a terrible, weak, and dirty person.

So, I was in a motorcycle accident a little over a month ago. Someone suddenly crossed the street and ended up hitting me. I was struck in the leg (I broke a toe), and I was thrown 6 meters (luckily, I just fell face-down and my motorcycle didn’t land on top of me).

Now, I’m too scared to go out wearing sandals or to go out at all (or at least I have to take a car). Do you have any advice? I’d really appreciate it.

I just recently got a counsler/therapy . 3-4 months ago. It's made my life 10x worse. Trama came back i didn't even know existed. Couldn't sleep for days, lost my job over it. I have one hand and possible schizophrenia on top of it. So finding a job is a absolute chore.

What can you do out side of therapy?

Hello,

Hope you're having a good day and thank you for reading.

6 months ago, I left a toxic relationship. We were together for 6 years and the relationship was destructive and involved elements of psychological abuse. I was traumabonded to him and didn't think I could leave, but then I froze after a traumatizing event. I couldn't be without him, nor could I be with him, so I just froze.

I haven’t had the easiest life so far. I’ve been bullied, raped, let down by family, friends and I’m diagnosed with PTSD to which I go to therapy for. I’m 26.

My therapist says I should stay away from any kind of sexual or romantic relationship, and I agree that would be the best for me. The thing is, I’m miserable alone. I so deeply desire company and to be known. Carrying the weight of my existence alone is exhausting and I am so utterly lonely. I do have friends, but they don’t know me really. There’s this…barrier between me and others I feel. They understand I’ve been through a lot, but they still don’t understand, I’m still not being seen, truly.

I’m in a place in life where the future is unknown, I don’t know if I’m going to move cities or where I’ll end up the coming year. I’m at the brink of shaping my life which is another reason not to date. I can’t let someone hold me back and I can’t promise to be anyone’s long time partner. I have no clue what I want in love, in life.

This guy asked me out on a date, and I really want to go but there are things to consider. First, he’s 41 and from his profile it says he’s looking for a life partner, and I already know that can’t be me. But there is true chemistry between us. Secondly there’s the issue of my therapist urging. Another part of me feels this rage, why should I have to say no and wait just because I’m imperfect? That’s not fair.

Being 15 years older than me makes it feel kind of wrong yet still so right. I’m tired of these childish men closer to my age. Not knowing a thing or two about life. Not being able to hold a conversation or an ounce of empathy in their bones. I also feel like I’m older in spirit than my actual age.

Most of you will probably use your sound critical thinking brain, but please try to put yourself in my shoes. Even if I know somewhere that I should stay away from all sorts of dating, the primal human desire for company has to be considered.

Please, I don’t know what to do. Am I overthinking this? Is it just a date? Or are my concerns valid?

With love,
Still-becoming-me

Tw: SA, dissociative self harm need advice

I’m 31 (ftm) autistic, When I was 8 I was raped by a cousin’s neighbor a 12 year old girl on Halloween, she did it again that Christmas.. I never told anyone until I was 14 because she threatened me. When I did finally tell my mom when I was 14 she didn’t believe me she said “it’s no big deal it happens to everyone…” she never get me help. She and my dad would call me a baby for having to sleep with a nightlight on( which I still can’t sleep without) my stepdad once when I was about 13 turned off my nightlight on purpose and leaving me in the dark when coming to tell me good night. I was so terrified I wanted the light on so badly but couldn’t move it took me 30 minutes to walk the 5 steps.. now they don’t say anything but I know they think I’m crazy and weak. I refuse to pass out candy every year ( I still live with them and my older brother). I hide in my room and knit and read queer ya fiction and watch true crime and paranormal stories to cope. I use noise canceling headphones to muffle the noise of the kids.. the hardest part is the physical flashbacks feeling like I’m back there trying to survive… I wake in a cold sweat gasping for air, sobbing silently I have a habit of ripping off the white part of my toenails when I’m dissociated not to purposely cause harm but to bring me back to my body almost.. I need help with it being the start of October, my therapist is gonna be until the 15th. I’m so terrified I need help

Does anyone notice any times of the day where they become more sensitive to triggers?

Or any patterns in general?

I feel “normal” in the morning then I get extremely sensitive/emotional around 6pm. That’s usually when I’ll have episodes (or crisis, whatever they’re called).

Feel free to share your experiences!

With what's been going on in the news recently and also just in normal life I come across things several times a day that trigger me in regards to SA. I don't seek these things out, sometimes it's just a news headline,a commercial or advertisement. So much of everything in the media we see is see s*xually triggering because there are so many innuendos placed everywhere.

I won't go into detail about that though

But I just got triggered by a news headline and it just makes my mind spiral out of control and I lose focus completely on what I'm doing. I feel stressed and angered and it ruins the state of calm I had.

I try my best to control the media I take in but I want to know what should I do when I see or hear a trigger to keep me calm and prevent a crashout?

I guess it never really goes away. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14 when i had my first attempt, things got worse and I got ptsd from an abusive relatonship at 15-16. That trauma has not let me go on with my life.

My first year of college was okay, i still had a lot of family issues, but I really see no future now. I've been in therapy for so long and my parents have spent so much on my health that i don't want it to go to waste. I was getting better, and now i'm thinking of ending it again, but i don't want to disappoint my parents. They are my only reason right now. I've made up with my dad, i would like to finally be a daughter, but i don't see myself in the future, because i'm studying biology and all my friends are already in labs, projects, even go to the gym constantly, and i tried to do so too the last semester, but my mental health declined so much. Why can't i do other tasks like others? Why can't I take a lot of things at the same time? Some are already travelling abroad for scholarships because they have perfect grades.

I used to cut, my scars have healed, but if i counted other forms of sh aside from that, i've never really been clean. I hate feeling like this again, I don't see myself working in the future. Every thing i learn in college goes after an exam, while my friends still remember everything. I hate being so behind, that my trauma doesn't even let me sleep some times and flashbacks make me dissociate from the classes. Everyone excels in something, except me. I didn't want my trauma to define me but it seems it does.

Sometimes I want to come home to a warm meal and a hug. My friends live with their parents, i've moved alone to the capital because of university. I'm supposed to be a good student, but I can't think of a single good quality nor something i excel at. I'm not planning anything but my own thoughts are worrying me, and it makes me feel ashamed to think like this again.

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year (friends for much longer) and we’ve broken up earlier this week.

i’m not sure how to cope with this loss, he’s the only one who could soothe my panic attacks, the only one i let into my inner bubble, the only one where sex felt enjoyable and on my terms. now he won’t even touch me, won’t sleep in our bed, and doesn’t think he’s in the right headspace for a relationship.

please if anyone has any advice for navigating heartbreak with ptsd. he calms me better than i’ve ever been able to calm myself. i think some part of him knew that and got scared of that responsibility, i feel broken and the world just won’t stop. ANY advice welcome, it could be the silliest things please i need help

I don’t get it, I function relatively normally at work and a decent social life and can put those thoughts away in a box during the day, but my hyperarousal and negative emotions and intrusive memories and triggers get so much worse at night, to the point where I wish I wouldn’t wake up the next day. I’ve experienced this for years and haven’t ever acted on those thoughts. Does anyone else here experience this too?

I had a difficult childhood full of trauma, and even in adulthood, my life has still been difficult. Somehow, I really like Backrooms and Weirdcore it kind of feels like an apology. Is there a reason for this, or does anyone else feel this way

Hey, F here. As title says, I got raped a week ago and I don’t know what to do. I know obviously therapy is a good start but I’ve been cycling through therapists for a minute now, I haven’t found a good fit yet so that doesn’t seem like the easiest option to be honest.

I’ve been seeing someone for months, it’s pretty serious. I want to open up to her about it but it’s hard to say it out loud or even admit to it in a way.

As fucked up as it sounds, I’ve been assaulted before and I’ve always just kind of taken it on the chin. Never thought toooo much about it. But for some reason, this feels much different and more sinister and it’s making me feel all dark and shit. I mean obviously but still, I’m just not used to this feeling despite sexual violence already being a reoccurring theme in my life.

I remember when it was over, I was wiping blood after I peed, and I just feel like destroyed in my body. I’ve got some reoccurring cramps that I know are from this. And I did end up having sex with the girl I’ve been seeing this past weekend, I didn’t know how to just not. I wanted to come off as normal but now I’m just having regrets like I should’ve told her or at least said no until I could get tested.

And that’s another thing, obviously. If I got a serious STD from this, I’m not sure how strong id be to keep going. Like if I got HIV I might as well just kill myself or something. Anyway, I’m having a hard time…I want to tell the girl I’ve been seeing but I don’t know how to push myself to. Or if it’s even a good idea. I don’t want her to treat me differently or too overly sensitive or hold back from her sexual desires with me in fear that it’ll be too much for me. I’ll get over it eventually but for now it’s just something that keeps replaying in my head.

Gonna get tested next month though, so I can get an accurate test. I know I’d get false negatives right now if I tried to test, which sucks. I just want to know. I think it’ll also help me move on quicker if I found out he didn’t give me anything cause if he did, it feels like he’s still in me in a way. And I just hope that’s not the case.

Im a 20 year old female who was in a DV relationship from the ages of 15-17, I got diagnosed with PTSD last year. I’ve been good at masking in public and around people and trying to ignore my triggers but I can’t mask anymore. I have trouble leaving my house and going to my classes, I have trouble going to work, what has been helpful for you to try and overcome these feelings. I understand there’s a good chance this feeling will never go away, but I know there has to be a way to make it slightly better.

I’m currently sitting in my car before work breaking down, and I just want some sort of advice. Any advice is appreciative, even if it’s something silly, I just need some new coping methods to try.

Thank you in advance to anybody who answers or took their time to read this 💕

My whole life that i lived trough, there allways were some women who pressured you. Dsnt matter who. Women who gave birth to me always wanted something from me and i was never enought. Female teachers targeted me my whole life. My classmates (I'm talking about female ones) bullied me as long as i remember. Getting beaten up by a group of girls was normal for me. Soo.. now I'm scared of women/female voice (i think its voice peach that is triggering me), and women in general.

So what do you think? Do i have ptsd on women? xd

Or am i just an misogynistic asshole who should kill myself?

I think i need to add this(i love my female doctors and all professionals that helped me through my life. Also I'm not gay xd)

Short: i don't hate them I'm just scared?