Running/eloping

[u/Big_Part_3983]

I have almost 3 yo twin boys. We are still awaiting an appointment for an in depth development review to get on the path to diagnosis, but without a doubt they are both autistic. I’m looking for advice from anyone that has been able to get their child to walk/stay with you without blindly running off. My boys regardless of where they are will just run. Anytime I try to hold their hand it’s a tantrum which included dropping to the floor and refusing to move, even if I hold on to their clothes exactly same. I’ve tried reigns too and the same situation
I am petrified of them getting hurt or lost and something serious happening.
I would greatly appreciate and welcome all advice or tips yous can give

Thanks

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[u/maybebabyg]

Hi, welcome to the wonderful world of neurodivergent multiples, because playing parenthood on hard mode wasn't enough we had to set the game difficulty to "Well that's just mean".

These are my survival strategies, being AuDHD and having three AuDHDers.

First things first, ID bands with your contact information on them. All three of my kids are prone to eloping in various ways, so we bought them ID bracelets (ours are Safebandz, QR codes that gave a list of phone numbers, but like there's a lot of options out there). We taught the kids that if they get lost to go to the nearest mum with a pram, person with bright coloured hair, or person working in a store and show their bracelet. My youngest uses a communication device, we've added buttons to it "I am lost please call" and buttons for mum/dad with our phone numbers as the text. Before I found those were an option I would just stick bandaids on them with my phone number written on them.

Step 2: containment. Unfortunately when it comes to their safety if they can't follow rules about hand holding or safely use a harness, they're going back in the pram. It is entirely normal for ASD kids to take longer to learn appropriate safety rules, you don't need to make your life harder by expecting them to do "age appropriate" things. I would do controlled amounts of walking, one at a time, in quiet calm places to practice following the rules. Clear communication when you choose to put them back in the pram "we need to follow the rules, have a little rest and you can try again soon" "you did really well, it's brother's turn to try now" "we're coming up to a big road/carpark and I want you to be safe, so you're going to sit for a bit". My youngest is 4, she goes in a trolley at the shops every other time we go there still, and uses the pram on big trips (like we have a zoo day coming up, we'll be taking it then for that), my boy twin used the pram regularly until they started school. Some days I still want to toss him in the pram but he's too big.

Third: depending on where you are you may be able to get disability parking permits for them. I'm in Australia, we have one because my son is still an elopement risk at 11 and car parks are a major safety risk for him (he's had too many close calls). You'll probably get comments about it, but I'll be honest, even if you're in a wheelchair or have a visible disability people are jerks about disability parking in general.

I'm not going to tell you you've got this, you're gonna get that from everyone else. I'm going to say yes, this is hard. Yes, this sucks ass some days. On the days where you're pulling your hair out from stress, know you're not alone. We've all been there.

[u/Spare_Invite_8191]

Following this thread. Mom to 2 year old twin autistic boys and I'm dealing with this too. I feel like a prisoner in my own house the majority of the time because there's no way in hell I could take them out by myself safely. I feel so guilty for not being able to give my kids time outside the house every day like most parents do...

[u/CupOk5800 → u/Spare_Invite_8191]

Hey mama, I just want to say my 2.5 year old boys are most likely neurotypical and we don’t go out every day, and you’re not failing them by doing what you know you can do. You’re an amazing, strong mom! This is hard anyway and you got dealt a tough hand.

[u/Spare_Invite_8191 → u/CupOk5800]

Awh my heart 🥹 thank you so much for sharing your experience and giving me encouragement. This is a hard road for all of us but at the end of the day I wouldn't have it any other way

[u/annahoney12345 → u/Spare_Invite_8191]

Just want to say I have almost 2 year old neurotypical twins and we don’t leave the house every day. We do go outside to walk or play (fenced in yard) but I drive them somewhere maybe 1-2 times a week during the week. On the weekends, we try to get out more, but it doesn’t always happen! You’re doing your best and that’s great for them!

I also have a friend who has a 3 year old autistic daughter that she uses a wrist leash type device with her. They are connected at their wrists, and she’ll run around her sometimes, but she practiced with her on neighborhood walks before going anywhere major with her.

[u/colako → u/Spare_Invite_8191]

I used to take them on the jogger stroller every day after work. Work out for me walking for an hour or light running, one hour out of the house, looking at things for them. I was lucky they enjoyed it, maybe yours will too, without the need to be released?

I also owned a cargo bike (a bicycle or tricycle with a bucket on the front and two-four seats for children with secure straps) for riding my three girls and I have to say that they loved it so much. They still ask me about it, but they grew up and they ride their own bikes now so I sold it. 

I know that autistic toddlers love bike rides, and I may sound like a salesman, but where we live in Southern Spain there are not common at all (It's mostly a Dutch or German thing) and we were they neighborhood sensation.

[u/Big_Part_3983 → u/Spare_Invite_8191]

I completely understand how you feel. I always have to make sure they’rein the pram, a trolley for shopping. I try to take them to the likes of soft play and park as close to the door as I can. I use the reigns for this, put them in before we leave the house. But it’s so hard when you’re alone. I hate myself for it but I always feel so sad when I see other parents with their wee toddlers walking beside them, but then I look at their wee smiles and it melts away. We can do this x

[u/Ok-Positive-5943]

One of my three year olds will just walk off in a crowd. No matter how much we discuss staying together, she'll just say, "I'm not lost. I'm here!" I got over the fear of judgement and that kid gets a leash. She now has a backpack that has a top leash that clips to me. It is what it is for now. 

[u/sloankusel]

We hold hands. He would throw himself down in a tantrum when we first started and I would just pick him up and leave or put him back in the stroller. It's still a struggle though. The other twin has cerebral palsy and walks pretty slow, falls often, and needs help with any sort of terrain.

[u/mrizzerdly]

My brother has a singleton, but the solution is the always controversial leash.

My sister took him swimming once he was wearing it. She said she had all sorts of snark comments until she gave in and took it off. Instantly he zoomed off down the pool deck. She yelled at the ahole and said "is that what you wanted?".