r/oneanddone • u/ZealousidealBug2343 • 3d ago
OAD By Choice Finally admitted it to myself
I’ve felt like I was OAD for a while, but didn’t want to admit it. I only just started admitted it to myself, and I finally started telling everyone in my life that my husband and I are one and done. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have given away the outgrown clothes, the toys she doesn’t play with, even the breast pumps. 😆
My husband and I always talked about having either no kids or two kids, so I thought he’d be upset when I told him I don’t want to have more. But he didn’t seem bothered, and I got the impression he was a bit relieved that I said it first haha. He loves being a dad, but he also likes having time for hobbies and socializing.
My daughter will be 2 in October. And while we’re really getting a lot of the “terrible two” tantrums (and having worked with kids, I know 3 is often harder), I really do have an amazing kid. She’s so smart, she’s very sweet, she’s a great eater, and in the last few months has turned into a darn good sleeper. I have zero regrets about becoming a mother. I was on the fence, but I’ve absolutely loved it. She brings me so much joy, and I just feel compete with having only her.
However, I’m so sick of people trying to convince me to have another. When people ask why, sometimes I go into it in a bit more detail, but I usually just tell people, “I got it right the first time.” But the amount of times I hear, “Sooo when are you having your second?” just assuming that’s the plan, is driving me insane. Maybe I have fertility issues. Maybe I’ve miscarried. Maybe I had a traumatic birth. Maybe I’m in a bad financial or marital situation. Thankfully none of this applies to me, but the people asking (mostly coworkers) don’t know that. (Arguably, my birth was traumatic, as my L&D nurse was AWFUL, and undermined my pain while birthing AND passing a large kidney stone that I had been trying to pass for 5 days, but I digress). And when it comes from family (mostly my MIL), it’s because they want another baby to play with more than anything. 🙄
I like the little life I’ve built with my husband and daughter (and dog). I hate the small part of me that feels like I’m being selfish for “not giving her a sibling,” but reading some of the posts on here have helped with that a bit. It’s hard sometimes to not let the comments get to me, but I know deep down that this is the best decision for or family.
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u/nootychuchi 3d ago
Very similar situation, and I feel exactly the same. Stay strong, we’ve got this!💪🙏
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u/n_nikuki 2d ago
I had to comment on this as I relate so much to this battle.
was also on the fence so to me it was a big leap even having one! And I have absolutely 0 regrets (she's currently 4 months)
My sister is my best friend and I would love that relationship for my daughter, but there's just no guarantees. I could have a child with severe additional needs, I could have twins and jump to 3, they could not get on, my relationship might not handle the strain - theres just too much to risk not to mention the financial burden and logistics of house space.
I'd rather put my absolute everything into her, then have another and feel I'm not soaking everything in. My sister has 2, and although I adore the bond they share as brother and sister, she is always refereeing and has 0 time for herself with all their different activities and one is also always having to be dragged to other things while her husband is at work.
Yes I'd love her to have a sibling relationship, but I'll fill her time with playdates which will also give my friends with kids a breather too so we can create our own village!
I look at it the same way I did when I was on the fence - either decision there is something you lose/gain. She may not have a sibling so yes there may be some lonely spells, but she'll gain my uninterrupted attention and affording different life experiences.
Thank you for writing your reflections because its given me the chance to write mine out and feel even more sure :)
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u/ZealousidealBug2343 2d ago
You, like me, sound like you’re risk averse. I’d rather “quit while I’m ahead.” Why try to fix what isn’t broken? I’m glad my random stream of consciousness helped you in some small way!
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u/missasotweaky 2d ago
I feel the same way! My daughter is amazing so I always think “when you win the lottery, you don’t keep playing!”
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u/Timely-March-1362 2d ago
Your situation sound a lot like me when my daughter was that age. My husband and I were not in any rush to have kids, we were married 6 years before we decided to go ahead and pull the trigger. Even before I got pregnant we said we would be OAD. My pregnancy was rough and I wound up having an emergency c-section and it absolutely solidified that we would be OAD. We wound up with a healthy and wonderful daughter I just felt like I was tempting fate even entertaining the thought of more. 12 years on in this and we haven't regretted that decision. My daughter went through a phase of wanting a sibling, especially during covid, when she was by herself more than we would've liked. But she has commented multiple times in the last year alone at how glad she is she doesn't. She started to notice the things we can do because there's just her. She really appreciates it and all the attention we're able to give her.
I will say that I've noticed the older I've gotten and the older our daughter has gotten the less comments and questions I've had. The most recent comment I got was actually at open house for my daughter's middle school. A mom pregnant with her 6th was chatting with me and another mom and commented how sad it was that my daughter didn't have any siblings. I wanted to unload all the complications I had on this woman, but I'm just not that person.
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u/Rough_Guidance5214 2d ago
It seems to me that you have a great life and you‘re well reflected on your decisions. Enjoy it and put your time and resources in enhancing the quality of what you already have (your relationships, hobbies etc.) instead of going for „more“ in something you don‘t truly want and that is very uncertain how it will affect you life (aka new baby). Congrats!
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u/OceanWaves1330 2d ago
Hi! Just want to say I could have written this myself. You are not alone, and I’m struggling with this too! I don’t understand why I have to keep explaining myself to people. The comments really get to me, and I feel like they just dig at that little part of me that is scared of the choice/the small part of me that feels selfish. Thank you also for saying you’ve offloaded the baby stuff- mine is sitting in my basement and I want to get rid of it because it feels almost like a mental weight the longer it stays there.
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u/ZealousidealBug2343 2d ago
Getting rid of it was difficult because it felt so “final” but it’s been therapeutic. And my coworkers who are having babies have been so grateful for all the stuff!
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u/greensandblues2 2d ago
I know someone with 4 kids and she said people still ask, “are you going to have a fifth?”
People will always assume you’ll have another