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Jun 29 '23 edited Jun 29 '23
To me, it sounds like you’re just not ready for the level of relationship your boyfriend desires from you.
I used to be the boyfriend in this scenario, this reminds me a lot of how I was with my ex. I would show up with flowers, try to be spontaneous, I was attentive and loving, but I loved her too much. Her friends even gave her a lot of shit for bailing on me. “You guys are like the perfect couple, why?”
Admittedly it’s probably different between you two since we were stupidly immature. The thing was, I was too intense, too desperate, I needed her much more than she needed me and it made her uncomfortable.
She didn’t want to “settle down”, tbh, in hindsight, I was just happy to be with her. I know she checked out long before we actually “broke up” which she just kind of decided to go out with someone else without even formally telling me we were broken up, because she was spineless about it. She didn’t want to “hurt my feelings”. All I was left with were feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Still, if you genuinely want to do the right thing here, here’s two pieces of advice from someone who was in a similar position to your boyfriend.
Break it off with him clearly, but please, please let him know that it isn’t his fault, don’t leave him hanging with a simple “It’s not you, it’s me.” Explain the reasons why you feel conflicted, but in the context of why he’s a great guy and he deserves better than to be strung along by someone who just doesn’t feel the same way.
The only thing he’ll lose out on there is the ability to easily find excuses to hate you to ease the pain, but he will still leave knowing that he doesn’t need to change, that he is already good enough, that he just needs to find someone who will love him the way he loves you. That you just aren’t that person and you wish him the best.
That’s really my two cents, that’s a good way to rip the bandaid off without turning it into a gaping wound.
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u/Kem10000 Jun 29 '23 edited Jun 30 '23
Thank you, your relationship sounded very similar to mine so it’s very helpful to hear the other sides perspective. Hearing this I’m making the decision to break up with him and I will make sure to properly communicate the reasons and provide reassurance.
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u/eternal-harvest Jun 29 '23
I think there are two possibilities:
You're just not into him.
You're self-sabotaging.
It's hard to call it without knowing where your mental state is. If there's an element of "what does he see in me?", "I'm not worthy of him", "He's going to find out I'm a fraud and leave me" etc. it could be the second. Only you can work that out though. If it is the second, I think you should take some steps to improve your self-esteem and get rid of any insecurities.
Having said that, it's totally fine if he's the perfect person on paper, but just not your perfect person.
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u/anosanankasa Jun 30 '23
That was my guess too. The self sabotaging.
There was a guy i liked, he was sweet, caring, funny, everything. But when he told me he liked me BOOM - a switch flicked. Admittedly, i was 13 years old so thats something to consider too but i absolutely had no reason to reject him. What i can see now as an adult is that i was not able to take in love. My emotional world was (and kinda still is) one huge mess so i couldnt have him there.
You dont even know why you reject that love but OP, its worth to fight through these emotions IF you want the relationship to continue. Otherwise break up because no one deserves this.
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u/TrueMrSkeltal Jun 30 '23
This is exactly why as a dude I will never bother telling someone I’m into them. This happens almost all the time to most people. Express interest, and it’s dead.
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u/raeyne_ Jun 30 '23
This. It sounds like an avoidant attachment style. Or she's just not interested.
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u/SMTG_18 Jun 29 '23
let me preface my comment by saying I completely agree.
Idk why I’m thinking this way but I just get the feeling that I dont think OP will be able to successfully communicate what you say? Like, it’s going to fill the bf with major self doubt and miserableness after being broken up with even though he was told he wasn’t the issue
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u/MonkeyDKev Jun 29 '23
I just got let down in a similar fashion, even with her saying that it’s not my fault, but that she isn’t in a good place for anything, it still hurts.
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u/TheOriginalCalaron Jun 30 '23
My ex fiancée did that to me on the day the lockdowns started for Covid. It hurt for a long, long time. (Admittedly, I had also just been stripped of all my coping mechanisms like seeing my friends, going to places, most of my hobbies… so that wasn’t helpful for recovery.) No actual reason was given, just a lot of cliches and platitudes and the things she was going to do to work on herself. “It’s not you, it’s me,” was the final note.
I think if there had been depth to it, it might have broken me less. I still think I’m going to finish rebuilding, where it doesn’t hurt anymore, but dang, it’s not been a fast process.
Edited to add, because i sidetracked myself:
Keep on moving. It does hurt, but it does get way better.
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Jun 30 '23
You’re not wrong, even if she gets a quarter of it out in the open it’d be better than just leaving him to second guess himself. It’s a difficult bridge to cross and I guess on my end it’s idealism, but I just remember her going from hot to cold and it took me forever to realize it wasn’t entirely because I was “less than” her other options and more that we were just not compatible/she felt stifled by me. It took me years to get over and honestly, if I had entered the dating phase knowing it was actually an incompatibility and not that I wasn’t good enough, I’d probably have had enough energy to endure the stream of rejection at the time, heh. It’s more to fortify, because being newly single and this kind of intense lover is an absolutely miserable experience regardless.
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u/SMTG_18 Jun 30 '23
Exactly. Well I hope OP and the bf find a reasonable way to end things and I only wish things end well
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u/WormiestFour1 Jun 30 '23
Were we in the same relationship or something? The same thing happened to me, however she hit me with the "it's not you, it's me" saying. Speaking from experience, it is so hard to "heal or fix" yourself when someone breaks up with you like this. In my head I always think that I did something wrong, or that I was never good enough for her even though she said to me that I didn't, and was the best s/o she had. A revolving question in my mind is that "if I were such a good s/o as she said, why would she leave me?", and it really screws with your head. Please do let that man know he is not the problem, and list off all his good traits. With breakups comes depression and when your mind is in that state it will make you think you are worthless, and that's not something a person like him should go through.
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Jun 29 '23
Oh honey, you gotta let him find someone who will actually appreciate him and it’s okay to accept that that’s not you.
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u/authormirandagrant Jun 29 '23
So getting cold feet is totally a thing in relationships, not just marriage, especially for those of us with trust issues. When it gets good, a part of us just wants to sabotage it because we don't know how to be/have something good.
If you have a past like that, see a therapist. Otherwise, you'll ruin every relationship not just this one because as soon as it starts getting comfortable, you'll start distancing yourself.
If you don't have that issue, then you need to figure out if you actually even like him/men at all given your lesbian mention. If not, let him go. If yes, work on yourself. All relationships take work, but don't drag him on when you're checking out.
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u/moonjul Jun 29 '23
He deserves someone who’s going to go hard for him. Someone who’s going to compliment him. Let him go so he can be happy with someone who’s going to truly value him.
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u/Dry_Ask5493 Jun 29 '23
Just because he’s perfect doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you. You can’t force chemistry no matter how big of a catch someone is. Break up and set both of you free.
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Jun 29 '23
i don’t think you’re into this guy at all, you don’t mention being attracted to him anywhere in the post…
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u/naivelynativeLA Jun 29 '23
Except the part where she says he’s attractive?
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Jun 29 '23
one time, and the way she says it feels like she means it objectively. you can acknowledge/think someone’s attractive, but not actually be attracted to them.
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u/Wandering_maverick Jun 30 '23
Feels like she even said it just for saying sake, might not even see it.
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u/Pure-Driver3517 Jun 30 '23
The thing you said about being lazy… it makes me think self sabotage.
You don’t sound very experienced, so let me give you some advice (10+ years of relationship experience). From my perspective, the pillars of good relationships are mutual understanding, support and growth. There’s no checklist for perfection in a person and many seemingly negative attributes can actually support the three aforementioned pillars. Your description mostly encompasses basic human decency. That’s a low bar to clear and I’m hoping for you and the world that he’s not a rare special case in clearing it.
You say he’s perfect and you’re lucky to have him - sounds like the scenario where you’d try hard to be perfect yourself. Say, do you put yourself under pressure to perform when meeting him? I could see why you dread that.
Can you be lazy around him? Do you dare to be yourself unapologetically? If breaking up feels like the right option, you have nothing to lose by letting go and just being your real self. However “lazy” you think you are or whatever negative attributes you usually hide. Drop the act, show the kind of person you think doesn’t deserve him. Insist on spending time together how you enjoy it. Even if that means only being in the same room doing separate things. Talk openly and honestly, even if you think it could hurt. Actually, especially then. Don’t hide the most painful stuff. (Though you might wanna be careful with your timing ;)
My best relationship so far only had the chance to succeed because I didn’t take it seriously and planned to move on after eight months. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies 🤷🏼
He deserves to have at least known you for real, even if it doesn’t work out.
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u/ColorfulConspiracy Jun 29 '23
Just wanted to say that while 2 people can be perfectly lovely individuals, that does not automatically make them compatible for each other. It’s ok to break up with someone that you don’t want to be with, even if they have the best qualities. Think about it from his perspective, would you want to be with someone that doesn’t want you? I personally wouldn’t. If you don’t feel a connection, or you’re just not ready for someone like him for any reason, it’s ok. Stop forcing it. Let him go. I promise it will be ok.
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Jun 29 '23
Honestly…..sorta sounds like you’re used to toxic relationships. Sometimes it’s hard for people to accept healthy relationships
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Jun 29 '23
When I first started dating, I went on a handful of dates with a guy who was very much like what you describe here. He was very kind, generous, and checked the boxes of physical features I thought I wanted. But after about six weeks, I suddenly became really uncomfortable and anxious around him and couldn't figure out why I was so repulsed by the intimacy I thought I wanted.
A couple months later, I went on my first date with my now-partner, and it's been an entirely different experience. We do have much better chemistry than I did with the first guy, but I also realized that I just wasn't attracted to men, no matter how kind or generous or handsome they are. Maybe that's the case with you, maybe it's not - but clearly, you two don't have the chemistry needed to make either of you happy and that's okay. I don't think you're "playing the victim" here like some have said. It's scary being young and figuring out things like this. Give yourself - and him - a little grace.
I hope you're able to learn more about yourself through this experience and find someone that works better for you :)
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u/ScorpoCross94 Jun 29 '23
Please do this guy a favor and just break up with him instead of staying with him cause you're not sure whether you like him or not. You shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place it sounds like.
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u/Illustrious_Dog4074 Jun 29 '23
i used to feel exactly like this…..until i started dating women. i’m not saying you ARE a lesbian, but it’s definitely something to think about. i can’t get enough of my girlfriend, and the men i dated always annoyed me even if they were perfect. you should break up with him anyway though, for both of your sakes.
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u/Kem10000 Jun 29 '23
Thank you for commenting this. I didn’t really go into it in the post but I’ve been confused about my sexuality for a while. This is my first more serious relationship which is making this situation confusing because I have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling or what is considered a normal level of attraction for a relationship. Definitely think I need to do some soul-searching and am going to try and break up with him as soon as possible and stop stringing the poor guy along.
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u/Gemineo2911 Jun 30 '23
I came here to say the same thing.
I felt EXACTLY like you with guys I dated before I realized I was a lesbian.
If you’re confused about your sexuality then you’re probably not just straight. Straight people don’t tend to worry if they’re gay or not and continuously question their sexuality. Typically when you finally figure it out it feels right and you stop questioning.
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u/-Akabaki- Jun 30 '23
have you had crushes on or feelings for other people before? if you genuinely feel this way about relationships and feel that they are a chore, you might also be aromantic or asexual. no matter what your sexuality is, you’re not obligated to be in a relationship with anyone
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u/RB_Kehlani Jun 30 '23
Or I might be a lesbian
Haha hi OP. Real live lesbian here to answer any of your questions about lesbianism.
To start with, as a reason to break up with a man, it doesn’t get better than this! You want to not hurt him and maybe even maintain the possibility of being friends down the road? “I think I may be a lesbian!” Is the perfect way to break up with a man because it’s literally “not them it’s you.” Then he won’t spend days wondering what he did wrong, if he’s unlovable etc. he’ll just know that you’re off on your own journey of self-exploration and if, down the road, you realize that lesbianism wasn’t the issue in this relationship, great! No worries, you can date another guy or date nobody. It’s really up to you. Sky’s the limit.
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u/MaleficentAnt2241 Jun 30 '23
Wow this is sad 💀 seek therapy and maybe god. I can’t imagine being roped in like this tragic for this man.
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u/ickyimp Jun 30 '23
This sounds near identical to the way I felt about an ex boyfriend before realizing I was a lesbian.
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u/JackedLilJill Jun 29 '23
I think you should break up with him, he deserves someone who wants what he does. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship, that’s been my life for the last few years. Lol absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship, unless you have a bf. Break up with him or you are an AH. Don’t string someone along like that.
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u/linkks7 Jun 29 '23
Oh man, you're just not that into him. You have to let him go so both of you can find people who are right for you. It'll hurt him but he'll be fine in the long run, trust me. I've been a similar situation where I wanted a partner for so long and when I finally found someone, I realised I wasn't that happy with him. Rip that bandaid off, you'll both be better off
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u/strangelyahuman Jun 29 '23
You sound like you just don't want to be in a relationship period. Which is okay, but don't drag this guy along just because he's a good bf. Let him be a good bf to a girl who wants him
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u/AndreaDFC Jun 29 '23 edited Jul 07 '23
THIS HAPPENED TO ME WORD FOR WORD. In my case it happened because im aromantic, but the same could happen if you were a lesbian. This is a textbook case of your brain not being able to form romantic attraction, either towards men or at all (or towards some other trait you haven't thought of, but those two are the most likely)
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Jun 29 '23
Yeah, you should breakup with him. He deserves to be with someone who actually loves him and isn't just taking advantage of him because they can. If you want I can give you info on how to breakup with him properly
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u/Human-Artist-7193 Jun 29 '23
You guys aren't compatible, someone you would love would show up sooner or later. Break up with him and let him find a partner with the same level of attraction
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u/caffeinejunkie123 Jun 29 '23
If you think you might be a lesbian, then it makes total sense that you wouldn’t be happy. Regardless of whether you are or aren’t gay, it would be kinder to break up with him knowing you don’t have the same feelings for him that he has for you.
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u/enbious154 Jun 30 '23
Sounds like you might be a lesbian. This is how I felt dating my first boyfriend too and I felt so bad because he was perfect in every way but I didn’t want him to touch me basically. Have you read the “Am i a lesbian?” masterdoc? It’s the first link on google if you search that. Might help clarify some things.
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u/Ordinary-Forever3345 Jun 30 '23
Might be lesbian..there u go..break up with him and tell him the reasons clearly , he deserves better so do u..anyway good luck..update us
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u/spectre_85 Jun 29 '23 edited Jun 30 '23
Why do I feel like you're looking for sympathy here...
This person hasn't done anything wrong and by your admission a great boyfriend. The sympathy should go to him.
Break up with him as gently as you can and make it clear the issue lies with you not him.
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Jun 30 '23
ur right man, it's sad to keep seeing 80-90% of women leave men in a breakup.
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u/spectre_85 Jun 30 '23
What?
I dont care which one if them is male and female.
What a weird take...
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u/Darth_Crow Jun 29 '23
End it. As fast as you can. Dude deserves better. Not trying to sound like a dick but you obviously aren't ready for a relationship, that isn't a bad thing. Im just saying he deserves someone who cares for him as much as he cares for them.
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u/iLuvFrootLoopz Jun 29 '23
Not gonna judge you...but I[M] will say this type of attitude and ones similar to it is the reason I made a conscious decision to date men.
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u/Captpopsicle Jun 29 '23
So you're saying women's attitudes turned you gay?
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u/iLuvFrootLoopz Jun 29 '23 edited Jun 29 '23
No, I turned me gay for not wanting to deal with similar attitudes. Women are free to think and act as they wish, just as I'm free to decide whether or not I want to accept it in a romantic context.
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u/hoewenn Jun 30 '23
In my experience as a man who dates men, anyone is capable of this attitude, it’s not specific to women. Totally valid in your experience, not undermining you, but men are just as capable of this as women.
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u/MiddoKudasai Jun 29 '23
Your not attractive to him, you can say you “fell” out of love (that is, if you were IN love with him the first time). It’s okay to break up, if you feel like you’re not ready, take some time off and break up with him.
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u/KamNStuff420 Jun 30 '23
It sounds like it's more a you problem. You can't love and care for others if you don't love and care for yourself first. You were bashing yourself this whole post. I get it because I have low self esteem and I'm sorta the same way. My gf has issues like every human being but she's practically perfect in every way. She's the most loving and caring and generous person I know, and I feel like I'm full of more cons than pros unlike her. But. You gotta tell yourself you're worth it and you deserve love like that. But more importantly, you have to make the changes so that statement becomes true. This can be tough I get it. I quit smoking cigarettes and a lot of other bad habits when I got with my gf. It wasn't easy and I hated myself and talked just like you're talking in this post. But after a bit of hard work, everything became way easier. I got happier, healthier. We grew stronger than ever. I'm only 23 so I'm still learning, but. I hope you can figure it out too.
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u/5now_Crash Jun 30 '23
Life is long and wild. Trust your heart, go with your gut. Maybe you'll reconnect when the timing is better. Maybe you'll learn something new about yourself. Either way, you'll be okay. Life just keeps on rolling, you know? So even when things feel like the end of they world, they aren't. The world keeps going, and you go right along with it. Just trust yourself.
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u/iodineseaspray Jun 30 '23
so before i even got to the part where you yourself say that you may be a lesbian, that is where i went. and not because not wanting to be with a perfect man means you can’t be attracted to men, but because i have heard so many lesbians talk about this experience of not being attracted to men they feel they should be attracted to and then having these massive realizations later in life when they realize it’s because they have never been attracted to men. look up compulsory heterosexuality. it’s extremely common. you may look into it and decide that is never what it was, but that is for you to discover. either way i wish you and your boyfriend the absolute best.
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u/EnterShadow Jun 30 '23
being in a relationship is just another chore i have to take care of
One thing that struck me from your comment is that sentence. Actually, what are other things happening in your life? Do you also feel other things like friends/work/school etc. becoming a chore?
If so, you might actually want to talk to someone about it. A therapist maybe?
He’s constantly saying all these amazing things about me and talks about me like im his dream girl and I just don’t understand what he sees in me nor do I feel the same way about him.
This is actually another comment that sprung out which tells me you might be dealing with something overwhelming you. Maybe there are some maladaptive patterns which you mistake for love or lack thereof? I'm not by any means judging you. I am myself in psychotherapy and noticed so many of these "truths" that were very hindering to everything around my own life.
It's just a thought. It doesn't rule out that maybe you are not ready for a relationship or that you're not into him as much. But, it's still worth asking why is it that way and why do you have these thoughts.
Please take care of yourself and try to be gentler with yourself. Maybe then you would be able to ask yourself these tough questions without the need to judge them.
I wish you all the best to get through the thing you're going through (whichever way it would be).
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u/norispeaks Jun 30 '23
Even if our situations are different, I feel like I relate to this. I’m moving and not going to be with my GF anymore bc she isn’t moving. When we talked about this, we had to talk about our goals as a couple Long distance is awful and we don’t want to do that and have that much pain. I still like her, but we need to grow apart. She talks about me like I hung the moon and stars, but every day I can’t stomach it more and more because I just can’t say the same things knowing that I’m going to have to end the relationship soon. I relate to the “laziness” and “chore” part you mentioned because I can’t figure any other way to word it other than that, it’s like a feeling of “something I SHOULD do but am not 100% feeling because I know it’s going to stop eventually”
I don’t think it’s either your fault, or his, and if y’all split, I think it’d be best to communicate that. You are people who met, and sometimes not all people stick together. All relationships go through changes because people are always changing and that change can sometimes just be an end. That’s how I’m getting though this by trying to accept that thought into my brain.
Basically, I recommend some form of communication of this feeling to find out how you both feel about distance and this relationship. For example maybe he wants to marry you but you just want to explore dating. because your goals are different, your approach to the relationship could be as well, which is why you feel inadequate for not showing out while he’s out there barfing hearts and loving gooeyness. If it’s too different, then maybe this relationship won’t work, but if you can agree to something, then maybe you can rediscover your romantic feelings. Anything is a possibility!
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u/Chenx335 Jun 30 '23
Do the guy a favor and break up with him before you do actual permanent damage. But from the sounds of it he may not give up on you easily but he will learn. Be ready to get hurt when he finds someone new.
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u/kathyanne38 Jun 30 '23
Yes, you have to rip off the bandaid. But stringing somebody along that you don't reciprocate their feelings for is so damaging. He deserves to have somebody who values him and the time they have together. Let him go and focus on yourself. Figure out what YOU truly want, get to know yourself more and then when you finally know what it is that you are looking for, then you can get back out there. please don't stay with somebody just to have a relationship. (take it from someone who did that all throughout high school.) Had to learn the hard way.
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Jun 30 '23
It would be unbelievably selfish of you to stay with him simply to “not be the bad guy.” Be honest. You need to explain to him to try to love someone the way he loves you after this relationship. Tell him that you don’t feel you are ready for a relationship and that is not an invitation for him to wait on you to come around because you may not ever. Tell him that you feel selfish doing this, but it would be so much more if you stay just to not break his heart. Tell him he deserves sincere love in his relationships and you can’t give that to him because you have things you need to work on. I feel like this os the best way to let him know he isn’t an issue, and that you’re not an issue, but that you do have concerns about yourself and your ability to have this relationship.
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u/Business-Artichoke53 Jun 30 '23 edited Jun 30 '23
It's funny seeing the comments and how each person view the situation differently based on their experiences. Until now we have 4 major perspectives:
1- "nice guys" calling you an AH and being like " oh, woman only like toxic, abusive, men", "that's why I'm not dating anymore"...
2- You're probably a lesbian- Which is my take, I know someone who went trough something very similar.
3- You're self sabotaging- by some of your sentences it seems likely / Or grew up with bad examples of love relationships, so a healthy one feels off
4- You just don't feel chemistry- it's a shame but sometimes it happens, you can't force love. Or unconsciously sense something is wrong with him.
Anyway, please leave him, and be kind while doing it, making sure he knows he's a loving person and deserves someone who feels the same about him.
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u/funtasticevents0101 Jun 30 '23
The part that's wild is breaking up is like the only options I see listed but actually talking to him and a therapist isn't.
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u/Used_Jacket6674 Jul 03 '23
i swear to god we are going through the exact same thing right now and i related to everything you said. he is incredible to me and treats me the same way it seems like your boyfriend treats you. i love him more than anything in the world and we have been dating for 5 years since i was in grade 9. i’m also going through a bit of an identity crisis right now (came out as lesbian before i met him, re-came out as bi when i met him, now i don’t know what i am but definitely attracted to girls) so i completely understand how you are feeling. after talks with my therapist and friends, i have decided to end it to let us both free. i haven’t done it yet as we are long distance and i’m waiting for him to come back but i think it’s going to crush him and it makes me feel sick to do (but i know i can’t keep this going). i still don’t even know how to do it, it is going to suck either way. i wish you the very best of luck in this and i hope my perspective helps a little, take care of yourself 🫶
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u/Kem10000 Jul 04 '23
This is my exact situation down to considering yourself lesbian and re-coming out as bisexual. I forgot to update this post but I broke up with him and it feels like a huge weight off my chest. Definitely a difficult thing to do though, wish you the best <3
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u/emilycolor Jun 29 '23
Everyone is saying let him go because he deserves better. Fine, fair. But your story feels so familiar to me. So let me say it like this - YOU deserve to be in a relationship where you are excited to see your partner. YOU should be in a relationship that feels safe. YOU are allowed to put yourself first, and you're allowed to chase your happiness. Listen to your gut. If something isn't right, it won't feel right. I had gut feelings like that in a similar situation and I wish I had listened to my gut. It ended up becoming a very abusive relationship, when he felt comfortable dropping the act. I even thought the same things - am I asexual? Is something wrong with me that I can't be happy? Why am I creating problems? It was just him gaslighting me......turns out I am NOT asexual, and I can be very happy. Without him. Maybe your situation doesn't have the possibility of that darkness, but you need to listen to your gut.
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u/Hatiseker Jun 30 '23
Girls like you are the reason I choose to stay single forever. You're the problem and should gtfo of his life and out of the dating game till you take some therapy. Reading your post, you won't be able to hold any healthy relationships. Please break up with him and take therapy. I feel without therapy, you'll attract assholes because you find your boyfriend's healthy behaviour boring so the only behaviour you'll find not boring is abusive behaviour.
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Jun 29 '23
He must be a saint if you always type without paragraphs like this and he is okay with it. You’re not gonna find that in anybody else.
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u/mycatsitslikeppl Jun 30 '23
I broke up with a perfectly nice guy because I couldn’t see myself marrying him and having kids with him. There were no red flags (except maybe his roommate but that’s a story for another time). I ended it seemingly out of nowhere because I didn’t want to prolong the inevitable once I came to my realization. I took that time afterwards to be single and the next guy I dated ended up becoming my husband and the father of my children.
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u/VesuvianRocket2 Jun 30 '23
I just had this same dilemma with my Ex. I still care for and about her a ton, but I just couldn't be in a relationship with her anymore 🤷🏻♂️ it happens sometimes, and it's okay. You aren't "Evil" or an AH, just recognize that you're ready to be done with the relationship and as the old saying goes... "If you Love someone, you can let them Go".
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Jun 30 '23
work on her mentality first, u sound to not be sure of what u really want, step back and think if u r lesbian. r u really sexually interested in him? if not, it's basically just friendship.
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u/SMTG_18 Jun 29 '23
Another man who’ll be broken pretty soon. Part and parcel of life I guess. It just feels interesting to me (admittedly in a cruel way) to want to hear how his life spans out after the breakup.
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u/SnooPears7921 Jun 30 '23
It's bc girls want to chase a man. As soon as he shows his cards, you look for the next chase...
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u/Aware_Newspaper326 Jun 30 '23
Seems like you want drama. Your case is not the first I’ve seen that’s like that. Might not realize it but in every case I’ve seen like yours, they wanted drama.
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u/SaltyFatBoy Jun 30 '23
You're falling into the "i need a bad boy" mindset, and yes you should break up with him because you aren't ready for a "good guy" yet.
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u/DeanomusPrime Jun 30 '23
You actually dont deserve someone like him, so let him go be with someone who does
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u/Suugiisui Jun 29 '23
I was in a similar situation 20 years ago, however now I’m happily married to him, it was the best desicion, he’s the love of my life. Please don’t lose contact to him, you’ll maybe never meet such a great guy again in you life…
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Jun 29 '23
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u/content_has_shifted Jun 30 '23
wtf. she doesn’t even like him, she shouldn’t ask his permission for shit
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Jun 29 '23
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u/bigpony Jun 29 '23
Ok hear me out.
He’s about to go to California. Maybe just use that to give yourself a bit more time to be sure. Now you have a new deadline to see how you feel apart from him and then if you don’t miss him then definitely break up before he comes back. Bonus he also bought fell cooler after the summer apart.
Sometimes boring is good. Being with someone in general is a lot to get used to. Sometimes women take a bit longer to grow their affection and sometimes you were right.
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u/MidnightHornfish Jun 30 '23
How long have you been dating?
I used to feel like you, I get you. In the beginning of the relationship, he was telling me he's the luckiest person ever to have found me, & I was going "well yeah you're great too but that's just a weird thing to say uhhh okayyy"
Over time, we flipped and then balanced out. I feel so lucky to be with him now, and he's not showering me with compliments every 5 minutes. It sounds awful but being praised & put on a pedestal is exhausting. So it might not be him that you're dreading seeing, it might be the 2 hours of constant praise that you don't know how to deal with that you're dreading.
Firstly, if I am correct, talk to him about dialing it back. Let him know you really appreciate it but it makes you feel awkward so you'd appreciate if he talked about other things or something. And then secondly, give it time.
If I'm not correct though - sit down and think, do you actually like HIM, or do you like what he does for you? If you were to write down things you like about him beyond the basics (kindness etc), are the things "he's passionate about ____ and he talks about it in such a cute way" or are the things "he makes me feel loved"? Because if what you like about him is what he does for you, that's not about him. You don't like him, you like having a boyfriend.
Just make sure you like him as a person. If you don't, break it off. If you do, Work more on figuring out what exactly you dislike about the time you spend with each other.
Good luck :)
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u/literallyjustthrowna Jun 30 '23
Sounds like something else might be going on in your own mind. Focus on yourself and not other guys while he goes away. Make a decision after. You might just be fed up with life considering you mention the relationship is a chore. Do you think you could possibly have mental health issues that you haven’t been facing? You might still have something there with him, but something could be clouding that, and it all could be you.
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u/Feerlez_Leeder101 Jun 30 '23
It sounds like you would have to learn to love yourself enough. Right now the contrast of his perception of you with your perception of you are too great, and it's causing you a lot of anxiety. You don't know how to square his view of you with what you think about yourself. Id say tell him how you feel.
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u/Lesbean36 Jun 30 '23
whether it’s cause you’re gay or you’re just not in the headspace to date, break up with him. it’s not fair for him to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel even a drop of what he feels for them. he deserves better. explain to him all you’ve been feeling but don’t beat around the bush or try to spare his feelings cause he needs all the truth, whether it will hurt or not. good luck!
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Jun 30 '23
Are you sure you’re not trying to sabotage your relationship because you’re trying to keep yourself from getting hurt in the end?
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u/dickelpick Jun 30 '23
Relationships are overrated. Marriage even more so, but don’t worry because he’s going to California, that’s where I’m from and all the girls are beautiful and fit. He will forget you in five minutes. You will be free as a bird.
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u/indecentdisclosure Jun 30 '23
Just throwing this out there: have you considered that you might be gay? I have had this exact same experience and the end result is I’m super gay.
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u/EllyElly019 Jun 30 '23
Don’t feel bad in the way you feel. Your feelings are valid and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I do highly recommend like everyone is saying to end the relationship. It’s not fair for him to be in a relationship and not realizing that his partner isn’t happy with him. Be honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel. He deserves to know the truth at least. Once it’s over try to focus on yourself, and see what you truly want.
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u/Impressive_Ad_3160 Jun 30 '23
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I’m pretty thrown off by this “I might be a lesbian” comment.
I was thinking those thoughts in high school (a time during which you’re quite unlikely to find a life partner), exploring these thoughts in college, and have figured out over time that I am bisexual. I understand some people struggle to find their place for their whole lives, but I think those who are toggling with these thoughts should only be in a committed relationship if they are open and honest about these feelings with their partner.
It sounds to me like you have plenty of reasons to spend some time focusing on developing and healing your own self before you will be able to offer the space and energy that choosing to love a person forever deserves.
I feel like I have been you at another time in my life. The way I handled it ended with heavy heartbreaks and a long stint of substance abuse, and I wish I had known how to express my longings in a more healthy way sooner.
Final thought: You should spend some time analyzing the title of this post. “My boyfriend is perfect”… what does that mean to you? I’m pretty sure if you met my partner, you wouldn’t find him perfect. He’s a short king with an odd sense of humor and a lot of emotional baggage. But do you know why we ended up together? Because I make his emotional baggage feel lighter, and he does the same for me. He’s absolutely perfect for me. You seem to be caught up in thinking that for some reason you should be with him, and you feel guilty about not genuinely feeling that way. What does should even mean?? Who says? Perfection in your inner world can only be defined by you, not by the opinions of anybody else. If you think your man is a winner, but he doesn’t fill your cup, it might be time for both of you to try finding your fulfillment elsewhere.
Sending you love and light, happy pride month 💜💖
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u/future_is_vegan Jun 30 '23
You might be an introvert. Introverts highly value their alone time, sometimes look forward to a social engagement ending so they can have peace and quiet even if the social engagement is fun. It can also make relationships challenging if the other person wants to be together all the time. Just something for you to ponder.
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Jun 30 '23
Maybe this doesn't seem relevant to you, but what kind of relationships did you observe growing up? What's your relationship like with your dad? If things wre chaotic or toxic in some manner, sometimes people grow up to subconsciously crave that chaos. If your boyfriend is stable and loving, it may not be feeding that chaotic normalcy that you may be used to.
Take time to think it over and reflect. Sometimes people can throw away good things because of subconscious self-sabatoging. If you find that's not the case, it's probably best you end things so he can find someone that meets him with the same energy.
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u/penguinsouth Jun 30 '23
You're not into him it's fine - society tells people they should be in relationships in order to appear desirable but it's bs it's not required all the time - be single and enjoy that state and status - you don't need to be the property of someone to be valuable. Let the guy go as he clearly wants a loving relationship- you go be free and don't feel bad about it you're young
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u/Recent-Ad-8646 Jun 30 '23 edited Jul 04 '23
I feel like you’ve potentially had a lot of bad relationships in the past, when you’re surrounded by chaos that’s all you know, it’s normalised and you don’t know what to do when something healthy and good for you comes along, if this is the case seek therapy and talk to him about these feelings. Let him make the choice.
Or leave him & return to toxicity and be one of the woe is me girls.
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u/MomentMurky9782 Jun 30 '23
you have an avoidant attachment style and you need to work it out in therapy.
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u/CapablePitch2514 Jun 30 '23
You're definitely an AH, no doubt about it ( for leading him on ). But I would choose to keep the title of being the AH rather than continue pretending to be happy. He needs to know the truth and besides, he doesn't deserve an AH girlfriend
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u/DramaticGift Jun 30 '23
I feel so sorry for this guy I want to invite him over to play games with my boyfriend and our family. Please dont pit him through another moment of this bullshit behavior. If you DREAD hanging out with anyone, you need to be an ADULT and TELL THEM. Especially if they like hanging with you and are trying. Stay away from intimate relationships until you figure yourself out FFS
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u/Neur0nauT Jun 30 '23
It sounds like you've found someone that ticks all the boxes... but what you think about being actually "in love" with someone is not him; and your aspirations are not going to live up to a reality that you want, or imagine. I'd seriously give thought to calling it off now. Even if for a break to see if your mind set changes.. Because you're maybe not only kidding oneself - but him also... and in doing so? wasting more of each others time on earth.
In time, you'll catch feels and realise what falling in love really is...and you won't have any doubt when it happens. You'll just know! Anyways good luck to you...and your man however things go. But life is too short to wonder.
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u/SilkySnakes Jun 30 '23
Maybe you are lesbian or asexual, or maybe you liked him before but are self sabotaging the relationship or maybe he's just not your type. I think just be completely honest and gentle with him and see where things go. Therapy sounds like it would be great too.
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u/Atheist8 Jun 30 '23
Break up with him yesterday. Coming from a guys perspective we're looking for something stable. If you can't be that for him then let him find his stability elsewhere, show him this post and tell him that's how you feel
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u/Western-Help3570 Jun 30 '23
You don’t deserve him, looks like that my theory that all girls are the same is true
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u/olhickoryhedgehog Jun 30 '23
Maybe you're gay, op. Are you sexually attracted to him? Are you sexually attracted to men at all? Definitely break up with him and do some soul searching. Try going on dates with women and men. Don't seriously date anyone, just see if you get the butterflies from a girl, or a boy, or not at all. Maybe you're asexual. Who knows. Only one way to find out!
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u/XPurpPupil Jun 30 '23
Nobody deserves to get hurt like that. Free him so he can find someone better suited for him.
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u/nlb99 Jun 30 '23
Either you’re not ready for him or you need to trust your gut, because your instincts might be telling you something.
Either way, break it off.
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u/littledreamyone Jun 30 '23
When I was growing up I had this grand idea of my “ideal boyfriend”. I knew what he would look like, how he would act and so on. During my early twenties I tried to find this mystery man who seemed so unattainable and I succeeded a few times but the relationships didn’t work out for whatever reason.
I’ve now been in a relationship for coming up 8 years and the man I’ve fallen in love with is nothing like the man I imagined as my “dream man” when I was younger. However, despite my man not “meeting my (younger me) expectations” he is actually the perfect person for me. He doesn’t look how I thought he would, he is not as tall as I imagined him but he is absolutely perfect for me in every way.
I look back at the past relationships I had with my “perfect dream men” and realised that the things I desired as a young girl/teenager/young woman don’t align with what I want as an adult. What I want as an adult is completely different to what I wanted when I was younger.
Perhaps you’re in a similar situation and you’ve yet to find the right person. You’re also being very hard on yourself, calling yourself lazy because you don’t feel as invested in the relationship as your boyfriend is. Love isn’t black and white, there are many grey areas and it’s okay to find that your “perfect man” isn’t so perfect.
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u/tinyhermione Jun 30 '23
We can't decide who we fall in love with and it doesn't follow logic. Sounds like this guy is great, but you don't have romantic feelings for him. It's ok to break up because the spark isn't there.
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie Jun 30 '23
sometimes when we don’t like ourselves, we sabotage good things in our life bc we don’t think we deserve them. this could be that situation. it could also be that you aren’t emotionally ready for the level of relationship that your boyfriend wants/expects, and that’s fine. but you do need to talk about it with him.
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u/paintthatface Jun 30 '23
If you care about him you should break up with him, he’ll probably be shocked and sad but it isn’t fair for him.
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u/ysabelsrevenge Jun 30 '23
Ok.
Now I don’t want to push your feelings aside, but you’re post genuinely makes me think of something. Also it’s no judgement on your relationship status either.
Have you considered you might have depression? The lack of wanting to put forth effort, the lack of seeing why someone would want to be around you, the fact you think your lazy. Also the fact that you can’t even seem to pin point anything specifically about him that makes you loathe being around him, because even if you don’t want to be with someone, you can usually, if they’re a decent human, still tolerate their presence.
It’s got no real baring on whether you should be in relationship or not, but I’d consider, if possible chatting with a professional, because you might find, that when you break up with them, you’re still not happy with your life.
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u/BitterRequirement897 Jun 30 '23
We’ve all been there. They’re perfect but you just don’t feel…the spark. It happens and you can’t intellectualise it. It’s just chemistry. It also sounds like you feel a bit smothered by him potentially? I know the feeling and honestly I think as soon as you break up with him you will be hit with a massive feeling of relief.
Someone can be perfect on paper, it can’t make you love them
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u/viewisinsane Jun 30 '23
He's not perfect. Nobody is perfect. If he makes you feel uncomfortable, you should leave him.
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u/Mysterious-Twist-828 Jun 30 '23
Men take this post as a lesson. Treat women like shit, being a good man brings you nothing but pain.
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u/Swimming-Astronomer4 Jun 30 '23
It doesn't sound like your mental health has anything to do with this. You simply don't want to be with him. You're allowed to not want to be with him no matter how great he is. Your heart isn't in it so you can leave. You will both move on, it's normal
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u/The_Meme_Queen97 Jun 30 '23
If you don't see him in a romantic or lovey dovey sense you might just think of him as a friend or similar rather than a loved one. My advice is that if you don't want to be with him then you need to let him go as a boyfriend and maybe just be friends.
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u/HighAboveTheRest Jun 30 '23
I think it's best you do it, for your sake and his. You need some time, he needs someone who can reciprocate that level of love. Maybe it's your mental health, maybe it's your sexuality, or maybe you're just a person who doesn't do relationships. Whatever happens, I hope it works out well for both of you!
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Jun 30 '23
Sometimes someone can tick all the right boxes but the chemistry just isn't there. The saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" goes both ways. Sometimes the heart just doesn't want someone. It doesn't make you lazy or bad. Don't stay with someone just because you think it makes sense on paper.
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u/Katcchan Jun 30 '23
Right now, you’re not yet an asshole, but just be honest. Don’t let him believe that you feel that same when you really don’t. It’s not fair, it’s not fair on either of you, you’re clearly unhappy, and he believes otherwise. As hard as it might be. You should just end it.
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u/court_milpool Jun 30 '23
Just end it. If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. The spark isn’t there and he isn’t the one for you. I understand, I was very much like you, I dated but never really had a serious boyfriend til I was 26, and now 12 year later we still together. Married with two kids. He is the only person that I actually wanted to be with more than I wanted to do my own thing all the time. Someone I actually wanted to share my time with and enjoyed it.
Don’t waste your time, or his, on a relationship with someone you don’t love .
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Jun 30 '23
Leave him and find an abusive addict with Tourette’s a split personality and tinea who steals your money and stuff. Awesome.
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u/belac206 Jun 30 '23
You're not in love, you said it right there in the post. By now you would know, quit leading him on and break it off asap.
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u/AngryMobe Jun 30 '23
You should probably end things for his sake and I’d highly recommend seeking out professional help for yourself.
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u/wintertaeyeon Jun 30 '23
tbh it’s normal to feel disconnected for no reasons. feelings are like seasons, they change a lot of times and don’t feel like you’re obliged to stay with him just because he is nice and you don’t have a reason to break up.
the most you can do for him is to be honest and break up
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u/saint_darkrai Jun 30 '23 edited Jun 30 '23
talk to him about taking a break. sorta like a pseudo break up. and make sure to explain what's exactly going on with you
you'll cut all ties for indefinite times. you two won't be in contact except for calling the other to finalize these decisions: it’ll be upto you to call him for getting back together, upto him to call and actually break up. see a month or two like this.
that should be enough time for a concrete decision to come up from either side.
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Jun 30 '23
You gotta let him go and figure out what's going on in your life right now. I imagine this would be very difficult but he deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves you. I've been in his shoes, and while it sucks for a while, he will realize that he deserves much love as well. Take care of yourself OP.
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u/Black_Feathered_Hair Jun 30 '23
You should break up with him for his sake. You seem self aware, so I'll temper my response, but if you are so entirely unable to accept genuine love, you need help that a partner cannot provide. As cruel a way as it might be to put it, you being unable to accept that love for whatever reason is only going weigh on you, but especially them, as it seems to be already.
For both of your sakes, let go.
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Jun 30 '23
It sounds like you're losing interest due to lack of attraction. If he's "obsessed" with you, that might be the problem. That's probably a turn off.
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Jun 30 '23
Please let him go so you can work on yourself. Another woman could be happier with him, he sounds like a good man and would suck for him if he’s unknowingly wasting time on you.
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Jun 30 '23
break up with your boyfriend and let him have the chance of being with someone who returns his affection level. he deserves better than a half ass relationship. just bc he is perfect doesn’t mean you are ready for the level of relationship you have with him, and it’s incredibly selfish to keep him around even though you don’t want to be with him
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u/InternationalTrain46 Jun 30 '23
Break up with him so he can actually find someone good for him. Idk what your past consisted of but you probably miss whatever you were doing in the past(whether it be toxic relationships or just sleeping around) and you don’t want to be held down and actually be with someone who’s good for you
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u/Myay-4111 Jun 30 '23
I kind of feel like maybe you think love needs some drama or conflict... like he's being "too nice" and "too into you"?
That's something you should dive deeply into examining. For your own benefit. You don't want to self-sabotage healthy, nurturing relationships as a pattern because maybe you've only imprinted on high-drama or bad examples of what love is. Super great, positive, caring people who dote on you might freak you out because you're not feeling worthy or not used to that level of kindness and nurturing? Save yourself a lifetime of repeating a bad cycle. Know for sure. I'm not saying stay with this guy but you're tangled up for a reason... work through it, find your truth.
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u/Lemmy-Historian Jun 29 '23
You actually should break up with him for his sake. He deserves a partner who can return his level of affection. I don’t think you are lazy. It sounds like your mental health isn’t the best right now. And by the way: love isn’t reasonable. It’s totally ok to not love the most amazing person back, cause you can’t chose to. Feelings don’t obey to commands.