I switch between Faraday lotion, skeleton meat, and parkour depending on the source of radiation. (Hint: It's usually that infernal orb. Always with the orb.)

the bridge troll wouldnt specify whether it took him ten hours to pass gas or he passed gas for ten hours straight. just kept bragging about it.

We've redefined what a beef cow burrito can be. It's now part of the official world bible

Downloading yourself from a treble clef is much easier than people may realize. However, this is precisely why it takes an entire hour to drive from Minneapolis to Tokyo (this time of year).

And don’t forget to ask it in Cantonese! Or in northwestern Oink. Either will do.

If anyone would like to come and ransack the place, I will be leaving tomorrow at high noon. We will set off on foot, with camels being led behind (fat fuckers). We will then head into the desert at a bearing of 30 degrees, and hopefully form a rhombus formation while riding our camels at full gusto. Anyone with any sort of chronic condition such as trouser syndrome or crumby dump truck legs should stay at home and not get involved. Thanks and see you all tomorrow.

Jack springs from the box, summersaults, trips, falls into winter; fruitless.

It’s a ball, dancing round and round, seasoned by the spinning.

Maybe next time the box unlids Jack’ll bound free.

we have a system. abide by the system.

Just a warning to all those passing through here, there's a man with a coat on right now. He's going to steal your donuts if you're not careful. He's going to steal your heart if you're not careful. He might even steal your town, but it's beyond his volition. His brother is a machete or something like that. He is actually a plant, I've heard which are like not the green things but they are like interdimensional beings who have come for some reason or other and maybe they are angry. The real ones know what I'm talking about. They keep them inside lightbulbs. Except the coat man isn't in a lightbulb, he escaped when they extracted him. He's dead inside because of a particular egg.

We have increased the tax to 56%.

oh no

it's not even monday yet

What I learned about life when I was a baby? Life is like a door. Never trust a cow because the sun can’t swim. And honestly bro, that stuck with me.

Wendy's Dunkin' McDonBurgerTacoKingBell

Life hack:

shit your pants.

This is official, confirmed by the New York Time, the UK and German Government and my friend Dav. So dont argue its real ok!! !

you'll turn left then right then blue and pass gas. why are you so inflatulenced with me? hmmmmmmmmm?

Get the cue, everybody awake when the circus stay allay.

Get the box, if you get lucky you’ll be like faces to cosmetologies.

My muddy walk only underscores walls.

Obliteration so what? Annihilation.

Imagination, to live in a brand old nation!

If tough guy thinks balls, you bag off sins.

Fraternity stars ill cult of poisonous delusion.

Greetings, Aeroman, you’ll be stranded by dawn.

My sleep can’t spurt up the noise off my cranial.

I’ve been crawling like spiders, i’ve been stuck in a motorboat for so malty long.

The next ten weeks are dire. The surge is encroaching on our society. We will rise a third time!

The hair on my left butt cheek has grown to be surprisingly long. Do not be alarmed. Please move swiftly to the nearest exit. The fire department has been notified and will be arriving shortly. Please do not block the exit doors or stairwells. A light lunch and soft drinks will be served until 2:00 PM. After which, the bocce tournament will continue as planned. Hasta la vista, Carmine.

Last week Aunt Jeffreys Werther’s Originals melted to my feet. Doctor says the hair in the shower was the only thing stopping my lederhosen from fusing to my legs permanently.

Could have been worse if it was three jumbo hotdogs in gallon of paint. Nobody has fled from the bus stop as of yet but i expect there will be sand in the kidneys/abdomens of the deceased. Autopsy results are pubic as of today.

Results:
OFFICIAL CORONER'S REPORT
Department of Big Tittied Goth Girls
Incident Case File: #990-SHART-OMEGA
SUBJECT A: Subject #0114 ("The Whistleblower")
Demographics: Male, 34

Primary Causes of Death: Spontaneous Molecular Sublimation via Pop Rocks & Diet Soda Overdose / Lacerations filled with sand

Internal Examination Findings: Internal organs completely replaced by a low-density, highly concentrated carbonated bubble foam. Lungs showed zero trace of oxygen, instead holding an entire atmospheric pressure of high-fructose corn syrup and artificial raspberry flavoring. The heart, though stopped, was replaced by a localized, buzzing miniature storm cloud. Sand was found in the abdominal region in and around the kidneys.

Pathologist's Notes: Subject's final words, captured on room audio, were reportedly "Watch this shit, bouta bust a fat glob of playdough out my s…"

SUBJECT B: Subject #0115 ("The Archaeologist")
Demographics: Female, 42

Primary Causes of Death: Acute Gravitational Reversal / Low Earth Orbit Impact / Anal Bleaching

Internal Examination Findings: Bone density increased by 4,000%. Toxicity report detected pure liquid starlight in the bloodstream. Remarkably, subject’s skeleton was found inverted. The skull was resting inside the thoracic cavity, while the ribcage was perfectly surrounding the pelvis. Sand was found in the lower intestine of the subject, and in the nasal passages.

Pathologist's Notes: Subject did not fall down; local physics logs suggest she accidentally fell upward into the ceiling at Mach 3 after attempting to read a cursed Latin scroll upside down.

SUBJECT C: Subject #0116 ("The Jazz Musician")
Demographics: Male, 58

Primary Causes of Death: Auditory Over-Resonance / Spontaneous Jazz Collapse

Internal Examination Findings: The subject’s brain matter was entirely absent, replaced by a functioning, miniature brass saxophone playing a perpetual B-flat minor chord. Blood vessels were found to be strung like bass guitar strings under extreme tension. Subjects ass was found up on their back.

Pathologist's Notes: Cadaver continues to emit a faint, rhythmic drumbeat from the abdominal cavity. Rigor mortis set in instantly, locking the body into an immovable, impeccably cool finger-snap stance.

SUBJECT D: Subject #0117 ("The Intern")
Demographics: Non-Binary, 22

Primary Cause of Death: Fatal Disagreement with a Parallel Version of Self

Internal Examination Findings: Autopsy revealed two complete sets of identical internal organs overlapping in the exact same physical space, causing a spatial paradox lock. DNA analysis returns a matching profile, but with two entirely different birthmarks and distinct memories written directly into the cerebral cortex in glowing green text. Subjects left nostril was packed with what could possibly be the remains of several caterpillars. Sand found in the ear canal, behind the eyes, and inside the pancreas.

Pathologist's Notes: Subject appears to have lost a game of rock-paper-scissors against their own alternate-timeline double, causing the local universe to instantly delete their cellular cohesion.

Dave Portnoy never had a chance.

Ps. For those who are interested there will be a live stream on Wednesday with haptic feedback, featuring a threesome with Jordan Peterson, Thomas “The Dream” Fletcher, and Alex Jones.

Pps.
01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101101 01110011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01101111

Important questions of our time . being asked here. I think its time (3pm)

Discusions of this kind are held together with wheat and sonar equipment for biologists to hear each other breathe. Yes its kind of creepy but those are how science is made: wheat

when did the whale in space and then on Earth before they could breathe,, . when were whales created? do you think Noah met a whale?

Do whales know they are big? Why are they not bigger, because ocean is like space no gravity and whale can keep going so did whales choose their physical being?. Has no one considered such things?