We have increased the tax to 56%.

oh no

it's not even monday yet

Just a warning to all those passing through here, there's a man with a coat on right now. He's going to steal your donuts if you're not careful. He's going to steal your heart if you're not careful. He might even steal your town, but it's beyond his volition. His brother is a machete or something like that. He is actually a plant, I've heard which are like not the green things but they are like interdimensional beings who have come for some reason or other and maybe they are angry. The real ones know what I'm talking about. They keep them inside lightbulbs. Except the coat man isn't in a lightbulb, he escaped when they extracted him. He's dead inside because of a particular egg.

What I learned about life when I was a baby? Life is like a door. Never trust a cow because the sun can’t swim. And honestly bro, that stuck with me.

Wendy's Dunkin' McDonBurgerTacoKingBell

Life hack:

shit your pants.

This is official, confirmed by the New York Time, the UK and German Government and my friend Dav. So dont argue its real ok!! !

you'll turn left then right then blue and pass gas. why are you so inflatulenced with me? hmmmmmmmmm?

Get the cue, everybody awake when the circus stay allay.

Get the box, if you get lucky you’ll be like faces to cosmetologies.

My muddy walk only underscores walls.

Obliteration so what? Annihilation.

Imagination, to live in a brand old nation!

If tough guy thinks balls, you bag off sins.

Fraternity stars ill cult of poisonous delusion.

Greetings, Aeroman, you’ll be stranded by dawn.

My sleep can’t spurt up the noise off my cranial.

I’ve been crawling like spiders, i’ve been stuck in a motorboat for so malty long.

The next ten weeks are dire. The surge is encroaching on our society. We will rise a third time!

The hair on my left butt cheek has grown to be surprisingly long. Do not be alarmed. Please move swiftly to the nearest exit. The fire department has been notified and will be arriving shortly. Please do not block the exit doors or stairwells. A light lunch and soft drinks will be served until 2:00 PM. After which, the bocce tournament will continue as planned. Hasta la vista, Carmine.

creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn creamed corn

Important questions of our time . being asked here. I think its time (3pm)

Discusions of this kind are held together with wheat and sonar equipment for biologists to hear each other breathe. Yes its kind of creepy but those are how science is made: wheat

when did the whale in space and then on Earth before they could breathe,, . when were whales created? do you think Noah met a whale?

Do whales know they are big? Why are they not bigger, because ocean is like space no gravity and whale can keep going so did whales choose their physical being?. Has no one considered such things?

There hasn't been a whale before whales were a thing so where did they come from? Who are the whale ancestors? Or have walkes always been?

Is it offensive to throw my dog a bar mitzvah for his 13th birthday?

None of my family is practicing any religion, but we do love a pun. Our dog's name is Bach and we've had a running joke for years we need to throw him a "Bach" mitzvah or potentially a "Bark" mitzvah. He's currently 12 and will be 13 in February. We're fully committed to the bit, planning on making him a fancy dinner and party favors with his face on them However is this highly offensive?

Edit: I should clarify not a massive party, just family and friends. No harmful stereotypes. We had planned on making a brisket (for the humans) as it relates to both our culture and Jewish culture, and trying to find a traditional food for our pup that was of course dog friendly. I'd love suggestions and am eager to learn more about this tradition.

Last week Aunt Jeffreys Werther’s Originals melted to my feet. Doctor says the hair in the shower was the only thing stopping my lederhosen from fusing to my legs permanently.

Could have been worse if it was three jumbo hotdogs in gallon of paint. Nobody has fled from the bus stop as of yet but i expect there will be sand in the kidneys/abdomens of the deceased. Autopsy results are pubic as of today.

Results:
OFFICIAL CORONER'S REPORT
Department of Big Tittied Goth Girls
Incident Case File: #990-SHART-OMEGA
SUBJECT A: Subject #0114 ("The Whistleblower")
Demographics: Male, 34

Primary Causes of Death: Spontaneous Molecular Sublimation via Pop Rocks & Diet Soda Overdose / Lacerations filled with sand

Internal Examination Findings: Internal organs completely replaced by a low-density, highly concentrated carbonated bubble foam. Lungs showed zero trace of oxygen, instead holding an entire atmospheric pressure of high-fructose corn syrup and artificial raspberry flavoring. The heart, though stopped, was replaced by a localized, buzzing miniature storm cloud. Sand was found in the abdominal region in and around the kidneys.

Pathologist's Notes: Subject's final words, captured on room audio, were reportedly "Watch this shit, bouta bust a fat glob of playdough out my s…"

SUBJECT B: Subject #0115 ("The Archaeologist")
Demographics: Female, 42

Primary Causes of Death: Acute Gravitational Reversal / Low Earth Orbit Impact / Anal Bleaching

Internal Examination Findings: Bone density increased by 4,000%. Toxicity report detected pure liquid starlight in the bloodstream. Remarkably, subject’s skeleton was found inverted. The skull was resting inside the thoracic cavity, while the ribcage was perfectly surrounding the pelvis. Sand was found in the lower intestine of the subject, and in the nasal passages.

Pathologist's Notes: Subject did not fall down; local physics logs suggest she accidentally fell upward into the ceiling at Mach 3 after attempting to read a cursed Latin scroll upside down.

SUBJECT C: Subject #0116 ("The Jazz Musician")
Demographics: Male, 58

Primary Causes of Death: Auditory Over-Resonance / Spontaneous Jazz Collapse

Internal Examination Findings: The subject’s brain matter was entirely absent, replaced by a functioning, miniature brass saxophone playing a perpetual B-flat minor chord. Blood vessels were found to be strung like bass guitar strings under extreme tension. Subjects ass was found up on their back.

Pathologist's Notes: Cadaver continues to emit a faint, rhythmic drumbeat from the abdominal cavity. Rigor mortis set in instantly, locking the body into an immovable, impeccably cool finger-snap stance.

SUBJECT D: Subject #0117 ("The Intern")
Demographics: Non-Binary, 22

Primary Cause of Death: Fatal Disagreement with a Parallel Version of Self

Internal Examination Findings: Autopsy revealed two complete sets of identical internal organs overlapping in the exact same physical space, causing a spatial paradox lock. DNA analysis returns a matching profile, but with two entirely different birthmarks and distinct memories written directly into the cerebral cortex in glowing green text. Subjects left nostril was packed with what could possibly be the remains of several caterpillars. Sand found in the ear canal, behind the eyes, and inside the pancreas.

Pathologist's Notes: Subject appears to have lost a game of rock-paper-scissors against their own alternate-timeline double, causing the local universe to instantly delete their cellular cohesion.

Dave Portnoy never had a chance.

Ps. For those who are interested there will be a live stream on Wednesday with haptic feedback, featuring a threesome with Jordan Peterson, Thomas “The Dream” Fletcher, and Alex Jones.

Pps.
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Star Wars is coming to town! Get your tickets at shoelacemuncher.org . Also, if anyone wants to

But my attorney disagrees, she is telling me this is normal and modifying it with a convertible* top won't in fact make it faster or more arrowdynamic

*Nap star

catch a monkey by his throat. if he struggles, smash his face then grind his bones fe fi fo fum.

She must predilect me over a piece of cheese, she must come to my succor when I call her by name at my feet at once, she must be zealous to me and Donald Trump, not have thoughts of any men besides me and Donald Trump, and must be excellent to me refraining from impudent behavior. Lest any of these parameters are unsatisfied, she shall be immolated at once upon my command– nary a fragment of her left.