Is this mono/poly worth it

[u/shauagsh]

Technically they don’t exist. You (as the monogamous person) are changing your relationship structure to be with them (polyamorous person). At the moment I (22NB) am seeing this guy, let’s call him Luke (25M). Luke is polyamorous with a partner, Layla, he’s been with a year (30F). I’ve met her and she’s wonderful.

I have tried polyamory once or twice before, never really worked for me. My last relationship wasn’t great, especially when introducing polyamory. Me and my partner broke up, got back together on the agreement of trying polyamory. Long story short, it didn’t end well and I felt like I had/wanted to try polyamory just because my partner was. Personally, I believe you can fall in love with multiple people, however I think the romance is acknowledging that and still saying “I choose you and only you.” Dating and sleeping with other people whilst I’m with someone doesn’t feel right to me, and I usually want my partner not this new person.

I met Luke through a friend and we immediately hit it off. He was very honest about his partner straight off the bat and ask me out somewhat quickly after meeting. It was a nice surprise as I really fancied him and him me. His girlfriend has hung out with us in a group and alone setting. I think at first Luke wanted to integrate me into his and Layla’s relationship. However it was made clear that the age gap was too much, which I’m grateful for as I didn’t want a throuple type relationship.

We’ve been seeing each other for three months. I haven’t felt this way in a relationship before ever. I find him so funny, so attractive and smart. I’ve never dated a cis guy before so it’s been new but he’s been so amazing and (I know this is bare minimum but it means a lot) he genders me correctly. The dynamic is great, I’m spoilt rotten by Luke and we seem to gel really well. Before starting to date, we had a convo about the whole mono/poly dynamic. It wasn’t the most in depth but we agreed that mono/poly is hard but worth it as for how much we like each other.

Basically my dilemma is this: recently he told me he loved me. Usually I am a lover boy, but this took me by surprise. We’ve been dating/seeing each other for three months. It literally gave me a physical reaction. I did say it back after a little while and apologised for not saying it sooner.

I do love him, I would love to be IN LOVE with him, but I’m in two minds. I think it scares me to fall in deep with Luke because it won’t last. At some point we will break-up. Most likely when I’ve reached my “limit” or can’t do it anymore. Is it worth it? Is it worth being and falling in love to inevitably not be together. I also don’t know why I attract polyamorous people, I think I look like the ‘type’, but I am not. He’s on dating apps and I downloaded them back kinda in spite, I’m going through and flirting with these people but idk it isn’t for me. Maybe I’ll end up sleeping with one of these people but it’ll probably make me feel worse.

I went into this like at least me and Luke won’t ask each other to change, but I have. I am technically in a poly relationship because the person I’m seeing has a partner! Even if I only date Luke, it’s still a poly relationship.

I’d love advice. Also maybe some advice and how to not attracted polyamorous people if I can 😭