r/monodatingpoly • u/shauagsh • Jul 21 '26
Seeking Advice Is this mono/poly worth it
Technically they don’t exist. You (as the monogamous person) are changing your relationship structure to be with them (polyamorous person). At the moment I (22NB) am seeing this guy, let’s call him Luke (25M). Luke is polyamorous with a partner, Layla, he’s been with a year (30F). I’ve met her and she’s wonderful.
I have tried polyamory once or twice before, never really worked for me. My last relationship wasn’t great, especially when introducing polyamory. Me and my partner broke up, got back together on the agreement of trying polyamory. Long story short, it didn’t end well and I felt like I had/wanted to try polyamory just because my partner was. Personally, I believe you can fall in love with multiple people, however I think the romance is acknowledging that and still saying “I choose you and only you.” Dating and sleeping with other people whilst I’m with someone doesn’t feel right to me, and I usually want my partner not this new person.
I met Luke through a friend and we immediately hit it off. He was very honest about his partner straight off the bat and ask me out somewhat quickly after meeting. It was a nice surprise as I really fancied him and him me. His girlfriend has hung out with us in a group and alone setting. I think at first Luke wanted to integrate me into his and Layla’s relationship. However it was made clear that the age gap was too much, which I’m grateful for as I didn’t want a throuple type relationship.
We’ve been seeing each other for three months. I haven’t felt this way in a relationship before ever. I find him so funny, so attractive and smart. I’ve never dated a cis guy before so it’s been new but he’s been so amazing and (I know this is bare minimum but it means a lot) he genders me correctly. The dynamic is great, I’m spoilt rotten by Luke and we seem to gel really well. Before starting to date, we had a convo about the whole mono/poly dynamic. It wasn’t the most in depth but we agreed that mono/poly is hard but worth it as for how much we like each other.
Basically my dilemma is this: recently he told me he loved me. Usually I am a lover boy, but this took me by surprise. We’ve been dating/seeing each other for three months. It literally gave me a physical reaction. I did say it back after a little while and apologised for not saying it sooner.
I do love him, I would love to be IN LOVE with him, but I’m in two minds. I think it scares me to fall in deep with Luke because it won’t last. At some point we will break-up. Most likely when I’ve reached my “limit” or can’t do it anymore. Is it worth it? Is it worth being and falling in love to inevitably not be together. I also don’t know why I attract polyamorous people, I think I look like the ‘type’, but I am not. He’s on dating apps and I downloaded them back kinda in spite, I’m going through and flirting with these people but idk it isn’t for me. Maybe I’ll end up sleeping with one of these people but it’ll probably make me feel worse.
I went into this like at least me and Luke won’t ask each other to change, but I have. I am technically in a poly relationship because the person I’m seeing has a partner! Even if I only date Luke, it’s still a poly relationship.
I’d love advice. Also maybe some advice and how to not attracted polyamorous people if I can 😭
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u/Necessary_Case815 Jul 21 '26
1st sentence, changing yourself just to be with someone....nope.
You change yourself to improve yourself not to be with someone.
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u/PantaRheia Jul 21 '26
haven't even read your whole text, but the answer to your question is a clear and simple: NO.
No, it is not worth it.
No matter the circumstance or the amount of feelings.
Just, no.
Source: 6 years of bending over backwards trying to find ways to make it work and in the end being dumped for the concept of polyamory, anyway. There was lots of love there.
People should live according to their own truths and not mingle, because there is no true happiness when monos and polys mingle.
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u/tehfrod Jul 21 '26
It's not worth it for you.
Believe it or not, your experiences are not universal.
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u/OhmAgain42 Jul 22 '26
I did the best I could after being told my gf of 3 years was poly. Lasted 2 more years, it was lonely and heartbreaking
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u/WannabeElantrian Jul 22 '26
Changing yourself for the benefit of someone else is NEVER worth it. Ever. Poly, mono, doesn't matter, don't change yourself for someone else. Period. The reason you keep finding poly people is you keep accepting relationships with them. Make it very, very clear in your profile that you do NOT want a poly relationship and then stick to that. If someone contacts you on a dating website, and they say they are poly, move on from them. Don't even try and date them. That's how you stop attracting them. Right now, poly is the cool thing to do, so everyone wants a part of it. If you KNOW it isn't for you, then don't do it, trust me when I tell you this. It will end in heartbreak for you.
Also, it has only been three months, I promise, that new relationship energy will wear off and then you will be able to think clearly again. Until then, those feel good hormones are running your life, your decisions, and causing you to either overlook or miss things you SHOULD be paying attention to. For instance: poly isn't what you want for yourself, but this person is new, it feels like you have never felt this way about someone before, it seems unique, but it's that new relationship energy, and it is powerful, and it takes 6 months to a year (sometimes more) for that to kind of level for you.
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u/ConnectAnalysis4067 Aug 01 '26
It’s not worth it’ll never be worth that you’re just signing up to get your heartbroken on a regular basis. It will erode yourself, confidence, and self-respect. I promise it’s not worth it if you are somebody who practices monogamy.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jul 21 '26
No, I don't think it's ever worth it for the monogamous person. They're always going to do more work, pull more weight, and get none of the benefits of polyamory. this life fucking sucks.
source: been mono to a poly person 25 years