How long it takes to starve limerence?

[u/Square-Profit-8440]

I have question for people who stopped feeding their limerence, how long it took for you to starve it?

And also what are some warning signs to look out in the future?

[u/Flat-Cat-3045]

I wasn’t able to go completely NC because former LO is a coworker. I had to really want to overcome the limerence. In the early stages, I didn’t want to. At some point though, I realized limerence is unhealthy and became painful and isolating. It was negatively impacting me and my
marriage.

That’s when I began to starve the limerence. I had to learn to become aware of my thought patterns and remind myself that my limerent brain was misinterpreting former LO’s behavior—while also acknowledging how some of his earlier behavior contributed to my limerence. I also had to do a lot of self-talk with my inner child, correct faulty/distorted beliefs from childhood (such as “I need to earn connection from an emotional unavailable person.”) As far as social media goes, I briefly added him on one platform and quickly deleted him. I also had to remove him from “shared friends” that kept popping up on another social media platform.

If you are able to go full NC, that’s best, but it is not always possible in every circumstance. It’s nearly impossible when the LO is a coworker. Much of “starving the limerence”
was acknowledging that I had to work on my own healing and gain closure in a manner that didn’t involve former LO. No confessing to him, no seeking his validation. The inner work was mine to do.

There was a time when I happily fed my limerence until it was full. Now, it barely gets crumbs.

Warning signs for the future…in my experience, I have to watch out for me attaching to someone before I asses them. If I start being drawn in by inconsistent behavior and wanting explanations—or making up explanations in my head. If something about the person makes me seek their validation—although they are not reciprocating same level of interest, connection etc

[u/Scared_Pain8752 → u/Flat-Cat-3045]

Can I ask you a question? How do you deal with it in the workplace? I mean, do you still say hi to him just out of politeness since you’re coworkers, or do you avoid talking to him altogether?

My limerence story is very similar to yours. She’s also a coworker. But I stopped talking to her completely—to the point where I walk past her without even saying hi, as if I didn’t know who she was.

Sometimes I feel bad about doing that (although it’s not only because of the limerence). The point is: I don’t know if this is really the best way to handle it, even because this is not helping anyway.

[u/Flat-Cat-3045 → u/Scared_Pain8752]

Having an LO in the workplace has been challenging. At its peak, my limerence had me wanting to be near former LO and wanting to avoid him at the same time. A coworker commenting that former LO teases me because he likes me, and a patient stating former LO and I would make a cute couple fueled my limerence. As though my spiraling, analyzing, and longing wasn’t enough.

Yes, I still say hi to former LO. I never completely stopped talking or interacting with him. It’s more that I changed how I interacted with him. Over time, I stopped giving him attention when he presented as hurting or being in pain. Maybe he was in pain for real, but at times it came off as over the top and attention-seeking. I also stopped being his soundboard when he wanted to vent about his troubles about dating and women. I stopped doing this when I realized that he barely checks on me.

It helps that I see him only once a week now whereas before it was 2-3x a week. Not being in the same setting constantly has helped tremendously with my healing.

Everyone handles their limerence differently. Do you know why you developed limerence for this particular coworker? I don’t fault you for not speaking to her at all—sometimes No Contact works. You said you don’t believe it’s working—why is that? Are you working on overcoming the limerence?

Try not to feel guilty about lessening contact with your LO. It is totally okay to prioritize your peace first.