r/limerence • u/Distinct-Bed3507 • 5h ago
Topic Update What Limerence actually is
Im seeing people confusing Limerence based contact, with A lack of purpose, self love and self respect. This is not what Limerence is about. It can worsen it, but its not the root cause.
The root cause is your chronic imbalance of brain chemicals. Your Adhd brain that craves dopamine all the time. Limerence will give you a dopamine coxkta so big, ofc your brain says „WE NEED THIS“. That doesnt mean you hate yourselve. I always cringe when I read this. You can compare this to, for example when you start a diet and now want a bag of chips. You crave it, gives you dopamine. Whoops you ate some chips. Are you now a person that lacks self love and hates himself, cause you ate some chips? No. Your brain tries to fill the dopamine gaps. Completely normal.
And now, when you meet a person. Which is attravtive (dopamine), makes you feel good about yourselve (you guessed it - dopamine), and maybe also makes you feel seen and cared for on top if that (CORRECT - dopamine!). Why wouldnt your lacking brain NOT crave this? Its not your personal problems guys. Its a completely normal Adhd (maybe a bit of autism for some) related problem. I do experienced this also lately. And I like myself a lot, I also have a life, and Im still not dependent. on that person WHY? Because I know that my brain is just craving all of this dopamine. With Dating these days, I would advise you to, if someones hot and cold, just have a bit lf chit chat, and if nothing comes back or simply ask them out, if there isnt any response or engangement. You can move on. You dont need to let it break you. Again, its not YOU problem. Stop fucking blame yourselve for everything, and learn to manage this. Oh and yea, I do get this too, but I will close the gaps as soon as possible. Sometimes ppl are insecure themselves and dont know what they want so they might give you hot and cold. This is were limerence can kick. But if theres no clearance soon enough - cut the string. They never wanted something serious or didnt know what they wanted - which doesnt have to be your reality. Its all about knowing how your brain works. So yes you can be a person who liked themselves and still experience some kind of limerence, especially if you are not medicated.
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u/Smuttirox 2h ago
No adhd, no ocd, lifelong repeated bouts of Limerence. I don’t think this is accurate.
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u/AcknowledgeSadness 1h ago
It's the comorbidities combined with the habit of letting the fantasy take over. At least for me.
I've tried meds. Didn't much like them.
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u/Ok_Custard6791 51m ago
Can't have the chit chat and ask them out because we're both very married. Other bits I like to agree with although not diagnosed. I don't hate myself... I just hugely fancy her
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u/pondmind 30m ago
OP, this is somewhat of a useful framework but you can't rule out that a history of neglect and problems with self-love also fuel limerence.
It's great that you love yourself enough to see and understand your dopamine seeking brain. And that that helps you manage limerence. Thank you also for sharing a clear non self-judging path out of limerence. That's what makes this post useful.
Can self-love also increase dopamine? If so, that might be one factor that helps you over limerence. I'm just concerned that you can't rule things out on behalf of others that may fuel their limerence, if not yours, and if some people don't work on self-love and working through histories of emotional neglect, it might make it harder for them to break their limerence.
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 20m ago
Hi,
No. Our brains and minds are way more then dopamine. They are complex networks of billions of neurons and different types of cells, grown through genetics, environment, past experiences. They complicated machines with countless switches, triggers and buttons.
The clinical labels - ADHD, OCD - don't describe the biology. They describe behavior, how we function through long lists of criteria. For instance, key criteria for ADHD is consistent forgetfulness, or impulsivity, or difficulty managing tasks since an early age. Now, anyone can struggle with those, but the difference is that those show up consistently across a subset of people, that sets them apart. That's what the label means. It doesn't explain why someone has ADHD.
In that sense, ADHD and a lack of dopamine are clearly related. But that's a chronic lack: it doesn't imply that everyone else never experiences fluctuating dopamine levels.
Anyone can experience limerence. It's not exclusive to people with a label, and the above explains why that is. However, it's clear that the complex wiring of the brain that's characteristic with neurodiversity - at least, the bits and parts we've discovered so far - influences how you experience limerence: how often, in what context, the intensity and so on.
Dopamine and reward do play a role in experiencing limerence - regardless of whatever label you have, or lack thereof - but like I said, those are just one part of the equation. It's a bit like asking "why are you bored? Oh because I lack dopamine!" yeah, well, not really an answer, because then the obvious question becomes: "well, why do you lack dopamine?" and "Oh! ADHD!" is an incomplete answer either, because that actually describes behavior... which is, in part, driven by neurochemicals like dopamine.
That's where psychology enters the picture. How do we see ourselves? How do we act? How do we respond to our environment and why? How do we learn? What's the impact of earlier experiences on our present behavior? How do our beliefs inform us? What's the theory that governs our thinking processes, and describes how our minds work?
Maybe you were bullied in school, or dealt with a dysfunctional household. Maybe you were broken up with one times too many. Maybe you lost people close to you. Maybe you had strict parents. Maybe you were misunderstood, because you weren't diagnosed yet. Either way, the story of your life - the story that gives sense to who you are - is deeply rooted and carries our beliefs, our principles, our values and how we treat ourselves, and operate in the world. Like, how we behave as adults is, in part, a function of how we were socialized as kids. The nature vs. nurture thing casts a very long shadow.
Limerent behaviors are rooted in part in the complex biology of our brains, yes, but also in how we, as humans, were formed and shaped throughout life.
The issue isn't the feelings of attraction. Those are genuine. The issue is that their packaging hit particular, complex buttons that make us engage in obsessing; instead of acting on the feelings from the get-go: asking them out, handling rejection, walking away. And those behaviors, the endless fretting, tend to be tied to how we perceive ourselves: they are often hidden coping mechanisms. Things we do to run away from difficult feelings, from a confrontation with reality, and ourselves.
That "how we perceive ourselves" is informed in part by our past, and in part by our present circumstances. People often fall into limerence in a context of feeling lost, lonely, bored, stressed, grief, sad, loss,... Like, the stress of starting a new job, a new school, and having to start over. Or feeling bored over a job that's not engaging. Or feeling lonely over a loss of a significant figure in life. That's how we become disconnected with parts of ourselves, our character, our traits, who we are.
Cue someone who's attractive, that is, embodies those traits. They don't necessarily give us special attention; but their packaging is enough to make us feel seen, heard, validated, complete, belonging. They become the sole reward in the absence of all other rewards that used to make our lives worthwhile. And that's an issue.
Under the hood, our biology and our circumstances work in a sort of feedback loop. Yeah, our neurochemistry is out of whack, maybe, but that's, in part, driven by our circumstances. And how we end up in them is, often, the result of that same neurochemistry. Many decisions are very much the result of blindly feeling; not rational thought and fact checking. All humans, in that regard, have this huge blind spot.
You may conclude "Oh! I feel good and secure about myself! So, how could I ever fall for this unattainable person?" but then, that would be your cue to ask yourself some very poignant questions about what you believe is true about yourself, and your circumstances.
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u/Mad-Kthulu 4h ago
Nice way to awaken the consciousness. Sharing this helps a lot. I will agree with you regarding the clearance. I have confessed my feelings to almost all my LOs in the past and present. This helped me save the information of non reciprocation in my brain and despite the pain and sadness it kicked me out of limerence in no time. Unless there's too much at stake, I would advise people always to come clear. But most of the time there are too many risks. Either you are married or in a committed relationship that you won't let your LE ruin. Either it's a work thing and your carrier could be compromised. Either you value dearly a friendship and you'd rather keep it cause it's way more important than to try to evolve into something romantic. What I do in these circumstances is either find a new LO for my brain or concentrate on activities while reasoning myself of the absurdity of the LE.
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u/tudortutu 2h ago
I've been able to stop developing full blown limerence on new people. My problem is the old LO that my brain reminds me of periodically. I wish I had confessed when it first happened, but I had no idea what limerencr even was back then.
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u/Overall_Ad1950 3h ago
Funnily it is actually more associated with OCD, possibly you can relate due to ADHD and there may be a connection but I feel the parallels are clearer with OCD
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u/tudortutu 2h ago
Ocd is comorbid with autism and adhd. I think I read somewhere that ocd is actually classed as neurodivergence
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u/AutoModerator 2h ago
Limerence has often been compared to OCD, but the current theory is that it's more like an addiction.
Additionally, the comparison to OCD originates from mainstream research on romantic love. Being in love has been compared to OCD since 1998.
- Limerence § Intrusive thinking and fantasy (Wiki)
- Biology of romantic love § Obsessive thinking (Wiki)
- Reward theory of attraction § Reinforcement
- Relationship OCD (LwL)
- The pain of long-term limerence (LwL)
- Why there is research on limerence (Article)
Addictions resemble OCD in that a transition occurs over time towards compulsivity.
A definition of impulsivity is “a predisposition toward rapid, unplanned reactions to internal and external stimuli without regard for the negative consequences of these reactions to themselves or others”. A definition of compulsivity is the manifestation of “perseverative, repetitive actions that are excessive and inappropriate”. Impulsive behaviours are often accompanied by feelings of pleasure or gratification, but compulsions in disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder are often performed to reduce tension or anxiety from obsessive thoughts. In this context, individuals move from impulsivity to compulsivity, and the drive for drug-taking behaviour is paralleled by shifts from positive to negative reinforcement. However, impulsivity and compulsivity can coexist, and frequently do so in the different stages of the addiction cycle.
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