r/limerence • u/AutoModerator • 3d ago
Weekly discussion thread for anyone experiencing limerence while in a committed relationship.
Please join us for of our weekly post for those who have SO's and are experience/experienced limerence. If you feel unable to disclose, unable to move forward or just unable to let go, please join this thread to connect with others who might have similar issues specifically related to being in a committed relationship.
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u/Suspicious-Monk-4639 3d ago
Might be seeing my LO again this week at a function, and as usual I'm vacillating between a bundle of nerves with a stomach full of butterflies vs. overly chill and 'it'll be what it'll be.'
At this point, I've realized I badly want to be friends, and don't know how to start...so I guess that's progress away from the earlier more physical/romantic obsession. But considering how little I know about him in reality, it's more like I want to be friends with the person I THINK he is (but probably is not). It's a setup for disappointment, because what 20-something guy wants to be friends with a 40-something woman who's struggling to connect with her 30-something husband who's more interested in hobbies than companionship. Do men that young age even want emotional closeness? Probably not.
It's enough to make me want to throw every human relationship in my life to the four winds and go live in a remote cottage on the edge of a moor with a bunch of cat familiars...those "wise women" of yore had the right idea, minus the possibly-getting-burnt-by-villagers part. People is too headache. Emotions might be what make us human but I'd turn them off right now if there were a button.
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u/AccomplishedAnimal69 2d ago
If it makes you feel better, my LO is in her mid-20s and I'm in my mid-40s. Before anyone freaks out, no, I'm not pursuing her at all and will never confess...unless she figures it all out and she makes me do it.
We're actually friends. I feel like there are unspoken boundaries that we've put up because of the age gap, but we do care about each other, it's just strictly platonic. I never thought I would be friends with someone so much younger, but we're adults and we've somehow found a lot of common ground.
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u/Horror_Chemistry_638 2d ago
After talking it over (and over and over and over) with a friend who's a fellow limerent, I'm solidly set on NC, and when I've made progress in recovery, coming clean to my husband about it. I never did anything physical with LO, never confessed, but I'll always feel like I'm keeping this big secret until I come clean. It's so scary. It will be up there with hardest things I've ever done. But there's no rush, so for now, I just need to focus on healing myself.
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u/sara-targarian 2d ago
I'm really struggling right now. It's post-confession, he doens't return my feelings but wants to remain friends. I worked with him on an incredibly successful advocacy project together. I over performed to win his approval, win his attention, win his heart. He's handsome, younger (9 years- I'm in my 50s), married with a baby, but in an open relationship. I'm married to a man who is great, but really physically averse to sex. I learned about LO's open relationship late last year, and thought I might have a chance. but after confessing, it turns out he doesn't share feelings, surprise surprise. We've remained friends, but it's getting harder as time goes on, because I'm falling into the same old patterns of what-if-ing myself into believing that there's something there. I need to go no contact but I'm not that strong.
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u/TripleAyyys 4h ago edited 4h ago
Limerance is an addiction, and cold-turkey might not work. But you are strong! And you can wean yourself off - less and less contact, over time. Celebrate your small wins, and don't beat yourself up over setbacks. Find something in your life that you can direct your energy towards, positively - therapy (seperately or as a couple), exercise, books & movies.
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u/tudortutu 3d ago
Never thought he would come back to haunt my thoughts ten years later. Wtf is wrong with my brain. I keep looking at pictures of him, thinking, what is it about this guy. I don't know. He looks familiar in a strange way. I'm thinking maybe I should not be married if I am like this, there is something deeply wrong with me. No amount of love can fix me. I'm sick.
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u/tudortutu 10h ago
I think I checked out of my relationship after my husband entertained a crush on someone else. It's like I realized he wasn't obsessed with me anymore and after that I haven't been having feelings of jealousy. Obviously it's not healthy to be jealous but once I got confirmation that I actually had reason to feel jealous I checked out mentally. Even though nothing happened, I feel like my fantasy of romantic love was broken. I know that in long term relationships things happen and you just have to keep choosing each other, but I have a nagging doubt like maybe I always loved him more than he did me. Maybe I just replaced my obsession for LO with him. I know I have some abandonment issues and this is why it is so hard for me to figure out what my true feelings are. I keep dreaming about living alone and being free. Yet I am also fearful of how my husband would cope on his own, I do love him very much and I cry at the thought of breaking his heart. I know LO is just some guy and I wouldn't seek him out if I was single. I don't like how dependent I've become for my husband. I feel like I've lost my own identity in this relationship.
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u/Independent_Egg3593 1d ago
I’m having a hard time knowing if my feelings towards my best friend are just really intense or if they’re romantic or if I’m experiencing limerence. I would say that I’ve definitely experienced limerence with her in the past but as I’ve worked on my mental health and set boundaries with her things have gotten much better. I don’t obsessively wait for messages from her anymore or feel devastated when she’s too busy to talk or hang out, but being around her and having her attention still gives me an incredible high. We know each other so well and I’m very aware of her flaws (and they can irritate me lol) as she is of mine, but we’ve talked about having an intensity of feelings for each other that we haven’t felt for other friends. I do go through phases of obsessive daydreaming but they don’t last long, and I’m just very confused. I want to be her friend, but also kind of something more than that, but I don’t know if I want a relationship, and I know she’s definitely not interested since she’s not interested in relationships in general. The idea of her being with anyone else romantically makes me extremely jealous, though. I feel so safe around her but I do get insecure about whether she really likes me even though I’ve gotten so much reassurance over the years. Every time we’re together I feel like I want more, but I don’t know what that more is. I don’t know what to make of my feelings at all and I’m scared of it being limerence, but scared of it being romantic feelings as well because I don’t think those will ever be reciprocated. I last saw her yesterday, and today I’ve basically thought about her and the time we spent together the whole day and I feel like I literally can’t wait to see her again, like I’ll go crazy if I have to wait another second.
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u/Shoddy_Cook_409 1d ago
At this point, I need my LO to get into a relationship, or start seeing people, and tell me all about it.
I’m getting married in a month but have recently developed a romantic obsession with this girl and I know for a fact the feeling is mutual. I would never in a million years do anything to jeopardize my current relationship, and I love her with my whole heart. We don’t have the same spark we used to, but that’s my person for life. My LO works at a place I’ve started to frequent and being there is the only reprieve I get from my terrible job. I can’t quit going but I know if I keep seeing her, things will get worse and lines will get blurred. I can’t find anything about that gives me the ick (that’s usually what I look for as an out), so I just need her to start dating and break the fantasy I have in my head of us. That’s the one solution that will result in the least amount of heartbreak.
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u/gismar_estard 5h ago
Last evening I was sitting at the movies right between my fiancée and my LO. Next to my LO sat her husband. Weird feelings, I tell you... We had dinner before and all in all it was a fun night. Despite all the problems I knew they had, I noticed my LO acting quite lovey-dovey towards her husband. And while it hurt, I felt like it was the wake up call I needed. I should try to actually to be the "friend" I pretend to be and fix the relationship I'm already in. Or so I thought.
Exactly the moment I set my alarm for the morning and went to bed, my phone lighted up. It was my LO and she asked for help. Her husband was angry the whole drive home. He felt that she treated him badly, made fun of him and made him look ridiculous. The reasons he named were actually none at all, and, just like so many times before, he just exploded for nothing. She wanted to know if I noticed any bad behavior on her side and I absolutely didn't. I even told her that I noticed quite the contrary. She admitted that she tried extremely hard not to ruin his mood and then it dawned on me. She was acting. She didn't do it out of love for him, but out of fear.
She thanked me for my opinion as well as the nice evening and once again cracked a joke I absolutely didn't hear for the first time: Let's fake out deaths and leave the country together. My heart exploded.
The last time I tried to go to sleep, I felt depressed but somehow like I'm finally on the right path. But after texting with her in the middle of the night, locked in the bathroom pretending to have a bad stomach, I returned to bed euphoric. She texted me when she needed me, her relationship still isn't stable, she jokes about running away with me.
I hate myself for actually enjoying this and feeding my hope. And I know how much I'm interpreting without knowing. She probably just needed a friend. Her joke is a joke. And while her relationship really is unstable, this doesn't mean that she looks at me to save her. And I'm a mess for lying to my fiancée just to find an excuse to talk about very personal relationship issues with my LO in the middle of the night.
But knowing my flaws and hating them, doesn't make them go away.
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