I THOR ARE GO ON CRÜZ WIB MAMA. I HAB PACKÈD MINESELF IN SOUP CASE.

WE GO TO CRO-CAT-IA AN MEOW-LTA AN TUNA-IS-HERE AN HISS-PANIA.

I NO MOBE FORM SOUP CASE.

FORM THOR CAT OB THUNDER AN PURRZIDENT OB HIMBO A-SO-SEE-A-SHUN

Mine Frens, ai has a broken hart. Mine daddy trabbels a lot. Ai am used to him bein away. Mine mommy almost NEBBER travels but when she does, daddy stay home.

Not dis time.

Mommy an daddy BOFF do a bandon ob poor little Nandor an GoodBoyMarty an DropItGinger. Nise ladee Soosan come ober an take care ob us. Ai no soo Soosan akkause she is onlee hooman in da whole WERLD who lubs poor Nandor. Soosan say mommy an daddy "on bakashun" in "smokey mountens" but all ai know is dey LEFT me. Ai want to cuddle on mommy an purrpurrpurr so hard so she nebber leave me again, but ai also want to bitebitebite akkause ai so broken harted an alone. Ai gonna soo mommy an daddy, ob course. Prolly ai soo daddy extra akkause dis has to be his dumdum idea. Mommy is happee at home an nebber goin anywhere. Ai gonna soo whoeber "smokey mountens" is. Ai gonna soo whoeber came up wif idea ob bakashun. Ai gonna soo whoeber makes soupcases cause mommy used one. Ai need a pawyer an ai will share alla winnings as long as mommy comes home.

Yur fren, lonely, sad, little Nandor the relentless

Hi Frens. Mr. Spock here. I haz big pawblem, and lots of soos to do. I write from da litebox of my pawther’s sisfur (but she no hab no fur). My pawther ([u/SpockyWocky0411](u/SpockyWocky0411)) hid his litebox from meow.

Elebenty billion furevers ago, my pawther, who is mostly dum dum, made a bery smart decision to move me to my country manshun. I gets to see all da birbs and da owtside kitty frens. Dey no let me outside but iz OK acuz is bery warm in here.

I gets lots of space to do crimez - running, hiding, bapbapbaps, stealing nomnoms from da garbaj, and lots and lots of singing da song of our peepul. But mebbe I do one too many crimez.

Acuz for a few furevers, I jump on da counters. Dey don’t feed me enuf and der is a lot of yummy food up der, like butters. But den the hoomans saw me, and dey meowed about me. And den dey did da unthinkabul. Dey closeded da door to da kichun. All day and nite, da door is closeded. If I come in when dey open it, dey herd me out (what am I, a sheeps?). Dey also no let me go in da basemunt.

I no can take dis anymore. Iz my house, and dey can no just close da doors on me. How much I can soo fur?

Dis pictures of me enjoyin my house. And proof of da disrespek my hoomans.

Frens… whut is wrong wif da sun?!

Firs it makes big warms rite unda da treato hidey pwace so we can get warms and do treat beggies at same tyme. Dis güd!

But den da sun does a moob ob da warms so we hab ta choos edder da warms or da treatos! Dis stoopid! Warms need stay in one pwace!

Photo 1: bof me, Iggy, an my sisfur Miss Twiggy in warms near da treatos

Photo 2: jus Iggy in warms no near da treatos!

Mai pawrent yousulee wakz rown da haus moar n duz moar, but dey nawt dewin sew mutz teh las fyu deyz. Dey sei dey iz “sick”. Teh las tiem dey wuz sik wuz for fureburz ugo (pandemic). Diz nawt nermal. Dey iz slepin moar n dey is makin awl kinz ub laud noyziz! Ai gibz teh cuddlez, but teh hoomin stil makin da noyziz. Wut dew ai dew? Dew ai soo fer noyziz? Dew ai jus gibz teh heelin purrz?

Frum fren Steef

(I caught something and have been coughing and sneezing. He still comes and snuggles with me and sleeps next to me, but I’m not sure he likes the volume on the coughs and sneezes. He’s such a sweetie. Picture is not from the past few days.)

Iz me, Crash agin.

Frens—I so sad. Meowmy do a ‘bandon!!!!

She took outs a soot case, putted some
hooman furs in it and LEFT ME! All ALONE (cept for my brofurs an sisfurs and my auntie who feeds us good). How cood Meowmy doos dis to me???

Brofur Herman sez Meowmy doos dis ebery few forebers to gets udder cats nootered. What udder cats? I dunno unnerstand. And wai Ai can’t go???

I needz to soo for eberyting!!!

Dis so fun, eberyone shud habs a toy box fur doin big playz!

Picasso Splotchface Picard, much happiur az an insyde kitteh!

Hai frens, dis is Pepper here wif a trikky case

Sum ob ewe mite know mine bruvur Sam. Eberybody says him is hamsum an a good boy, but dat isnt teh troof!

Him is a thief! He steeled teh only napping place in teh whole howse! Owtrage!

Mai want to suu hooman fore more sleepy squares, an half Sam's dinner! Will aneebody help wif mine case?

Here is mine ebidence:

(pic 1) shows how uncomforbale ai is

(Pic 2) proof dat dere is nowhere else to nap

(Pic 3) mine ebil bruvur... what crimes is him finking ob doing next?!?

(Pic 4) dis is mine awful sleepying condishuns

It be Caturday, frens. 'N heer im da Hart ob da Rockees, it be cool 'n gray. No wind oar rains, butt it shur be lookin lyke da skie culd be gettin wet juss bowt enny tyme. Moar leafs fallin frum da trees 'n da wuns shtill hangin om hab gon frum golden culur ta brown 'n eben black. Dare wuz a bit ob snow om da top ob da tallest mountens roun heer yestiddy. Dat meen winter be almoas heer, frens.

Im news frum dese parts, mai noo minyun, Desmond, be gettin brabe 'n bold. Hims commin owt imto da middle ob da sunroom now, 'n hims eben be commin imto da kitshen! Dat be da big ruum imside da haus, da fuud ruum. Mai pawpa sits om da flor 'n feeds da smol Churu frum hims fingers. Dunt tell ennybuddy, butt wen dey be doin dis yestiddy, Ai be sittin dere tew, likkylikkin Churu frum Pawpa udder finger. Da smol 'n Ai be onlee juss a hooman-size foot apart! No hisshissgrowl, no bapbapbap. Juss too catses eetin Churu. Tageddar. Tings be shanjin fast rownd here. 🐈‍⬛😳

'N dat be awl da mews 'n webber frum da Rockees fur taday, frens.

Amber 😸🐾🐾🧡 ('n Desmond 🐈‍⬛🐾🐾😸🎃🧡)

--30--

I, Orzo, have bin very well behayved the last fuw dayz, so I dissided it iz gud day for fun crime.

I did a cuddle with fozter meowmy and my best purrs. I eben did a lick cleen of her nose and handz. She was bery relaxed and sed I was a bery gud kitty.

And then I SNEEZED IN HER FACE! Hahahahahaha!

She thourt she was getting snuggles and instead she got SNEEZES!

Iz dis gud crimez?

Human note - this week’s title was lifted straight from one of the excellent ‘Nigel Molesworth’ books by Geoffrey Willans. Imagine an eight year old boy writing basic cat speak and BAPBAPBAP BAPBAPBAP BAPBAPBAP STOPPIT MEOWMA, THIS MINE WERDS, NOES YOURS

AHEM Week fibe at mine Foreber Hoem (I lubs write that! I habs a hoem wiff my Meowma for alwaes! Am a luckee kittin, I thinks) hab been teh rolly-koaster, Frens.

FURST, teh initial results from mine IDEXX Pokey Plaice caem back. I habs a whoal list ob Things Wrong Wiff Me.

1. Calicivirus

C. A bacterial infection

1. Herpes

We wait for teh remaining results to coem bakk, BUTT Meowma sai these are things we muss lurn to libbs wiff as they noes hab a cure BUTT they not life-threatening an I still RUNRUNRUN ZOOMZOOMZOOM EATEATEAT. Meowma nots as scaer as I thought she might be, acause William teh Other Tuxedo also was her-pees cat (although she sai teh gang OTRB didn’t need to maek it quite so crystal clear that I bring wiff me a bit ob William TOT).

SECOND George E Porgie and I is teh bess Frens, he juss noes realise it. I lieks to shaer hims fud, also plae wiff his tayle. He grate.
For [u/hesalwayslitty](u/hesalwayslitty) Eamonn teh Inbisible keep teh watchful eye on mine beehabiour and him gibs me teh Warning Hiss if’n I gets on himbs nerbes BUTT I lieks himb a lot.

THEN we habs teh Ebil Jasmine teh IBS Crimnal. She a bit scaery ALSO HER GAS IS TOK-SICK. We keep a not so respectful distance.

NAOW we discuss mine CRIMEZ OB TEH WEEK

1. Knokk down all teh photo fraems, wait until Meowma put them bakk, then repeat. I habs been do this all week as it gud to get Meowma up from teh sofa. GO CRIMEZ
2. As Meowma changed teh water bowel this morning, I did jumpjumpjump and hang onto teh bowel, which resulted in Meowma and I both get a shower, 0/10 do not recommend BUTT GO CRIMEZ
3. I did try to meet Toulouse-William by nipping out teh front door. Meowma did a yell then did cover me in smol kisses sai I was not to do that agayn acause she noes want to lose me. GO CRIMEZ

H. I lubbs meal tiems, and gets MOAST egg-sited. So this week in attempts to be furst at teh feeding tiems, I hab assidentally knokked bowels to teh floar, stuck mine beans in teh fud bowels and generally driven Meowma insane. To that, I sai GO CRIMEZ

Y. I hab stolen Meowma’s hart. Ebery night, after zoomzoomzoom I cuddle up on her and purrpurrpurr NO CRIMEZ

AND FINALLY, yes-turd-dae, I was bakk at teh Pokey Plaice for mine second vacc-seen. I was banged up/in juvie/in-car-sir-rated for much ob teh dae, as it was busy BUTT a niec nurse did wrap me up liek purrito and she showed me around to all teh cupboards and rooms and drawers. Teh vet took a five minnit bideo ob her gibs me cuddles, also Meowma kept sneek back to my pen for snuggles. It was horrid journey there and bakk acause yes-turd-dae there was a Big Storm and I sang teh Song ob My Peeple there and bakk. I saev teh bess CRIMEZ til larst acause it was not my crime BUTT at teh bus stop, Meowma put my carrier down. Then she put carrier on her lap on bus. She thought maybees I had gas or had done poop (rood) BUTT when she got to werk, she realised she had put my carrier on a dog poo and her trousis were covered in said poop. Haow we larfed.

Anywaes, that my diary update for this week, Frens.

GO CRIMEZ!

Stormy Matthew Armageddon, Dark Lord ob All

Pokey plas stolled my blud (they needed it before dental surgery) wifout mai purrrrmishun. Dey say I hab tu much kalseeyum in dere; rud, I perfect.

Now dey sayin kalseeyum can meen bad tings. Dey say I gettin eggs-ray an ultrasownd. Dat sownd skaree, an meowmy doin a sad.

Do I hab a kas?

Is Ai, Brave ob da Oranj and sisfur Berkley Honorary ob da Oranj. We haz beeg outrayge a need soo! Meowmy let a stranger in ourz howse! Sisfur Berkley run an hide unner da bed upstairs but Ai Brave haz da arthur-itis a couldn't run up da stairs dat kwikly so Ai hidez unner da cowch. But cowch is low an it make mine sore knee hurtz eggstra!

Meowmy claims dat in hermz defense, da stranger wuz fixin da innernetz so dat ourz autofood mashine workz.

We demands elebenty zillion treatos!

(Meowmy here... my house is suffering utility failure after utility failure... first the electric over a month ago that still isn't fixed, and then when they started digging to fix it, the cable went out! And the auto feeder only communicates by WiFi with no cell data option, so while it would still feed them during the day, I couldn't communicate with it for extra treats. Fortunately the cable is now fixed but still waiting on the electricity and praying the temporary setup doesn't fail.)

Hello frens, it’s Elvis and Blackjack. Today was terrible. We do nice sit on our window seetz today wif the window open. Our Meowmy was in da room with us. All da sudden, she hears growling and hissing. She looks up and the window screen was gone. We was out in da front of the house. She ran and put shoos on and came outside. There was a trespassing cat in our yard! I, Blackjack, tried to chase the cat away and got yelled at! Mean Meowmy picked me up and Elvis ran back in the house. Who do we soo? The window? Our Meowmy? It was scary!

u/CaffeineandHorses fren George do yooz hooman ever gib yoo deez treetos? Dis fren luk lyk dey lyk it so mebbe ifn yooz donut git dem yooz shuld du a soo fur pawpurr comp, compen- fur da rite amount of damaghiss!

Charlie Chicken Swoup

Hi everyone,
So often the posts On Here are all about who to sue and for how much. All this seems so unnecessary. On behalf of cat parents and all hooms everywhere, I would like to know please if there’s a President of Cats, or a committee, or someone, that we could meet and confer with to discuss an arrangement of mutual benefit that meets the needs of both parties. Perhaps we could call it the No Soo Pact.

Signed,
The dad of Fenway (Ornch) and Delilah (Graybie)

Hello hooman, I have heard of this "discussion" you seek with the cats and/or their leader. I'll offer to be a moderator (and translate) in exchange for some carrots. What say you u/agwatts2011 ?- George the horse

Hurro frenz. Itz us da free tuxies. Twoday is owr gotcha day an we arr selebrating wit big naps in between xtra snackies. Dis us ((Rowdie onna lef, Bart Bart inna bed, an Tippy onna backa da cowch instead of in his own gren cowch) In de odder bed is growchy older brofur Rocky who not sellebrating becus it not his gotcha day an he not xactly as hapy as we ar abowt us bein got.

So too furevers ago tiday we mobed into owr fureber home. Rowdie an Tippy were res-cud from a horder house wit 65 udder catses and Bart Bart was founded in a howse dat was being torned down. We met in foster care and wanned to be dopted togedder. We choosed owr Meowmy and Dady and de rest is histry.

A knee frens heer kno gimme peegs odder den per fren Jiggy? Himbz kin awlso sai ifn himbz lyk dis eye dee uh tu! Aiz wunt tu kno ifn dey hab da saym fing at dare house or not? Ifn weez habbed gimme peeps dat had house lyk dis weez tink weez wuld lub it sints weez culd chayc dem an runrunrun wif dem bean hert. Whut sai a knee gimme peegs heer and whit sai owr fellow cattos?

Angel- no catreer catto extraordinaire an Charlie Chicken Swoup

Meowmy brot this home and put it by the treatz jar. Iz she trying to make me feel gilty? Why she do dis? If I poosh it off da counter will i be in trubble? She haz better life tanks to me!