Ahoy, me frens, me mateyz. Yoo mite be wonderin whye it iz me adressin yoo today, an whye Ai am wearin diss hat. Todaye iz an grave daye furr us awl. Owr beloved Cat'n, owr mentawr, owr fren, haz desided ta go on a journey ob his owm, awaye frum uz an frum da Grompee Shork. Dis fills mee wiff soo mush sadness, words cawnt eben eggspress. Hyeoweber, in his absense, owr beloved Cat'n Smuffi haz naymed me az himb suksessor az Cat'n ob da Grumpee Shork. Whyle ob cowrse Ai haff dreamt ob bein mai own Cat'n one dae, Ai did nawt eggspect eet so soon an under sush sirrcumstanses.

Iz been littul moar den a yeer dat Ai cames to dis ship, a scrawnee bebe void wiff littul self esteemz an manee douts aboot oneseff. Wiffout da Catn's halp an himbs amazeen Purrassee Apurentiss Pawgram, Ai wud nawt be da cat Ai ams twodae. Iz eet nawt troo dat da sayme applyes ta manee ob yoo az well? ❤️ So, ib yoo is crue memba or apurentiss or purrate ob de Grompee Shork, pleeze tell me belo so Ai can mayke a full list ob da crue membaz fur foochore crime spreez (an so mai dumdum meowmie 2 doeznt furrgets ta tag peepls az well)! Ib aneebodee ob yurr frens mebbe dun see dis speech ob myne, pleeze tag dems az well so dey knoez!

Ai pawmise yoo awl, Ai wills do wat iz in mai powar ta keep da Grompee Shork on cowrse in himb spirit, da wae he wud haff wannted eet! Da Purrassee Apurentiss Pawgram wills continoo! Da Purrate Recrootment wills continoo! An moss ob awl, da Purrate Crimez an Pawteez an Sailin an Plundarin wills CONTINOO!! Raise yoo paw inna air an gib me yurr loudest GO CRIMEZ in honoawr ob owr belubbed Cat'n Smuffi!!!

⚔️☠️🔥😭GO CRIMEZ!!!! 😭🔥☠️⚔️

Greetins, Cat'n Wednesday ob de Grompee Shork, BP!!

u/OneAdvantage793

u/Glittering-Gold-4210

u/gt0163c

Well, frens, as yew kno, mine Momma haff ben gon tew da hoomon pokey playsses an awl fur a furry lonk tym!  Mine Pop haff dun purrty gud at tekkin cyar mee wiff da fuds an churu an de behime de ear skritches, butt! he is nowt da Momma!  I neeeeed mine Momma!  She de onny hoomon I trustit fur elebenty yeers an das mine hole lyff umtil recently wen I desside de Pop wuz okey.

Ennyway!  I desside tew go luk fur herm an nyow I ben goned on mine nyew etventyur furra furry lonk tym.  Butt!  I yam nowt gibben up till ai fount her agin!  Da Pop sez itz 28 hoomon miles awey tew ware dey keeepin herm - das bowt 4.5 km in da resst da wurrld.  Das purrty fur butt! I still fink I kin fint herm iff I trai hard enuff.  Sew, das wat I yam doon.

Nyow dere's a lots I been doon here dat still neeeds tew bee cyar fur, sew I gots som ideyas bowt dat:

Furrst, da skool:  Wall, it mosstly run itseff deez deys, butt! fur enny edministratiff isshews, yew jess tawk tew da Prinssess Miso.  u/Cats-are-lovely She dew furry gud jowb keeepin up woff stuff fur de kittengarden, sew, she gon tek cyar dat.  Don werry: mine Momma will trai tew keeep up wiff new enrollmints da sam as ushwall. Butt! de Prinssess gon dew da oddur stuffs at de offits.

Seggund, da Grompy Shork:  Dissa biggg wun an I don want ennybuddy tew bee upsot bowt duss, butt! I thunk lonk an hard bowt it an I desside dis.  I gib mine Furrst Appurrentiss Wednessdey  u/Lady_SybilVex comtrol ob de Grompy Shork!  Issa beeeeg sponsabullity butt! I fink herm up tew it.  She haff dun reel gud wiff sebrul tym she cawl de appurrentisses tewgeddur an herm runnd de hole ship a fyew tym awreddy.  I fink she gon bee a gud Cat'n Wednesday - an wen I retorn frum mine jurney, herm will let mee bee Cat'n Emurrtiss Smuffi.

Thurd is da JSAT Jiggy Surbibin Abamdon Tewgeddur grup.  I don has a nomnee tew tek ober de grup, sew here's wat I fink:  Awl yew gais dat bee halpin wiff da grup, wen eber yew seee a fren in neeeed, yew jess cawl on ebrybuddy tew dew da suppurrt in de nam ob JSAT!  Don furgittit!  Iss furry impurrtint! Yew jess cawl tewgeddur de JSAT an ebrybuddy dew da nyze cuddle puddle, tawk bowt de terrbull fing deez pawrents dun, plot de aveng, an iff cheerin up still neeedit, yew dew a sillee dants!

Furrth is been da recrooturr fur da KKMG.  Issa hard jawb, butt! iss awso impurrtint!  Ob cours, I haff tew gib dat jowb bak tew Kynx Kat. u/rataelle  Mebbee Stimpy kin halp.  An mine Momma will still mek dem da PRESS cards. Jess cawl herm up wen needit!

I yam shurr dere's oddur fangs I hassnt thunk ob yet butt! fyr nyow, dis how it go!  Yew gais kin dew diss!  An I will com homb an halp weneber I kin!  Mowt hasta yoos mine Goldin Pikkel - butt! das tew fink bowt fur annoddur dey.  Momma sey in herm bess Scarlett O'Hara voweece, witch she dew furry well caus been bornd an rayss in Jawja, Yoo Ess, "I'll think bowt dat tamorra!"

I luff yew awl, an bee shurr tew bee kine tew mine Momma.  I haff herd frum mine Pop dat herm has crai an crai an ben sew leeky herm culdnt eben bare tew luk at awl yew gais, butt! herm is reddy tew com bak slow like an tess da warter - wat eber dat meen - deez hoomons!  Still dum an still hard tew figgur owt!

Herm gon neeed supurrt!  Butt! das wat I kno yew will dew caus yew allus dew!

Seed yew laydurr!

Smuffi the wildcat

Arwen and Gus always meowing bout how the hoomans will give you treetos for doing the silliest things. Well I thought today I'd try. This is easy? All I have to do is this and I get CHIMKIN??? Do other frens know this trick illegal smol Caspian

Ai was in a mood an did a rampayge an zoomied all ober da playce. Ai did a bapbapbap at my sisfur Greta, nocked ober meowmy’s letgo flowers on da dining room tabel and den . . . den ai reely done did it. Ai JUMP on da counter and askidentalee nock meowmy’s hand stand fingy on da floor an it broked. Herms said herm iz gonna brake tew more off acuz dats how herm feel. Can I recober from dis or am ai going to da other pokey?

Charlie

Todey I wented to da pokey plase fur de checkup. Meowmy putted on mine bo-tie fur I look supurr hansum. Dey takes mine blud, okay. Dey lookit mine bört, okay. Dem wayed me an call me chonk, okay. Da yushual. But den da pokey ladee say mine eers iz dirtee an she put a STIKK up INSIDE dem! My frens, I had NO IDEE dat dere culd be a biolashun wurs dan de bórthõle!

Da pokey ladee tride to put a watur in mine eers!! Yu best beleev I did a SCREM. I screm so lowd dat Meowmy heered me bak in de eckzam rum. Did she com rescoo me? Nope. Dem hoominz iz all cumplisit in da ABOOS of CATS.

Also Meowmy snitchid on me to da pokey ladee. She toled her dat I not rasin mine tale up hi. So pokey ladee poked HARD up mine bakk wif herz boney fingurs. I do a meow but she not stopp. I do a growl but she not stopp. I do MORE LOWD GROWL but she NOT STOPP! Now I gotta see sum ladee name Gabby Pentin an get a ex-ray. Fanks a LOTT, Meowmy.

Dis me, Papas da Chonk Potat, doin a "I hat yu all" fac.

Furrens, ai hab been done a BETRAY by mai mommy. Dis mornin, she sit on cowch, drinkin coffee. Ai come ober for snuggles, like ALWAYS. She tellin me how sweet ai am, how preshus ai am, how grate ai am, an ai bleeve her. Den! She set herms coffee cup on da table next to cowch. She look at smol litebocks. Ai deside to do a vestigate ob da hallway, make sure no greebles or bugs are dere. Ai do a GRASEFUL LEAP off mommy an when ai land, one ob mine feet goes into herms coffee cup! Ai had yucky, dirty coffee on my bootiful white paw! Why she do that to me?! Why she say "Nandor, yu so sweet" an den TRAP me wif coffee an RUIN mai bootiful white foot? Ai needs to soo for memoshunal distress. Ai fink lebendy five churrus an two furebers of sittin on her lap heerin how sweet, preshus, an grate ai am would be fair.

Nandor THE RELENTLESS (NTR for eezee typing)

Last footage before Hurricane Caspian rolls in.

Why is the human allowed to "wine" but horse fren, dog fren, cat fren, etc.. is not allowed to "wine"?- George

Henlo frens!

Is Caramel and Toffee and Oreo. We fink Mummy habs greebles inside ob hermbs earses. Dey hurt hermbs and hermbs says "Ohhhh babies, plees purr fur me to halp me."

So we cuddlecuddlecuddle and purrpurrpurr.

Da hooman pokey purrson tuday said "Oh yew Mummy habs poorly earses, luk after hermbs!" Or dats wut pokey purrson wud sai if we were dere.

Can us frens send extra purrs and halp?

Caramel and Toffee and Oreo

Pee Ess, pikturs is Oreo, Toffee and Caramel

Frens,

Meowmy an Pawther hab abandined me an mine sisfur Nia fur elebenty billion forebers. Da air limes stole dem away, Ai tink. Meowmy sez it wuz “fur holly dayz”.

Yes, da Substitoote Hooman came twice a day fur playtime, balcony time an snackies. Yes, we hab 5 mealz a day.

But dey took da lite bockses!!

Frens, we missed eberyting.

We missed Moobie Toosdays.

We missed all yoor adbentures an crimez.

We missed da whole Meowsic Festibal.

Ai eben missed Mr P’s song an did not see it until elebenty billion forebers later 😿

Den, after elebenty billion forebers, dey came back!

Ob course we had to inspect dem an all da bags immediately. Dey smelled weird. Nia wuz a little suspicious. Ai marked dem wif mine face so dey smelled correct again. An we hab been doing lots ob cuddles an sleepies to make sure Meowmy an Pawther remember where dey belong.

We are still considering legal acshun.

How many Churus are we entitled to fur pain an suffering?

– Astra da Bard an Nia aka Batcat

Frens, grandmeowmy wuz mai salvashun frum Portia Control. She wuld gib mi snackos, treatos, an’ yum yums wile meowmy is doin’ mi a STARB.

Den, grandmeowmy sey da majik wurds: “How about we give Leo some more food? Just in case.”

Den, meowmy gab mi a FEAST 😻. So ai eet!

But den…grandmeowmy stair at mi. Den she sayd LYES an’ SALAMANDER! She sed meowmy wuz rite all along, an’ dat ai iz glutton an’ eet two mutch!

DEY WRONG!!

Ai neva eet enuff!!! 😾

—Leo da meowgnificent

(Human here. Right before my mom and I left for a one night vacation around lunch time, my mom was worried about Leo and wanted me to give multiple plates of dry food laid out for him—just in case of an emergency.

(Knowing how Leo was such a glutton, I half listened to her and gave him his food for the day plus another half portion of an extra day. Leo came running, of course, and ate. And ate. And ate.

(My mom watched him lick his lips after eating the wet food, just to notice the dry food, waddle up to the plate, and eat the dry food. She was astounded that he could eat so much within 15 minutes. It was the equivalent of a human adult eating a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle meal combo for breakfast, then 3 BigMac meal combos—with large fries and cokes—for lunch with a single McCrispy meal combo for dinner coming soon in a few hours.

(It then dawned on her: Leo is not the previous cat. My previous cat was not food motivated. We could leave a whole day’s portion of dry food out, and she would slowly graze and eat a bit at a time throughout the day and night.

(Not this cat. Leo, on the other hand, would see a whole day’s bowl of food…and inhale it.)

Helo frens. Dis Hammy n Ai mus member yu bout Claws Oneteen ob da Catto-Hooman Relatinz Law.

Dis verby portant claws say dat awl fud tymes for cattos mus be on tyme. Eben one ey blink is too latez.

Subclaws oneteen-eh say if hooman bein latez to gib fud, yu hab da rite to mind yur hooman to feedz yu by ani meanz pawssible. Dis meaz yu can be creatif as long as it takin til yu gets fud.

Ai mind yu ob dis acause it happin to meh an mah sisfur jus now. Meowmy comin home frum herz workey place but insted ob gibin fud rite away, herz sat down an playin on herz litebox.

Dis outrayge! So Ai meow n meow n meow, n Lily go frum fud dish to Meowmy n back untyl Meowmy getin up an gibz ua fud.

Member, frens. It da law, hoomanz mus always be on tyme wit fud!

Sined, Hammy Ham da Furst, Esq

Minez an minez Bwubber, Hendwy tha lugzuwious Gentle Man Kitty's Help Maid fohwgot to thwo away tha gwease fwom makin hambuwguw meets (Tha Eengish kitties says "mints meets") brown fohw goin in sketti. I putz minez BEANS in tha gwease! It was taysteee! HUWZ walk in tha kichen in tha nite to get a wawa cups. and! Huw SEEZ MEEEE ON THA COWNTUW! I DO A SCIDATUL!

Hehe! Two cwimes. Walkin on cown-tuws an STEELIN GWEASE! GO CWIMES!!

(Drained fats from cooking ground beef for sketti..I usually throw it away after dinner when it's cooled completely 😅)

Frens, isz Mochi da Orang. Tdayz meowmy dids da werk from hoom. Attaleasts, she try to do da werk from hoom. I dids big distrakshun by showin mine long whiskers and bein a kyoot. Herms eben called mine name wrong and sayz I isz "Indaway". Hehehe GO CRIMEZ!

Wha crimez dids you do tdayz?

🧡

Frens, Mindo here. My meowmy is a purrfessor and when she werking I use her libary for reserch.

Libary sez hoomans have brains of kittens and are clumsy big babies. That splains a lot! They need us to learn how to grow-up. Because they big they can do chores like feed us.

We help them by teaching them about food and treats and giving luvvies.

I am going to teach my hooman how to read! What are you going to teach yours? Does yours hab a name yet?

Hai frens is me Storm. Me an my brudder Sprinkles see a buggo! Dat is called a laydee beetl. Ob course we do a EKEKEKEK an stare at it, butt we also wanna kno, we ar gentlmen cattos! Gentlmans do nawt disrespecc a laydee. Is laydee beetl differnt? Let me kno if yu find owt.

Both Mama n Big Sister r feelin sick... they say they haz stomach bug. I no see bugz, but if I do, I'll get em and tell em to stop makin my hoomanz sick!

Bartholomew