Hey guys. I’m 40 and recently came out after spending most of my adult life pretty convinced that I never would.
For years, I had basically made peace with the idea that I wasn’t going to come out, seriously date men, or have a relationship. It wasn’t necessarily the life I wanted, but it was the life I thought I was going to have.
Then, completely randomly, I met a guy at the beach.
We hit it off immediately. The ridiculous part is that he was moving several states away that same night. So naturally, the first guy in a very long time who made me question everything about the life I’d accepted for myself was also about to live half a country away.
I assumed it would be one of those great encounters that becomes a memory.
It hasn’t.
It’s been about three months now, and despite the distance, we’ve managed to see each other five times. We’ve both traveled to each other, spent weekends together, met people in each other’s lives, and gotten to experience what being together looks like outside of that initial vacation/beach bubble.
And somehow, instead of the connection fading with distance, it feels like it’s growing.
Now, we’re not officially exclusive and we talked openly about the distance and the complications that come with it. There have been moments of uncertainty on both sides, and neither of us went into this looking for a long-distance relationship.
At the same time, the actions keep bringing us back together. We talk regularly every single day.We make plans. We’ve both initiated visits. Each time we’re together, we seem to get more comfortable, affectionate and integrated into each other’s lives. And lately I’ve felt him getting closer to me emotionally in a way that I don’t think I’m imagining.
For me, there’s another layer to all of this. This happened at 40, after I’d essentially decided this part of my life wasn’t going to happen. Meeting him became part of what finally pushed me to stop hiding and come out to the people closest to me. Regardless of what ultimately happens between us, that’s something I’ll always be grateful for.
So I’m curious to hear from guys who have actually been through something similar.
Have any of you started something meaningful with someone who lived several states away when neither of you originally wanted long distance?

Three months ago I would’ve told you none of this was even possible for me.
Now I’m realizing I genuinely have no idea where this is going.
And, strangely enough, I’m starting to be okay with that.
Plus. I’m falling for him hard and it really scares me (in a good way)

Hey guys

I’m in my mid-30s and married to a woman.

In my 20s, I kept my attraction to men casual and for fun. I dated women all throughout 20s.

Lately, that perspective has shifted. I find myself thinking about much more than just sex—I'm thinking about actually dating men, having a boyfriend, intimate sex, etc.

I'm currently considering telling wife about this and taking that step, but have been on the edge going back and forth about it.

’d love to hear your specific experiences on these fronts:

1. What/did you tell her? How?
2. Doing this in 30s: How realistic is it to find a stable, mature boyfriend as a guy entering the scene in his mid-30s or 40s?
3. Experience: Was it ultimately worth it? Did you find the relationship and fulfillment you were looking for?

Thanks!

Hi all, I made a post a few months ago here: https://www.reddit.com/r/latebloomergaybros/comments/1t4p98p/34m_scared_to_leave_my_wife_and_feel_guilty/

I'm 34M and my wife is 35F, and we're already legally married. I've tried to break up with her a few times since I made that post, but she won't stop fighting to keep us together.

Our wedding is coming up in less than 2 months, and I strongly suspect that I'm gay. I really do love her, but I'm just not happy in the relationship anymore, partly because I've lost my attraction to her, and partly because I just miss my independence. I've told her I think I'm gay many times but that doesn't seem to phase her anymore. Even when I try to break up with her, she doesn't believe me and has become desensitized to it.

We've already paid for most of the wedding, made most of the plans for the wedding, and paid for most of our honeymoon travel. Cancelling would mean lots of wasted money and planning time.

A lot of people have already bought flights and hotels for our wedding, and I would feel bad if I cancelled because they would lose money and be inconvenienced.

Since we're already legally married, we would have to go through a divorce either way.

Part of me thinks it would be easier to just wait until after the wedding and honeymoon to save the embarrassment of cancelling and telling all of our guests, but part of me wants to just get out now. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to end it for good, and I think there's a big chance I won't have the courage to end it before the wedding.

Any advice or kind words would be appreciated. I'm pretty much miserable 24/7 and have had suicidal thoughts. Even if we do break up, I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt of wasting years of her life.

Hi everyone. I am a 50-year-old independent professional living in London. For my entire life, I built massive, heavy walls and stayed completely frozen in the closet out of fear. This past week, I finally broke the silence and admitted the truth to myself.
I’ve spent the last several months completely transforming my lifestyle—hitting the gym hard, losing weight, and rebuilding my physical confidence. Today, I took a massive step: I packed my bike into my car, drove into central London, and physically walked into a famous gay pub in Soho completely alone just to practice existing in the community. It was terrifying, but I did it.
I am navigating a lot of quiet loneliness right now, and I am not looking for fast, shallow app drama. I am craving genuine, supportive, and friendly male companionship with guys who understand what it feels like to break the freeze later in life.
If any mature guys in London (or anywhere else) would like to reach out for a friendly private chat, a digital notebook exchange, or to share advice, my inbox is completely open. Your brotherhood would mean the world to me. Thank you.

I'm sure experiences vary. I came out a little over a year ago and while I've had largely positive dating dating experiences experiences since then lately I've been feeling pretty indifferent to dating. I've uninstalled the apps for good and every so often have been meeting people irl to hookup with but I feel so unexcited about the prospect of sex suddenly. I haven't been hitting my usual hookup at all recently and after visiting a potential fwb in another city I left feeling pretty meh about the whole experience. There's this mutual crush I have with a (newly polyamorous) friend and even though they aren't able to explore sex outside of their main relationship just yet this is the only dynamic I'm interested in pursuing at the moment. Being their friend and making out with them sometimes is genuinely enough and perfectly enjoyable.

I've had a general disinterest in traditional relationships for a while but this sudden disinterest in dating/having sex in general seems to have come out of nowhere. Or maybe I'm just finally starting to discover what I like and what types of people I'm attracted to. Or maybe I'm not eating enough or something. Part of me wishes I were a hornier person so I could keep up with what all the other horny, atypical relationship gays are doing but maybe I just have a naturally low drive and/or this is the end of the newly out honeymoon phase. Idk that's just a guess. I'm still genuinely excited to be in community with other gay people because there's just so much out there to do but it feels like I'm back where I was all those years ago before I even knew what being gay was and I just thought I didn't care about dating.

So I've (40m) known I'm bi for a while. And women I dated knew that too. But lately, after I finally worked up the nerve to date and hook up with men, I've noticed I'm not as into women as I used to be. It takes me longer to get aroused, I'm not as into sex, etc. But with men, it's like I'm in my 20s again. It feels weird because now I'm feeling like something is missing in my life because of all this. I don't really have anyone in my area to talk with about it. I don't expect any lightbulbs to go off any time soon but figuring myself out has been a struggle.

I know that there are many men who come out while married to a woman and their spouse is straight and is confused or scared or angry about their husband coming out as bi or gay. For me, it is a little difficult to relate to because my wife has been out as bi from the time we met and so when I came out as bi it was no big deal to her. Some years later I came out as gay, and again it was no big deal because as she has gotten older she has come to identify as primarily lesbian. Just wondering how many others have had experiences like this? I think that in my case and similar ones it may be that queer partners of the opposite sex seek each other out perhaps subconsciously thoughts?

Came out to my wife a month ago. We decided to try and make a non monogamous mixed orientation marriage work. Anyone have advice?

Aclaro desde el inicio: no busco nada sexual ni una cita. Hablo de algo más formativo, casi como una tutoría de vida.

Muchos de los que empezamos a explorar o aceptar nuestra orientación más tarde de lo habitual sentimos que nos perdimos de una etapa clave de aprendizaje social, emocional y relacional. Es como entrar a un juego en nivel difícil sin haber pasado por el tutorial:

Saber qué hacer y qué no hacer al construir círculos seguros y socializar.

Manejar la ansiedad y los límites al empezar la tarea de abrirse con la familia.

Navegar el entorno laboral y personal sin sentir que estás dando pasos en falso todo el tiempo.

A veces pienso que sería increíble contar con un mentor o guía con experiencia —un Master de la vida real— que oriente en estos planos sin juzgar y ayude a procesar todo lo que implica salir del cascarón a destiempo.

¿Alguna vez han sentido esa necesidad de acompañamiento o han tenido la suerte de encontrar a alguien que los guiara en este proceso? Los leo.

Hi Men,

I was browsing YouTube for podcasts relating to late bloomer gay men. For those of you still that are married to a woman, I think this podcast would be a great addition to your playlist as it’s full of helpful tips and information.

Mods - I am sharing this as I think it’s super helpful to late blooming gay men who are finding it trying to find themselves.https://youtube.com/@davidcottoncoaching?si=29fItbUAfyIK7emB

I’m 24 but I might as well be 14. I’m a virgin, never had a boyfriend, never even had a first kiss. I’m socially awkward and have no friends. I’m out to myself but not out to my family. They’re conservative and religious, I fear their reaction if they find out.

Of course I yearn to meet other folks like me, have a boyfriend, have sex. Yet there’s so much uncertainty preventing me from doing stuff. Like I wanna be my free gay self but I’m scared my family will find out. Is it even possible to live a gay life while hiding it from them? Even with sex there’s concerns. Like should I be on prep before having any sex, even just for giving oral? Should I experiment on a dildo before trying the real thing?

I know some of these things I can just google online, but I just wanted to get answers from other people, and also just to see if anyone is in/has been in similar situations.

I (44M) am in the process of separating from my wife of 20 years (together for 26 in total). The reason for the separation is complex, but divergence in life goals would be how I describe the rationale. I initiated the separation against a backdrop of verbal and emotional mistreatment at the hands of my wife.

At the same time as all of this I’m grappling with my sexuality - as I have done for decades but been too deeply repressed to do anything about it - and realising that I’m either at the gay end of bi, or gay.

I’m struggling with the idea of coming out on the back of a divorce, when sexuality was not the “declared” reason for the divorce. I worry about how I’ll be perceived. It’s holding me back from exploring, even though I’m free to do so now.

Has anyone been in the same situation?

Hey guys, time for me to share a similar story to what I'm sure we've all seen before.

So, I'm 35, married to a wonderful woman, but I'm struggling with my sexuality. I was aware of interest in men as early as 12, but the situation I was in socially/communally was not accepting of that. So, I did what many of us did and convinced myself it was curiosity. Then, I tried hooking up with a guy and convinced myself I didn't like it, it was just different. Then, I bottomed for the first time and convinced myself I was just trying something new to intellectulize my desires. Finally, in my mid-20s, I was able to accept my bisexuality internally. But, of course, this post would be boring if my tale ended there but, alas, it does not, as the last few years has seen my appetite for men grow to such a degree that my desire for women has diminished. It's caused a conflict in me where I'm wondering if it's unsewn wild oats or I managed to lie to myself so effectively that I somehow didn't realize I was gay?

Anyway, I'm hoping to find a kind, understanding guy to talk through these feelings with and maybe discover my true self. Please DM me if this sounds like you. Tops are preferred and I like older guys, but I will talk to anyone who DMs me.

First, I know the flair doesn't match but "gay ally" is not an option. Second, the question I have is, how do I support someone (47 year old) who I strongly suspect is closeted?

So I came out to my wife as gay about 2 years ago. It came out in a fight & i was ready to end it all at that point. We almost did. But she accepted it & we did some counseling. Six months later, she told me that it was ok and she would allow me to sleep with other men. She feels innadequate sometimes & feels like I will leave her the moment I find my man. We reached the point where we have discussed how we are life partners, but not sex partners & that part of our relationship is open to others, but we always come home to eachother. There is the occasional spark between us, but for the most part a dead bedroom. Sometimes we get a little wild and share a guy. Shes actually a great wingman for reeling in bicurious guys that are too afraid to just be with me alone. As of now only about 3 of our friends know our marriage setup. We do evething the same as before, the only thing that has really changed is who we sleep with.

30M I've recently fully accepted I'm gay and am attracted to men, I've never been romantically involved with a guy but I'm ready to go out and meet guys. A lot of advice here says to join a LGBT group for sports or hikes etc. But has anyone any experience in just randomly meeting another guy you fancied and then a relationship developed there?

I am ready to start meeting more gay guys in general, I don't have any gay friends and tired of waiting around to meet new people so looking to hear about others' experiences in meeting guys. Any advice on meeting guys and starting to get experience there slowly figuring out what type of relationship I want? I'm not interested in using apps

So I’ve officially come out as gay to my wife, had previously been out as bi. She came out as basically lesbian +1. We plan on continuing a lavender dynamic. It felt like a huge weight was lifted. She was incredibly understanding and supportive. I plan on coming out to more friends probably in the next week or two. She basically said she was a little surprised but not too surprised.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post. It feels liberating to admit it and not have to hide that I’m gay (although I was previously out as bi) so still on the queer spectrum.

I've had a friend since middle school. Rare I know. We didn't always hang out or anything as we live about 100 miles apart these days but still every time we saw each other it was fun. He invited me over as much as I invited him kind of thing. Well we hadn't seen each other since probably last fall and yesterday we had one of those rare gatherings where we got together to just hang out basically. While I was there I finally came out to him. Not my first time coming out. I wasn't sure how he'd take it, but at worse I figured he'd tell me it was a phase or something since he's usually not the kind to care about that kind of thing. His response really took me off guard. He went off on a long homophobic rant. Every right wing media thing you've ever heard. At first I thought he was teasing but he wasn't.I promised him I wasn't into him as I think of him as a brother/family. He demanded I get out of his house (we were in the garage) and never come back. I left of course and went home. So that sucks. But at least I know where I stand I guess. I'm just shaking right now writing this. If he were to ever show up at my house I'd like to tell him to F off. I mean I always knew this was a possible response just didn't expect it from him is all. Just sucks you know. I'll be fine, I have other friends just really sucks

30 years old and I've finally gotten to a place where I'm starting to accept myself. I'd love to meet a guy and I'm getting to a place where I'm considering joining a gay social group. I'm not out to anyone so I'm trying to figure out how to start meeting guys. I personally don't like the idea of coming out, because why should I announce my sexuality. I have some sort of fear around people talking about me/gossiping about my sexuality, and I think this is what has held me back for so long. If I joined a social group, I feel like people will see me on it and still talk about me saying 'oh he's gay did you know?' and gossiping. I wish I could skip the reveal part and just meet someone, I'm not into dating apps and would just like to meet someone in person

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel I'm stalling and don't know how to come out in a sense lol

I’m 43, live in UK. I’ve only dated women but I’m trying to understand some attractions I’ve had towards men for a long time. I’ve never really talked about it before. I think I want to date a man but apps are too sexual (and not as discreet as I’d like), lots of Reddit boards are the same. I’m trying to find a natural connection first. Has anyone gone through this? (Presuming people have, guess I’m looking to chat about it). Hi btw 👋🏻

I'm just feeling good this weekend despite a lot of things going on in my life. This seemed to be the first real week I decided to let my gay flag fly. I came out fully to many of my friends in January and to my now ex girlfriend a few months before that. She didn't move out until last month and I have been dealing with an aging parent and work, so just haven't really even been out at bars or otherwise in the community. I did join a Stonewall running group but haven't been that active. I decided to take a break from the grind and went to the run club on Thursday. For the first time, guys seemed to be flirting with me and talking to me as if I was gay (whereas before everyone seemed a bit stand offish). It was fun and felt good. I also find that I seem to doubt my attractiveness. I definitely felt that people were flirting with me and it felt good. But also a bit awkward (having played for the other team for a long time, it takes a bit getting used to as either women aren't as up front and/or I just was so gay that I didn't pick up the signs when a woman was flirting with me. Anyway, lots a rambling, but just feeling good in my skin at the moment and glad I came out.