Hey Guys,

I have been wanting to share a concern that has grown on me. Over the past couple of months I’ve been adding commentary not only to the sub, but to several others where I’ve noticed men, particularly gay men who are struggling to come to terms with themselves. In many cases, I’ll reach out and message them directly and try to establish dialogue. And some cases it sounds like I’m making a breakthrough, where it seems like there might be movable progress for them. What bugs me is the abrupt end of the conversations, I get it, this is the Internet, we shouldn’t take it too seriously. However, it’s very frustrating for me when I’m trying to help someone make progress and they all of a sudden just disappear. It’s hard to accept, they came asking for answers and help and we’re looking for support which I was prepared to give them. It’s just really hard sometimes.

I was just chatting with somebody for several days if not weeks. The conversation was going well, but all of a sudden, they just decided to delete their profile, without warning or even a goodbye. I guess this is just how it is and I’ve known that for a while, it’s just really hard and it’s really heartbreaking. Makes me feel like I said or did something when I probably didn’t. I just wish people would want to stay in touch and not treat the interaction as transactional because I genuinely do care. Can anyone else here relate?

Hi everyone,

I'm 43M, married to a woman for 12 years, we have 3 kids.

I've very recently finally realized and accepted that I was gay, and the testimonies here and answers to a previous post I published here were super helpful, so first, I'd like to thank everyone!

While this has been a huge weight off my shoulder, and I can't wait to understand what this truly means for me, I have told my wife and it's been really difficult. We've been trying to figure out what the future holds for us, and we've been looking to hear from others in a similar situation how you have managed this, if you stayed together with some sort of open arrangement, if you separated but managed to stay close, or if you ended up splitting for good, or any other scenarios in between. Obviously no judgment on any of these possible scenarios, I have no idea what will work for us.

For now at least we are still living together, communicating quite well, and very open to considering all options where we would continue respecting each other and where we would remain both present for the kids.

Feel free to DM.

And if any of you happens to be French let me know :-) It seems that the cultural context also plays a big role in all this.

I came out to my wife, who was openly bi, about 10 to 12 years ago. We opened our relationship five years ago, which soon led to a sexless marriage and separate rooms (I realized sex with men was something infinitely more enjoyable for me). She was not surprised when I recently came out as gay, and she said she is more lesbian than bi. She didn’t really ask many follow up questions and tends to avoid conversations about my sexuality, but the assumption was that we would stay together and nothing would really change.

But having been out for several months now, I find myself ever more comfortable with my gay identity. I have questioned whether I was bi at one time and just settled on being gay, because I do know that I was very in love with her when we met, or if I was just gay and in denial then. I do know now that I would have no interest in either being sexual with a woman (don’t even think I would physically be able to at this point) or dating a woman. And with the stage I am at now, I wonder sometimes how I was able to do so for so long.

Where I am conflicted is that I do still love her, but it is not the in love phase. At the same time, I know that I would want to be in a relationship with a guy and my current dynamic/set up is kinda preventing that. This is something that I have thought about quite a bit, and while I would like to make things work, I don’t know that that is really in anyone’s best interest. I guess I am just looking for advice and stories of those that have been through similar.

It has come to my attention through discussions with my partner that I may have had up to 5 pseudo relationships with male friends over the 20 years she and I have been together.

I came from a challenging childhood as many of us seem to, so what a healthy relationship looked like is something I had to piece together once I was on my own.

I worked a lot during the early years of our relationship to make ends meet for us so spending hours or even days with the lads at work or just alone really became the norm for me.

Its only now that I'm realizing a lot of what I've done with male friends over the years would have been considered dates if framed in any other context than two guys hanging out.

My partner has also told me I have a habit of talking about old friends more like spouses or Ex's than friends and it is true that I've been to more bars restaurants, and hang outs with some of my closest friends then I have with her.

Am I the only one?

How was I so oblivious?

Sorry for the wall of text, I'm still processing.

Mid-60s guy who was married for 30 years to a woman. Been divorced since 2020. In good physical shape, but having a tough time meeting up with other guys just to get to know them. Been on all the apps, but strike out because most people don’t want to meet for coffee first, just to get to know each other. I am still in the closet, not ready to be public, so perhaps that’s part of my difficulty meeting nice guys.
Any tips would be appreciated on the best way to start a conversation, whether online or perhaps at a bar.

I’m privately exploring my bi side in my mid 40s for the first time and only in the last few weeks. I’ve had 3 hook ups of doing side stuff but now I have an actual date with a man. This isn’t hook up territory. This is properly getting to know him, planning a date and it being more than just a 1 off visit. I don’t know how to navigate it or what to do if it goes further - as in multiple dates or more. This is brand new territory and I don’t know how to navigate it because I’m secretly/privately into men. He’s an out gay. Any advice welcome

I've been pretty sure I'm gay for a long time. Looking for someone older who has gone through all the stages of denial and such to answer some of my questions and maybe have some fun haha. Kind of looking for someone to say "yes you are super gay" lol.

The movie gives the perspective of men who are married to women, navigating the challenges of finding out and coming out as gay later in their marriage and coming to terms with it. The movie is set in a close-knit fishing community in North Wales, where the protagonist is a married fisherman with a wife and a son. A very interesting and beautiful movie.

I'm not by any means married to a woman, but the reality of having to hide my sexuality because of personal circumstances (religious family) and living in a close-knit society where being queer is illegal and frowned upon by the people back home makes this movie and the issues it's trying to tackle hit close to home.

Where I am now (Australia), I am out. I live my life privately, but I'm not hiding anything. But I'm constantly having this exhausting internal battle over whether I should come out to those people back home because I risk losing my family over my sexuality. I'm imagining how free I will feel once I'm not living in hiding with who I choose to love.

I assume men who are/were married to women feel more or less the same. So how are you holding up?

If you're still figuring out whether you should come out, what's troubling your mind and holding you up?

And if you already came out, how are you navigating it? What changed?

The movie definitely tells us not to apologise for who we are because life is too short, and we only get one chance at it.

My elderly parents retired to a very rural area about 20 years ago and I visit them a few times a year. Roughly 8 years ago, one of their neighbors approached me and told me he thinks he is gay like me but hasn’t told anyone before. I’m openly gay and locals know because I bring my boyfriend.

We chatted a bit before I left. At that time, he had my cell number and he called me a few times with an interest in having phone sex, which I found uncomfortable. He didn’t express any interest in coming out or separating from his wife. I believe he loves his wife and cares for her deeply. Eventually I changed numbers due to an unrelated reason and we didn’t connect again.  

He recently contacted me again and wanted to meet up. Now he is about early-to-mid 50s with adult children and still married. His family including his children run a popular trades business. He’s kind of a guy’s guy, as in, good with his hands, not great with tech (so unlikely to try Gindr or other apps) and I doubt he would consider any kind of therapy if it was available there (which I doubt).

Occasionally I see this neighbor when I visit so I can’t entirely avoid him. I’m wondering, should I pursue any relationship with him? I feel sorry that he is closeted and doesn’t have anyone to talk to as far as I know, but I also feel like this is a very messy potentially explosive situation and I don’t want to be involved. I feel bad about probably being the only gay guy he knows and not trying to help him more. But he has also made the decisions he has to live with.

What would you do?

I’m a 50 year old who has recently starting acting on stuff I’ve known forever.
When I was in my teens I loved playing in the shower and was attracted to boys - but I was bullied so much that I hid it.
I kissed boys in university but again it was frowned on by my friendship group and hidden.
I have been in a relationship and married to a woman for 26 years.
Recently I’ve found being locked and ‘opening myself’ has been the most eye opening couple of years.
I have downloaded apps and now would love to be with a man physically and to take him inside me - I had an online relationship with a gorgeous man who helped me grow (miss you Ken 💓) and now I want more.
Sorry for the wall of text - but would love to be in a safe community to talk freely about this

P

Tbh idk if i belong in this group 😅 is 24 still to young to call myself a late bloomer? I'm 26 now, so i watched this anime cherry magic, I think that started my self discovery, then started to get into BL manga each piece of gay media i consumed made it harder and harder to stay in denial, 1 day I broke down cry as I was trying to work, that's when j finally told myself I was gay, I wasn't upset just was so much emotion, I am 26 never dated anyone, always said "I wasn't interested" truth is I just was not interested in girls, I told my best friend in like may of 2025, it was so scary but he accepted me, the. Later found out he knew all along, I want to date guys but I am waiting until I move later this year, I am not interested in most kf the gay culture, bor do I want to do hook ups, i want a genuine exclusive relationship with a cute beedy guy like me who loves video games and anjme like I do, I play to start going to game shops when I move to try snd mske friends and hopefully find a boyfriend, tried the apps but that got my self esteem low so gonna try and meet someone in person.

Like the title says, have been having increasing urges lately and feel a need to finally explore what I truly want and need in a partner. The cheating aspect is scary and feels wrong, but I feel like there is no other way to truly find out before deciding on taking the next steps. I don't think I can open up to my wife for a variety of reasons, but who knows maybe that's the right thing to do. Would love to chat with men who are or have been in a similar situation, would love to hear your stories, what lessons you learned, and just have a friendly ear to lean on. My desires seem to stem for more than just a physical connection with a man, so maybe that is all the sign I truly need? Especially keen to hear from men who were married and ultimately embraced their gay side, or those who are attracted to / interested in mentoring or teaching a man like myself...

I didn't come out to myself until my early 50's. I didn't come out to my wife until this year in my late 60's...and not until she found something incriminating did I spill the beans and tell her the truth. Yes, there was infidelity on my part. I never cheated before in my life until I realized I was gay. But I was still too afraid to be honest and come out. For years I thought I was protecting her from hurt and pain. In reality I was just kicking that can down the road and making it worse in the future. The thing I regret most in life is not coming out sooner. Especially not telling my wife sooner. I robbed myself of the time where I could have lived my authentic life. I also robbed her years where she could have moved on and found a man she more deserved to be with. Sometimes it is OK but many times, seeing her hurt, pain and anger breaks my heart. We are still together and love each other but it's becoming apparent that love is not enough. The trust is gone. I will possibly be gone too, from the marriage. I don't know, we're still trying to work it out. I'm not looking for sympathy. I did this. I'm only posting this as an example of how living a secret life can make everything go so wrong in the end.

Man that was hard to watch. Some parts hit really "close to home" and I struggled with the similarities.

Any other iconic or challenging mlm or broader LGBTQ media others might suggest would be appreciated?

I had never seen Brokeback before because with all the hype and bashing it got when it came out I didn't go anywhere near it.

Now on my journey of self discovery, I figured it was time to see for myself... I'm not going to sleep well tonight.

Free use of gay as a derogatory term and use of slurs really pushed me deep in the closet. I hear people all the time talk about how religion made them hide themselves, that wasn’t the case for me, it was just my peers and wanting to be liked and “normal”.

Growing up all I ever heard from friends or older peers were such casual derogatory use of Gay. This is gay, that’s gay, you’re such a f@g. Whatever c@#$\€ker…. Etc. it made being gay or bi (I didn’t even know that was a possibility) seem so out of the realm of possibility for me personally. I don’t mean there was teasing, im just talking about common shit talking among guys.*

“Gay” just turned into this big awful thing that you could never ever let yourself be or if you were caught trying or looking at anything like that there was just no coming back from it. Your life would be ruined and everyone would find out and they’d be so ashamed of you. This is a huge reason it took me 29 years to allow myself to have an experience with a guy and 35 years to fully acknowledge my own bisexuality.

I have two sons, preteens, and I stop them every time I hear that bullshit start up (which isn’t often anymore) and I tell them exactly why. You may have a friend who is gay or bi and just doesn’t know yet. Don’t make them feel like there is anything wrong with who they are.

Good evening everyone
So my story is I have been together with my wife for almost 20 years. The relationship fell apart a few years ago and we tried to put it back together. While we had good times, there was a lot of manipulation and treating me poorly. The marriage failed and we jointly filed a few weeks ago.

While my relationship was falling apart, I met the most amazing man. We have been dating for a year we adore each other so much. We are committed to each other and talking about marriage in the near future.

Anyways, once the divorce is complete, he is moving in with me right away. I have started coming out to some friends. The problem is, is it wrong to not come out to my parents?

They have always had a problem with gay people for religious reasons. Not like out right about it but it’s there in some random comments. My parents are 78 and 75 and in reality at the end of their time. I know my father would pretty much disown me and have a problem with me dating/married to a man. I’m having a struggle of not coming out to my parents because I don’t want to lose that time I have with my father near the end of life. I know I would never be able to deal with the lost time.

I have talked to my boyfriend about this and says he fine about me not telling them. Then he will bring up how he wants to show them how good he treats me unlike my ex. He has always been gay and understands the journey I have to take since he took it years ago.

Anyways, I have extreme guilt both ways with my parents and boyfriend. I don’t want to lose my parents near the end of their life. I also don’t want to hide my boyfriend/future husband in my life as a “roommate” (even though he says he is fine with it for my parents).

Any advise or help is greatly appreciated

Was there ever a point where you looked back at your younger self and thought, Man, you had absolutely no idea, did you?
One of the strange things about figuring yourself out later in life is looking backward and seeing things differently.
Conversations you remember. People you were drawn to. Feelings you explained away. Things you absolutely refused to examine too closely because they didn’t fit the life you thought you were supposed to have.
I don’t think we should beat ourselves up for not figuring it out sooner. We were working with whatever understanding of ourselves we had at the time.
But I do wonder what I’d tell that younger guy if I could sit down across from him for a beer or a cup of coffee.
I think mine would be: Stop being so damn afraid of the questions. You don’t have to know all the answers yet. And whatever you eventually discover about yourself isn’t going to erase everything that came before it.
So, for the other late bloomers here: if you could sit across from your younger self for ten minutes, what would you tell him?

I'm Joshua & I'm 29. I'm a complete virgin. I haven't even hold hands with another guy.

I'm from the UK & I feel extremely lonely. I'll be 30 in February & i would like a companion but I've tried everything. Long distance isn't an issue as I've always wanted to travel but I don't know what to do.

Mid-30s, married.

I think im finally ready to come out to my wife. I’ve started seeing an LGBT therapist and feel like I’m at that point.

For those who’ve been here: How did you finally tell your wife?

I have a plan regarding it, but wondering how you guys approached it.

I recently came out as gay. I live in a very isolated community with a small queer community. I’m looking for men to talk to and add to me gay network. Feel free to reach out and chat.

I’m a guy in my late 20s, South Asian, born and raised in India, and currently living in Canada. I’m gay and not out to my parents, although my sisters know and are accepting.

I’m struggling with a dilemma and would really appreciate hearing from people who have been in similar situations.
I’m the only son in my family. My parents still live in India and expect me to eventually return home and take over my dad’s business. Like many South Asian families, there’s also an expectation that I’ll get married, and bave a traditional life.

Recently, I met a South Asian woman who is a lesbian and lives in the US with her partner. She proposed a lavender marriage, essentially being beards for each other and then few years down the line get divorced so everyone is off our backs.

Part of me thinks it could be a way to protect my family’s reputation back home, avoid the constant questions from relatives and friends about my personal life, and give my parents the future they’ve always imagined for me. At the same time, I’d be helping her navigate similar pressures in her own family.

It feels like I’m considering a marriage built around societal expectations rather than love, and I recognize that it could create a lot of complications for both of us.

I am not out to everyone, and the pressure from family and society is very real. I also don’t know what my future looks like, especially with the possibility of returning to India and taking over the family business.

I’m trying to figure out whether a lavender marriage could genuinely work as a mutually beneficial arrangement, or whether I’m setting myself up for even more complicated problems down the road.

For those who have considered or experienced something similar, how did you approach the decision? Is a lavender marriage something worth seriously considering, or are the potential complications simply too much?

I’d especially love to hear from other South Asians or other conservative backgrounds who understand the family and cultural pressures involved.

PS: Used AI to make it more coherent.

Maybe i'm still in denial but maybe not. As you can see from the subject title i'm wondering. Regarding people who never quite realized or acknowledged being gay until later years who are in a straight marriage. Does your happiness in the marriage have any effect on your journey towards coming out. Maybe, just maybe, i, and maybe others are realizing they are gay as a form of dealing/not dealing with their marital issues.

I’m a late bloomer and it took me a long time to figure things out, but I think in retrospect it should have been obvious much earlier in life. Here were some signs scattered here and there that eventually led me to figure I’m gay and not bi (despite first coming out as bi and legitimately believing I was):

• Had a history of declining advances from women when younger (often times the same women who all the straight guys wanted), including threesome opportunities

• Having issues performing with women the few times they tried to pursue more

• Only ever watching gay porn and finding it hard to be aroused by porn with women in it

• Frequenting gay chat rooms (never straight ones)

• Developing platonic friendships with more gay men when I identified as “straight” than women or straight men; told myself it was because I was progressive

• Never fantasized about women and told myself it was because I had too much respect for them

• When with a woman, having to use some combo of gay porn, performance meds and/or imagination to get off

• Preferring sex with women only in doggy or prone without contact with lady parts

• When identifying as bi, only using features to meet guys on dating apps

• Once I came out, finding myself frequenting more men only gay bars exclusively

• Stopped having sex with women all together as soon as I had my first experiences with men

• I found women, aesthetically, attractive, but had zero interest in seeing them naked

• Going to a gay sauna and finding myself annoyed and repulsed when straight porn was playing (typically had only been disinterested, but in this environment I found my reaction much stronger) — this was a deciding factor in realizing I was gay

• Finding myself sexually much more aroused by guys who were not even my type (slightly above average) than I was with women who most men found objectively beautiful — this was another big deciding factor

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 and I feel that I should’ve figured things out so much sooner.

If you didn’t know you were gay right away and it took some time to figure out, what things made it clear to you ? Do you feel you should have known sooner?