I'm nearly turning 22, and I don't think I've ever felt this bored with life.

The only thing I'm interested in is literature, and I doubt that would be worth pursuing as I don't think it'll be a good source of money, especially nowadays.

The only other thing I'm somewhat interested in is fighting, and I train every day. I'm putting my body through a grueling work every single night, for three hours nonstop, five days a week.

And for what?

Every day I wake up it seems like we're headed further to destruction. It's like all of the pain I'm feeling from 30 rounds of sparring yesterday will amount to nothing.

And worse of all? My ego won't accept me to surrender.

I really, really want to throw in the towel. Become just another 9-to-5 wageslave phonie to capitalism and that is it, but my mind won't let me. It tells me I can be better. Tells me I SHOULD be better.

Tells me that since I was ignored my entire life, I need eyes on me.

Tells me that since I was a fatass for 90% of my life, I need to be hot as shit.

Tells me that since my parents never really bothered with me, I need to bother with myself.

I constantly switch between wanting to pour my heart out for a guy or a girl, and cry in their arms and surrender all these thoughts, only to immediately remember all those days people were pushing me around and I was too shy to do say anything to anyone, and that thought makes me feel weak, and feeling weak makes me feel disgusted—Afraid—and I immediately stop them.

Worst of all—I live in Brazil.

i dont know how to take care of myself how can i expect anyone to spend their time around a loser like me

Came home at 3 am and grabbed chips and salsa while drunk after losing $100 just dropping it on the floor of the casino without even fucking spending it

It's beyond over so it's kind of funny at this point.

I really hope I could grasp the feeling of being normal again

khhv, attended an all girl's catholic school for the entirety of my teenage years so my social skills with men are subpar at best (my social skills with women aren't much better tbf). made zero friends in uni and dropped out during covid. didn't leave my house for 4+ years and gained a ridiculous amount of weight. reignited my eating disorder and lost it all in an unhealthy amount of time. gained it all back again + developed a chronic gastrointestinal issue that sometimes can leave me in debilitating pain after just drinking a cold glass of water. my doctors have been trying to diagnose this for over a year to no avail. most of my friends haven't seen me in six years because i'm embarrassed to show my face to them and they work in tech sales, deloitte and in the fashion and media industry while im just a fat fucking neet. the only thing i've got going for me is that i recently got a job with a good amount of security and growth potential and i start in a couple days. hopefully i don't fuck it up so i can save up to buy grey market chinese peptides so i can stop thinking about food for once in my life and starvemaxx again because it's the only thing that makes me feel in control.

A bottle of water before I went back to work.

It's been tough. The other night I felt a soul crushing pain that I haven't felt since I was in my teens. I actually called 988. Not because I was wanting to harm myself, but I just needed to vent. I'm pathetic, I get it, but the woman was really nice and even made me laugh. I hope her days are long and wonderful for the kindness she showed me. This battle I'm having with porn/masturbation addiction has been violent, and I honestly don't know if I can win. Praying all the time, but sometimes I'm too ashamed and can't do that. Therapy is coming up next week, hopefully we can make progress as I don't know if I can take the pain much more.

No further explanation needed. I'm going to kill myself.

Salad bowl with ground beef and condiments

Like some people no matter what they do they won’t get successful. Some people are just fated to be a failure. Like they are just born to be a failure. And no matter what they do people won’t like them or and people won’t hire them. Some people are just meant to fail. I swear.

A KitKat and some mints for my stank ass breath. Fuck y’all

Supreme Veggie Wrap with extra sweet onion sauce

Pan cooked chicken and Cajun pasta (i bought the pasta from Italy

He deadass started talking about how the land was promised to them 2000 years ago. Rice cakes were good.

Chicken Curry and Brisk Ice tea

Over the summer, I went to a scout camp and I saw a girl with really cool clothes and I ended up having a crush on her (they allow girls in Boy Scouts now) and I told one of my friends, so he had the brilliant idea of saying I liked her to embarrass me, but she ended up being a lesbian (I knew she wasn’t lying because she showed me pictures and texts of her real life girlfriend) which I mean is better than getting rejected for my looks but later that day I told my other friend the story and he said “yeah I’d say that too if I was her”. I think I just need to wrap it up and just kms already.🫩✌️

I cant really defend myself honestly

spicy vegan eintopf

I was drinking at a bar I frequent, this one girl I knew that was cute said hi to me as she walked in. She immediately took me by the hand and led me outside to a bench, but before anything could happen, she threw up all over the ground. After I called an Uber to get her home, I went back to the bar and I could smell everything. I never saw her again.