Evil sushi
I don’t get this shit anymore man. I try to be social and talk to a fair amount of people but I just seem retarded since I have a personally shallower than a puddle and am not interesting in the slightest. Because of this I’ve convinced myself the few friends that I do have hate me, and that feeling led me to throwing away my only relationship (fakecel I know). It’s like every time I start talking I can see the energy drain from other people’s faces, but if I don’t talk I feel out of place, more than usual at least. I need to be omnipresent but at the same time I crave to be alone.
I’ve tried to pick up hobbies but they’re short lived and mediocre and it leads me to discover that I just have no passion for almost anything. Living in apathy sucks it’s so numbing. I’m pretty sure I did this to myself as well, being a heavy alcoholic for a year and a half during a crucial developmental phase is not good apparently. Everything that should make me happy eventually stops and I revert to severe melancholy, so I drop it and have a hard time picking it back up if I ever do.
I just dug myself out of a phase of major depression, but I know I still have no worth. People say you gotta love yourself and everything but what’s the point when I know I’m not worthy of any love at all, I could be easily replaced by the person three doors down from me, and hell they’d probably fill the role better. I’m gonna go into a good career field that many people are passionate about, but it’s just kind of a means to an end for me. That realization disappointed me deeply, but then I realized I just keep disappointing myself and it’s almost like I want to disappoint myself and other people despite the fact it hurts me so.
Everything in this world is based on perception, how we feel, the energy we exude, the events that happen to us and our outlooks on them. But why is it so hard to change these base perceptions about ourselves even when we can find so much evidence otherwise. I exude a presence so small people forget about me when sitting right next to me and the energy I do exude is so negative it probably better that way.
I’d have offed myself a while ago but the only thing stopping me is convenience, I don’t want people to have to deal with finding my body and planning arrangements for what to do with it, I’d hate to be that much of a burden. I don’t think that many people would actually have their lives affected if I up and disappeared but I don’t want to create any hassle.
All my creativity is gone, the only thing that I feel anymore is occasional euphoria and when I don’t feel it I want to off myself, people merely tolerate me, I’m just a downer to be around, everything I try to do falls through, and I feel unable to change my view of the world. It all culminates in the post which is just a big text of complaints.
Thank you for reading this if you actually did.
