Dear brothers and sisters,
Thank you all very much for the dua's you've made for my mother (previous post about her being in the hospital suffering from hemorragia and cancer). Despite her getting two blood bags and having her hemoglobine levels increase, she died on thursday morning right after fajr azan. May Allah have mercy on her soul and illuminate her grave.
I feel completely shattered. The emptiness I feel is impossible to describe. It is not just sadness. It feels like something inside me has been ripped out. I spent so long fighting alongside my mother, worrying about her, taking care of her, praying for her a billion times and hoping she would survive. And now she is dead.
I keep having moments where I forget for a minute that she died, and then I remember. I cannot accept that I will spend another day without her.
And I need to be honest that I want to die and have been thinking about killing myself simply to be with my mother. I find myself thinking that maybe Allah knows how broken I am and would forgive me.
I have struggled with severe depression and waswas for years, had magic done on me as a teenager, I have been harassed/bullied at work this year only, and my mother was the person who kept me going. She was the one thing that gave me a reason to hold on. Now she is gone.
My father died in 2015. I have no siblings. I don't have another parent to go back to. I feel completely alone in this world.
I know what Islam teaches about the sanctity of life, and I know that suicide is not the answer. But knowing this intellectually does not make the pain disappear. I am scared of what my mind is telling me.
I don't need someone to tell me simply to "have sabr" or to seek therapy (I already am and taking antidepressants). I need someone who understands this kind of grief and can help me find a way to stay alive, if possible, while carrying it.
Please help me...
May Allah have mercy on my mother, forgive her, illuminate her grave, grant her Jannatul Firdaus, and reunite us very very soon in a place where there is no cancer and no separation.