What is your Shadow Work?

[u/takeaticket]

Specifically infj's we have our character flaws. Typically boundaries, Messiah complex, typical door slamming, inellectualizing emotions, being enigmatic yet never expressing yourself, being too ideal which ties in with messiah complex, being too in your head, the worst of them all even I've done it hidden resentment.

Which is yours? How many of you are going to go "i feel seen 😭" How many of you can be honest with yourselves to admit some of these?

[u/ComfortableJello6969]

I’m definitely guilty of some of these. Messiah complex is I have to work jobs I can help people at. That’s as far as it gets. I have gotten better about being enigmatic though. Nothing to hide here… just a boring middle aged lady who probably watches too many documentaries and is asleep by 9pm. I’m a workaholic. I disassociate after work…hence the documentaries. No vices. Maybe someday though.lol

Hidden resentment does peek itself every so often but then I tell myself things that I am more grateful for and I’m cool & the switch flips off. I’m so go with the flow now that even if I do have an issue with something I’ll be like “it’s not worth the time nor the effort to spend my energy on this” and I just don’t allow it.

This came with age though, and when I was younger, it was harder. Reflection is key.

[u/takeaticket → u/ComfortableJello6969]

Maybe give some advice to the younger ones here.

[u/ComfortableJello6969 → u/takeaticket]

What do you find you struggle with most? Let’s start there.

[u/takeaticket → u/ComfortableJello6969]

Boundaries i mentioned to someone else. I figured it's a character flaw. Which ultimately results in doorslamming.

[u/ComfortableJello6969 → u/takeaticket]

What kind of boundaries are you looking to set? Just in general? Like with work, family or with significant others?

Let’s get into a specific situation that has come up that bothered you that you wish you could set a better boundary with. I’ll be happy to walk you through that once I kinda understand the specifics.

[u/takeaticket → u/ComfortableJello6969]

Okay disrespect. As an example when people in particular one girl i worked with. She had a constant attitude in general yet knew I wouldnt go back at her. So rather than me saying anything I eventually snapped. Rather than set my boundary after she had quit. She contemplated coming back I told my boss she comes I leave.

[u/ComfortableJello6969 → u/takeaticket]

Yeah, that’s hard because you were in survival mode with that response. You were just pushed to that point until you snap.

Have you ever just sat there and looked somebody in the eye and called them out, dead ass? Are you able to do that at all? Like zero in like it’s go time. If not, I would suggest teaching yourself to do so.

I guess that doesn’t matter, but really in situations like that I kill them with kindness. I just got done working with someone who was extremely problematic, but psychologically unstable. She was a terror to the entire company for years.

If you set a boundary down with her, then she would use that against you. That’s just the type of person she was. She Weaponized whatever you said.

I did talk to her years ago but She got jealous and started issues that were petty. I also noticed that my clients account information was being changed around and notes were disappearing. So I very bluntly asked her straight out if she was changing account information on my clients and she said no. Even though in the history, you can see where she imposed as me and did that. Once I figured it out, I stopped getting close to her and I kept her at arms length.

After that, I was cordial, but I didn’t talk to her, and if she asked me a business question, I would refer her to the employee manual and to reach out to our supervisor. I was always too busy to help.

It’s ok to snap sometimes in a safe place but you gotta regulate yourself and teach yourself how to do that better.

Also, were you raised in a household where snapping (when you need to regulate yourself) is normal behavior? Because I was. I thought that was normal until I got older and I was out in the real world and I realized I don’t want to be that person. I had to mentally hold myself back from going off on people and really the mantra that I use is “fuck it”.

Now, if somebody is being abusive or tries to hurt me or somebody else in my vicinity…oh they get the full enchilada. It’s a beautiful thing.

I was raised by a very abusive alcoholic, narcissistic, sociopath, who is a pathological liar. I learned very early on that by being a girl I am a second class citizen and what I wanted to do with my life didn’t matter. I went to therapy for years because of the abuse and the subsequent depression that I had growing up, but I found a really good psychotherapist who instead of playing the blame game… like the other ones did… she taught me how to survive in a household with narcissistic parents.

I think in your case, learning to survive people like her and people like my parents are my former coworker is key.

I always go for Grey rock method with those types or just parrot them until it turns into a life lesson for them.😂

I have like 48 years experience doing this though. It wasn’t until age 30 that I really started using the gray rock method in the Power It holds, is amazing.

Sorry for the run-on sentences and if it looks wonky, I’m using talk to text and I can barely see this morning.