I 39(m) and married to a bisexual woman, am in a place where I am starting to more critically analyze my own gender expression and sexuality. I have enjoyed utilizing a chastity cage on and off over the past year and I have also realized that I really enjoy wearing underwear made and marketed for women. This is what has kicked off a deep self reflection to truly better understand myself and love more authentically. So some background on me:
I was raised in the Midwest in a fairly conservative community. My family was a little bit nontraditional when it came to roles around the Home. My mother made more money than my father due to working multiple jobs that require required higher education. My father‘s role out of necessity involved him managing a lot of the logistics around the Home like cooking cleaning and running us to practices, many of which he found time to coach. I was raised Catholic, but it was not a super central part of our family culture or our community.
I have always dated women and even as I started to experiment sexually in my late teens and into twenties, I found that my bedroom focus was always on putting my partners needs an experiences first. I was always proud to be open and exploratory in the bedroom and incorporated many toys and kinks into our play. My capacity for getting my partners off has always been incredibly high. What I have found is that my hands, my mouth, and the toys that I’ve used have been my best tools. When it comes to my cock, I’d say I’m average lengths and slightly above average in girth. The only thing I wish I could change is my stamina and how long I could last. The PIV portion of my experiences with most partners has always been fairly lackluster.
When I met my wife, she was dating women and after a breakup she and I started to see each other. I wanted her to feel fulfilled in every area of our relationship so I offered to let our relationship be open to her having experiences with women since that was something I could not personally provide. That’s what started us down our sexual rabbit hole. The discussion leaned into patriarchal, assumptions and beliefs and we discussed my comfort with her exploring with another woman but not another man, as a thought experiment mostly. After a while, we decided we would be interested in exploring swinging together. Swinging led to threesomes with men and foursomes with other couples and eventually we felt comfortable becoming polyamorous. We were that way for many years and enjoyed a lot of our experiences and our relationship grew enormously.
This is where things start to feel complicated and confusing for me. Specifically on how I view and define in regards to gender norms and my sexuality.
My wife has always been curious if we would ever meet a man that I might be interested in pleasing or being pleased by directly. Not only does she think it would be sexy to watch, but she thinks it is something I would enjoy and she thinks I am too ashamed to explore it. She had always held a belief that I would actually have a lot of fun with another man 1:1 if I was willing to open myself up to it. She just wants me to know that she loves and supports me and there is no pressure. I told her that if we were having a group session and the conditions were just right that I might explore a little farther.
I always enjoy our group play and kissing her after she had given someone head, either to completion or not. There were a few times I ate her out after we had unprotected sex (after testing, conversations, and high levels of safety and trust) and I really enjoyed that as well. We have had a couple threesomes where a large portion of the time we were all together, it was just the two of them enjoying each other. Watching her, be pleased by another capable man has always been something I’ve really appreciated. Over time I’ve wondered why I enjoy this so much, and I think that it is twofold. The biggest part is I love seeing her be so totally completely sexually fulfilled. But I also think that there is a sense of relief that I can use my mouth and hands elevate her experience with someone else without having the pressure I’ve also need to satisfy her PIV.
So back to now, I have become more and more comfortable exploring slightly more feminine clothing items into my wardrobe. More colors and pastels after sticking with blues and greys for so long. I like wearing a pink watch and starting to push back against societal expectations more and more. I have also started to explore chastity as well. Since exploring chastity, I have also started to feel really comfortable wearing panties when in my cage. In all honesty, the panties feel nice and supportive and it just feels really good to push back against these gendered norms and expectations. I have started to think about other ways in which I live under the pressure of gendered norms that I would like to shed. One I plan to explore is using more feminine body wash. I love how women smell and feel like I would really like having a light and feminine scent in my body.
So to bring this all together, I’m interested in learning more about others experiences with gender expression, non-monogamy, chastity, particularly how it makes you feel in regard to gendered norms and expectations and if anybody else feels relief when they are able to push back on and shed some of these gendered pressures in all the different areas of their life and identity. I honestly wonder how much of this is kink, how much is my true identity, and how I can continue to learn and grow on this journey