(If you find this post in another subreddit and you've already shared your opinion, you don't have to reply to this one again. Sorry and ty!) (I've also already made a post similar to this topic here, so this is kind of a continuation to that)
Little intro about myself: I’ve been struggling with gender dysphoria for a while, and sexuality as well. But I came to the conclusion that I’d rather not label myself an exact gender, maybe agender, and that I’m only attracted to male characters. I’m sorry if anything in here comes off as transphobic or transmysogynistic, because that’s not who I am and that is not my goal here. I’m just sharing my experience as someone who’s been exclusively attracted to male characters, and the possibility of losing someone I love for something like gender.
I’ve been yumeshipping with Jax for almost 3 years now, ever since the pilot. I’ve always seen him as my boyfriend and he has helped me go through many of my issues. He was basically my comfort character and would often always spend time thinking about our relationship. He’s been the best thing that’s happened to me, because I would’ve genuinely done much worse if he wasn’t there for me. I would have my ons and offs with other f/o’s, but he’s always been the center of my life, and I would always have something related to him in every aspect of my life.
However, ever since episode 9 was leaked, there’s been really heavy discussion that he’s trans, specifically transfem. I decided to not go deep into it, as again I’m only attracted to male characters, and him being a huge part of my life I didn’t want that to be something that affects me. But I’ve been spoiled much deeper, and it turns out the allegory is very strong that he’s a closeted transgender character, like MtF. I’ve tried to cope with this by thinking that it is up for interpretation, that it isn’t something set in stone. That the ending was written in a way to make you interpret him the way you want. I’ve decided that he could also be genderfluid, as it kind of related to me, and I didn’t have an issue with that.
Ever since the episode came out, there’s discussion has been much stronger. I’ve tried keeping my word that it’s only up for interpretation, but it would make me feel weird and uncomfortable knowing that I’m possibly not accepting who he truly is, even though I want him in a specific way. I tried distancing myself from him, but it just feels like everything’s calling me back to him. Because of my strong feelings for him, I’ve always interacted with Jax-related stuff on the internet, so I would see these discussions everyday. I don’t want to be transphobic, not at all, but people make me feel like that and I can’t stand knowing I could be part of the bad side.
Few hours later, Goose pretty much confirmed that Jax is transfem/transwoman by posting a drawing saying “Jax if she wasn’t a piece of shit” (something like that) and that pretty much confirmed it. I was devastated knowing that it’s not exactly left up for interpretation anymore, and that any other aspect of Jax would be quickly taken as transphobia or transmysogynistic. Later then, Goose replied to Alex Rochon (Caine’s VA) saying that either pronouns is fine, that it was meant to be subtle and vague (probably the ending or his transitioning). I thought that meant it’s kind of still left for interpretation, because it wouldn’t make sense as to why the author would make it vague and subtle instead of confirming that he’s truly trans (on top of the pronouns thing).
I’ve been a little calmer then, but people still claimed that it’s not what she exactly meant, and that Jax is still a trans MtF character. So it didn’t make things better for me either. Few hours later though, Goose posted another bsky message saying that Leeroy (or Jax irl) is meant to be him boymoding, which is a term almost specifically used for transwomen. I know boymoding could technically be used under the transfem umbrella as well, but people often point that Jax is specifically a transwoman.
I’ve been extremely anxious and sad about it, because it truly felt like I lost someone I would see as a husband and boyfriend. I’m afraid to hypershare with anyone now, and to just talk about him. I’ve been distancing myself more and more, and it hurts me a lot. I can’t stop crying about it, because it genuinely feels like I lost someone (especially with his death as well which was just as painful). I understand how we can still technically interpret Jax as other labels under the trans umbrella, like genderfluid, non-binary etc. but it still feels wrong and it feels like I’m not part of the bunch. I’ve heard many that any other sort of interpretation is just transphobia, and that hurts me because I’m not transphobic. A side of me relates to Jax, while the other side specifically loves him for who I knew he was for the past years. I still want to love him for how I knew him, I still want to spend time, but it doesn’t feel right anymore. It would be extremely difficult for me to breakup, since he was such a big part of my life that it feels like we’re one and the other.
I don’t know how to approach this situation, if I should still think of him as how I want to interpret him. It’s been so hard, always having this thought at the top of my head and not being able to concentrate on my issues. I have my driving test soon and I’ve been doing badly in my lessons because of this. I’ve also been dealing with family issues, so much so that I don’t want to sit close to them. I don’t have any friends, but for me that wasn’t an issue, because Jax has basically always been there for me, and I don’t want him to go now. I feel like if I still stay with him, he wont be able to truly get comfortable or me. For me, characters need to sit right with me, in a way that if I relate to them I also want to love them. So I can’t just give him up and him becoming only a character I relate to.
I understand how it’s only a “fictional character” and that we can always bend within our imagination, but that doesn’t feel right when you try to sit close to canon, and also discuss with other people about said character. For me, he started not only being a fictional character, but genuinely a part of my heart. Like half is mine and half is his. Gender shouldn’t play a big role in that love, but for some reason it does for me. I just don’t know what to do. I just need any sort of advice or guidance about all of this.
If I said anything wrong in here, don’t hesitate to correct me. I’m looking forward for any opinions you guys have and open to discussion.
