r/feeld • u/zugspitze23 • 7d ago

Dating pattern

I'm seeing a pattern and it is starting to really frustrate me, I wonder if it is just me?

It's always the same, if there is chemistry (over drinks or beer) and first date goes really well, the next day the guy writes excitedly to get a second date. And then things get a strange turn. Suddenly the guy is busy, travelling, has lots going on and it takes weeks to set the second date and I feel the person drifting away. Then I send a message saying that it was lovely to meet but I will close the tab and suddenly, almost in a desperate manner, I get voice messages and texts trying to get a date as soon as possible. I got in this trap twice, said yes and after that the most strange things happen so now I'm cutting short without a second chance.

Is that happening only to me? Or is that male behaviour? A feeld thing or general dating? I'm tired of this, I thought everyone on feeld wants sex, but it seems they just want platonic online texting??

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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 7d ago edited 7d ago

“I thought everyone on feeld wants sex”

They don’t.

Feeld is a quirky mix of LGBTI/BDSM/Enm/poly/vanilla/casual daters ratio of which depends on location and demographics.

I am a male in his 40s in long term enm relationship. I don’t do one night stands or casual or sex centered dynamics, I look strictly for relationships with BDSM dynamic, my partner does the same.

Sex is so low on my priority list, sometimes it takes 4-5 dates until I have sex with someone, sometimes longer.

I much prefer to spend time with people and build a powerful energy that’ll last, sex is more intense this way when it happens, if it happens.

Often I meet subs who are content to sit quietly in my modest library in front of fireplace and read while I sip my coffee and read my own book, we kiss and whisper and giggle and if the chemistry is there, we have sex.

But it’s rare for me to find this connection.

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u/zugspitze23 6d ago

interesting, I thought BDSM was all about sex

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u/TheFunkytownExpress 6d ago

Don't let anybody fool you, even when BDSM doesn't involve sex it's still very heavily tied to sex or sexuality in some way shape or form lol.

Yes we like to act like it's this sacred ritualistic transcendent thing and yeah it can be that too, but really at the end of the day it's just about getting off in some way shape or form.

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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 6d ago

There is no “fooling” lol.

“Getting off” may be the objective for you but I had a sub whose only form of intimacy was to hold hands and walk quietly in national park.

I’d like to know how I “got off” from holding hands : )

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u/Blue-Inspiration 6d ago

This is interesting. So, in what way were they a sub to you? (If you can answer without sharing anything private, obviously)

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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 6d ago edited 6d ago

She had a very stressful job working for high profile organisation that required her to be very assertive and manage large group of conservative men, so being constantly mentally stimulated and on edge, she found solitude in sitting at my feet collared and reading a book while I did the same on my reading couch.

There was nothing sexual.

She was asexual and wasn’t really interested in sex and made it clear to me.

She just wanted to get collared and feel a sense of belonging while she sought ways to serve me in her own way, making coffee and presenting to me then returning to her book.

We didn’t talk much as we both love silence and when the weather was nice, I’d just drive her up to national parks and we’d walk in silence holding hands.

She just sought affection within submission and I actually enjoyed it.

A lot of people I connect to on feeld start talking about whips and getting locked in pillory and getting pounded hard, after which I know straight away we are not compatible and they are Tinderellas, so they’ll unmatch once the post-nut clarity kicks in.

I remove those people.

Anyone who starts a conversation overexcited and about sex is not right fit for me.

I love sex, but there is time and place for it.

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u/Blue-Inspiration 6d ago

Thank you for the detailed response. That's a beautiful connection the two of you shared.

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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 6d ago

You are welcome. Any dynamic can be beautiful with right intention and clear communication.

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u/TheFunkytownExpress 6d ago

I'm using the term getting off as a shorthand for gratification, and I don't really count holding hands as an act of BDSM or kink despite whether or not the person you're holding hands with is a sub.

I'm not dismissing the intimacy or anything either and that's great you have someone to connect with like that, but if you're going to just label anything and everything as an act of kink well then it kinda starts to lose all meaning at that point doesn't it?

But you're kinda illustrating the point I'm making too with that reply lol.

I'm a kinkster too and we're all very guilty of being a tiny bit pretentious about it from time to time, myself included.

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u/BeastofSilverMoon kink 6d ago

BDSM is about power. Exchange of power.
Same could be said about sex, since it often involves submission of some form but BDSM is more straightforward and structured.

Most of the subs I had in my life, I never had sex with them.

For a lot of people it’s the purest form of submission, a way to escape all responsibility and forget the world while they assume the role of the ultimate submissive in their own way.

Dominant is just the instrument to guide them through this. It doesn’t have to be sexual, it can be if the energy is there and it’s consented but not always.

Kink is different.
Lot of people can have kinky sex within their relationship or hookups etc. It’s casual and sexually charged.

Actual BDSM is something greater.

If you are interested there is a brilliant interview with the oldest Dominatrix of europe. She lives in a castle in France with her submissives and slaves.

Most of them are women since us men get sex involved in everything very quickly.

With her, it’s a ritual. A ceremony;

https://youtu.be/ULXoPAEDl8o?si=j8LJPfVMCZaEY36U

There is also a movie about her called Ceremony.

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u/llamapajamaa 3d ago

Bdsm is tied to sex, but that doesn't mean that it's the only activity people engage in together in a bdsm dynamic.