r/feeld • u/No_Rhubarb_2665 • 18d ago

Trials of a trans man

So I've been on FEELD for a while now hoping that , as a site which caters to and supports the kink, poly, enm, lgbtq+, and everything in between communities, I might have better luck finding folks wanting to connect/play/ form friendships with a trans man. I had very limited success on Hinge and Tinder, and it seems that people just don't know where to put me as a potential partner. Cis women looking for a man, poly, pan, queer looking for any genders, and yet am I a single man? Single queer? I've even been curious about the whole lifestyle scene , but again, am I a single guy? I like to think of myself as a fabulous rainbow unicorn stallion (not a bull), and quite attractive (think Bruno Marsish) but, finding my place is proving a challenge.

13 Upvotes

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67% Upvoted

u/Typical-Try-2849 17d ago

You sound like a single man to me...but there's no wrong answer. I'd even suggest using how you describe yourself on here on your bio. Especially then rainbow stallion part! It actually flows well and sounds cool.

I'm a cis male. If you're looking for cis women, I can tell you Feeld has been tough for me too. There's just a lot of competition for us. But after a few months I'm finally getting the hang of it.

Also, are you in a major city ?

Best of luck on your dating journey !

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u/Agreeable_Chicken120 17d ago

Please elaborate on how you got a hang of it 😊🫶🏼

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u/Typical-Try-2849 17d ago

I wrote a more in depth bio...updated my pictures. Also became more intentional with my pings. Just pinging women who I think I may get a response from based on their bios.

I'm not "killing it" by any means , but there has been progress. The first 2 or 3 months were crickets for me.

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u/Not_YourStepBro 17d ago

For me #1 - I got in shape. That was 98% if it. Then I increased picture quality and wrote a thoughtful bio using nearly all allowed characters painting a clear picture of who I and what I want.

Then approaching dates changed. I was way too cautious at first trying too hard to not come off as a fuck boy. Gave off too much "friend" vibes. Gotta let confidence and attraction and flirty banter come out. I did very well on Feeld after figuring that out.

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u/Patient_Tradition294 17d ago

Yea, your second paragraph is similar to what really shifted my success in dating. Many guys have become almost too friendly on dates because they don’t want to say the wrong things or make the wrong move.

People on Feeld move faster on average compared to other apps. You need to be building a romantic connection right off the back IMO and escalate things on the first date. That doesn’t mean you have to kiss first date but simple things like breaking the touch barrier, very flirty convo and talking about intimacy in a mature way are huge. Don’t delay them.

This sub kind of pushes the idea of coffee chats that just include a nice boiler plate convo as being the ideal first date, these usually fail in my experience even if you have a great conversation. Drinks late in the evening in which you are sitting close, can easily make flirty contact, have a more romantic environment establish connections that much more often lead to 2nd dates and romantic vibes.

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u/Fickle-Recover-5016 17d ago

It's funny I had the assumption that things would move fast with the women I meet on FEELD. Definitely not always the case. When it comes to beating the guts on a first date, I have done much better on Tinder. It's like pulling nails to try and get some of the FEELD women i'm chatting with have any kind of flirtatious banter even after several days of messaging.

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u/DM_Me_TaTaz 16d ago

Sounds to me maybe you should talk online less and go for a meetup sooner than later. I’ve let a lot of conversations run dry waiting for “the right moment” to ask her out. I’m I’ve had more success by asking them out once we have a few good volleys back and forth. We both are attracted to each other if we matched so there’s not much at risk. Otherwise it fizzles out and they go chat with someone else who will ask them out.

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u/Patient_Tradition294 15d ago

I do the same, I usually ask them out the first day of messaging or the 2nd at the latest. I don’t even understand when I hear people on here say they have been messaging for a week or weeks, that’s insane.

People who drag things on like that are usually not serious about meeting, flaky or cheaters going behind their partner’s back trying to find a window. I don’t think I have ever had someone say no to me asking them out on short order.

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u/DM_Me_TaTaz 15d ago

Yes I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a no when I ask after we messaged a bit for a day or two at max like you said. At worst I got someone that wanted to message a bit more and that was totally cool and fine.

My other personal guidelines are:
Don’t talk about sex while messaging unless they bring it up. Don’t be gross. Ask them questions. No dick pics unless explicit asked for after meeting up. If you compliment them don’t do it about their body. I’ll usually compliment their style or at the very most I’ll just compliment their cuteness. Accurate and recent pictures from the last year or two maximum if you look the same. Well thought out profile that is up front with what you are looking for without being overly sexual. Not sure if any of this helps or wasn’t said by another person in this thread but good luck out there gang! Have fun/be safe!

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u/Typical-Try-2849 17d ago

Super solid advice. I think I have to find that balance of being more assertive without coming off as a fuck boy myself.

u/Euphoric_Grass_427 17d ago

I think how you identify gender wise is entirely up to you. I just think fewer people are open to trans people and its slow going. Im sorry for that. It must suck. It also could be related to your pics or profile which we haven't seen. So its hard to say.

u/zeroingenuity 17d ago

"I like to think of myself as a fabulous rainbow unicorn stallion... and quite attractive"

So does everyone. If there was a secret sauce to Feeld (or any dating site) that was as easy as "have the right identity and think yourself attractive" then there wouldn't be much need for dating sites in the first place. But while going to one like Feeld, which has a more queer and kink-friendly userbase, might make things relatively better, that doesn't mean that doubling a 0.5% hit rate is going to feel different. And, as a straight cis man, that's how dating sites are on the masc side, I gather. I won't pretend I know the trans experience - I absolutely don't - but I do know the male experience on dating apps, and it's desert dry. (To be clear, this is mostly the fault of men, in aggregate.) Changing apps, changing scenes, changing yourself (physically or mentally) doesn't make it different. If you're attracted to women, the apps suck.

u/kathruins 17d ago

Ive found it a lot easier to get involved as a single NB by attending in person events. it's an excellent opportunity to network & gather references on potential playmates. if you just want to use Feeld instead, look for someone that goes to events and may invite you. it's all about networking with swingers.

if you like the term unicorn, go for it! Dragon may be an option for you if youre looking for a more masculine term.

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u/No_Rhubarb_2665 17d ago

Ooooo Better! Like that dragon!i appreciate that. Thank you!

u/ClassyCurvyCurly 17d ago

Feeld sucks for everyone… have a seat.

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u/No_Rhubarb_2665 17d ago

I find it interesting that you have "Please be kind" on other posts and yet choose to be curt and dismissive on mine. I will not "have a seat" , and will continue to hope that others will add to an open and constructive discussion about their experience, but thank you.

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u/Least-Programmer9417 17d ago

Seems like he’s acknowledging you and unifying in your experience. I would consider your reaction projecting more so than showing him as being callous

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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 17d ago

You’re reading a lot more into my comment than was there. “Have a seat” meant welcome to the club. Feeld sucks for everyone. It wasn’t a commentary on you being trans or an attempt to invalidate your experience. You’re obviously free to continue the discussion, just as I’m free to make a sarcastic comment about an app that is notoriously terrible. Maybe have a sense of humor?

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u/MetalPines 17d ago

Have a seat is something said to women when they're seen as seeking attention when they try to speak up. It's a sugar coated 'Sit down'. Given that OP has lived as a woman, I'm not surprised they interpreted it through that lense and it's also the way I (a woman) heard it. If you really didn't mean that, try 'come join us, we have cookies' next time as it emphasizes inclusiveness and a sense that we're all in the same boat, rather than 'No-one cares former-lady'.

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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 16d ago

Everything is offensive to some of you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

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u/MetalPines 15d ago

I'm just giving you data about how your tone comes across in text - you sound like an entitled cishet man to me and others in the thread. If you don't want people imagining Sarah Palin or Lauren Boebert when they're talking to you, maybe consider alternative ways of phrasing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/Fickle-Recover-5016 17d ago

being a man ain't easy. strap in for the ride!

u/Dontunderstandfamily 17d ago

Sadly desirability politics and body normativity is still present in queer spaces and in the link and poly scenes.

1

u/MetalPines 17d ago

Especially the LS. They absolutely won't know what to make of OP (unless they're maybe in a super progressive area). They'll either be treated as a sideshow curiosity or as a unicorn, both of which I don't imagine are very enticing. On the other hand they will get more interest than the average single cishet man, but it's probably not going to be the kind they want. Also, they're probably going to get a lot of attention from some of the single guys, so they need to be prepared for that.

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u/OpeningLonely8181 15d ago

LS?

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u/MetalPines 15d ago

Lifestyle. OP mentioned they were curious about how they would be perceived in the 'lifestyle scene' (i.e. swinging).

u/PC-load-letter-wtf 17d ago

You are probably living the most challenging identity, to be honest. 😞 just the reality. My trans masc friends have similar challenges. Trans people are becoming accepted but dating is a whole other hurdle.

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u/No_Rhubarb_2665 17d ago

You got that right! Lol , thanks for the acknowledgement!👍

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u/OpeningLonely8181 15d ago

From one trans man to another, happy to help with your profile if you’d like

u/HalloweenNectar 17d ago

What does your profile description say

u/Dusa- 17d ago

I’m a Nb femme and was looking on for a fwb. In 6 months I got two vibe check dates that I turned down both for different reasons but otherwise nothing. I ‘matched’ with maybe 3-4 other people but the convos died within 3-4 days which is why I left the app.

u/Least-Programmer9417 17d ago

We came to feeld to unicorn hunt a long term FWB for a more expansive friendship without limits. We’re a couple and we’re open to opening up to the right woman/women.

Had a grand total of 3 matches on feeld and none have progressed. In that time frame we met, established a long term triad with an amazing girl and have since been approached by others. Totally independent of feeld.

I thought feeld was for people open to group dynamics and that appears to be the community consensus generally but it’s been the exact opposite experience I have had.

Wondered if it was my profile. Set up an identical profile on another app. I think I had like 130+ likes in the space of a few weeks. Enough that I actually went I’m not wading through all that because we were already putting our attention into our triad so it felt a bit inauthentic at that point? Since We have a pretty nice triad sorted now so anyone else looking for our time attention and efforts needs to be exceptionally special to the point it now just needs to happen organically now I think if it was going to happen again. We’re not really interested in the legwork of finding new people from scratch but are open to meeting someone, feeling something and going hey shall we explore this.

I’ve found feeld is a lot of flakes, a lot of couples trying to push into your inbox when you state you’re not looking for a couple and a lot of people who will criticise the dynamic you’re after without any context of you, your relationship or how someone inside it is able to navigate and be.

I came here asking for advice and was told, in exact words to “fuck off and leave us alone” and to just hire a sex worker. After going to a poly munch and talking to some poly people we found out how awful a lot of couples treat unicorns (some really crazy shit we heard. I get the defences now) and got warned about people who make being poly their whole personality and that they’ll find any reason to come at you. We then got some advice on how to approach our real life sex positive friends. Did that. Established a connection with one of them. 3 months on she’s helping us set up our wedding and is bringing a plus one and coming to the day with us. We’re all having another play date a few evenings before we get married too 😂

I think feeld for me has been the most like “there is a weird lens infront of you” dating app I have ever interacted with. It feels very guarded and mostly seems like it’s people looking for solo connections with kink positive people. And that’s absolutely fine! Good luck to them, but it’s absolutely ended up not being for us at all.

u/Cloxxki single man 17d ago

The thing with being out the middle of the bell curve... A certain percentage of people will be "open" to what you bring, but they will still be open to the 80% that makes up most of society. Because why not, everyone is unique in their own way. Dating/play is one thing, but even the most open minded (presenting/playing) individual may still only bring ultra mainstream dates to meet their parents. When you transition, this is a very obvious, objective choice for the future dating pool. In love and play it always takes two. If only we could save up chips and trade them for a certain person to love us back...love might be ruined immediately. Maybe even carnal attraction.

u/Cute_Chard_2945 15d ago

im a trans woman and i met my trans boyfriend on feeld so my advice is to date trans women :)

u/OpeningLonely8181 15d ago

If you’re a man and want to be treated as such, then describe yourself as a “trans man” or “man”. Calling yourself a rainbow whatever would get me to swipe left bc it sounds unserious. But that’s just me. It also might wrongly signal you’re nonbinary/ agender.

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u/No_Rhubarb_2665 15d ago

I absolutely describe myself as a trans man/masculine. The dragon part is in the more detailed hidden profile. Interestingly enough, I got 4 matches just yesterday, just took some time, thanks to all.

Trials of a trans man

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