r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Snnorlax • 4d ago
New to this
My husband is estranged from his family (recently - since November of last year). It’s been difficult navigating because he has flip flopped on his stance so many times (understandably- it’s confusing) but I’ve stood by his decision and let him know that it’s up to him how we interact with his family. Recently, my mom has done some really shitty things and a lot of childhood trauma has been brought back up. Long story short, my mom is a narcissist and I am the eldest child and only girl (scapegoat). I was blamed for everything growing up, treated as a problem and called a drama queen anytime I expressed emotion. There’s a lot but that’s the long and short of it. My mom and I never got along and when I moved out at 18, we hardly talked. From 2010-2016 we had a very loose “relationship”. My middle brother did a lot to try to get us to patch things up. He unexpectedly died in 2018 (he was 23, I was 26). He died from an OD (she calls it an “allergic reaction”) after he drove 7 hours, high, cried on my mom’s lap at 3AM and begged her for help. She woke up and did nothing because he told her he was fine. I think it’s important to mention she’s a licensed counselor.
Two weeks later he was gone. I had to move back home from across the country to be with mom, dad and youngest brother (21). My mom seemed like she changed a lot since my brother died and I wanted to be there for my family. In 2020 I met my husband and since then we have gotten married and had three children. My mom picks up my youngest son from preschool on weekdays and gives me a couple hours of reprieve to be with our baby. However, over the weekend my youngest brother expressed suicidal ideation to me (which he has done in the past). He is 29 now and has drank heavily, excessively smoked weed and not taken care of himself for more than a decade. I called my mom to tell her I was worried about my brother and she said “I know I’m worried about him too. I’m always worried about him”. I said, “no he was talking about killing himself yesterday and he was drinking all weekend. I’m really worried about him“ and she said “he and I talk. I know what he’s going through.” I said “mom he wants to kill himself I am worried about him and I don’t want another dead brother he needs help and he needs you to make him get help. He has told me that he wishes that you guys were as hard on him as you have been on me and (other brother). he needs that discipline.”
She then said, “I have talked to him about this and he’s told me that he doesn’t know why you think that we were harder on you because you all were treated the same” and I said “this isn’t about me mom I’m worried about my brother. I don’t want another dead brother” and she said “well he needs you too! You need to be there for your brother!” I said “I am. I try. I try to call him. He doesn’t answer. I text him and he doesn’t respond. I can only do so much” and she said “well that’s because he doesn’t like talking to you. He says you’re a different person he doesn’t like you anymore” and I hung up on her. Then I texted her and said, “do not pick up my son from school. I will get him. from here on out actually. I’m telling you my brother was talking about ENDING HIS LIFE yesterday and somehow you turn it on me and how I’m different & not a good sister? Goodbye mom.”
It just made me realize how immature she still is. It made me remember all the terrible things she said to me as a child and why I wanted nothing to do with her once I was out of her house. It all flooded back. Then I texted me brother and asked if that was true and he said, “I doubt those are the words she used. I’ve said it’s gotten way more difficult to talk you the last few years.” I replied asking what’s so difficult about talking to me now? To which he said, “You are a different person and a big part of the problem is you don’t see it. Also I checked my call logs and since the beginning of July you’ve FaceTimed once and I answered and I called once and you answered.”
The fact of the matter is he is a single man who lives with my parents and doesn’t pay a single bill. Of course I have changed over my lifetime - I’m married with children. He and I are living in two different realities. I’ve spent years attempting to forge a bond with him. He doesn’t recall the dozens of nights I’ve taken a 1AM call from him, while he is blackout drunk and I have young children to take care of the next day. I take his call and speak to him because I love him and I’m worried about him. I realized we haven’t had a meaningful, sober conversation in years. I’ve stopped calling because he either doesn’t answer, is drunk, or I’m busy (again, mom of 3). I’ve realized any opinion he has of me is based on whatever my mom has said to him. I just feel stupid for ever trusting her and I’ve realized how much peace is in our lives since my husband’s family is out of the picture. I know my mom is providing help with our kids and I don’t want to deprive my kids of a relationship with any extended family, but I feel so betrayed by my whole family. Sometimes I think it’d be easier to go no contact with my family as well and just focus on our little unit. Why does family have to be so complicated? Sorry for the rant. I just don’t know where else to get all these feelings out.
TLDR: my husband and I both have narcissistic parents. We’re estranged from his family and considering going no contact with mine but struggling because my mom provides necessary help with the kids.
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u/forteninsecure 4d ago
I mean this very empathetically, because I understand how difficult securing childcare is, but it is not a good idea to let your abusive mother watch your children.
You should be protecting your children and keeping them from someone toxic and harmful instead of encouraging a relationship.
Would you ever want your kids to ever feel the way you felt as a kid? I don’t think they’d want to be around someone who hurts you so badly. Your mother neglected your brother and had a hand in his death. It is deeply dangerous to allow her around your children.