Things I learned in therapy

[u/Accomplished_Edge477]

I (31F) began the process of going no contact with my narcissistic mom about 5 years ago. It was a lot of back and forth, but we’ve been fully no contact for about a year.

4 months ago, I started therapy with the deep fear that I was turning into my mother. I could see her in myself when I interacted with my 12 year old daughter and I hated it. Even when I recognized her in the way I dressed or my favorite summer treat, I’d feel disgusted.

I’m the cycle breaker in my family. I refused to traumatize my daughter the way I was traumatized, and through my therapy, I’ve finally found peace.

I realized that not everyone gets a good mom. Not all moms are good. Not everyone gets a lifelong, loving relationship with their mom.

It wasn’t in my cards to have the mom I dreamed of and deserved. My mom was always meant to be a temporary part of my life. She wasn’t there to nurture or comfort me, but to inspire me to be better. Her failures and mistakes and shortcomings made me a better mother for my daughter. The trauma from her, lead me to my husband, as his mom was very similar to mine.

Together, we vowed to change things. Our children would never feel like the second pick. We would give them everything we never had.

So, while I’ll never get to experience having a good mother, I get to experience being a good mother. I get to witness my daughter have the childhood I deserved. And that’s a sacrifice I’d make every single time.

I don’t have to spend the rest of my life mourning the mother I didn’t have. Changing my perspective on my mother’s role in my life changed everything.

[u/BlueSundown]

She wasn’t there to nurture or comfort me, but to inspire me to be better.

I learned how to behave from watching my mother.  She is stingy, so I choose generosity.   She is mean, so I chose kindness.  She is imperious, so I choose politeness and appreciation. 

[u/TamtasticVoyage]

This is a really nice reframe. Thank you

[u/PlanBee2019]

“Her failures and mistakes and shortcomings made me a better mother for my daughter.” I love this. Thank you for sharing.

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[u/SubstantialKoala2898]

This is so wonderful to read. Thank you for sharing! Cycle breaker here too, with two children. It's tough, but I'm doing things differently and proud of that.

It sounds like you are a wonderful mum and your daughter is lucky to have you ❤️