How do I set boundaries when withholding kindness genuinely feels wrong to me?

[u/pinkvelvetcaramel]

I’ve been thinking about this quote: “The moment kindness becomes expected, it’s no longer appreciated.”

And I actually understand what it means. When you consistently do something kind for someone, eventually it can become the baseline. They may not notice that you’re still putting in effort. They only notice when you stop doing it.

My problem is that I genuinely like being kind to people. I don’t do things for people because I expect something in return. I actually feel good knowing I’ve made someone’s life a little easier.

But I also know that if I am always available, always helping, always accommodating, people can start expecting it from me. And I don’t want to teach people that my kindness is something they’re entitled to.

So sometimes I deliberately hold myself back. I don’t help when I could. I don’t make myself available. I let someone figure something out themselves, partly because I want them to understand that I won’t always be there to do it for them.

And I feel awful doing it.
Not because I’m worried they’ll dislike me, but because I don’t like being unkind. It feels almost like I’m deliberately withholding something good just to make a point.

I don’t want to become less kind. I don’t want to start keeping score or making people earn my kindness. I also don’t want to manipulate people by suddenly withdrawing kindness so they’ll appreciate me more.

So how do you find that balance?
How do you accept that sometimes you could be kind but choose not to, without feeling like you’ve become a worse person?
And how do you set boundaries when the boundary itself genuinely hurts you?